Here are some funny one-liners - some old, some new -

The difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent:
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

Archeologist:
Someone whose career lies in ruins.

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have:
The older she gets,
The more interested he is in her.

There are two kinds of people who don't say much:
Those who are quiet
And
Those who talk a lot.

They say that alcohol kills slowly.
So what?
Who's in a hurry ?

My girlfriend asked me,
"Do You believe in love at first sight"?
I said,
"At the first sight of what"?

Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive

One nice thing about egotists:
They don't talk about other people.

There was a man who said,
"I never knew what happiness was until I got married...
And then it was too late

Before marriage,
A man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage,
The 'Y' becomes silent.

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Splinters in Her Crotch

A woman from Los Angeles who was a

tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter

purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.

There was
a large tree on one of the highest points in the

tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor

of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As

she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that

attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid

down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in

her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried

to a local ER to see a doctor.

She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and

an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the

splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and

then told her to go wait in the examining room and he

would see if he could help her. She sat and waited

three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry

woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the

Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service,

and the Bureau of Land Management before I could

remove old-growth timber from a recreational area so

close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but

due to ObamaCare they turned you down."

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Gain Brilliant Advice With These Quotes by Albert Einstein

There are many joys of reading powerful quotations.
One of them is to gain advice from the words of the wise.
Here is a collection of my favourite quotes by Albert Einstein.
Take his advice to heart and you will lead a fuller life.



Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy
habits of thinking.

The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life.
Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul or we get fat.

Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value.

Any fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent.

It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite
direction.

Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.

A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be.

Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.

Never do anything against conscience even if the state demands it.

He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my
contempt.

He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord
would suffice.

Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death.

Never lose a holy curiosity.

A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.



The important thing is not to stop questioning.

In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep, one must above all
be a sheep oneself.

Imagination is more important than knowledge.

Knowledge is limited.
Imagination encircles the world.

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XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who professed to no sexual feeling
Til a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling

My son asked me,
"Dad, what's a camel toe?"
"Well son, I spluttered, "It's the outline of the ladies privates in her
underwear. Why do you want to know?"
"We have a school project about different types of travel around the world.
I'm doing the desert caravan. I know huskies in the Arctic tow sleds. Just
wondering what a camel tows."

Never take a nurse as a lover.
They're taught to wait until the swelling goes down.

On Valentines Day, Paul is walking to his girls house one afternoon and
passes a florist shop.
On a whim he buys a big bunch of flowers for her.
When he gets to her house he holds the flowers out to her.
Instead to taking them she slides her panties off from under her skirt, lays
back on the couch, spreads her legs and says
"This is for the flowers."
Paul looks at her and says
"Oh come now, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."

The new rule at the girls' school:
Lights out by ten, candles by eleven.

An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times."
"Are you sorry for your sins?"
"What sins?"
"What kind of a Catholic are you?"
"I'm not a Catholic. I'm Jewish."
"Why are you telling me all this?"
"I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody!"

I was pretty excited when my dyslexic girlfriend sent me a text message
claiming that she loves anal.
It turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend.

Russ and Sam, two friends, very old and frail, met in the park every day to
feed the birds, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day, Russ didn't show up.
Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam
didn't know where Russ lived,
So, he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one
day, Sam approached the park and lo and behold there sat Russ.
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said,
"For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?"
Russ replied,
"I was in jail."
"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Russ said, "you know Sue, that cute sexy little blonde waitress at
the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I
was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty. The damn judge
gave me 30 days for lying under oath."

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,
So, I did.
She's 25, and her name's Kathy.

On Valentine's Day a drunk young man walked up to an attractive girl and
said,
"Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"
"Yes, but I know you're going to ask eventually anyway, so let's get it over
with."
"Great. How many men have you had sex with?"
"That's my business!" she snapped.
"Cool! How much?"

Men's Thoughts During Love Making: Penetration
What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"

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Here come the horse meat jokes ....

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from
Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.
Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.

Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger.
So, I had a $5 each way !

Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the pony
that she's always wanted!

Had some burgers from tesco for my tea last night....
I still have a bit between my teeth

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF"

I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse....."

Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse
barcodes for serving suggestions.

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?' Cow says 'Illegal
ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse
d'oeuvres.

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead
horse!

Said to the Mrs these Tesco burgers given me terrible trots

To beef or not to beef.
That is equestrian

Is it a coincidence that HAMBURGERS is a anagram of .....SHERGARS BUM

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Age is in ones mind..

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,
SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST
APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE
HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME
HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO
HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD
ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965.. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BASTARD ASKED..

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

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XX smoker in a non smoking store

Sales lady: Excuse me sir this is a non smoking store.
Smoker: But I bought my cigarettes from here.
Sales lady: I know!, we sell condoms too and that doesn't mean you can
use them here.

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Tale of a Senior Moment

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave
myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys.

They were not in my pockets or my purse. A quick search in the meeting
room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I
headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the
ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory
is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory
was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I
had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always
call him "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has
been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but
then I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get
me."

He retorted, "I was on my way, but I'll be delayed."
"Why is that?" I asked.

"Because I was pulled over by the police and now have to convince them
that I didn't steal your car.

Yep, it's the golden years.

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BRAINS OF BRITAIN

I had a good laugh at some of these – I've no idea if they are genuine
though!


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for ''cherry pickers' and ''cheese mongers'?
Contestant:
Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:
Leicester

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and
your elbow?
Contestant:
Arm
Stewart White:
Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:
Strong.
Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:
Louis
Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So, who had a worldwide hit with the song What A
Wonderful World?
Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:
France.
Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.
Contestant:
Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about
their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:
The Conservative Party.


BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:
Goosey?


GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO?MANCHESTER)
Phil:
What's 11 squared?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:
Is it five?


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:
Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:
Er. ... .....
Richard:
He makes bread . . ...
Contestant:
Er .. ........
Richard:
He makes cakes . . ...
Contestant:
Kipling Street?


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:
Barcelona.
Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:
What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:
The Pacific.


ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting
by Leonardo DA Vinci.
Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
Magna Carta?


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller:
Japan.
Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let
you try again.
Caller:
Er ........ Mexico ?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:
Holland?
Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:
Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:
Er... .... .....
Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . .. Kor . ..
Contestant:
Blimey?
Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ...
Contestant:
(Silence)
Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ...
Contestant:
Walked?


THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep
at any time?
Contestant:
Nostalgia.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad
only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:
Jesus.

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Interesting Quotes

1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry! Just remove the damn battery
from the clock and Enjoy life!


2. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is
like expecting the lion not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
Think about it.


3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but
what we are inside. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!


4. Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules
the world! That's called Attitude!


5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did
and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father
did!


6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair. When he died,
the insurance company refused the claim. They said, he who never lived,
cannot die!


7. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving. Which means - it is a
logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without
drinking!!

8. So many options for suicide: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping
from a building, lying on train tracks, but we choose Marriage, slow but
sure!


9. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!


10. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or
married to someone else!


11. Drinking is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru

12. We should learn to love our enemies - Mahatma Gandhi
Now, whom to follow and which one to choose ?

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Neologisms-more stuff

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its
yearly neologism contest,

in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:-

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when
you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish
men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:-

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

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Retired Health Message

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world,

I rapidly realised that I don't really give a damn.

It's the tortoise life for me!



1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.



I'm retired. Go around me. Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play
chess?

16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go
somewhere to get something, and then wonder what am I hereafter



19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.



PS: DID I SEND THESE LITTLE GEMS TO YOU BEFORE?

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