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Tuesday, September 30, 2008

XX - Virgin Bride

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and
says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm
a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On
the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic
band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in,
snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They
have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife
gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg,
finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress - her hubby "slips it in" and just then she
snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Things Dogs Must Remember...

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's
on the toilet.
.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying
under the coffee table.
.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of
clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
.
I will not lick my human's face after eating stinky food.
.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window
rolled down when it's raining outside.
.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I
hear one on TV.
.
I will not steal my family's underwear and dance all over
the back yard with it.
.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in
for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in Texas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts
going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts
shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the
color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a
person.

It's because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes, but women in general.... and all in the name
of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

'You stay the hell out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little
shit sitting on your knee.'

Saturday, September 27, 2008

The PERFECT man

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He
gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just
like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang
like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should
have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He
remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods
to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not
like me. I change a fuse , and the whole street blacks out. But Frank
Feldman, he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a
woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if
she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes
highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his
f---ing widow.'

To all you pet owners!

My neighbor discovered that her dog could barely hear so she took it
to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears
so he shaved both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep
this from recurring, she should go to the drugstore and buy 'Nair
Hair Remover' and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the store and gets the 'Nair Hair Remover'.

At the register the pharmacist tells her, 'If you're going to use
this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.

The lady says, 'I'm not using it under my arms.'
The druggist says, 'Well, if you're using it on your legs don't shave
for a couple of days.'
The lady says 'Well, I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must
know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'
The druggist said, 'Stay off your bicycle'

Here are some one liners..

1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..

7. Born free, taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble
putting on your pants.

12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper
tray and the blinking red light.

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who
invented the other three, he was the genius.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.

21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

25. Someday is not a day of the week.

26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.

28. The road to success.... is always under construction.

29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again,
neither does Milk.

30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive,
fattening or married to someone else.

Who wear the trousers

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was
take off my trousers,' he said.
'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did,
they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly
wear them, as they were too large.
'I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this
family and I always will.'
Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.' Jack took
his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the
wedding, he
did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told
her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear> them.
'Exactly,' replied Jack. 'I wear the trousers in this relationship and
I always will. I don't want ! you to forget that.???
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.
Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack.
'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you don't change your attitude, you
never will.'

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Mexican Words of the Day ... Amigos

*MUSHROOM*
When my familia gets in the car there's not MUSHROOM left!

*CHICKEN*
My wife wants me to go to the store but CHICKEN go herself!

*JULY*
You told me you loved me but JULY to me!

* TEXAS *
My stupid friend don't call no more, jus TEXAS me.

*TISSUE*
Hey Vato if you don no how to do it, let me TISSUE.

*JEWISH*
My carnelito asked to drive my carucha and I say JEWISH.

*WATER*
My vieja gets mad and I don't even know WATER problem is !

*SODAS*
My ruca cooks good and SODAS her s is ter.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Fear of someone under my bed at night

*Ever since I was a child I've always had a fear of someone under
my bed at night*. *So I went to a shrink and told him . . . 'I've
got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'*

*'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.
'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get
rid of those fears..'*

*'How much do you charge?'*

*'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.*

*'I'll sleep on it,' I said.*

*Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you
ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.*

*'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an
awful lot of money! * *A bartender cured me for $10. I was so
happy to have saved all
that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so?' with a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I
ask, did a bartender cure you?'*

*'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - ain't nobody under
there now ! '*

*SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER.*

Pups at the Vet! ..

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they
struck up a conversation...

The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you

here?' The brown Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything... the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last

night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.'

The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'
'Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab.

'They reckon it'll calm me down'.

The black Lab then turned to the yellow Lab and asked, 'Why

are you here? 'The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, I dig up
flowers and trees, I dig just for the "Hell" of it. When I'm inside, I dig

up the carpets. But I went 'over the line' last night when I dug a
great big hole in my owner's couch.'

'So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquired?

'Looks like I'm losing my
nuts too', the dejected yellow Lab said.

The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are

you here?' 'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything and
everything.
I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, the car, fence posts, the
water pipe, the bath tub, the hair dryer, a bowl of butter, a basket
of fruits, a pawpaw, the water cooler.. whatever. I want to hump

everything I see...

Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was
bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped
on her back and started humping away'...

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,

'So,nuts off for you too, huh?'

The black Lab replied... 'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.'!!!

Monday, September 22, 2008

XXX - OOOPS!!

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

2. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

3. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little
behind in his work.

4. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

5. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was sited for littering.

6. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.

7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

8. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

.10. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off Grass.'

11. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No
change yet.'

12. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium, at large.

13. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.

14. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

15. Don't join dangerous cults, participate in safe sects.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Aids Warning!!

SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven
dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in

Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ...'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No,
Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son,
there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding
the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy f**ked a penguin!'

'Grumpy f**ked a penguin!

xxx - Very Naughty Short SMS messages

Care - some are really risque* If necessity is the mother of
invention, then… Frustration is the father of masturbation!

* What is the definition of a healthy virgin?
One who has never been Bed RIDDEN !

* While preparing her RESUME a young Lady wrote:
Special qualification: I am Flexible enough to Perform in all Positions.

* Define contraceptive pill?
It's the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid
pregnancy.

* What do politicians & porn stars have in common?
They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera!

* Importance of UNITY explained at it's best:
One Leg of a woman tells the other: UNITED we are saved, divided we are *ucked.

* Same Sex Marriage: What's the big deal in same sex marriages? I've
been married to the same woman for 25 years and had the same old sex
all that time.

* Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both r pregnant!
Tragedy: When U r Not responsible 4 both!

Classic Class Reunion

Two old high school buddies get together at their class reunion.
Having not seen each other for many years, the first guy asks,
'How have things been going?'
The second guy, speaking very slowly replied,

'I w..a..s a..l..m..o...s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d.'

The first guy says in amazement, 'Hey, you don't stutter any more,
that's great.'

The second guy replies,
'Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r
a..n..d h...e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I
s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n...o..t
s..t...u..t..t..e..r.'

The first guy congratulates him and then asks, 'What did you mean by
you were almost married?'

'W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I
w..e..r..e s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r
p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g
s..t..a..r..t..e..d s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s
b..a..c..k, a..n..d s..o I t..o..l..d h..e..r
t..h..a..t a..f..t..e..r w..e a..r..e
m..a..r..r..i...e..d, s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t
f..o..r m..e.. A..n..d t..h..e..n s..h..e
s..l..a..p..p..e..d m..e a..n..d t..h..r..e..w t..h..e
.r..i..n..g o..n t..h...e g..r..o..u..n..d.'

'Why whould she do that? Wasn't she a romantic type?'
asks the first guy.

'W..e..l..l, s..h..e w..a..s, b..u..t I
s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y t..h..a..t, b..y
t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h...e l..o..o..k..e..d a..t
t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g
h..i..s b..a..l..l..s.'

The Machine that Catches Thieves

In U.S. they invented a machine that catches thieves; they took it out
to different countries for a test.

In U.S.A, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves;

UK , in 30 minutes it
caught 500 thieves;

Spain , in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves;

Ghana ,
in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves;

Sri Lanka , in 5 minutes the machine
was stolen.

Luigi's new shoes

Luigi was in this country for only 6 months.
He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli
leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and
purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.
Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes
for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi, I do wear red panties
tonight, but how do you know?'

Luigi answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli
leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance and after a few minutes he asks,
'Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi, I do, but how do you know that?'

He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather
shoes. How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,
Luigi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, 'Carmela, be
stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,
please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi, I wear no panties tonight.'

Luigi gasps,

'Thanka God ..
I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!'

Friday, September 19, 2008

POST TURTLE

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher whose
hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah
Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President .

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post
turtle was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post
turtle."

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued
to explain. "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't
belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and
you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put her up there to begin with."

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Tell Me This Won't Happen to Us...

LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into.. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.
The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. 'She
got in the back-seat by mistake.'
________________________________________________________________________

FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night
the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She
starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help
both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
________________________________________________________________________

'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
_______________________________________________________________________

LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
_______________________________________________________________________

OLD FRIENDS:

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, 'Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a
long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
_______________________________________________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
_______________________________________________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing
it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few
more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red
again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat
was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned
that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next
intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know
that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have
killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'
_______________________________________________________________________

Contractor

Three contractors . . . One from India, another from Germany and the
third from England are bidding to repair the White House fence. A
senior White House official takes them to examine it.

The English contractor : takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works on some figures with a pencil. 'Well,' he
says. 'I figure the job will cost $900 . . . $400 for materials,
$400 for labour and $100 profit for me.'
The German contractor : also does some measuring and figuring, then
says, 'I can do this job for $700 . . . $300 for materials, $300 for
my crew and $100 profit for me.'

The Indian contractor doesn't measure or do any figuring, but leans
over to the White House official and whispers: '$2,700.'

The official incredulously says, 'You didn't even measure like the
other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

'Easy,' the Indian explains, '$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we
hire the guy from Germany to do the work!'

Guess who got the contract............ ......... ...!!

Laughter is the best medicine

1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says 'If you continue to behave like this, you're going to lose
ALL your friends.'

2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'......

3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without
Information Fighting Everyday'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

4. Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mum fainted,
dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident
and confidential?'
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over
there, is also my son, that's confidential!'

6. Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you
control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush

BRAND NEW of UDURAWANA

Name of the car
(Udurawana's friend bought a Toyota Corolla)
Udurawana : What is the name of your car ?
Friend : I forgot the name, but starts with 'T'.
Udurawana : Ohoo your car starts with Tea, and my car starts with Petrol.

Udurawana with a computer

Udurawana joined new job & got a chance of working with a computer for
the 1st time.
1st day he worked till late evening on the computer.
Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Udurawana : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

Udurawana's SWOT analysis

1. Strength : My wife.
2. Weakness : My neighbor's wife.
3. Opportunity : When My neighbor is on tour.
4. Threat : When I am on tour

Who is the boss ??

Udurawana was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to
a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave
him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had
finished the book by the time he reached his house.

Udurawana stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a
finger in her face, he said,

'From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house,
and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,
and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert
afterward.

Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair ....'

'The funeral director,' said his wife.

Flute

Udurawana : Hey man ! why did you give this useless flute to my son ?
Shopkeeper : What happened, sir ?
Udurawana : what happened ? this flute is full of holes....!!! !

Break Into the House

Udurawana went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar
who had broken into his house the night before.
'You'll get your chance in court,' said the desk sergeant.
'No, no,no!' said Udurawana. 'I just want to know how he got into the
house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!'

Hearing

Udurawana had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.

He went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your
hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can
hear again.'

Udurawana replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!'

Communication

Udurawan & his friend tired of mobile & decide to use pigeons.
One day a pigeon reaches Udurawana without message.
Angry Udurawana calls his friend & asks
' Is this a miss call ???????????? '

Mother tongue.

Son(while filling up a form) : Dad, what should I write against mother tongue.?
Udurawana : Very long!

Door bell

A lady calls Udurawana for repairing door bell.
Udurawana doesn't turns up for 4 days.
Lady calls again.
Udurawana replies: I came 4 days, pressed the bell, but no one came out.

Lost key

Udurawana : I have swallowed a key.
Doctor: When?
Udurawana : 3 months back!
Doctor: What were you doing till now?
Udurawana : I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too

Name of dogs

Udurawana who had acquired two new dogs, was visiting his friend,
and the friend asked what their names were.
Udurawana responded by saying that one was named 'Rolex' and one was
named 'Gemex'.
His friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'They're watch dogs!' answered Udurawana.

What is further away

Udurawana & neighbor living in Kandy were sitting one night on a bench
talking..... ...
The neighbor says to Udurawana,
'Which do you think is further away..... Colombo or the Moon ?'
Udurawana turns and says ' Colombo '
'Why ?????' The neighbor asks
'Can you see Colombo from here ????' Udurawana replies .

The act of unlocking

A customer arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up their car,
They were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it.
He went to the service department and found the mechanic Udurawana.

Udurawana working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As the customer watched from the passenger's side, he instinctively
tried the door handle and discovered it was open.
'Hey,' he announced to the technician, 'It`s open!'
'I know,' answered Udurawana. 'I already got that side. Now I am
trying to open driver's side '

Well prepared

Mrs Udurawana phoned Udurawana in the office and said: 'Darling, come
home early, we are going to have my mother for dinner.'

'Good' replied Udurawana, 'make sure she's prepared well'.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Mahinda and Ranil on Holiday

Mahinda called Ranil into Temple Trees one day and said, 'Ranil, I
have a great idea! Shall we go to Hambantota for the week-end and
have a little rest and discussion?'

Great idea'... Ranil agreed, 'How will we go about it?' asked Ranil.

'Well' said Mahinda, 'We'll get ourselves in to my helicopter and go
to Hambantota and stay at the best hotel there for a couple of days.
But I want to take my Alsatian dog because no body will be in Temple
Trees when I'm not here.'

So next day with the Alsatian dog at heel, they settled down at the
best hotel in Hambantota then after a refresh went direct to the pub,
the dog by their side.

'Good evening, may we have two doubles of your best Arrack ?' said
Mahinda to the barman. 'Good evening Mr. President', said the barman,
'Two doubles of best Arrack is, coming up'.

Mahinda and Ranil stood leaning on the bar drinking their Arrack,
chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the pub for a
drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet. All of a sudden, the door
from the adjacent bar opened and in came a man; he walked up to the
Alsatian, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his
shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another man, walked up to the dog, lifted
its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the
other bar. Over the course of the next half hour or so several other
locals came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Mahinda and Ranil could stand it no longer and called the
Barman over. 'Tell me,' said Ranil, 'why did all those people come in
and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it a local custom in this
town?'

'Good God no,' said the barman. 'It's just that someone went and told
them that there is an Alsatian dog in this bar with two arseholes'.

How you become a Cab Driver

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City . It was
raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

'Mommy,' said the little boy, 'what are all those ladies doing?'

'They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work,' she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, 'Geez lady, why don't you tell him
the truth? Their hookers. They have sex with men for money.'

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, 'Is that true, mommy?' His
mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, 'Mommy what happens to the babies
those ladies have?'

'They become cab drivers,' she replied.

French Fighter Pilot

To be read with a French accent...

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out
for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day
and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red
wine!'
She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me
lower.'
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours
it on her breasts.
'Pierre! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have
white wine!'
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things
really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me much lower!'
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in
her lap.
He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams
furiously, 'PIERRE , WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in
flames!'

Saturday, September 06, 2008

X - Drunk At The Bar

A drunk is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom
blonde a few seats down from him with breasts size
44DD'S.

A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The
bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It
hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them. The
bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off of her breasts.

This happens a couple more times.

The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick
her breasts. She decks him! He's laying on the floor moaning and groaning.

'Why do you let the bartender do it?'

'Because he has.............(your gonna love this)......

A LICKER LICENSE!

Monday, September 01, 2008

This 'English', ain't it simply crazy?

You lovers of the English language might be fascinated with this .

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.

quick pre-cursor ~ - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?

Now read to the end . . . here are some of the many twists to the
presentation of our beloved English, some whacky, some hilarious and
some downright ludicrous but all perfectly gramatically correct!!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse..

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out..

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests..

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France
. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are
meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we
find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why
isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2
meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make
amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get
rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the
English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally
insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and
feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in
which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes
off by going on.

WHAT'S UP?

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any
other two-letter word, and that is 'UP'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of
the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a
meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the
officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP
a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP
the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock
UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car . At other times the
little word has real special meaning. People stirUPtrouble, line UP
for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed
is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is
clogged UP .. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at
night.

We seem to be pretty mixed-Up about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the
proper uses of UP ,look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized
dictionary, it takesUPalmost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about
thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a
list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time,
but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP ,When the sun
comes out we say it is clearingUP ..

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP ..

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP ..

Get UP, stand UP, sit UP, set UP, look UP, check UP, pucker UP, then
for the more enterprising there is F--k UP!...that's Fork UP, now what
were you thinking?.........

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP,
so........... is it time to shut down or just SHUT UP ? ............
Well I think I'll just zip UP for the time being, I'm kind of getting
fed UP! now.

Oh! . . .just one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do
at night? U-P

Oh well, La di da!....UP, UP and away!

WHY ON EARTH DO WE PUT UP WITH ALL THIS!!!

Bless You!!

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then
shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his
reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her
nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious
about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed again.
As before she used a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even
more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,

'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped
your nose, and then shuddered violently.

Are you OK?

'I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition.
Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.

'I have never heard of that condition before,' he said. 'Are you
taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded. 'Pepper.'

Questions Abby Could Not Answer...

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is
a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her
mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never
seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could
be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and
Violence On My VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even
sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been
on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my
boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough
to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and
when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it
would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who
was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how
do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00
an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he
drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going
through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in
sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex
and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Will I live to see 85?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two
visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing fairly
"well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be
85?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs
either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, barbecued
ribs or sausage?' I said, 'No, my former doctor
said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, boating, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I
don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, ride a
Harley, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a
shit?'

Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request
to his wife with endearing terms such as:
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were
still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his
host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still
call your wife those loving pet names'.

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said,
'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death
to ask her what it is!'

Why ladies today are still single

1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have No money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we
are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't
think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice
and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money
and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in
us when we take the initiative.

NOW, WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?

"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job
to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something
you'd like to have dinner with."

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