Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Fwd: WE LOVE CHILDREN

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT?!? the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know, "explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me
tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.

All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she
sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on
microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I
can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone elseyour
friends and others. Also unless all parties know each other include
all email addresses in bcc so that they are not disclosed and
inadvertently forwarded by others.

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Fwd: Udurawana Jokes.just to keep in touch

Prince Charles & Udurawana were having dinner.

Prince said, "Pass the wine you divine".
Udurawana thinks "how poetic"
and says, "pass the custard you bastard".
*******
Udurawana at a bar in New York.
Man on his right says "Johny Walker single"
Man on his left says "Peter Scotch single"
Udurawana says - "Ranjit Udurawana Married"
*******
Boss : I am giving u a job as a driver. STARTING salary Rs.2000/-, is it o.k
Udurawana : U R great sir! Starting salary is ok.......but??
how much is DRIVING salary...?
*******
Udurawana's theory : Moon is more imptant than Sun, coz it gives light
at night when light is needed
& Sun gives light during the day when light is not needed!!!
*******
Udurawana shouting 2 his girl friend " u said v will do register
marriage and cheated me, I was waiting 4 u yesterday whole day in the
post office....
*******
Udurawana is in a dissection class of cockroach. He cuts its 1 leg,
and says, "walk", it walks.
He cuts 2nd and 3rd legs and said, "walk" and it walks.
He cuts all the legs and said, "walk...." Finally he wrote the conclusion......
.... "after all the legs of a cockroach are cut - it becomes deaf......"
*******
Udurawana was looking at Egyptian mummy with one of his friends.
Udurawana : Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.
Friend : Aaho, lorry number is also written...BC 1760!!!....
*******
Udurawana in an interview 4 a post of a detective.
Interviewer : who killed SWRD?
Udurawana : Thank u sir 4 giving me a job, I will start investigating.......
*******
Udurawana for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the
exam the essay which came was not 'FRIEND' but 'FATHER' .
He replaced 'friend' with' father' in the essay and it read: AM A VERY
FATHERLY PERSON, I HAVE LOTS OF FATHERS.SOME OF MY FATHERS ARE MALE
AND SOME ARE FEMALE. MY TRUE FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOUR.
*******
Interviewer: whats ur qualification?
Udurawana : Sir I am Ph.d.
Interviewar : what do u mean by Ph.d?
Udurawana : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY....

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