X - Tuesday Evening Jokes.

Body Found!!!

Today, the police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby.
They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and
a Small Dick.
I was just checking to make sure that you are okay.

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing
about which place had the toughest trees.
The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a
hole in the tree with no problem.
The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck
a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'I'm-peckable' (a term
woodpeckers like to use).
The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and
accepted the challenge.
The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully
pecked the so-called 'I'm-peckable' tree almost without breaking a
sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.
How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican
tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree,
yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

Judge: You are charged with throwing your mother-in-law out of your
fourth-storey window.
Defendant: I did it without thinking, your Honour.
Judge: That's no excuse! Don't you see how dangerous it might have
been for anyone passing at the time?

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come
to the corral, he explained,
"That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."
A little later on, they saw horses.
The Grandpa said,
"That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said,
Grandma turned to Grandpa and said,
"Will you please serve the turkey?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled,
"If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"

A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender,
"Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"
The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender says,
"Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The cowboy replies,
"Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender says
"Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?"
"I have................. Only fifty cents!"

"Doc, I can't sleep anymore," the man complained. "I've tried
everything, but I just toss and turn."
"You have to learn to relax," the doctor said. "Try putting each part
of your body to sleep separately."
That night the guy crawled into bed, got comfortable and started to
talk to his body.
"Toes, go to sleep," he whispered.
"Feet, go to sleep.
Legs, go to sleep.
Hips, go to sleep.
Stomach, go to sleep"
Just then, his wife walked in wearing a transparent teddy.
Her husband opened one eye, then lifted his head from the pillow.
"OK," he shouted, "up, up...everybody up!"

She has one toe, and bought a pair of flip flops.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
She got stabbed in a shoot-out.