Fwd: Politically Incorrect British Humour

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by
turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole
thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

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The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,
so I did......
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and
low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.

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Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a
spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same
calibre."

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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.
Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.
It's great though. It does everything –
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."

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Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the
question please."

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On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"

Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakistanis, Somalians,
single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking
people" isn't the right answer.
They've sent my form back.

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Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his
wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.

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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex
with me because she can't afford batteries.

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Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the
washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the
12 clothes pegs back..

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XXXX : 2 Fleas

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a Vacation.

Last year when one flea gets to Miami , he's shivering and shaking.

The other flea asks him, " Why are you shaking so badly?"

The first flea says, " I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache

of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying, " That's the worst way to travel. Try

what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar.

Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess.

Crawl up her leg and nestle in where its warm and cozy. Its the best way

to travel that I can think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try

next winter.

A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Miami he is

shivering and shaking again.

The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?" "Yes," says the

first flea, "I did exactly as you said.

I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this

nice young stewardess came in.

I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm
that I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."

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XX : Mousketeer

A mouse was sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe
came in and sat down at the end of the bar…

The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink. Soon he had
moved down beside her and ordered her another drink. After a third
round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.

The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the
barstool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and
broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out.

The bartender took one look and said, 'How did it go last night?'

The mouse said, 'Man, that was the best sex I ever had.'

The bartender asked, 'Why do you look so bad?'

The mouse replied, 'Hey between the kissing and the screwing I must
have run 10 miles!'

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THE POLITE WAY TO CALL SOMEONE A BASTARD

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second
golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the
twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're
about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy
counting his $80.00 he confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring
course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the new Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet
with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation......And, if you want to bring your mother and father along,
I'll marry
them.

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Ad for British Rail!

A few years ago, British Rail had a real fall-off in business. Looking
for marketing answers, they went searching for a new ad agency—one
that could deliver an ad campaign that would bring their customers
back.

When the British Rail executives went to the offices of a prominent
London ad agency to discuss their needs, they were met by a very rude
receptionist, who insisted that they wait.

Finally, an unkempt person led them to a conference room—a dirty,
scruffy room cluttered with plates of stale food. The executives were
again, left to wait. A few agency people drifted in and out of the
room, basically ignoring the executives who grew impatient by the
minute. When the execs tried to ask what was going on, the agency
people brushed them off and went about their work.

Eventually, the execs had enough. As they angrily started to get up,
completely disgusted with the way they'd been treated, one of the
agency people finally showed up.

"Gentlemen," he said, "your treatment here at our Agency is not
typical of how we treat our clients—in fact, we've gone out of our way
to stage this meeting for you. We've behaved this way to point out to
you what it's like to be a customer of British Rail. Your real problem
at British Rail isn't your advertising, it's your people. We suggest
you let us address your employee attitude problem before we attempt to
change your advertising."

The British Rail executives were shocked—but the agency got the
account! The agency had the remarkable conviction to point out the
problem because it knew exactly what needed to change.

As Yogi Berra once said...

"Before we build a better mousetrap,
we need to find out if there are any mice out there."

I really think this is an excellent mail which suggests a way of
assessing the working of government organisations.

Do you agree? With which of the government organisations could start
this kind oc checking?

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Golfing arm.

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the
hospital.

Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.

"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good
news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's
arm.

I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course
when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.

My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've
learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes
in watercolours."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was
such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer.

"Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.

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