Oh God

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. They step up to a par 3.
Jesus is up first. He drives the ball short, into the water trap in
front of the green. So Jesus, being Jesus, walks on the water, chips
the ball onto the green and putts for par.
Moses is next. He drives the ball into the same water trap. So Moses,
being Moses, parts the water, chips the ball onto the green, and putts
for par.
The old man is up. He drives the ball and it's heading for the water
trap. Before the ball lands in the water, a fish jumps out and catches
the ball in its mouth. Before the fish lands back in the water, a bird
swoops down, snags the fish, and begins to fly away. As it's circling
over the green, a bolt of lighting strikes the bird, causing it to
drop the fish onto the green. The ball pops out of the fish's mouth,
and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling
around we're not gonna bring you next time.""

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Old Friends Get Together

A group of chaps, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View
Restaurant because the waitresses

there were gorgeous, with tight skirts, perky breasts and nice bums.



Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the food and

service was good and the wine selection was excellent.



Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they
should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View
Restaurant because they could dine

in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.



Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View
Restaurant because the restaurant

was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.



10 years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant,

because they had never been there before and heard it was quite
good !!!!!!!!!!

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BP

Kamasutra says:

If you suck one nipple,the woman herself offers the other one. And
that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!

Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a
"B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini , Boobs & lower body with a "P". Petticoat,
pants, panties, pussy....

No wonder why men suffer from high BP!

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My friend

My nookie days are over,

My pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal,

Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,

From my trousers it would spring.

But now I've got a full time job,

To find the f***in' thing.

It used to be embarrassing,

The way it would behave.

For every single morning,

It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,

It sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its little head,

And watch me tie my shoes!!

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Hope this put a smile on your face

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
Talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the
Contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was:

A four-year-old child, whose next door
neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his
wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
Gentleman's' yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked him what he had
said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just
Helped him cry.'

*********************************************

Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were
discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture
had a different hair color than the other members. One of her
students suggested that he was adopted..
A little girl said, 'I know all about
Adoption, I was adopted..'

'What does it mean to be adopted?', asked
another child.

'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew
in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'

*********************************************

On my way home one day, I stopped to
watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a
park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-
base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was
'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered
With a smile.

'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you
don't look very discouraged.'

'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a
Puzzled look on his face...

'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't
Been up to bat yet.'

*********************************************

Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot
in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.

Jamie was trying out for a part in the
school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being
in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.

On the day the parts were awarded, I went
with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her,
eyes shining with pride and excitement.. 'Guess what, Mom,' he
shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to
me....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'

*********************************************

An eye witness account from New York
City , on a cold day in December,
some years ago: A little boy,
about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the
roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering
With cold.

A lady approached the young boy and said,
'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'

'I was asking God to give me a pair of
shoes,'was the boy's reply.

The lady took him by the hand, went into
the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks
for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water
and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.

She took the little fellow to the back
part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed
his little feet, and dried them with the towel...

By this time, the clerk had returned with
the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him
a pair of shoes..

She tied up the remaining pairs of socks
and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, 'No
doubt, you will be more comfortable now.'

As she turned to go, the astonished kid
caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears
in his eyes, asked her.

'Are you God's wife?'

*********************************************

SEND TO ALL WHO LOVE AND CARE FOR CHILDREN.
Hope this put a smile on your face it

Sure did mine!

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The Baptist White Lie Cake

Have you ever told a white lie?

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group
in Tuscaloosa,
but forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging
through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while
drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and
the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed,
"Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!"

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to
build up the center of the cake.
She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet Paper. She plunked it
in and then covered it with icing.

Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head
for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific
instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and
to buy the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive,
perfect cake had already been sold!

Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know! What
would they think? She would be ostracized,talked about, ridiculed!

All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her
And talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about
the cake, and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the
home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time.

She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who
more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a
single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but
having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to
stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old
south, and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for
dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!
She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but
before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a
beautiful cake!"

Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess
(who was a prominent church member) say,

"Thank you, I baked it myself."


Alice smiled and thought
to herself,


"God is good."

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While on a road trip

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped
At a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the
Restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
Left her glasses on the table, and she didn't
Miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they
Had to travel quite a distance before
They could find a place to turn
Around,
In order to return to the restaurant
To retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband
Became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and
Scolded
His wife relentlessly during the
Entire return drive. The more he
Chided her,
The more agitated he became. He
Just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the
Car, and hurried inside to retrieve
Her glasses, the old
Geezer yelled to her,
While you're in there, you might as well
Get my hat and the credit card.

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Confession of a hooker

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their 20th
wedding anniversary when the wife says,
'Darling, as this is such a special occasion I think that it is time I
made a confession...... Before we were married I was a hooker for
eight years..'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says,
'My love, you have been a perfect wife for 20 years and I cannot hold
your past against you.. So may be you could show me a few tricks of
the trade so as to spice up our sex life a bit..?'

She said,
'Darling I don't think you understood me correctly, my name was Robin
and I played rugby for Ireland.

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Fifty Shades....

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations,
you laid on my naked body.


You sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me
without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while
you drained me. Finally, I drifted off to sleep.


Today when I awoke, you were gone. I searched for you but to no
avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.


My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making
it all the more difficult to forget you. Tonight, I will remain awake,
waiting for you........




Damn Mosquito

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Breakfast special.................

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to
ask her students what they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their
answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.

'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.

'Excellent.'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.

'I had fuck all', he says, ' F-U-C-K-A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some
rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada . Peter is able to tell her
which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the
nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in
bed with my mother.

That's why I got fuck all for breakfast'.

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Little Johnny : 2+2+2=7...

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how
many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2
cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples,
and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and
another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a fuckin' cat!!!

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GLASS OF WINE

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine
and those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand:

As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed
more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or rum, whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process
of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of Shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service

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New Senior's Exam, need 4 out of 10 to pass.

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What colour is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?



Remember, you need only 04 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below ....











ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
Remember, you need only 04 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below ....




1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8 ) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of
course)


What do you mean, you failed?

Me, too!

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)

Pass this on to your brilliant friends.

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Spanish Computer

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'


Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer'
should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four
reasons for its recommendation.



The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine
gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.





(THIS GETS BETTER!)


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, But half the time they ARE
the problem; and


4. As soon as you
Commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could
have gotten a better model.


The women won.

Send this to all the smart women you know
...and all the men that have a sense of humour.

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EATING IN THE UK IN THE 50's ?

For those of you who are old enough to remember, enjoy.

For the rest - it's a history lesson!

Very surprising how time and memory has taken its toll.

Have things really changed this much in our time?



EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES



Pasta had not been invented.



Curry was a surname.



A takeaway was a mathematical problem.



A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.



Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.



All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt
on or not.



A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.



Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.



A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.



Brown bread was something only poor people ate.



Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking



Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.



Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.



Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.



Only Heinz made beans.



Fish didn't have fingers in those days.



Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.



None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.



Healthy food consisted of anything edible.



People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.



Indian restaurants were only found in India.



Cooking outside was called camping.



Seaweed was not a recognised food.



"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.



Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white
gold.



Prunes were medicinal.



Surprisingly muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.



Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a
real one.



Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and

charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.



The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .. was
elbows

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A Marine Story

During a commercial airline flight an old experienced Marine was seated
next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying
during the
descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly
as possible.

The Marine pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he
gallantly offered his
assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the Marine responded,
"Gosh, that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said
that the time
spent on the breast would help alleviate pressure in the baby's ears. The Marine
sadly shook his head, and in true Marine fashion exclaimed
"And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

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A Great Lesson on Stress

A young lady confidently walked around the room with a raised

glass of water while leading a seminar and explaining stress manage-ment to
her audience. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question,
'Half empty or half full?' She fooled them all.

"How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile.

Answers called out ranged from 8oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on

how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.

If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.



If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case

it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."



She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our
burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly
heavy, we won't be able to carry on."



"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest
before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the
burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced.



So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down.

Don't carry them through the evening and into the night. Pick them

up again tomorrow if you must.



1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days

you're the statue!



2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to

eat them.



3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the

middle of it.



4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their

Maker.



5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.



6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was

probably worth it.



7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a

warning to others.



8. Forget 8 it was not very good..



9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then

you won't have a leg to stand on.



10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.



11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.



12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.(think about it).



13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.



14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you

live.



16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.



17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are

pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are

different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.



18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on

a detour.



19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought

about you today.



AND MOST IMPORTANTLY



20 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!*







Be the kind of person that when your feet hit the floor each morning the
devil says ~~

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Fwd: You gotta love Harold..

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a
difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are
boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have
found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us
wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:


This is a quote from Harold:

"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'

Well... I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and
one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey
into urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do
it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold is an inspiration to us all!!!

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