Thursday, August 25, 2011

Dilemma or death

 Nurses working in a morgue discover a Dead Man with a hard on.

The 1st Nurse says 'I cant let that go to waste'... & rides him.

The 2nd Nurse does the same.

The 3rd Nurse hesitates & explains she is on her period... but does him anyway.

Then suddenly the dead man sits up & the Nurses apologize saying they
thought he was dead.!!

The Man replies "I was, but after two jump starts & a blood
transfusion I feel great..!!"

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Aggressive & Hostile or ....

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The
driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward
the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the
Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The
motorist instantly goes  on a tirade, questioning the officer's
ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive
terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the
lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then
hands it to the 'violator' for his signature The guy signs the ticket
angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH"  and
demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says,  "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that
you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving
record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer
to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his
signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this
ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an
"AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."

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Thursday, August 18, 2011

The New Alphabet!

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
that used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
but let's be a bit more realistic instead.


Now The Alphabet:

A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C's the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?


D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas which I'd rather
not mention.


H high blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I for incisions with scars
you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack
when they bend.
L 's for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget what
comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!


P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll
be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.


S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; bells
in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow; V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.


W for worry, now what's going 'round? X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind, Z is for zest I still have--
in my mind!


I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
and I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!


HAVE A GREAT DAY !

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Monday, August 15, 2011

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're
down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers
to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . .. .Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . .. .Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . ..Not piddling in your pants.

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GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

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GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No  matter how hard you try, you can't baptize  cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad,  don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your  sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always  catch
the second person.
4)  Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a  tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your  food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting  your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a  cat at the same time.
8)  You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of  milk.
9)  Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white  shorts.
10) The best  place to be when you're sad is Grandma's  lap.

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Thursday, August 11, 2011

Olympics in London

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London. A Scotsman, an Englishman
and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and
walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland" he says, "Discus" and in he
walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his
shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England" he says, "Pole vault" and in he
walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks
it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland" he says, "Fencing."

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Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Learning Golf...

To all those wishing to learn golf...

My wife told me it was about time that I learned to play golf.  It's a
game where you chase a little ball all over the country when you are
too old to chase women...

So, I went to see Mr. Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play.

He said, "Sure, you've got balls don't you?"

"Yes, but on cold mornings they are hard to find."

"Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow and we will tee off."

"What's tee off?"

"It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse."

"Not for me," I said.  "You can tee off in front of the clubhouse, but

I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere."

"No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger."

"Yeah, I've got one of those."

"Well, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it."

"You play golf sitting down?  I always thought you stood up and walked around."

"You do, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."

Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I said so.

He said, "You've got a bag haven't you?"

"Sure."

"Your balls are in it, aren't they?"

"Of course," I told him.

"Well, can't you open your bag and take one out?"

"I suppose I could, but I'll be damned if I am going to."

"Don't you have a zipper on your bag?"

"No, I am the old-fashioned type."

"Do you know how to hold your club?"

Well, after 65 years, I should have some sort of an idea and I told him so.

He said, "You take your club in both hands..."

I knew right then he didn't know what he was talking about.

Then he said, "Swing it over your shoulder..."

That's not me at all.  That's my brother he's talking about.

He asked, "How do you hold your club?"

Before I thought about it, I said, "With two fingers."

He said that wasn't right.

He got behind me, put two arms around me, and said for me to bend over
and he would show me.

Well, he couldn't catch me there.  I didn't spend four years in the
Navy for nothing.

He said, "You hit the ball with your club and it soars and soars..."

I could well imagine that.

"...And when you're on the green&"

"What's the green?"

"That's where the hole is."

"Sure you're not colour blind?"

"Then you take your putter in your hands..."

"What's a putter?"

"That's the smallest club made."

"That's what I got, a putter."

"And with it, you put your ball into the hole."

I corrected him, "You mean the putter."

"No, the ball.  The hole isn't big enough for the ball and putter too."

Well, I've seen some big enough for a horse and wagon.

"Then," he said, "after you finish with the first hole, you go on to
the next 17."

Well, he certainly wasn't talking about me.  After two holes I'm shot to hell.

"You mean you can't make 18 holes in one day?"

"Hell no!  It takes me 18 days to make one hole!

"Besides, how do I know when I am in the 18th hole ?"

"The flag will go up!"

...Well, golfing is not for me

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FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes on the floor with the paw prints are
yours and contain your food The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not mean that
it is suddenly your food, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing
me to the top of the stairs is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when
they sleep. It Is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other,
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the
other end to maximize space that you are taking up, is nothing but
sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by
some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your
paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through
the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for
years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, AND THEN go smell the
other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.


Finally, in fairness to you, dear pets, I have posted the following
message on the front door:

                                                        TO ALL NON-PET
OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:


                       (1) They live here. You don't.

(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters
who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

(1) eat less,

(2) don't ask for money all the time,

(3) are easier to train,

(4) normally come when called,

(5) never ask to drive the car,

(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;

(7) don't smoke or drink,

(8) don't want to wear your clothes,

(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,

(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and

(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children..

 

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