Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Jewish Poker Club

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when
Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops
dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue
playing standing up.

Finklestien looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry
the news.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion
is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door.

The wife answers thru the door and asks what he wants?

Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and
is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg

Blivian Highways -awesome !

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Egypt anyone?

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God save America - note where his hand is ( his heart?)

Reflections - really nice

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How Pearls come to market

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Friday, October 05, 2007

MAID WANTS A PAY INCREASE

A maid in a Wilshire home wanted an increase.

The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you
want an increase?"

Maria: Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The
first is that I iron better than you.

Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "The Master said so."

Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "The Master did."

Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"

Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."

A GAELIC STORY FROM IRELAND

An Irishman walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a
pool with his hand.

The Irishman shouts 'Ná ol an t-uisce, ta sé lán de chac bo' (Don't
drink the water, it's full of cowshit.)

The man shouts back 'I'm English mate. Speak English, I don't understand you'.

The Irishman shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a
lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely
caucasian, white baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the
new parents.
"Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?" The
puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, Well, two Wong's
don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

Sum Ting Wong

Retired

One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the
front lawn were 6 old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was
a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same 6 old
ladies laying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me
and I went inside to talk to the manager.

"Do you know there are 6 ladies laying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard
sale."

Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now
she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear
heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost
a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out
what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

.............. And last but not least,

You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

Greeting Cards

A BAD DAY AT HALLMARK!

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

I 've always wanted to have
someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you .. I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky, West Virginia & of course Hope
Valley)

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?

I 'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

What size dude

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes
in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't
remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK,
you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but something happened. I'm
trying to break this gently to you, but your willy was chopped off in the
wreck and we were unable to find it.'

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9,000
compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new
willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the
thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up at this.

'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches
you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if
you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she
might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide
only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's
important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the
next day.

'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the fellow.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has' says the bloke.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor...

'We're having a new kitchen.'

Mathematics, Sri Lankan-style

I find it most alarming that Sri Lankan schools teach our children the
wrong things. I mean: can the children really apply what they are
taught in school later in life? For example, can you imagine a
mathematics question in a recent examination as follows?

"If an egg costs 5 Rupees, and if you buy one-eighth of the egg, how
much would you have to pay?" Who in heaven's name will want to buy
one-eighth of an egg? The shopkeeper will probably think you are crazy
and he will be equally stupid to break the egg and measure one-eighth
for you. Yet, this is how they structure the questions in Sri Lankan
schools. Why not pose questions that would be more useful later in
life when you go out into the world to earn your living?

To help Sri Lanka 's Ministry of Education to face the realities of
life, we are suggesting some questions they could use in our
classrooms:

QUESTION 1
If you drive from Colombo to Matara and there are four traffic cops
with speed detectors along the way, and if each speed trap would cost
you Rs. 1000 in fines, how much in fines would you accumulate by the
time you reach Matara?

ANSWER (Choose one)
1. I would not suffer any fines as the oncoming cars would flash their
headlights and I would slow down before coming to the speed trap.
2. I would only need to pay a total of Rs 800.00 as I would pay a Rs
200.00 bribe to the each cop.
3. I would not be stopped as I am a SLFP minister and so I am
exempted from all road laws.

QUESTION 2
If your company is awarded a Rs. 250 million government contract, and
you make a 20% profit, how much profit would be at the end of the
contract period?

ANSWER (Choose one)
1. I will not be making a 20% profit as I would have to pay Rajapakse
brothers 75 % for getting the contract.
2. I would make 30% profit, which is the progress payment I receive,
after which I will abandon the project and let the government call for
re-tender.
3. My company will not make any profit at all as I will siphon out all
the profits to my overseas accounts and show a loss to avoid paying
tax.

QUESTION 3
If the SLFP obtained 45% of the popular votes in the last election and
won 112 or 49% of the seats, and if it saw an increase of 10% in votes
this election, how many more seats would it gain?

ANSWER (Choose one)
1. SLFP will not show a 10% increase in votes, as it will stuff the
ballot box with another 20% to give it a 30% vote increase.
2. JHU, Hakeem and Thondaman will jump to them if SLFP looks like
forming a government and they will make it a majority anyway.
3. SLFP has already decided it will win 90% of the seats and the votes
have nothing to do with it.

GRAMMAR IN A NUTSHELL

A high school teacher gave his co-ed class this sentence to punctuate:

'Woman without her man is a savage'

The guys punctuated it as - "Woman without her man, is a savage."

The girls punctuated it - "Woman! Without her, man is a savage." !

A panda walked into a cafe'. He ordered a sandwich, ate it, then
pulled out a gun and shot the waiter. "Why?" groaned the injured man.
The panda shrugged, tossed him a badly punctuated wildlife manual and
walked out. And sure enough, when the waiter consulted the book, he
found an explanation. 'Panda', ran the entry for his assailant, 'Large
black and white mammal native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves'

In 2003 the book on grammar 'Eats, Shoots & Leaves' by Lynne Truss
whose title derives from the above joke, became a runaway best seller
in Britain. A year later it became a best seller in the US. It is a
funny look at bad punctuation. Maybe the first time a book on grammar
has become a best seller. For more info, Google 'eats shoots and
leaves'.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

A trip to Israel

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to
absorb the culture. When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a
great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity.""

Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"

He took his problem to his best friend. "Ike," he said, "I sent my
son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?" "Funny
you should ask," said Ike. "I too, sent my son to Israel, and he also
came home a Christian." Perhaps we should go see the rabbi. So they
did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.

"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi.. "I, too, sent my son to
Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our
young people?"

And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they
finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens:...........

"Funny you should ask," said the voice. "I, too, sent my son to
Israel.............................."

Monday, October 01, 2007

Mental Test

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School
of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can
read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40
years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and
I betcha' you cannot resist passing it on.

Dogs & People

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XXX - Hurricane Shameka:

Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something
else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman reportedly complained
that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She
would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as
Shameka, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. She would also like
the weather reports to be broadcast in language that street people can
understand.

I can hear it now...A weatherman from the Miami Hurricane Center will
be saying......

"Wazzup, Mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like
Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So grab yo'
chirren, yo' Ho, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest guv'ment
office fo yo FREE shit!"

Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Jewish Poker Club

Blivian Highways -awesome !

Egypt anyone?

God save America - note where his hand is ( his heart?)

Reflections - really nice

How Pearls come to market

Friday, October 05, 2007

MAID WANTS A PAY INCREASE

A GAELIC STORY FROM IRELAND

Thursday, October 04, 2007

baby name

Retired

Importance of Walking

Greeting Cards

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

What size dude

Mathematics, Sri Lankan-style

GRAMMAR IN A NUTSHELL

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

A trip to Israel

Monday, October 01, 2007

Mental Test

Dogs & People

XXX - Hurricane Shameka:

XXX - Chickens and the Priest

Guess what

XX - IF YOU ARE A PRUDE

Thank you - You are visitor Number

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