Fwd: Fw: Driving Incident

This morning on the way to work, I looked over to my left and
there was awoman in a brand new Mercedes doing 85 with her face up
next to her rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner.



I looked away for a couple seconds to continue shaving and when I
looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that
makeup.


As a man, I don't scare easily, but she scared me so much I had
to put on my seat belt and dropped my electric shaver which then
knocked the sandwich out of my other hand. In the confusion the
coffee splashed between my legs and burned Big Jim and the twins,
ruined the damned phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an
important call.


Damn women drivers!

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Fwd: Fw: What is Politics?

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes
from the poor and campaign funds from the rich,
by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Am ringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."

I offered my opponents a deal:
"if they stop telling lies about me,
I will stop telling the truth about them".
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..

A politician is a fellow who will lay down
your life for his country.
~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious
a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city,
it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at
the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)

We hang petty thieves and appoint the bigger thieves to public office.
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being
governed by those who are dumber.
~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher

Politicians are the same all over.
They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become PM;
I'm beginning to believe it.
~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.

Politicians are people who,
when they see light at the end of the tunnel,
go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer

What happens if a politician drowns in a river?
It's pollution.
What happens if all of them drown?
It's a solution ....!!!

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Fwd: Politically Incorrect - but funny

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a
turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find
himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had
made it home safely.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after
they tested positive for WD40.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled
LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the
kitchen?

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty
face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your
sense of humor!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex
movie last night, all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for
her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could
spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own
fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or
"foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she
killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw
it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I
got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered
McDonald's serves breakfast until 10:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair
last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I
told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she
screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I
masturbated while thinking about my sister. "That's a disgrace," said
the priest," especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife
look like she's moving during sex.

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Fwd: Wifey/Husband

Avocados

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy
one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. A short time
later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks
him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had
avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men
will get it the first time. My work is done here.

Water in the carburetor...
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?WIFE: "In the pool"

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC , PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME
IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.

The Phone
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for
their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell
phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its
features. Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her
new phone.
The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her
astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.
"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as
a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband. "How did you know I was
at Wal-Mart?" HE MUST PAY...


Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He
fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to
live with you.


Today's Short Reading from the Bible...From Genesis: "And God promised
men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the
earth." Then he made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed
and laughed!

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