Sunday, August 26, 2012

Broccoli Casserole - Priceless!!!!

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her
eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit
and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father
looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and
said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and
longerrrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A
few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.
This time she didn't even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy,
get away from her, before she
shits on you!'

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Beer Drinker..

I was leaning up against a bar and this little Chinese guy comes
in and stands next to me. After about 5 minutes, I said to him, "Do
you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or
Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why a fluck you ask me dat? It coz I Chinee?"
"No, no" I said. "It's 'cos you're drinking my beer, you
slanty-eyed little bastard!"

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X Car talk..

A daughter asked her dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend
said to me, that I didn't understand.

He said that I have a beautiful chassis, 2 lovely airbags and a fantastic
bumper."

Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and pulls
out his dipstick to check the oil, I will give him such a service, that his
motor will cease and his exhaust will fall off." !!!

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Wednesday, August 15, 2012

You Just Can't Beat These Lawyers

A married lawyer had been having fun in his car with his secretary.

On getting home, his wife saw a pair of panties on the back seat. She tore
it apart, screaming, "What the hell is this? What have you been up to??"
If you were the lawyer, what would your reaction be?
..... beg for forgiveness?
..... honesty is the best policy?
..... (guess before you read on)


He calmly replied, "You have just destroyed the evidence of the rape case
worth a million for me, which I'm handling. You can forget the jewellery you
wanted!"

She quickly fell on her knees apologizing.

No one wins over a Lawyer, even someone called A WIFE.

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Monday, August 13, 2012

Irish fire insurance.

A man and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London.

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Cork , they went to an Insurance agency to see

how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland

to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it
is on

the screen,it says:

*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.*'


I always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.

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Tuesday, August 07, 2012

I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."- (bad 'un)

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years.
First guy asks the second guy,

"How have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy,

"I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey; you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, " Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a
d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t
i..f I s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t
s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he
was almost married.

"W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e
s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e
d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k
a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e
a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d, s..h..e c..o u l d d..o
t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w
t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e.."


"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first
friend.

" W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y,
t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e
l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s
l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s"

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Pastor's Business Card ( A good clean joke)

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it
seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated
knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the
back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card
had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis '
3:10".

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of
laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'
Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I
was naked.'

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?

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Ahmed & Michael

Two Christian missionaries, David and Michael, were lost in a scorching
desert, dying of thirst and hunger when they saw a mosque up front.
David said:
"Michael, let's pretend we are Muslims. Otherwise, we will not get any food
or water and we will die. My name will be Ahmed. What will be your name?"

Michael refused to change his name.

When both of them reached the mosque, the Imam received them well and asked
their names.
David:
"My name is Ahmed."
Michael:
"My name is Michael."

The Imam turned to his helpers and said:
"Please bring food and water for Michael."
Then he turned to David and said:
"Brother Ahmed, Ramadhan Mubarak."

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Saturday, August 04, 2012

Creepy true story...read it at your own risk!!

Read this true story... and let everybody you know in and around Mumbai
especially Borivalli ( 4th 5th 6th block)...


My friend lives in Borivalli (W). One day he went there
to visit his uncle for some days as his parents had to attend a wedding in
Coimbatore. One evening he and some other of my college friends went to
Malad for a movie. He had so much fun that he forgot that it's very late. He
caught the last local bus to Borivalli... he reached Borivalli(5th block)
around midnight...


He had to walk about a mile from the bus stop to home...
As he was walking alone, he could sense that the night felt very creepy as
it was so dark. While walking, he was astonished to see an old creepy
looking guy selling some books.
It was a very unusual thing to see a thing like that...
It got the shivers ! on him when he noticed that his old guy
is unusually pale and staring at him...


The old guy said "Son why don't you get a book...it would keep you company".
Then he did something which he would regret for the rest of his life... My
friend started to act brave & thought why not & had a look at his
collections... My friend's hair started to rise up as he noticed that all
the books were related to supernatural activities...
but he found one that was very interesting. So he asked the old man
"how much is it, uncle?"...
The old guy replied, "Well son... this is an interesting book...it's only
for Rs 250.
My friend was shocked and said "but...but... it's expensive" This time the
old man stared which freaked my friend.
My friend quickly checked all his pockets & found Rs. 200 & said "This is
all I have." The old guy replied "It's OK son...
you can have the book for that price" As my friend was just about to run for
home... the old man called back & said "Son ... whatever happen, you don't
ever flip the book to it's last page... remember these words or you would
regret...!!!"


My friend nodded and never looked back ... Reaching home...he quickly asked
his Uncle whether there was any new old book seller nearby? The Uncle
replied "not that I know of but ...we've heard that there's 1 old man comes
once in a while during full moon nights but heard that there is something
creepy about it...why son?"


My friend freaked out... he told his uncle "nothing uncle...just asking". He
started reading the book with the old man's words on his mind. At night, 12
0'clock, as he went to bed, a gush of wind blew which chilled him up to his
bones. At that glimpse, he noticed the wind had blown the pages to its last
page. He remembered what the old man has said! But we humans tend to have
the tendency to know. Out of curiosity, he flipped to
the last page & fainted...

What he saw at the last page is stated below:


Don't look further down if you have a weak heart I warn you





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Original price:-- Rs. 20/-


Promotion price:-- Rs. 10/-

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