Fwd: Fw: The Great (funny) Albert Einstein Stories...!!

Einstein said, "What I admire most about your art, is its
universality. You do not say a word, and yet ... the world understands
you."
" It's true," replied Charlie Chaplin, "But your fame is even greater:
The world admires you, when nobody understands you."


Charlie Chaplin with Albert Einstein.


The Great Albert Einstein Stories

(1) One day during a speaking tour, Albert Einstein's driver,
who often sat at the back of the hall during his lectures, remarked
that he could probably give the lecture himself, having heard it so
many times. Sure enough, at the next stop on the tour, Einstein and
the driver switched places, with Einstein sitting at the back in his
driver's uniform. Having delivered a flawless lecture, the driver was
asked a difficult question by a member of the audience. "Well, the
answer to that question is quite simple," he casually replied. "I bet
my driver, sitting up at the back there, could answer it!"


(2) Albert Einstein's wife often suggested that he dress more
professionally when he headed off to work. "Why should I?" he would
invariably argue. "Everyone knows me there." When the time came for
Einstein to attend his first major conference, she begged him to dress
up a bit. "Why should I?" said Einstein. "No one knows me there!"



(3) Albert Einstein was often asked to explain the general theory
of relativity. "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it
seems like an hour," he once declared. "Sit with a pretty girl for an
hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity!"



(4) When Albert Einstein was working in Princeton university, one
day he was going back home he forgot his home address. The driver of
the cab did not recognize him. Einstein asked the driver if he knows
Einstein's home. The driver said "Who does not know Einstein's
address? Everyone in Princeton knows.Do you want to meet him?.
Einstein replied "I am Einstein. I forgot my home address, can you
take me there? "The driver reached him to his home and did not even
collect his fare from him.


(5) Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when
the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every
passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest
pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser
pockets. It wasn't there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn't
find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find
it.

The conductor said, 'Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who
you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it.' Einstein
nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching
tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and
saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his
seat for his ticket.

The conductor rushed back and said, 'Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't
worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm
sure you bought one.' Einstein looked at him and said, 'Young man, I
too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going.'

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Fwd: Whiskey !!

Enjoy some whiskey triviaWhisky Trivia - Interesting!

🔺The world's most expensive bottle of Scotch whisky is Isabella's
Islay ($6.2 million).

🔺The oldest Scotch whisky on the market is the Aisla T'Orten 107
years old, distilled in 1906. It costs $ 1.43 million

🔺Glenfiddich is the world's best-selling single malt

🔺Johnnie Walker Red Label is the world's best-selling Scotch

🔺The Famous Grouse is the best-selling whisky in Scotland

🔺Glenmorangie is the best-selling single malt in Scotland.

🔺The world's fastest growing Scotch today is Black Dog. India is a
major contributor to its sales.

🔺The five most popular single malts globally are Glenfiddich, The
Glenlivet, Glenmorangie Original, Aberlour and Laphroaig

🔺Bruichladdich's The Octomore is the most heavily peated whisky in
the world (167ppm)

🔺The three oldest single malts currently sold are Glenturret, Oban
and Glenlivet

🔺The oldest distillery in Scotland is Glenturret (1775), followed by
Bowmore (1779)

🔺With each bottle of Laphroaig that you buy, you are entitled to a
lifetime lease of one sq foot of the distillery's land, along with a
personalized certificate of ownership

🔺Cadenhead's Whisky Shop on Canongate, has a unique selling point:
customers can have a bottle poured straight from a cask and labeled
with their name. When sealed it has a label with the 'born on date',
as whisky stops aging as soon as it leaves the wooden barrel, so each
bottle is a unique blend.

🔺The highest price paid at an auction for a bottle of Scotch was
$631,850 for a 6-liter The Macallan "M" single malt, in a decanter by
Lalique. (The highest price paid at an auction for a standard sized
Scotch was $460,000 for a 64-year-old Macallan malt whisky)

🔺Edradour is the smallest distillery in Scotland. The entire
operation is run by just three people

🔺The Glenmorangie distillery is one of the smallest in the Highlands
and employs just sixteen craftsmen, called 'The Sixteen Men of Tain'

🔺The most expensive country in which to buy Scotch, ironically, is
the UK, where it is made

🔺In the UK, its home country, the five most popular blended Scotch
whiskies are The Famous Grouse, William Grant's, Bell's, Teacher's and
J&B Rare. Note: Johnnie Walker does not feature in the list of
best-selling blends in its home country.

🔺A closed bottle of Scotch can be kept for 100 years and still be
good to drink. After opening, a bottle of Scotch whisky will remain
good for five years.

🔺The Australian Wine Research Institute has introduced a measure
called a standard drink. In Australia, a standard drink contains 10 g
(12.67 ml) of alcohol, the amount that an average adult male can
metabolize in one hour.

🔺Although their proof differs, standard drinks of beer, wine and
spirits contain the same amount of alcohol – 0.6 ounces each. They're
all the same to a breathalyzer.

🔺18,000 litres of Scotch whisky worth over $800,000 were accidentally
flushed down the drain at Chivas Brothers' Dumbarton bottling plant in
2013.

🔺Experts advise you to drink single malt with just a dash of water.
The water supposedly 'releases the serpent' from the whisky

🔺If there is a serpent, there is also an angel. As it ages, 2-2.5 %
of the whisky maturing in a barrel is lost to evaporation every year.
Distillers refer to this as the 'angel's share'.

🔺There is also a devil. The whisky absorbed by the wood of barrel
during maturation is known as the 'devil's cut'

🔺Some sources claim that the Irish whiskey distillers brought the
Irish custom of triple distillation with them to Scotland.
Auchentoshan was probably started by Irish settlers, led by the
MacBeathas, starting this custom. The source of the name Auchentoshan
is Gaelic. It means 'corner of the field'.

🔺The United States and Ireland spell it as 'whiskey'. A simple way to
remember the spelling: if it comes from a country without an 'e' in
its spelling, then it is spelt 'whisky'. (e.g., Scotland, Canada,
Japan, India, etc.)

🔺Indian 'whisky' is technically flavoured rum, because it's
essentially made from sugar

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Fwd: Laughs

This is a conversation that took place between an office girl and a
marketing guy from a leading multinational company.

Marketing guy: Which soap do you use?
Girl: Hema's

Marketing guy: Which hand wash do you use?
Girl: Hema's

Marketing guy: Which deodorant do you use?
Girl: Hema's

Marketing guy: Which toothpaste do you use?
Girl: Hema's

Marketing guy: Which shampoo do you use?
Girl: Hema's

Marketing guy: Which washing powder do you use?
Girl: Hema's

Marketing guy: Okay, okay, tell me, what is this Hema's? Is it an
international company???
Girl: No, she is my roommate!!


SWOT Analysis

A married man was asked to perform his SWOT (Strengths, Weaknesses,
Opportunities and Threats) Analysis.
He said,


Strength: my wife.


Weakness : my neighbour's wife.


Opportunity : when my neighbour goes out.


Threat : when my neighbour comes back unexpectedly.

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Fwd: Telephone problems

Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few
occasions,
when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set,
and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the
telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel
chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the
number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and
moaning.

Just thought you'd like to know.

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Fwd: Hard Facts .... ! !

Hard Facts..!!

(1) Put your wife in a room & lock it.
Put your dog in another room & lock it !!!
Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours & see who is HAPPY to see you,
and who will BITE you !
(Group members are advised not to try this at home as these stunts
were performed by professionals; who are now divorced; and living
happily with their dog!!)

Don't laugh loud !
The extended version says ...

2) Put your husband in a room & lock it.
Put your dog in another room & lock it !!!
Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours & you will be happy to see your
dog waiting for you..
But you'll be angry looking at your husband sleeping like he never
slept before !!!


3) Always keep your spouse's picture as mobile screen saver.
Whenever you face a problem, see the picture & say:
"if I can handle this, I can handle anything!"…
Superb Attitude for Life!!


(4) If wife wants husband's attention, she just has to look sad & uncomfortable.
If husband wants wife's attention, he just has to look comfortable
& happy.

(5) A Philosopher HUSBAND said:-
"Every WIFE is a 'Mistress' of her Husband…
"Miss" for first year & "Stress" for rest of the life…"!!!!


(6) Million Dollar Truth:
If Saturday and Sunday doesn't excite you, then change your Friends.
If Monday doesn't motivate you, then change your profession.
If Monday is too exciting, and you are dying to get to work, then
you should change your spouse!!

(7) Do you remember the tingling feeling when you took the decision to
get married?
That was common sense leaving your body.

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Fwd: Checking whether you still have your marbles intact! has been around though!

Something for seniors to do to keep those "aging" grey cells active!


1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named
April. The second child was named May.
.....What was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches
tall and he wears size 13 sneakers
......What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,
...what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole
.....that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English language
.....is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.
......How is this possible?

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.
.....Why not?

8. What was the President's name
...in 1975?

9. If you were running a race,
.....and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,
... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,
......how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?




Here are the Answers

1. Johnny 's mother had three children.. The first child was named
April The second child was named May. What was the third child 's
name?

Answer: Johnny of course

2.. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches
tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat.

3.. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain
in the world?
Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very
good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three
feet by four feet?
Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?
Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the
summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden
leg. Why not?
Answer: You can 't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera
to take pictures.

8. What was the President 's name in 1975?
Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ... ]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place,
what place would you be in now?
Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second
place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The
yolk of the egg is white"?
Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh!]

11.. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the
other field, how many

haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Impossibilities in the world

1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.




Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

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Fwd: Kennedy and Khrushchev....................

Kennedy and Khrushchev....................

Henry Kissinger once asked Chou En-Lai to theorize on what might have
happened if Nikita Khrushchev had been assassinated instead of John
F.Kennedy.


After a moment's thought, Chou En-Lai answered:
"I don't believe Mr. Onassis would have married Mrs. Khrushchev."

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Fwd: Fw: Australian Love Poem...

Australian Love Poem...
Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it's very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket's on
And fetch me another beer

Brings a lump to your throat & a tear to your eye, doesn't it!

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Fwd: A lot of bull

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial
trouble..


In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and
haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and
decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it
for $599, no less.


After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our
ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here
so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it
will cost 99 cents a word.


Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll
only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the
word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here
to haul that bull back
to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'

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