For those who haven't heard: New Zealand just passed both laws - gay
marriage and legalized marijuana. The fact that gay marriage and marijuana
were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because
Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be
stoned." We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!
During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should
remember
these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
The Penis, hereby requests a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.
Reply:
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,
the management denies your request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting
other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations,such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed
the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely, The Management
An elderly man on a Moped, pulls up next to a doctor at traffic
lights. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What
kind of car you got there sonny?" The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO,
it can do up to 320 miles an hour," he said proudly. "Mind if I take a
look inside?" "No problem," replies the doctor. So the old man pokes
his head in the window and looks around. Sitting back on his Moped,
the old man says, "Nice car, but I'll stick with my Moped!" Just then
the light changes and doctor floors it to 160mph. Suddenly, he notices
a dot in his rear view mirror getting closer. He slows down and
suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH something flies past him. He speeds up to see
what it is and up ahead of him, he sees the old man. Amazed that the
Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the
Moped at 275mph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror
and sees the old man gaining on him. He takes the Ferrari all the way
up to 320mph. Again, he sees the Moped bearing down on him. The
Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he and do! Suddenly, the
Moped ploughs into the back of his Ferrari. Unbelievably the old man
is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a
doctor.... is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers,
"Unhook my braces from your side view mirror!"
Angry husband is not satisfied with his wife & sends an SMS to his
Mother-in-Law. "Your product is not matching my requirements."
Smart Mother-in-Law replies – "Warranty expired, manufacturer not
responsible after seal is broken."
A lawyer came home after having sex in his car.
Girl forgot her bra and panty in car.
The wife found them, tore them up and shouted: U dirty bastard u have been
screwing your secretary.
Without blinking an eyelid, lawyer shouted back.
Stupid woman..U..have just destroyed the only evidence of a high profile
rape case I have been working on. U can now forget about diamond necklace u
were asking for.
Wife fell on her knees, crying & trying 2 repair d torn pieces & lawyer
walked away with a smile...
Moral: Start studying LAW
Sign on a railway station in Bihar:
Aana free, jaana free,
pakde gaye to khana free.
***********************
Seen at beauty parlour in Bombay:
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your grandmother!
***********************
Seen on a bulletin board:
Success is relative
The more success, The more relatives.
***********************
Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay:
We need your heads to run our business.
***********************
A traffic slogan:
Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough - or else they never
will be
***********************
Sign in a restaurant:
All drinking water in this establishment has been personally passed by the
manager
***********************
The difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
***********************
Alcohol is a perfect solvent:
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
***********************
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
***********************
Archaeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
***********************
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have:
The older she gets, the more interested he becomes in her.
***********************
There are two kinds of people who don't say much:
Those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
***********************
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got
married...
And then it was too late!
***********************
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the 'y' becomes silent.
***********************
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook
them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what
do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
Count every "F" in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.....
(SEE BELOW)
HOW MANY 'F's?
Count them again.
WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke..
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 'F's before you scroll down.
The reasoning behind this is further down.
The brain cannot process "OF".
Incredible or what?
Anyone who counts all 6 'F's on the first go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
·
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles; U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a
rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all
right now.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count
that votes.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies,
'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo shit.
It means someone stole the tent.'
A language professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
negative.
However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up
"Yeah, right."
Ford announced today a new car built specifically for Southern California
freeways.
It's called a stationary wagon.
Weather forecasters' thinking is sometimes clouded.
To become one, you need a lot of degrees.
Forecasters who aren't paid enough may start a storm of protest after some
brain storming.
Arguments about the weather usually blow over.
Today freezing rain was predicted, and sure enough it was an ice day.
A guy bought a skipping rope because his doctor prescribed pills for;
Two days running and then skip a day.
Sam and Max were psychologists, and the best of friends.
Sam's practice was based upon the theories of Sigmund Freud, but Max relied
more upon the theories of Carl Jung.
One wintry night, as they were walking home from the community college where
they had just given a lecture, Sam slipped on the ice and did a swan dive
into the sidewalk.
Dazed, he looked up to see his friend regarding him thoughtfully.
"Well, what is it?" he snapped.
Max extended his hand and said,
"Sorry, but it's just that this is the first time I've actually seen a
Freudian slip."
In a democracy, it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and
says,
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're
sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your
sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone
"lLke hell, they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father,
"You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, do you hear me?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay" he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
Throughout the Bible's Old Testament, not much good is said about adultery.
Turn to the New Testament however, and there we are admonished to "Love our
Neighbor"
Go figure!
A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons.
She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign
on them saying "5 boxes for a dollar."
Well, the woman just could not believe this price.
So, she asks the clerk if it was correct.
He said
"Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."
She said
"That can't be right !"
The clerk says
"Oh yes, it's right! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached."
Marriage is a wonderful institution,
But
Who wants to live in an institution?
The lawyer hopes you get into trouble...
The doctor hopes you fall ill...
The police hopes you become a criminal...
The teacher hopes you are born stupid...
The coffin maker wants you dead...
Only a thief wishes you prosperity in life!!!
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs,
pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"
An older lady named Ida was somewhat lonely since her cat died and she
decided she needed another pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop
she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her
interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she
looked and he winked at her.
He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO . BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.. YOU WON'T EVER
BE SORRY.'
Ida figured, what the heck! She hadn't found
anything else. So she bought the frog. She placed
him in the car, on the front seat beside her.
As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME
AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!
So, Ida figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young,
handsome prince
THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED IDA'S KISS.
SUDDENLY IDA FELT HERSELF
TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW
CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IDA TURNED INTO?
COME ON GUESS!
*
*
*
*
*
SHE TURNED INTO
the first Holiday Inn
SHE COULD FIND!!!
She's old...... NOT DEAD!!!!!
OLD LADIES ROCK
A man walks into a crowded local bar in Darwin, brandishing a revolver,
yelling, "Who's the bastard that's been screwing my wife?"
A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, "You don't have enough ammo
mate!"
