Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Fwd: The Aisle, the Altar, the Hymn

Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery:

Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get
married, begin the quest to change their behaviour and life-style once
their vows are exchanged?

Finally, the riddle is solved.

A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation.
When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down
the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir
singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process starts
where the brain absorbs these three stimuli:

Aisle, altar, and hymn.

She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these
perceptions:

Aisle, altar, hymn……Aisle, altar, hymn……Aisle, altar, hymn.

And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is
complete. She looks up at him smiling sweetly and keeps saying to herself:

'I'll alter him!'

HERE ENDETH THE LESSON

Read More...

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Fwd: Fw: Pregnant Jewish Girl...

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she thinks she is
pregnant. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and
buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is in
fact pregnant.


Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you....? I want to know....!" Without answering, the
girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a
Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and
distinguished man with grey hair and wearing a yarmulke steps
out of the car and enters the house.


He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl
and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I
can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll
take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter
for the rest of her life.



"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail
furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami , and a £1,000,000
bank account." "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of
jewellery stores and a £5,000,000 bank account."

"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do.
What do you suggest....?



All silent at this point, the mother, placed a hand firmly on
the man's shoulder and tells him,

+

+

+

+ you will like this

+

+

+

+

+

+

+

+

+

+
+



"So, you'll try again."

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Fwd: Polish Pickle factory

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.
For many years he suffered from an overwhelming desire to put his
penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the
factory psychologist.
After six months, the therapist gave up.
He advised Yossel not to do it and that he would eventually find peace of mind.
The very next day, Yossel decided not to heed the advice, but to give
in to his desire.
He came home from work very early that day.
His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in
the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went
ahead and did it, and was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.
She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts, only to find a normal,
intact penis.
She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Yossel replied, "She got fired, too."

Read More...

Monday, May 19, 2014

Fwd: Fw: Beijing Hotel Brochure! - Excellent

Brilliant Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated as only they can.

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the
hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from
Mandarin to English.


Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the
hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in
passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel,
because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the
entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new
guests.

The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are
always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available
in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to
conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note
that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize
social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At
dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle
with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter,
every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of
outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise,
since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by
pederasts.

Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have
any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage
of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and
underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope.
You will struggle to forget it.

Read More...

Fwd: Good, Better, Best

Three classics from New Zealand just for you!


GOOD
A cop from the NZ Police was watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the
road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD!'
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post in the Manawatu with a fine of $160 included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a NZ Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she said,

'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen's Ball.'
He replied, 'New Zealand Policemen don't have balls.'
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said.

He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.

Read More...

Fwd: International Customs for Apology

Tokyo, Japan

A man accidently tore a girl's short miniskirt in Tokyo. Before he had
a chance to apologize, the girl did a 90 degree bow, and said: "I am
sorry to give you trouble! The quality of my skirt
is not good." Then she took out a pin, put the skirt back together and left.

New York, Time Square
A man accidentally tore a girl's miniskirt. Before he had a chance to
react, the woman pulled out a business card and gave it to him saying
: "This is my lawyer's card. He will contact you
about this sexual harassment. Better you prepare yourself, then we
will see you in court."

Paris, France
A French man accidently tore a girls' miniskirt. Before he opened his
mouth, the young girl said with a smile: "If you do not mind, a red
rose can represent your apology." The French man
bought her a rose, then they went to a bar, and lastly went to a hotel
discussing what was in the miniskirt .

Thames, England
In the Church Square by Thames, an English man accidently tore the
mini skirt of a young lady. Before he could open his mouth, the young
lady covered her torn spot, then said with a
blush on her face: "Do you mind taking me home sir? I live very close
by…" The English man took his jacket off, put it on her shoulders,
called a cab and took her home safely.

China, Chong Qing, China:
A man accidentally cut open the miniskirt of a young lady. Before the
man could say anything, the young lady slapped the guy and shouted.
"You, sex maniac. Dare to take advantage of
me, I will make sure you go to the labor camp…"

Korea - On the street of Yinchong,
A man accidentally tore a girl's miniskirt. Before the man could
speak, the girl gave him a round kick, then said: "Don't you know that
I have a second degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do."

And my vote
Bangkok, Thailand. - A man accidentally tore the miniskirt of an 18
years old girl. Before the man could apologize, the girl said with a
Buddha hand gesture: "No worries honey, ……we are all
men ."

Read More...

Fwd: Life is like a journey on a train...

Life is like a journey on a train...

with its stations...

with changes of routes...

and with accidents!



At birth we boarded the train and met our parents,

and we believe they will always travel on our side.



However, at some station

our parents will step down from the train, leaving us on this journey alone.



As time goes by, other people will board the train;

and they will be significant i.e. our siblings, friends, children, and
even the love of our life.



Many will step down and leave a permanent vacuum.

Others will go so unnoticed that we don't realise that they vacated their seats!



This train ride will be full of joy, sorrow, fantasy, expectations,

hellos, good-byes, and farewells.



Success consists of having a good relationship with all passengers...

requiring that we give the best of ourselves.



The mystery to everyone is:

We do not know at which station we ourselves will step down.



So, we must live in the best way - forgive, and offer the best of who we are.



It is important to do this because when the

time comes for us to step down and leave our seat empty...

we should leave behind beautiful memories

for those who will continue to travel on the train of life.



Thank you for being one of the passengers on my train!



Have a very pleasant journey of life.........!

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Fwd: Sardarji oh Sardarji !!

Three Sardarjis went for a tour to Singapore.
They searched for rooms everywhere and finally got one which is in the
topmost floor of a 100 floor hotel.
After taking rest they started for a local visit.
While leaving the hotel, the manager informed them that they should
reach the hotel before10.00pm or else lift will not be available and
they have to take the steps for which they agreed and went out.
After all the entertainment in the city, they reached back late at 10.30.
Since lift was not available, they decided to take the stairways under
the condition that each sardarji has to tell a story that lasts for 33
floors so that they can reach the 100th floor without much trouble.
After first sardarji finished his story in 33rd floor, the third sardarji said,
"I have a sad story to say, but i will tell at the end only".
Then second sardarji finished his story and the third finished his
story and finally they reached the 100th floor.
Then first sardarji asked what was the sad story.
The third one said,
"I forgot the room key which is on the manager's table".
They once again started back to the first floor and this time the
second sardarji after crossing 33 floors from top said,
" I got a sad story, but I will also say that at the end".
They finally reached the first floor and when asked about the sad
story, the second sardarji said,
" The keys were in my pocket only".
With anger and full tired, they once again start from the first floor.
After reaching the 33rd floor, the third sardarji said,
" I too have a sad story, but I will say at the end only".
Then they reached the 100th floor and the second one asked the third
sardarji about the sad story, he replied:

"This is not our hotel, It is on the other side of road, opposite to this...!!!"

Read More...

Fwd: ... Quotes Of The Day ...

Why did God make man before he made woman? Because he didn't want any
advice on how to do it. - Anonymous

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. -
E. Joseph Cossman

She's too young for Medicare and too old for me to care. - Anonymous

Gray hair is God's graffiti. - Bill Cosby

I lived in Miami for a while, in a section with a lot of really old
people. The average age in my apartment house was dead. - Gabe Kaplan

Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris. - T. G. Appleton

We had a very successful trip to Russia we got back. - Bob Hope

Enjoy life. Think of all the women who passed up dessert on the
Titanic. - Anonymous

Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another
drink. - Anonymous

I know lots more old drunks than old doctors. - Joe E. Lewis

Read More...

Fwd: Hilarious Scientific Facts..???

A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays,
etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior
high, high school, and college students.
As she noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young
scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead
of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes
them perspire"

"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out
and the outsides have ben taken off.
The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids,
two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon.
All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the
moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal.
The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in
your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

Read More...

Friday, May 09, 2014

Fwd: Fw: Scotch with Two drops of water.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two
drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'
The bartender says,

'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.

In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,

'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says,

'Thank you.

Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,

'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says,

'Thank you.

Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says,

'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.

Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies,

'Sonny, when you're my age you've learned how to hold your liquor.

Holding your water, 'however, Is another issue.'

Read More...

Fwd: Beautiful Sentences

Every Artist gives his own name to his work.
But there is no artist like a "MOTHER",
who gives birth to a child,
But gives Father's name !!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Life is in Constant Conflict Between Love Ego.
Love Always Wants To Say Sorry
Ego Always Wants To Hear It.!
-------------------------------------------------------
Someone asked Life:
Why are you so difficult...????!!!
Life Smiled and said "You people never appreciate easy things"...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Forgive others,
not because they deserve forgiveness,
but because you deserve Peace...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Unbelievable fact --
Our body is full of water but wherever it hurts, blood comes out
Our heart is full of Blood but whenever it hurts, TEARS come out.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you have a "Magnetic" personality and
yet people don't get attracted to you - it's not your fault.
They have "Iron" deficiency in their bodies.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
*Coolest. . . . . .*
*"if we sleep on flowers, it's called our first night"*
*"if flowers sleep on us, it's called our last night"*
*Reality of life....*
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pearl of the Day:
"If You want to feel Rich,
Just Count All The Things You have, That Money cannot Buy."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect
people,
but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of
others
and can admire the other person's good qualities !!!

Read More...