Single vs Engaged vs MARRIED...

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered towards her friends and
said, "Last Friday, at the end of the work day, I went to my
boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat.  When all the other people
had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice,
black stockings and stiletto heels.  He was so aroused that we made
passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

Ooooooooo I said!

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story!
When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a
black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.  He was so
turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our
wedding date!"

Wooooooo I said!!!

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of
planning.  I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's.
 I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume.  I
slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black
stockings and six-inch stilettos.  I finished it off with a black
mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the
remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"

And the fat lady ain't done singing yet!!!

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X - Sportswear sponsorship

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a
basketball player.

They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his  place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.

On his arm, he  has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

'What's that?' the lady questions.

'Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo,
and Reebok pays me.

Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that
says NIKE.

'What's that?' the lady questions again.

'Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV.

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that
says AIDS.

'You didn't tell me you had AIDS!' the lady screams.

'No, no! Calm down,' the man replies, 'This will say ADIDAS in a minute !!!

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Don't Mess with Old People.

The IRS(Inland Revenue Service) decides to audit Grandpa, and summons
him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling.

I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite
my other eye..'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned
auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand , with
Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee
into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere
in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt,
so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's
desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me
he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand
dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and
that you'd be happy about it!'

 

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Chinese New Year & Life on Earth

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of
Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian
racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs
around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this?

It gets worse........
next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

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XX - Hospital tour

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was
masturbating furiously.

'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing
that?' The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained: 'I'm very
sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious
condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he
doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain
and his testicles could easily rupture.'

'Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying
in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman
screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?'

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, better health plan'

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X- Aussie Humor

A man checked into a hotel and told the receptionist, "I hope the porn
channel in my room is disabled!"

The receptionist replied, "No, it's just regular porn, you sick bastard!"

=============

An Australian was walking along a country road in New Zealand when he
saw a farmer going at it with a sheep.

The Aussie yelled, "You know, mate, back home, we shear those!"

The New Zealander looked around frantically and said, "I'm not
shearing her with no one!"

 

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A Preacher said

A Preacher said:
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the
river".
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in
the river".
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all
and throw it in the river".
Again the congregation cried, "Amen!"

The preacher sat down.

The deacon then stood up & said:

"For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing,
'We shall drink from that river'".

THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED HALLELUYA!!!

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ITALIAN VIRGIN

Maria had just  married, and being a traditional Italian she was still
a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was
very nervous.

Her mother reassured her;

'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care
of you.

Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and
exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'

'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.
 Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off
his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, M aria ran downstairs to her
mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'

'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go
upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and
on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she
ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'

Her Mama said, 'Stay here Maria and stir the pasta.'

 

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XX-Flat Stomach

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his
dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts,
worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to
find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'
The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it...'
'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.
'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.
'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on
her knees and blows it right back up.'

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Swines

100 years ago, they said that when a black man became president, pigs would fly.

and on the 100th day of Obama's presidency...

Swine Flew

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