Ron Chestna, a writer and a poet, was stopped by the police around 2
a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night?
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to listen to a lecture about alcohol abuse
and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking cheap
cigars and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really?
Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."
Brilliant musings of some well-known people ...
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not using it in a
fruit salad.
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you
should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not
pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed,
but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that
statement..
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if
you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she
stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more
pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its
way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else
starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
May your troubles be less,
May your blessings be more,
And
May nothing
But
Happiness come through your door.
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others.
When I was young I decided to go to Medical School.
At the entrance exam we were asked to re arrange
the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important
human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered 'spine' are doctors
today while the rest of us are sending
jokes via email.
If there was a shred of doubt the world is totally insane, this will remove
it.
This says it all...
Pythagoras' Theorem: ..............................24 words.
Lord's Prayer: .................................................. 66 words.
Archemedes' Principle: ..................................67 words.
Ten Commandments: ............................................179 words.
Gettysburg Address:
........................................................286 words.
US Declaration of Independence : .................................1,300
words.
US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: ...............................7,818
words.
EU Regulations on the Sale of CABBAGES: ...................26,911 words
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD:
1) You can't count your hair.
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.
TEN (10) THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU:
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it
too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot
category.
Have a great Day!
Laugh, and then Laugh and Sing... It's a Beautiful Morning even when it's
not.
"Do not regret growing older.
It is a privilege denied to many."
