XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who professed to no sexual feeling
Til a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling

My son asked me,
"Dad, what's a camel toe?"
"Well son, I spluttered, "It's the outline of the ladies privates in her
underwear. Why do you want to know?"
"We have a school project about different types of travel around the world.
I'm doing the desert caravan. I know huskies in the Arctic tow sleds. Just
wondering what a camel tows."

Never take a nurse as a lover.
They're taught to wait until the swelling goes down.

On Valentines Day, Paul is walking to his girls house one afternoon and
passes a florist shop.
On a whim he buys a big bunch of flowers for her.
When he gets to her house he holds the flowers out to her.
Instead to taking them she slides her panties off from under her skirt, lays
back on the couch, spreads her legs and says
"This is for the flowers."
Paul looks at her and says
"Oh come now, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."

The new rule at the girls' school:
Lights out by ten, candles by eleven.

An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times."
"Are you sorry for your sins?"
"What sins?"
"What kind of a Catholic are you?"
"I'm not a Catholic. I'm Jewish."
"Why are you telling me all this?"
"I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody!"

I was pretty excited when my dyslexic girlfriend sent me a text message
claiming that she loves anal.
It turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend.

Russ and Sam, two friends, very old and frail, met in the park every day to
feed the birds, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day, Russ didn't show up.
Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam
didn't know where Russ lived,
So, he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one
day, Sam approached the park and lo and behold there sat Russ.
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said,
"For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?"
Russ replied,
"I was in jail."
"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Russ said, "you know Sue, that cute sexy little blonde waitress at
the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I
was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty. The damn judge
gave me 30 days for lying under oath."

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,
So, I did.
She's 25, and her name's Kathy.

On Valentine's Day a drunk young man walked up to an attractive girl and
said,
"Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"
"Yes, but I know you're going to ask eventually anyway, so let's get it over
with."
"Great. How many men have you had sex with?"
"That's my business!" she snapped.
"Cool! How much?"

Men's Thoughts During Love Making: Penetration
What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"