x - Bobby with two arseholes

 

Bobby died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body,
so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bobby'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bobby'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Bobby had two assholes.      'He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say,

'There's Bobby with them two assholes..'

 

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Talk show jokes

Talk show jokes are....hilarious - contemporary, original and
informative - what do you say to these?

President Bush will soon be gone from the White House, but he's not
going to fade away. He's only 62 years old and he says there are still
plenty of challenges to fail to meet, there are still goals to fall
short of, and people to disappoint." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Barack Obama says one of the first things he'll do as president is
sign an executive order closing down Guantanamo Bay, to which
President Bush said, 'Hey, well that's nothing. I've closed down half
the industries and banks" --Jay Leno

"Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are
released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home
countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program."
--Jay Leno

"President Bush, appearing on Fox News Sunday morning, confirmed that
he is planning on writing a book. Bush admitted he'll use a ghost
writer. Well, sure, if it's about his Presidency, it's going to be a
horror story. He'll need a ghost writer." --Jay Leno

"Cold, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen? It was so cold today people
were throwing shoes at Al Gore." --David Letterman

"I tell ya, the economy is bad. The economy is so bad, Iraqis can only
afford to throw one shoe." --Jay Leno

It turns out this guy was described as a hot head. He's a guy who is
an Iraqi journalist. They say he's a hot head with poor journalistic
skills. Well, no surprise, today he was offered his own show on Fox
News." --David Letterman

"I tell you, the economy's rough. People are standing behind President
Bush just to get the free shoes." --Jay Leno

You got to admit, whatever you think of the guy, he's got good
reflexes. Even Bill Clinton was impressed. You know, Clinton's an
expert at ducking shoes, ashtrays, lamps. Everything." --Jay Leno

"President Bush announced before he leaves office, he wants to visit
the poorest regions of the world. You know, any place where people
can't afford to buy shoes." --Jay Leno

"President Bush made a surprise visit to Detroit today. Honestly,
people in Detroit are upset with him, but I understand auto workers
threw brake shoes at him." --Jay Leno

"Bush is getting nostalgic. He says he's not sure how he will feel on
January 21st, but I think I kind of know how the rest of us will
feel." --David Letterman

President Bush has been giving Barack Obama a lot of advice. He told
Barack Obama that his biggest challenge will be an enemy attack.
Specifically, Bush told Obama to keep your eye on Hillary." --Conan
O'Brien

President Bush has declared an advanced state of emergency in DC from
Saturday until Wednesday to allow for extra security for the
inauguration. Apparently, the President obtained information from a
very reliable source that on Tuesday an unidentified black man is
plotting to break into and actually live in the White House for at
least four years." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The President was on 'Larry King' last night for one last
hard-hitting interview before he packs up and tries to find his way
back home to Texas. King asked the President if he personally lost
money in the stock market. Bush said he has no idea because all his
money is in a blind trust managed by a Nigerian prince who's about to
collect a huge inheritance." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush has asked all the major networks for 15 minutes of air
time on Thursday to give his farewell speech to the nation. Well, the
White House says he's going to use part of the time to list his
accomplishments. No word yet what he's going to do with the other 14
minutes." --Jay Leno

"Did you know Barack Obama's mother-in-law is going to be moving into
the White House with them? I think this qualifies as change Barack
Obama does not believe in." --Jay Leno

George W Bush admitted in his farewell speech that a couple of things
didn't go according to plan. Yeah, his first term and his second
term. Those two things." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama promised his kids he would get them a dog when they
moved to the White House. But President Bush is nervous. When he heard
dog in the White House, he thought, 'Uh oh! What if he digs up all
those Al Gore ballots in the back?'" --David Letterman

There was a huge inauguration lunch with all the past presidents.
There was a fight over who would pay the bill, but eventually they
agreed they would just leave it up to future generations." --Seth
Meyers

I understand the lunch went well. Only three shoes thrown." --David Letterman

"George Bush picked up the check. Bill Clinton picked up the
waitress." --David Letterman

At the luncheon, president-elect Obama was kind of awkward, because
he didn't have any experiences or accomplishments to talk about as
president. So, at least he and President Bush had something in
common." --Jay Leno

"And how about this for nerve? This is unbelievable. The porn industry
is now asking for a $5 billion federal bailout. The porn industry.
Talk about a stimulus package." --Jay Leno

And you know, I think Bush is struggling to come up with some
accomplishments. They're trying to make him look good, you know. Like
today, he took credit for ending the drought in New Orleans." --Jay
Leno

"The Washington Post reports today that Barack Obama wants to select
Sanjay Gupta to be surgeon general. Yeah, Obama said the CNN doctor
must be pretty good, because he's kept Larry King alive all these
years." --Conan O'Brien

"But here's good news for Obama. The new tank-like presidential
limousine is also shoe proof, so that's good news." --David Letterman

George Bush Sr. recently said he'd like his son Jeb to be president,
but that right now is a bad time for him to run. When asked what a
good time would be, Bush Sr. said, 'Eight years ago.'" --Conan O'Brien

And Congress says this week they are looking into this Bernard Madoff
scandal. So The guy that made $50 billion disappear is being
investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear." --Jay
Leno

Many newspapers carried pictures of a shirtless Obama playing in the
ocean. Did you see that? Yeah. So as you're thinking of things to be
thankful for this holiday, remember, that could have been a shirtless
John McCain." --Conan O'Brien

"The White House staff has been briefing Barack Obama's team on a
series of worst-case scenarios that could face the country after
President Bush leaves office. That's the latest. Yeah. Apparently, the
absolute worst case scenario is that Bush doesn't leave office."
--Conan O'Brien

Ford Motors is working on a brand new car called the Fusion. It's a
hybrid and runs on a combination of gas and bailout money."

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An elderly Scotsman lay

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled
the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already
in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table
were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits, freshly baked.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted
Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a
happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and withered hand
trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.............

'Bugger off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

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Chuckle for the day

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember:

You've been listening to your ipod.

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ONLY THE ENGLISH COULD HAVE INVENTED THIS LANGUAGE

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes
off by going on.

And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

AND IF PEOPLE FROM POLAND ARE CALLED POLES THEN PEOPLE FROM HOLLAND
SHOULD BE HOLES AND THE GERMANS, GERMS.

And lets not forget the Americans, who changed s to z, but that's another
story............

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THE JOB - URINE TEST

(Whoever wrote this one deserves a HUGE pat on the back!)

Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me.
I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.
In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine
test with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is
the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine
test.

Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because
I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no
problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other
hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their Ass doing
20 drugs, while I work. . . . Can you imagine how much money the state
would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public
assistance check?

Pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't. Hope you
all will pass it along, though. . Something has to change in this
country -- and soon!!!!!!!

I guess we could title that program, 'Urine or You're Out'.

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XX - the why's of men

1. WHY DO MEN USUALLY BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your
heart...Then you are just an old sour fart !
One for the ladies.......

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he
shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma ..'

And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out
of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if
I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
------------------------------------------ -----
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: Either gay or a rumor

-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And
Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll
beat him to death.
AMEN

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

--- --------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
-----------------------------------------------------------

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Twenty Dollars!

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30
years with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new
clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her
husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he
explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate
down sizing and he had
been let go.

It was unlikely that at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another job.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly$1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which
were worth over $2 million.

She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex, and these were the
results of her savings and investments.

The husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally.. he
found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were
doing, I would have had sex only with you.'

That's when she shot him.

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XX - The Straggly Old Cat

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and
hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her,
put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to
call her, so we
named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.
He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her,
she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted
the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband
'El-Cheap-O',
and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another,
with my husband
getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is
located in the
same building, next door to the vet.
The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my
husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your
wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved,
so she now smells like a rose.
Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the
father is!' Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even ! ! ! ..

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A FEW words of wisdom...

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead;
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either;
Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. Before you criticize someone,

You should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them

You're a mile away and you have their shoes.

3. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him to fish, and he'll sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

4. If at first you don't succeed,

Skydiving is not for you.

5. Some days you are the bug;

Some days you are the windshield.

6. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tyre.

7. It's always darkest before dawn.

So, if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper,

that's the time to do it.

8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive,

Try missing a couple of child support payments

9. We are born naked, wet, hungry; we get slapped on our butts.

Then, things get worse.

10. There are two theories to arguing with women.

Neither one works.

11. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

12. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

13. Sex is like air.

It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

14. No one is listening until you fart.

15. Always remember you're unique-just like everyone else.

16. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.

18. Never, under any circumstances,

Take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

THESE ARE THINGS WE LEARN WITH AGE...

SO, PASS THE WISDOM ON OR JUST LET THE YOUNG ONES LEARN THE HARD WAY...

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Chinese Detective

A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese
detective...the cheapest one he could find.
This is his report...

Most honourable sir!
You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave
house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He
kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she.
She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.

No fee,

Cheng Lee

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obama

Only
Black
African 2
Manage
America

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A Few Interesting Sex Facts From Around The World]

At Any Given Moment:

79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

58,000,000 are kissing.

37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

1 lonely person is reading e-mails.

You hang in there sunshine!

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Two chimps and a Blonde

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when
she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man
walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My
problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken
to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want
to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the
zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were
ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped
into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of
the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde
walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much
to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled
off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing
here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to
the zoo.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over
--- so now we're going to SeaWorld

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Psychiatry

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children ...
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said,
"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mother,
"Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your
child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mother.
"Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child's
name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up,takes her little boy by the
hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving".

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Senior age disorder

BE CAREFUL, THIS FOR YOU ALL ONLY!!!

Friends,

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and
decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I
brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can
under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the

bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house
to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd

been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke
aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator
to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye - they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to
water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with
water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the

kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all

damn day,

And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for
it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet,

Your day is coming!!

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X- Irish Medical Dictionary

Artery......................... The study of paintings

Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria

Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die

Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section...............A neighbourhood in Rome

Catscan....................... Searching for the pussy

Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her

Colic.......................... A sheep dog

Coma........................... A punctuation mark

Dilate......................... To live long

Enema.......................... Not a friend

Fester......................... Quicker than someone
else

Fibula......................... A small lie

Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain.....................Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane

Morbid......................... A higher offer

Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates

Node........................... I knew it

Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted

Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative................. A letter carrier

Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery

Rectum......................... Nearly killed him

Secretion...................... Hiding something

Seizure........................ Roman emperor

Tablet......................... A small table

Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport

Tumour..........................One plus one more

Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out

2 Condoms..................To be sure, to be sure!

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X - Tuesday Evening Jokes.

Body Found!!!

Today, the police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby.
They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and
a Small Dick.
I was just checking to make sure that you are okay.

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing
about which place had the toughest trees.
The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a
hole in the tree with no problem.
The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck
a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'I'm-peckable' (a term
woodpeckers like to use).
The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and
accepted the challenge.
The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully
pecked the so-called 'I'm-peckable' tree almost without breaking a
sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.
How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican
tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree,
yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

Judge: You are charged with throwing your mother-in-law out of your
fourth-storey window.
Defendant: I did it without thinking, your Honour.
Judge: That's no excuse! Don't you see how dangerous it might have
been for anyone passing at the time?

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come
to the corral, he explained,
"That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."
A little later on, they saw horses.
The Grandpa said,
"That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said,
Grandma turned to Grandpa and said,
"Will you please serve the turkey?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled,
"If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"

A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender,
"Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"
The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender says,
"Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The cowboy replies,
"Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender says
"Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?"
"I have................. Only fifty cents!"

"Doc, I can't sleep anymore," the man complained. "I've tried
everything, but I just toss and turn."
"You have to learn to relax," the doctor said. "Try putting each part
of your body to sleep separately."
That night the guy crawled into bed, got comfortable and started to
talk to his body.
"Toes, go to sleep," he whispered.
"Feet, go to sleep.
Legs, go to sleep.
Hips, go to sleep.
Stomach, go to sleep"
Just then, his wife walked in wearing a transparent teddy.
Her husband opened one eye, then lifted his head from the pillow.
"OK," he shouted, "up, up...everybody up!"

She has one toe, and bought a pair of flip flops.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
She got stabbed in a shoot-out.

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..... And then the fight started

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
channels She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust'

And then the fight started

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary She said, 'I want something shiny that
goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds!'

I bought her a scale

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take
her someplace expensive so, I took her to a gas station

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to
apply for Social Security The woman behind the counter
asked me for my driver's license to verify my age I
looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt' So I opened
my shirt revealing my curly silver hair She said, 'that
silver hair on your chest is proof of enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants You
might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her
drink as she sat alone at a nearby table

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes', I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
since'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
I took my wife to a restaurant The waiter, for some
reason, took my order first

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare,
please"

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad
cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself"

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- ---
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her
husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly

I really need you to pay me a compliment'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near
perfect'

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light
for $1495

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $795

I told her the beer would make her look better at night
than the cold cream

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise
came from outside

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at
the man 'Holy crap that must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped
out the window

He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush
and to his car as fast as he could go A few minutes later
he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the
woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you
running?'

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary? "It warmed my heart to see her face melt
in sweet appreciation "Somewhere I haven't been
in a long time!" She said So I suggested, "How
about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A
Millionaire?", while we were in bed I turned to her
and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered I then said, "Is that
your final answer?" She didn't even look at me
this time, simply saying "Yes" So I said,
"Then I'd like to phone a friend"

And that's when the fight started

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XX - CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX!

This is a little risque...

If you are a prude ...please abstain from reading...

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent 12 Calories
Without her consent 2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands 8 Calories
With one hand 12 Calories
With your teeth 485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection 6 Calories
Without an erection 3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary 12 Calories
69 lying down 78 Calories
69 standing up 812 Calories
Wheelbarrow 216 Calories
Doggy Style 326 Calories
Italian chandelier 2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real 112 Calories
Fake 1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging 18 Calories
Getting up immediately 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately 816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years 36 Calories
30-39 years 80 Calories
40-49 years 124 Calories
50-59 years 1,972 Calories
60-69 years 7,916 Calories
70 and over Results still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly.. 32 Calories
In a hurry 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door 5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door 13,521 Calories

Results may vary!

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD
Right now, as you read this,
69 Million people are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!!!

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XX - Nun the wiser

If you can get this you are not a prude

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome ..
One leans over to the other and says,
"I've never come this way before."
The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones"

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Pick up line

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced
him, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen up, Buddy. I
screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car,
front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down,
naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me.
Been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, ''No kidding. I'm a
lawyer, too. What firm are you with?'

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The Bear and The Racoon

A bear and a raccoon were walking through the woods one day. They came
across a genie that was lost in the woods. The genie was so happy with
the directions that the animals gave him that he said to them, "I will
give you both three wishes each." He turned to the bear first.
The bear (who was really into sex), said, "Ok, ok...I want...All the
bears in this forest to be female, except me!" Poof! It was done.

The genie turned to the racoon. The racoon thought for a minute, and
said, "I want a...MOTORCYCLE!"
The bear thought he was crazy, but the genie granted his wish.
Turning back to the bear, he goes, "I wish...the bears in the next
forest over were female, too!" POOF! It was done.
The racoon thinks for a minute, and says, "I want a motor cycle HELMET!"
The bear say, "You idiot! You could ask for all the money in the world
and BUY those things! You're wasting your wishes on JUNK!"
The racoon just shrugged, and POOF!-it was done.
The bear's final wish was, after very little thinking, "I wish all the
bears in the whole world (except for me) were female!"
Poof, it was done.
The bear and the Genie look at the racoon expectantly. The racoon got
on his motor cycle, strapped on the helmet, and turns it on. He reved
the engine and said, "I wish the bear was GAY!" and roars away .

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It doesn't hurt To have a little Biblical humour to start the YEAR...

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?

A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?

A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah.

He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A. Pharaoh's daughter.

She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a Little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.

David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A. Samson.

He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer
lived in in Eden ?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses.

He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A. The area around Jordan .

The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?

A. David,

He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep...

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?

A. Joshua,

Son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?

A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.

( Groan...)

PS... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?

Yup, it's in the Bible.

It says . . 'He-brews'

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