Talk show jokes

Talk show jokes are....hilarious - contemporary, original and
informative - what do you say to these?

President Bush will soon be gone from the White House, but he's not
going to fade away. He's only 62 years old and he says there are still
plenty of challenges to fail to meet, there are still goals to fall
short of, and people to disappoint." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Barack Obama says one of the first things he'll do as president is
sign an executive order closing down Guantanamo Bay, to which
President Bush said, 'Hey, well that's nothing. I've closed down half
the industries and banks" --Jay Leno

"Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are
released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home
countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program."
--Jay Leno

"President Bush, appearing on Fox News Sunday morning, confirmed that
he is planning on writing a book. Bush admitted he'll use a ghost
writer. Well, sure, if it's about his Presidency, it's going to be a
horror story. He'll need a ghost writer." --Jay Leno

"Cold, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen? It was so cold today people
were throwing shoes at Al Gore." --David Letterman

"I tell ya, the economy is bad. The economy is so bad, Iraqis can only
afford to throw one shoe." --Jay Leno

It turns out this guy was described as a hot head. He's a guy who is
an Iraqi journalist. They say he's a hot head with poor journalistic
skills. Well, no surprise, today he was offered his own show on Fox
News." --David Letterman

"I tell you, the economy's rough. People are standing behind President
Bush just to get the free shoes." --Jay Leno

You got to admit, whatever you think of the guy, he's got good
reflexes. Even Bill Clinton was impressed. You know, Clinton's an
expert at ducking shoes, ashtrays, lamps. Everything." --Jay Leno

"President Bush announced before he leaves office, he wants to visit
the poorest regions of the world. You know, any place where people
can't afford to buy shoes." --Jay Leno

"President Bush made a surprise visit to Detroit today. Honestly,
people in Detroit are upset with him, but I understand auto workers
threw brake shoes at him." --Jay Leno

"Bush is getting nostalgic. He says he's not sure how he will feel on
January 21st, but I think I kind of know how the rest of us will
feel." --David Letterman

President Bush has been giving Barack Obama a lot of advice. He told
Barack Obama that his biggest challenge will be an enemy attack.
Specifically, Bush told Obama to keep your eye on Hillary." --Conan
O'Brien

President Bush has declared an advanced state of emergency in DC from
Saturday until Wednesday to allow for extra security for the
inauguration. Apparently, the President obtained information from a
very reliable source that on Tuesday an unidentified black man is
plotting to break into and actually live in the White House for at
least four years." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The President was on 'Larry King' last night for one last
hard-hitting interview before he packs up and tries to find his way
back home to Texas. King asked the President if he personally lost
money in the stock market. Bush said he has no idea because all his
money is in a blind trust managed by a Nigerian prince who's about to
collect a huge inheritance." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush has asked all the major networks for 15 minutes of air
time on Thursday to give his farewell speech to the nation. Well, the
White House says he's going to use part of the time to list his
accomplishments. No word yet what he's going to do with the other 14
minutes." --Jay Leno

"Did you know Barack Obama's mother-in-law is going to be moving into
the White House with them? I think this qualifies as change Barack
Obama does not believe in." --Jay Leno

George W Bush admitted in his farewell speech that a couple of things
didn't go according to plan. Yeah, his first term and his second
term. Those two things." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama promised his kids he would get them a dog when they
moved to the White House. But President Bush is nervous. When he heard
dog in the White House, he thought, 'Uh oh! What if he digs up all
those Al Gore ballots in the back?'" --David Letterman

There was a huge inauguration lunch with all the past presidents.
There was a fight over who would pay the bill, but eventually they
agreed they would just leave it up to future generations." --Seth
Meyers

I understand the lunch went well. Only three shoes thrown." --David Letterman

"George Bush picked up the check. Bill Clinton picked up the
waitress." --David Letterman

At the luncheon, president-elect Obama was kind of awkward, because
he didn't have any experiences or accomplishments to talk about as
president. So, at least he and President Bush had something in
common." --Jay Leno

"And how about this for nerve? This is unbelievable. The porn industry
is now asking for a $5 billion federal bailout. The porn industry.
Talk about a stimulus package." --Jay Leno

And you know, I think Bush is struggling to come up with some
accomplishments. They're trying to make him look good, you know. Like
today, he took credit for ending the drought in New Orleans." --Jay
Leno

"The Washington Post reports today that Barack Obama wants to select
Sanjay Gupta to be surgeon general. Yeah, Obama said the CNN doctor
must be pretty good, because he's kept Larry King alive all these
years." --Conan O'Brien

"But here's good news for Obama. The new tank-like presidential
limousine is also shoe proof, so that's good news." --David Letterman

George Bush Sr. recently said he'd like his son Jeb to be president,
but that right now is a bad time for him to run. When asked what a
good time would be, Bush Sr. said, 'Eight years ago.'" --Conan O'Brien

And Congress says this week they are looking into this Bernard Madoff
scandal. So The guy that made $50 billion disappear is being
investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear." --Jay
Leno

Many newspapers carried pictures of a shirtless Obama playing in the
ocean. Did you see that? Yeah. So as you're thinking of things to be
thankful for this holiday, remember, that could have been a shirtless
John McCain." --Conan O'Brien

"The White House staff has been briefing Barack Obama's team on a
series of worst-case scenarios that could face the country after
President Bush leaves office. That's the latest. Yeah. Apparently, the
absolute worst case scenario is that Bush doesn't leave office."
--Conan O'Brien

Ford Motors is working on a brand new car called the Fusion. It's a
hybrid and runs on a combination of gas and bailout money."