Here are some funny one-liners - some old, some new -

The difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent:
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

Archeologist:
Someone whose career lies in ruins.

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have:
The older she gets,
The more interested he is in her.

There are two kinds of people who don't say much:
Those who are quiet
And
Those who talk a lot.

They say that alcohol kills slowly.
So what?
Who's in a hurry ?

My girlfriend asked me,
"Do You believe in love at first sight"?
I said,
"At the first sight of what"?

Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive

One nice thing about egotists:
They don't talk about other people.

There was a man who said,
"I never knew what happiness was until I got married...
And then it was too late

Before marriage,
A man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage,
The 'Y' becomes silent.