For those who haven't heard: New Zealand just passed both laws - gay
marriage and legalized marijuana. The fact that gay marriage and marijuana
were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because
Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be
stoned." We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!
During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should
remember
these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
The Penis, hereby requests a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.
Reply:
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,
the management denies your request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting
other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations,such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed
the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely, The Management
An elderly man on a Moped, pulls up next to a doctor at traffic
lights. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What
kind of car you got there sonny?" The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO,
it can do up to 320 miles an hour," he said proudly. "Mind if I take a
look inside?" "No problem," replies the doctor. So the old man pokes
his head in the window and looks around. Sitting back on his Moped,
the old man says, "Nice car, but I'll stick with my Moped!" Just then
the light changes and doctor floors it to 160mph. Suddenly, he notices
a dot in his rear view mirror getting closer. He slows down and
suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH something flies past him. He speeds up to see
what it is and up ahead of him, he sees the old man. Amazed that the
Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the
Moped at 275mph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror
and sees the old man gaining on him. He takes the Ferrari all the way
up to 320mph. Again, he sees the Moped bearing down on him. The
Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he and do! Suddenly, the
Moped ploughs into the back of his Ferrari. Unbelievably the old man
is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a
doctor.... is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers,
"Unhook my braces from your side view mirror!"
Angry husband is not satisfied with his wife & sends an SMS to his
Mother-in-Law. "Your product is not matching my requirements."
Smart Mother-in-Law replies – "Warranty expired, manufacturer not
responsible after seal is broken."
A lawyer came home after having sex in his car.
Girl forgot her bra and panty in car.
The wife found them, tore them up and shouted: U dirty bastard u have been
screwing your secretary.
Without blinking an eyelid, lawyer shouted back.
Stupid woman..U..have just destroyed the only evidence of a high profile
rape case I have been working on. U can now forget about diamond necklace u
were asking for.
Wife fell on her knees, crying & trying 2 repair d torn pieces & lawyer
walked away with a smile...
Moral: Start studying LAW
Sign on a railway station in Bihar:
Aana free, jaana free,
pakde gaye to khana free.
***********************
Seen at beauty parlour in Bombay:
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your grandmother!
***********************
Seen on a bulletin board:
Success is relative
The more success, The more relatives.
***********************
Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay:
We need your heads to run our business.
***********************
A traffic slogan:
Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough - or else they never
will be
***********************
Sign in a restaurant:
All drinking water in this establishment has been personally passed by the
manager
***********************
The difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
***********************
Alcohol is a perfect solvent:
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
***********************
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
***********************
Archaeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
***********************
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have:
The older she gets, the more interested he becomes in her.
***********************
There are two kinds of people who don't say much:
Those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
***********************
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got
married...
And then it was too late!
***********************
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the 'y' becomes silent.
***********************
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook
them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what
do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
Count every "F" in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.....
(SEE BELOW)
HOW MANY 'F's?
Count them again.
WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke..
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 'F's before you scroll down.
The reasoning behind this is further down.
The brain cannot process "OF".
Incredible or what?
Anyone who counts all 6 'F's on the first go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
·
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles; U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a
rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all
right now.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count
that votes.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies,
'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo shit.
It means someone stole the tent.'
A language professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
negative.
However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up
"Yeah, right."
Ford announced today a new car built specifically for Southern California
freeways.
It's called a stationary wagon.
Weather forecasters' thinking is sometimes clouded.
To become one, you need a lot of degrees.
Forecasters who aren't paid enough may start a storm of protest after some
brain storming.
Arguments about the weather usually blow over.
Today freezing rain was predicted, and sure enough it was an ice day.
A guy bought a skipping rope because his doctor prescribed pills for;
Two days running and then skip a day.
Sam and Max were psychologists, and the best of friends.
Sam's practice was based upon the theories of Sigmund Freud, but Max relied
more upon the theories of Carl Jung.
One wintry night, as they were walking home from the community college where
they had just given a lecture, Sam slipped on the ice and did a swan dive
into the sidewalk.
Dazed, he looked up to see his friend regarding him thoughtfully.
"Well, what is it?" he snapped.
Max extended his hand and said,
"Sorry, but it's just that this is the first time I've actually seen a
Freudian slip."
In a democracy, it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and
says,
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're
sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your
sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone
"lLke hell, they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father,
"You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, do you hear me?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay" he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
Throughout the Bible's Old Testament, not much good is said about adultery.
Turn to the New Testament however, and there we are admonished to "Love our
Neighbor"
Go figure!
A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons.
She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign
on them saying "5 boxes for a dollar."
Well, the woman just could not believe this price.
So, she asks the clerk if it was correct.
He said
"Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."
She said
"That can't be right !"
The clerk says
"Oh yes, it's right! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached."
Marriage is a wonderful institution,
But
Who wants to live in an institution?
The lawyer hopes you get into trouble...
The doctor hopes you fall ill...
The police hopes you become a criminal...
The teacher hopes you are born stupid...
The coffin maker wants you dead...
Only a thief wishes you prosperity in life!!!
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs,
pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"
An older lady named Ida was somewhat lonely since her cat died and she
decided she needed another pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop
she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her
interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she
looked and he winked at her.
He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO . BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.. YOU WON'T EVER
BE SORRY.'
Ida figured, what the heck! She hadn't found
anything else. So she bought the frog. She placed
him in the car, on the front seat beside her.
As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME
AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!
So, Ida figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young,
handsome prince
THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED IDA'S KISS.
SUDDENLY IDA FELT HERSELF
TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW
CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IDA TURNED INTO?
COME ON GUESS!
*
*
*
*
*
SHE TURNED INTO
the first Holiday Inn
SHE COULD FIND!!!
She's old...... NOT DEAD!!!!!
OLD LADIES ROCK
A man walks into a crowded local bar in Darwin, brandishing a revolver,
yelling, "Who's the bastard that's been screwing my wife?"
A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, "You don't have enough ammo
mate!"
You have it?
What is confidence????
A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told
that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to
feature pilotless technology: "It is an uncrewed aircraft."
Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's
software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system.
Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a
different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed.
Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he
replies: "If it is the same software thats developed by my company's
IT systems department, this plane won't even take off!!!! ."
That is called Confidence!!!
ODDS & ENDS
1. The Worst Slogan Translations Ever
2. The Racoon Coat
3. The Dead Mule
4. Good Sex For Golfers (Adult Content)
5. The Prom (Adult Content)
1.
THE WORST SLOGAN TRANSLATIONS EVER
13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were
supposed to have read,
"It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."
The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to
embarrass, so the ad read:
"It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in
an American campaign:
"Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."
11) Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany
only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure.
Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
10) Coors put its slogan,
"Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
9) Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into
"Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
8) When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label.
Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on
the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno magazine.
6) Frank Perdue's chicken slogan,
"It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as
"it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first
class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather"
campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in
Spanish.
4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish
market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope"
(el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
3) The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?"
prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico.
It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read
"Are You Lactating?"
2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the
Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It
Doesn't Go".
1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning
"Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending
on the dialect.
Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent
"kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
2.
THE RACOON COAT
Back in the roaring twenties raccoon coats were the rage, especially
among the college set in the ivy league schools.
Just any raccoon coat wouldn't do.
It had to be a full length duster almost reaching the floor to really
be in style.
John, a young man with a very rich but miserly father who was entering
his freshman year at Harvard was surprised to learn when he moved into
the dorm that he just couldn't fit in without a raccoon coat.
He pleaded with his father that he just had to have a raccoon coat or
would never make it at school.
After several letters back and forth his father agreed to purchase a
beautiful coat on one condition.
The condition was that the coat must not be damaged in any way during
the next four years.
If there was any damage to the coat at all after four years the John
would be disinherited and have to go find a job on his own.
He would not be allowed to join the father in his very prosperous business.
John quickly agreed to the conditions without thinking of the implications.
The father bought the best raccoon coat money could buy, then had
several members of his staff count the number of hairs on the coat.
They found there were exactly 1,524,203 hairs.
A second group of staff members recounted and confirmed there were
1,524,203 hairs.
The coat was then carefully sealed in a package and sent off to
Harvard with a note informing the John of the hair count.
When John received the coat he was overjoyed that his ostracism by his
fellow students was soon to end.
Then he read the enclosed letter.
He showed the coat to all his friend but was afraid to wear it under
any circumstances for fear of damaging it in some manner.
After everyone had seen the coat he resealed it in its box and placed
it on the shelf in his closet.
He often showed the coat to new friends but could never work up the
courage to wear it until his senior year.
Harvard was playing Yale for the conference championship in football.
He bought nine tickets to the game, three seats behind his, the seats
to either side, and the three seats in front.
He was going to be damned sure no one spilled drink or mustard on his
beloved coat.
He didn't enjoy the game at all because of his concern for his coat.
Immediately after the game he returned the coat to the closet where it
had been for three years after carefully spending several hours
recounting the hairs.
All 1,524,203 were intact but after such a tedious job he made a mistake.
He didn't reseal the bag in which he had been storing the coat these many years.
During the night a campus moth crawled under the door of the closet,
fluttered up onto the box and crawled inside.
He had a feast but being a small moth one hair was all his tiny
stomach could hold.
He emerged from the box, fluttered from the closet and flew up onto
the light fixture to get warm and have a nap.
The next day the hapless student decided to recheck the hair-count.
It took him hours but when finished he knew he was in trouble.
There were only 1,524,202 hairs.
He wailed in despair at the top of his lungs.
All his fraternity brothers came running into the room expecting the worst.
John recounted the whole story about his fathers conditions and his
impending fate.
In all the commotion the little moth asleep on the light fixture awakened.
He listened to the story in amazement.
As the whole story unfolded the moth became terribly sad.
Have you ever seen a moth bawl?
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
3.
THE DEAD MULE
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville, MS.
And bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said,
"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis & Leroy replied,
"Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said,
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said,
"OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked,
"What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said,
"We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said,
"You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said,
"We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the
Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked,
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,
"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said,
"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said,
"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said,
"Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
4.
GOOD SEX FOR GOLFERS -
Here are the Rules
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one
club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary
until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to
do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take
time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed
bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being
played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players
equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been
properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for
the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if
they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a
private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all
times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful
in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means
of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any
bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with,
and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before
attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners
request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the same hole several times in one match.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
5.
THE PROM
There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were
approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom
night and neither of them had a date for it.
So one day, the girl approaches her brother and says, "Hey, you got a
date for the prom yet?"
He says, "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?"
"You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"
"Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!"
"Well, are you taking somebody else out?"
"You know I don't have a date, sis."
"And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?" Her
brother nods.
She continues, "So we should go with each other."
The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells
his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening he
will take her to the prom.
Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so
the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom on
Friday.
At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that
his sister talked him into taking her.
Then, while he's standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.
"Hey, brother, let's dance. "
He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. "Look, sis, this
is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at
the prom, okay?"
"Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why
can't you dance with your sister?"
"Oh... all right. "
So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after
a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time.
In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at
him and says, "Let's not go straight home."
He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?"
"Oh, I don't know. Just drive around."
He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the
country, she looks over at him again and says, "Want to find some
place to park?"
"Hell," he says, "are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going
parking with you!"
"Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over
somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both
of us, how long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each
other?"
So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a
secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks
over at him again.
"Hey... " she says.
"What?"
"Why don't you kiss me?"
"You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that?
I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister! "And he reached for the
ignition switch to start the car.
She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've
mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love
each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him
on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing,
she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it."
"Do what?" said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister
had in mind.
"You know what," his sister replied.
"I can't do that with you, you're my... " His voice trailed off.
While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a
lot lighter than Dad."
"I know," said her brother. "Mom told me."
Did You Know ...
If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side.
If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side.
If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water.
For when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink.
If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it.
The Mercedes-Benz motto is "Das Beste oder Nichts" meaning "the best
or nothing".
The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal.
The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at
Something pleasing.
An average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.
Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system.
Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day.
Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.
The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean,
But rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
From the depths of the crypt at St. Giles
Came a scream that echoed for miles.
Said the vicar: "good gracious!
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the bishop has piles?"
Two notoriously lascivious young women, Teri and Julie, were comparing
their experiences at the previous night's annual company Christmas
Party.
"Did you get laid, Teri?" asked Julie.
"Twice!" exclaimed Teri.
"Only twice?" said Julie.
"Yeah," explained Teri, "once by the band and once by the accounting
department."
A mother can get pregnant while nursing,
But
it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him
to sleep first.
A friend went to see the movie "American Beauty" and was quite
bothered by some scenes, in particular a masturbation scene.
Discussing the movie with her husband later, she said,
"I'm sorry, but I find masturbation in a movie to be really offensive."
Her husband sighed and said,
"All right, I'll stop doing it."
Paramedics rescued a 40 year-old man who got his manhood stuck in the
vacuum cleaner.
The man stated his relationship with his vacuum cleaner was purely sexual.
He didn't want any attachments.
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned
on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of ten years replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And then the fight started.
What do you call a man who died from a Viagra overdose?
A dead stiff.
Two Columbia yuppies, neighbours for years, were constantly trying to
'out-status' each other.
The first man mentioned that his daughter had just been accepted at Vassar.
"That's nice," replied the other, "but the main thing the girls really
learn there is fornication."
The first man became irate and said,
"I'll have you know my wife attended Vassar!"
The neighbour smiled and said,
"Take it from me, pal, she certainly could use a refresher course."
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive.
My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
A man and his wife went to a family planning clinic.
"We've been married for ten years and we've got no kids," said the
husband, "and the next-door neighbours say it's because we're stupid."
"Nonsense," smiled the doctor. "It's probably to do with your diet. Or
it might be a question of timing. How many times a week do you do it?"
"Do what?" asked the wife.
Twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders are called:
A scrotum pole!
I have some neighbours that are lesbians and they have a child.
It occurred to me that in this day of age of increasing lesbian
couples that have children, it brings a whole new meaning to one kid
taunting another when he says,
"My Mom can lick your Mom any time."
The difference between a chicken and a baby is a chicken is
The result of a sitting hen
While the baby is the result of standing cock.
