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Sunday, November 25, 2012

Everything is relative-Einstein

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives
off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow
swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your
Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the
Monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He
ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The
Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it
up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled
it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your
monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt,
pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue
ball, he measures everything first."

Irish Road Accident

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

More heavy breathing and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'

If my body was a car

If my body was a car,
this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and
my paint job is getting a little dull...
But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus
And it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it,
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,
Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires

Friday, November 16, 2012

XXXXXXX The French vs The English

During an international gynaecology conference, an English and a French
gynaecologist are discussing various cases they've recently treated.

French Gynaecologist : "Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me,
and 'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon."

English Gynaecologist : "Don't be silly, it couldn't have been that big, my
good man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if it was."

French Gynaecologist : "Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again, always
talkeeng about ze size............... I was talkeeng about ze flavour..."

XXX ADULT PUNS!

A shiftless young fellow of Kent
Had his wife screw the landlord for rent.
But as she grew older,
The landlord grew colder,
And now they live out in a tent.

"How did your evening with your new boyfriend go?"
"It was a disaster. We were nude in bed in heavy foreplay and he had a
premature ejaculation."
"What did he say when it occurred?"
"He just said I was the loveliest girl he had ever come across."

He said,
"Want a quickie?"
She said,
"As opposed to what?"

A friend of mine spreads some light on the vegan swallowing mystery...
Actually, the question of whether or not it is okay for a vegetarian or
vegan to give BJs, and if so, if it was all right to swallow, the general
consensus is:
1. It is perfectly all right to give BJs because no animal is harmed in the
process.
2. It is okay to ingest sperm because it is not an animal.
3. Also, sperm is a good source of protein, something that is often lacking
when meat is removed from the diet.
You're still my favourite lap dance,
Can you guys imagine dating one of these gals?
I can see it in my mind's eye;
Your vegan girl comes home from work all worn out, craving your meat.
She looks at you and says,
"I need to blow you. I haven't had enough protein today. I'm dizzy and weak
and only a protein vanilla slurpee will do." Damn.
A breed of women who not only like performing oral sex, but consider it
nourishment.
I gotta get me a vegan.

A cop pulls over a blond and walks up to the car and unzips his pants.
The blond says,
"Oh no, not another breath test."

I'm not saying she's easy
But
she's had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.

There's nothing better than waking up to your girlfriend giving you a blow
job.
Unless, maybe, it was your wife giving you the blow job.
Or maybe your wife watching her girlfriend give you a blow job.
Better yet, your wife and her girlfriend and your girlfriend all fighting
over who gets to give you a blow job and they all decide to tag team on the
blow job.

What do women and condoms have in common?
They spend more time in your wallet, then on your dick.

A slightly overweight woman was opening up to the group at her weight
watchers meeting.
"My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a
woman with a trim figure."
"Well," the group leader assured her, "Whatever helps you reach your goal!"
"You don't understand," the woman said. "He does it while I'm stuck at these
damn meetings."

Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot.

Leroy's Special needs.....

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed
over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher
asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray for?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his
other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed.

He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined
in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and
asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week.

LAWYERS !

A lawyer defending a man in New York accused of burglary tried this
creative defence: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window
and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to
see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his
limb."

"Well put," the judge replied.

"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to 5 year's imprisonment.
He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on
the bench, and walked out. ...

Don't mess with Lawyers.....manipulation is their game !!

XX ADULT PUNS!

Crime of passion is a phrase that drives me crazy.
A man murdering his girlfriend is not a crime of passion.
Premature ejaculation - that's a crime of passion.

A woman went to the doctor asking for bigger breasts.
The doctor gave her the choice of either having an implant or wearing a
special bra that inflates when you flap your arms up and down.
The woman chose the bra.
The next day she went to a bar to try out her new bra.
She saw an attractive man sitting alone at the bar.
Flapping her arms, she strolled over to flirt with the man, who had started
flapping his legs.
"I see we have the same doctor," he said.

Did you hear about the new deodorant called Umpire?
It's for foul balls.

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about
their love lives.
One woman said,
"I call my husband 'the dentist'. Nobody can drill like he does!"
The second woman giggled and confessed,
"I call my husband 'the miner' because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked,
"Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said,
"The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always comes late, and half the time puts it's in the wrong
box."

The wife comes home to her husband after having been to the doctor.
"How did you get on at the doctors?" asks the husband sympathetically.
"Not very well at all" replies the wife.
"The doctor said I had a nice pussy!"
He said,
"What? Are you sure he said that?"
"Yes, he said I had a nice pussy!" replies the wife indignantly.
So the husband has steam coming out his ears and says he's going to see the
doctor in the morning.
The next morning, the husband's at the front of the line in the doctor's
office.
He barges in and demands to know why he had been speaking so personally to
his wife.
"You said my wife has a nice pussy and I'm going to belt you for it!"
"I did not say that to your wife," denies the doctor. "That would be against
a doctor's moral and ethical practice."
"Look, if my wife says you said it, then you said it. Now I'm going to take
you outside and beat the shit out of you for saying that."
"Wait, wait, wait, wait," cries the doc. "Give me a minute and I'll go and
check my medical records."
Two minutes later the doctor returns,
"No, I didn't say your wife had a nice pussy, I said she had acute angina!"

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs,
But
You come in one, and go in the other!

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat
tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your
dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady. "I
need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your
privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat
yesterday!"

It would be a mistake to put fluoride in condoms
Because
A cavity is exactly what I'm hoping for.

One day, the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage.
She asked,
"Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you, Johnny?"
"Milk!" answered Johnny.
"No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer. Roses drink water," explained the
teacher.
"Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I didn't know the stem was that long!"

This girl-about-town doesn't bother to vote in any election.
Says she doesn't care who gets in.

XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young man named Crockett
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
She just threw the switch,
And Crockett went off like a rocket.

A woman was walking down the street when she was stopped by a man who was
carrying out a survey.
"Excuse me, madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex."
"Really!" said the woman smiling.
"Could you please tell me what you think of sex one the television?"
"Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable, especially
when you've got a vase stuck up your ass!"

The difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion is
At a hockey game you see fast pucks.

Mom walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously
scrubbing his penis with a toothbrush and toothpaste.
"What the heck do you think you're doing, young man!?" she exclaimed.
"Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day,
because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad
as my sister's."

Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the string on
tampons with tinsel.
This will be just for the Christmas period.

The pretty coed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation,
the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel.
Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked,
"How did this happen?"
"Let me put it this way, doc," the girl began. "My boyfriend likes to eat by
candlelight."

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite.
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac
are all sitting one a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their
minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Lets have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the
murderer.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it
again," said the necrophile. "Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill
it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
The room went silent, then everyone turned to the masochist and asked:
"So, what's it gonna be?"
The masochist says,
"Meow."

A woman complained to her vet that her mongrel dog would start to hump her
every time she came into the house.
"Is there anything you can do?" she asked.
"Well," the vet said, "We could cut his testicles off to cut his sex drive
down."
"Oh, no," the woman replied, "that seems a bit rough. Couldn't you just clip
his nails and do something about his bad breath?"

I'm not saying she's easy
But
She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.

XX ADULT PUNS!

In porn flicks the woman once starred.
The men who she works with regard
Her with lots of respect.
She can get them erect.
On old guys it's easy: blow hard.

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast.
He walks in and she says,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment".
He, thinking it's his lucky day, gives her one over the kitchen table.
Afterwards he says,
"What was that all about?"
She says,
"the egg timer's broken!"

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer.
The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked,
"What's the problem, pal?"
"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighbourhood that
pays $40 for a donation!" said the dejected gent.
"Yeah, so?" replied the barkeep.
"Don't you get it?" the man cried out. "I've already let a fortune slip
through my fingers!"

On wall in ladies room:
"My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it:
"I do not"

A guy cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear:
"Could we make love, please dear?"
She rolled over away from him.
"Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied rather
tersely.
Too horny to read the obvious signals the husband pleaded.
"Please, honey. I'll only stick it in for a minute"
"What do you think I am," his wife retorted, "A fuckin' microwave?"

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Naughty girls unbutton your pants.

BLACK ROBBERS - TRUE STORY

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at
a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband
in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her
room.

'I'll be right back and we'll go to eat' she told her husband and carried
the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already
aboard. Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating
figure.

The woman froze. Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.' Her
next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice
gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors
as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another.
Her fear increased!

The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God' she thought, I'm
trapped and about to be robbed!
Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, 'Hit the floor.'

Instinct told her to do what they told her...

The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed
on the elevator floor.. A shower of coins rained down on her.

'Take my money and spare me', she prayed.

More seconds passed.

She heard one of the men say politely, 'Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what
floor you're going to, we'll push the button.'

The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was
trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh..

The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to
help her up.

Confused, she struggled to her feet. 'When I told my friend here to hit the
floor,' said the average sized one, I meant that he should hit the elevator
button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am.'

He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time
not laughing.

The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.' She was
too humiliated to speak.

The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.

When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to
her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she
might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good
evening.

As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as
they walked back to the elevator.

The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went
downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room; a dozen roses. Attached
to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred-dollar bill.
The card said:

"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."

It was signed:

Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan

Friday, November 09, 2012

XXX ADULT PUNS!

One night, a man and his wife were watching TV.
It was about breast implants.
The wife said:
"I wish I had bigger breasts."
The man said:
"You don't have to get silicone breasts, just wipe between your breast with
toilet paper."
"How would that work the wife asked?"
The man said:
" Well, you have been wiping your butt for 50 years and its got bigger!"

I'm not saying she's easy
But
She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.

Finally, Christmas was over and the elves were taking off for their well
deserved vacation.
Chandro the Lead Elf says,
"Man, I've been waiting for this for six months. I'm getting my ass down to
Miami. I'm gonna do nothing, but suck down margaritas, bang as many babes as
I can, and soak up the sun till I get this damn cold out of my bones.."
So, he gets to Miami, checks into his hotel and then heads straight for the
bar.
He spots a gorgeous, tall, well built blonde sitting alone sipping a drink.
So, he goes over, climbs on the stool next to her and orders a margarita.
Downs it, orders another one, downs that too.
He smiles at the blonde and says,
"Hi sweetie, I'm Chandro, Santa's lead elf. What would you say to a little
Fuck"
She looks down and says,
"Hello you little Fuck".

VICE:
Anything you enjoy that is bad for you.

A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon and were settling down
in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night, the landlady met
the man in the hallway.
She said,
"I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if
you and your bride would like to have them?"
"I'll ask her," the young man responded.
Then, he opened his door and called out,
"Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"
"Hey, Pal," she retorted. "If you show me one more trick with that thing,
I'm going home to mother."

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair
But,
By turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole
thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

After several disastrous attempts to synchronize his own and his wife's
libido with the delayed-action effects of Viagra, Tom the Bus Driver was
delighted to hear about a new product called Now -Agra.
Each pill came with strict instructions;
'To be taken only immediately before sex'.
So, Tom phoned his wife - who was equally hungry for some satisfactory
action - and arranged to be home by six that evening.
Whilst he was finishing his day's work, she had a long soak in luxurious
bubble bath, listened to her favourite records, and was truly relaxed and
ready when the clock struck six.
When he wasn't home by eight she was really peed off, and by nine she was
beginning to worry...
Tom came home sheepishly at ten, looking absolutely shattered.
"What happened?"
"Well, I got back to the depot on time and the Inspector asked me to park
the bus at the back of the garage. I thought a few minutes wouldn't make any
difference so I said yes.
Then, I took out the pill, and somehow, after all our other problems, I
thought I ought to give it time to 'kick in'. So, I took it there and
then..."
"And?"
"And I've only just managed to get out from under the steering wheel."

Why did the blonde put condoms one her ears?
She didn't want to get hearing aids.

One night, after his evening service, a priest decided to take a walk.
A wrong turn led him into the red light district.
On the first corner, he saw a hooker dressed in a halter and hot pants
leaning against a lamppost.
Seeing the fallen woman, the priest went up and said,
"My dear, I have spent my nights praying for you."
"No need to do that, Father," the hooker said. "I'm here every night. You
can have me any time you want."

Good girls
Own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls
Own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls
Own the entire Fantasia collection.

Thursday, November 08, 2012

Tale of our times

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, in

Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel.

The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain

him.

They sit and talk,frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit,and she sits

on his lap.He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain

the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she

sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and

walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for

something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with

him.

She decides that only her most experienced lady,Lola,will do.

Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise

her.

So the madam sends her over to Hans.The sit and talk,frolic a ittle,

giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers

in her ear and she screams,"NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she

can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in

all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work

herself for a long time,but she's sure she has said yes to everything a

man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants

that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her

employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is

available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and

then she sits in his lap.

Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"

New from the Dearborn talking doll collection in America,

The latest toy has hit the shops... A talking Muslim doll.

Nobody knows what the hell it says,
Because no one has the guts to pull the cord.

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

XX ADULT PUNS!

Your job this week hasn't borne fruit?
Use this modern technique to earn loot:
Pick a rich guy who's famous,
Allege something heinous,
And file a ten-million-buck suit.

A 13 year old was watching a movie one cable TV.
A man ripped off a woman's blouse and said,
"I want what I want when I want it!"
The boy, turned on by the scene and the love-making which followed, finished
watching the movie, and decided to try what he had just witnessed on the
girl next door, a classmate. He went over to her house, found that her
parents weren't home from work yet, ripped off her blouse; and then said,
"I want what I want when I want it!"
The girl stared at him and cooly replied
"You'll get what I got when I get it!"

The Airport screening rule is they can only touch your breasts and groin
area over clothes.
Same rule my high school prom date had.

There was a large revival meeting on the outskirts of town, and at the
appropriate corner there was a large sign proclaiming the following:
"If you are weary of sin and want to be saved, turn here, go 100 yards, and
come into the revival tent."
Below the sign someone had hung another smaller one, which read:
"If NOT weary, call Sherry 555-3550."

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,
So, I did.
She's 25, and her name's Kathy .

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the
internal security system got underway immediately.
The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash
and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered
throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only
a bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said,
"At least we'll have a bit to eat."
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding.
The process continued until all the safes were opened.
They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more
than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.

I'm not saying she's easy
But
Her diaphragms come with a service contract.

The stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for some course
problems, but seemed to be paying only half attention to his replies.
"Are you feeling OK?" he asked.
"Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with every man I
meet," she admitted. "Is there a name for my condition?"
"Why yes, there is," he said, as he picked her up and began carrying her to
the couch.
"It's called 'Good News'."

A man calls 911 and says
"I think my wife is dead".
The operator says,
"How do you know?"
The man says
"The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

A guy wakes up in the morning.
He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night.
He picks up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on.
He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a
bra.
He thinks to himself,
"Uh oh. What happened last night?"
He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his
gown.
Again he thinks,
"What happened last night. What have I done? It must have been a wild
party," making his best attempt to conclude and accept the evidence.
He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror.
He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is,
"If there's a God, please let this be a tea bag."

Good:
You go to see a strip show.
Bad:
Your wife is a dancer
Worst:
Your daughter's the headliner.

Tuesday, November 06, 2012

A Punjabi seeks the Lord

A Punjabi Indian dies and goes to Heaven.

He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. ....

"Yes?", asks St. Peter. .

"I am here for Jesus", says the Punjabi .....

St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"

Monday, November 05, 2012

T-G-I-F VS. S-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a
bright,
"T-G-I-F"

He smiled at her and replied,
"S-H-I-T"

She looked puzzled and repeated,
"T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered,
"S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile,
and said as sweetly as possibly,
"T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again,
"S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered,
"S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.

Good English..

A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.
She sent him a 'Thank you note on email'.

The Boss's wife read the mail and filed a divorce in court.

The mails said:

'Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night.
It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and a firm strokes.
Initially its tip was to be licked to bring to working order & it is equally
good on both sides.
I loved its perfect size and grip.
Felt like I was in heaven when using it.
I've always desired it and you fulfilled my wish.

At last it is mine and mine for ever.
Thanks a lot"

Moral: Spacing is an essential part when writing in English.

XXX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young rector of Kings
Whose mind was on heavenly things,
But his heart was on fire
For a boy in the choir
Whose ass was like jelly on springs.

Two college women were discussing the date one had had the night before.
"Oh, Nancy, he was sooo erudite, and clever, and sophisticated. He speaks
ten languages, drives a Lamborghini, took me to a Parisian restaurant and
ordered the meal and wine in French, then took me to his penthouse apartment
to look over his Russian book collection by the fireplace."
"Wow, Gail, he sounds fabulous! But just how far did he get with you?
"Well, I really rather not say, but he was quite a cunning linguist!"

What does a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!

After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed
out of the room after the class was over.
Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked,
"Judi, what in the world is the matter with you? You look as if you're
about to kill someone."
"I am!" Judi fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All
summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' was tossing a coin
for position."

What does a gal call a blow job in a Honda?
Her Civic duty

An elderly couple was sitting on the out porch when the husband turned to
his wife and,
"Muffin, I feel like making love tonight. "
The wife replied,
"OK Ernest, I will let you, but be gentle this time."
"But, I am always gentle with you, dearest."
"That's not true," she replied. "The last time you woke me up TWICE!"

I'm not saying she's easy
But
she's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.

"Doctor, I can't find a comfortable position to sit."
The doctor examined Harry and said,
"I'm not surprised that you're having trouble sitting; you have a good case
of haemorrhoids."
He then gave Harry a supply of suppositories, and told him,
"Go home now, and use one of these each morning and one at night until
they're gone. Then come back and we'll see how you are."
Harry went home, and in a couple of weeks returned, still complaining of
haemorrhoids.
"Well," said the doctor, "Did you use all of the suppositories?"
"Yes, I did," said Harry. "I took one every morning and every night as you
instructed, even though they were pretty hard to swallow. For all the good
they did me, I might just as well have shoved them up my ass!"

MINUTE MAN:
One who double parks while he visits a sporting house.

Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that he's
going to divorce his wife.
"Good grief" says Jim, "You and Sue are the happiest couple I know - why on
earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of
obvious bliss?"
"Well" replies Fred, "Truth be known I'm just bored with pokin' the same
hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankerin' for a bit of
variety."
Jim:
"Well if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every
now and again?"
Fred:
"What? And have a house full of kids?"

Good:
You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad:
She keeps interrupting
Worse:
With corrections

bottle of Jack Daniels

I went fishing one morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a snake with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I
grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my
bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. So, I
grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake
without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that snake, with two more frogs....

HAROLD MAY BECOME MY NEW FAVORITE!!!!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started
her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a
few seconds, Little Harold stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're
stupid, Harold?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by
yourself!'

Harold watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his
mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter,
asked Harold 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that Harold wasn't paying attention in class. She
called on him and said, 'Harold! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Harold
quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Harold's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police
station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most
wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it
really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The
detectives want very badly to capture him. Harold asked,"Why didn't you keep
him when you took his picture ? "

Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his
father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's
legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are
you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have
to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold,
looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

XXX Rabbit Hunting,

Paddy decides to go rabbit hunting, but when he gets to his favorite field
he sees the village priest is already there.

Paddy watches with fascination as the priest holds his finger over a rabbit
hole and immediately a rabbit pops out. The priest grabs it and puts it into
a sack.

He repeats this unusual but very successful technique until his sack is full
of rabbits.

Paddy stops the priest and asks him how he does it.

Easy, says the priest. Put your finger on your wife's pussy and then hold it
over a rabbit hole. They can't resist the smell, so when they come out grab
them."

Paddy rushes home to find Maureen bent over scrubbing the floor.

He lifts up her skirt and applies his finger as directed. Without looking
up, Maureen giggles, "Holy Moses, Father! Rabbit hunting again?"

Amazing Facts

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced
to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to
squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(O.M.G.!!!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the
length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm....... (She knew that!!!)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

Why Golf is better than sex - David Letterman

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons
Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....

#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of
beers.
#8. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7. Foursomes are encouraged.
#6. You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5. Three times a day IS possible.
#4. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#3. If you live in Florida , you can do it almost everyday.
#2. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex......
#1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!

XX ADULT PUNS!

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To smoke a little leaf,
Jack got high and dropped his fly,
And Jill said, "Where's The Beef?"

Two friends meet after many years.
They talk about their past life.
One asks the other,
"And how's your sex life?"
"As Coca-Cola"
"Oh great! Full of bubbles, he?"
"Nothing like that!. Before it was 'NORMAL', then it became 'LIGHT' and now
it is 'ZERO'!"

Bumper Sticker:
SUPPORT CANNIBALISM-EAT ME!

Two five-year-olds were on a picnic with their respective families.
They both wandered into the nearby woods to answer a call of nature.
The little girl squatted and did the necessary.
On her way back to the picnic grounds, she ran across the little boy who was
relieving himself against a tree. "Wow" she said with rounded eyes, "what a
handy gadget to take on a picnic!"

A newborn was born in Oregon last week without eyelids.
The doctor took the kid's foreskin and fashioned eyelids.
Everything turned out okay, but the kid was a little cockeyed.

A Bulgarian tourist visiting America was interested in all types of American
games.
When he returned home, his friends asked him to describe the things he saw.
"One interesting game I witnessed," he said, "was one called, 'Oh Shit!' One
fellow stands on a stage and calls out things like, 'G-4, N-44, etc'. After
awhile, someone in the audience calls out, 'Bingo!' and the rest of the
crowd yells, 'Oh shit!'"

I'm not saying she's easy
But
she's been mounted more often than Trigger.

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a
sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles a few feet across the store
to the counter.
Finally, arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she
askes the sales clerk:
"Dddooo youuuuu hhhave dddddillllldossss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing replies:
"Yes, we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks:
"Ddddddooooo yyyouuuu cccaarryy AAA pppinkkkk onnneee, tttteenn inchessssss
llllongg aannddd abbbouttt ttwwoo inchessss ththiickk aaaand rruunns byyy
bbaatteriess?"
The clerk responds,
"Yes we do."
The old lady asks:
"Dddddoooo yyooooouuuuu kknnnoooww hhhowwww tttooo ttturttnnn ttthe
sssunoooooffabbbitchhhh offfffff?"

A guy is sitting at a bar when he sees this gorgeous young woman sitting
alone.
He decides to go over and chat with her.
"You're wasting your time, I'm only interested in women" said the girl.
"Oh come on, I bet I can change your mind" said the guy.
After ten minutes of his pestering her, she said
"Okay, I'll sleep with you if you can do anything for me that my vibrator
can't! But if you can't, you'll leave me alone."
"Deal! Bartender, get this lady a drink."
Then he turned to her and said.
"Let's see your vibrator do that?"

XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"

A group of cowboys were out on the range branding some cattle.
While they were away the new cook saw a sheep tied to a post.
Thinking it was for that night's dinner he slaughtered the sheep, and cooked
it.
That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook.
He pulled one aside and asked,
"Did I screw up the cooking"
"No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."

At the Senior Citizens Centre they had a contest the other day.
I lost by one point:
The question was:
Where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa!
Who knew?

Nigel goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says,
"Nigel, I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."
Nigel is devastated.
"Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says,
"I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage,
20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts
and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of
prune juice."
Nigel asks,
"Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is
for."

I'm not saying she's easy
But
she's been boarded more times than Amtrak.

A guy sees his best friend on the street.
The friend is wearing a flamboyant outfit, Lime colored trousers, a puff
sleeved, lavender shirt, a puce ascot, etc.
So, he asks his friend,
"What in the world is wrong with you?"
"Oh, my wife," the friend replies.
"Your wife?" queries the first guy.
"Yea. I saw an ad in the paper for Cox's Men's Store. They were having a
great sale on seersucker suits. So, I told her, go to Cox's and buy me one
of those seersucker suits. So what does she do? She goes to Sears.

"When I realized that I couldn't satisfy my wife's insatiable sex appetite,"
the man said to his drinking buddy, "I bought her quite an assortment of
every sex toy made, thinking that would keep her faithful."
"Did it work?" asked the friend.
"Well, kinda." the man replied. "But now, every time I do feel like a
little, I find myself 2nd or 3rd in line."

Good:
You came home for a quickie.
Bad:
Your wife walks in.
Worse;
You're with her mother

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars.
The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient.
So, recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick
it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back
with all the others in such a fasion as you can't tell which one it is. The
aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is
the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it."
And he did.
But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.
"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even
in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my
addiction," said the patient.
"What in the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night
unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass!"

Making Love:
Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.

Telling a Lie is a .......

Telling a lie is a -
Sin for a child.
Fault for an adult.
An art for a lover.
A profession for a lawyer.
A requirement for a politician.
An accomplishment for a bachelor.
A Management tool for a Boss.
An excuse for a subordinate and
A Matter of Survival for a married man.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

XX ADULT PUNS!

It seemed all was well for old Bill
For the night was romantic and still.
She was warm, she was waiting,
She was ripe for the mating
But alas! She was not on the pill.

Annie and Sam were on the brink of divorce, so they went to visit a marriage
counselor.
The counselor asked Annie about the problem.
She responded,
"Sam suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turned to Sam and inquired,
"Is that true?"
Sam replied,
"Well, not exactly. She's the one that suffers, not me."

A baby conceived on the back seat of a car with automatic transmission
Will grow up to be a shiftless bastard.

Following a tragic shipwreck in the Mediterranean, the body of an attractive
young woman was washed up on the beach near St. Tropez.
The gendarme who came across it during his rounds went off to contact the
coroner's office, and when he came back he was horrified to find his best
friend on top of the corpse, going at is as hard as he could.
"Pierre, Pierre!" shouted the gendarme. "That woman! She is dead!"
"Dead!" howled Pierre jumping up. "Sacre bleu! I took her for an English
lady!"

Please tell your pants
Its not polite to point.

A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town
to do chores.
"That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of
the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I
want him to impregnate."
Satisfied that his wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left
for town.
That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him
out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.
"This is the cow right here," she tells him.
"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.
Replies the wife,
"I guess it's to hang up your pants."

Gentleman:
One who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows.

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage
bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is
flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady, "I'd better go back and see if I can still
find some. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop.
"How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the
parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans
come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand
behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his
little thingie through the bushes, I say, "$20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop.
"OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up."

"Daddy, what does a pussy look like after sex?"
"Son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus.
The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.
Finally, one woman turned to the other and said,
"You know, I've been sitting here so long, my ass fell asleep!"
The other woman turned to her and said,
"I know! I heard it snoring!"

Good:
Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad:
You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse:
You're in them.

XXX ADULT PUNS!

An ancient Rabbi from Peru,
Took his wife in the bedroom to screw,
But she said, "Oh vey!
If you keep on this way,
The Messiah will come before you!"

A woman goes to a truck yard to get a job as a truck driver in construction.
The head foreman says:
"I don't know lady. You'd be the first woman. Before I can hire you I'll
have to see if you fit in with the guys. I have three questions for you. Do
you drink?"
She replies,
"At least a six-pack a day"
"Do you swear?"
"All the damn time!"
"OK, then, I got only one more question. You ever been picked up by the
fuzz?"
"No, but I've been swung around by my tits a few times!"

What do you get when you cross a Wall Street brokerage with a BDSM brothel?
A business for stocks and bondage.

At one ad agency, a guy in production was fired when they discovered he was
The Xerox Flasher.
Every morning, he Xeroxed his privates, made copies & left them in the
secretaries' desks.
The boss said,
"Hell, he's the only person in the building who isn't guilty of false
advertising!"
His secretary said,
"Well, not exactly."
He said,
"Oh God! Don't tell me!"
She said,
"Yes, sir. He was using the enlarger."

Adultery:
The wrong people doing the right thing.

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest,
"I had an affair with a woman - almost."
The priest says,
"What do you mean, 'almost'?"
The man says,
"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest replies,
"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that
woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over
to the poor box.
He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says,
"I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied,
"Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as
putting it in!"

"I've got to renew my prescription of birth control pills. I can't afford to
get pregnant!"
"But I thought your husband had a vasectomy."
"He did. That's why I can't afford to get pregnant!"

The husband was perusing a detailed sex manual and his wife asked him why.
He replied that he was tired of being in the same old rut.
"But I don't understand," she protested, "I thought we had a very good sex
life."
"Well," replied the husband, "let me put it to you another way."

What is the difference between medium and rare? Six inches is medium, eight
inches is rare.

I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and e-mails
have long forgotten the art of capitalization.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the
following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between
Helping your Uncle Jack off a horse,
And
Helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that?

Good:
Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad:
You can't find your birth control pills
Worse:
Your daughter borrowed them

Irish Joke

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes
out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon
and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid
around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get
my urine tested for sugar."

Friday, October 26, 2012

Short, but GOOD!!!

An Israeli arrives at London 's Heathrow airport

As he fills out the entry form,

the immigration officer asks him: "Occupation? "

The Israeli promptly replies: "No, no, just visiting!"

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

XXX ADULT PUNS!

An amorous sailor of Brighton,
Said to his fave girl, "You're a tight'un!"
She said, "'pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole,
And there's plenty of room in the right'un!"

Every day Little Johnny went to the park and sat on the park bench to
watch the squirrels climb the tree.
One day, while Little Johnny was sitting on the park bench, Susie
walked by and unzipped Little Johnny's fly.
He went home and told his mother about it and she said,
"Tell the little girl not to do that again because you have a mouse in
your pants."
The following day Little Johnny was sitting there and Susie did the
same thing again.
As his mother told him, Little Johnny exclaimed
"Don't do that because I have a mouse in my pants."
At that remark, Susie lifted her skirt and said,
"Go get 'em Pussy."

Did you hear about the inventive girl who somehow wired her personal
vibrator to her bedside FM set and came up with the world's first
radio alarm cock?

An elderly blonde plunked two buckets of quarters down in front a
teller at the bank.
The teller, unsure how to handle so much loose change, called the manager.
The manager started to berate the woman for hoarding so many quarters.
She gave him a long hard look and said,
"I didn't hoard all of these. My sister whored half, and I whored the
other half."

A birth control pill for men, that's fair.
It makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a
bullet-proof vest.

A woman was walking down the street when she was stopped by a man who
was carrying out a survey.
"Excuse me, madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex."
"Really!" said the woman smiling.
"Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the television?"
"Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable,
especially when you've got a vase stuck up your ass!"

The best thing to come out of a penis when you stroke it is the wrinkles.

The pretty young schoolteacher was concerned about one of her
eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked,
"Victor, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"
"I can't concentrate," replied the lad. "I think I've fallen in love."
"Is that so?" said the teacher, holding back an urge to smile. "And with whom?"
"With you," he answered.
"But Victor," exclaimed the secretly pleased young lady, "Don't you
see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own
someday, but not a child!"
"Oh, don't worry," said Victor reassuringly. "I'll be careful."

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to
asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"

It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman,
It doesn't matter if its Visa or MasterCard.

XX ADULT PUNS!

It was the first time that they had made love.
They were fondling each other intimately.
She had his donger in her hand...
"What do you call it?" She asked.
"Some blokes call theirs Dick or Peter, John Thomas or Willie."
"What do you call yours?"
"I don't have to call mine anything," he replied. "It usually 'cums'
without being called."

What sex toy might be a suitable surrogate partner for a suicide bomber?
A Blow-Up Doll!

A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers,
"Thank you honey. What would you like me to bring back for you?"
The husband laughs and says,
"An English girl!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later, he picks her up in the airport and asks,
"So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?"
"What I asked for. The English girl."
"Oh, that? Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait 9 months to
see if it is a girl."

I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.
They're brilliant.
It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex.

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new
doctor is young, female, and drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed.
She said,
"Don't worry, I am a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell
me what's wrong, and I'll check it out."
I said,
"My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny."

Horse Show:
A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses' asses showing
their horses.

One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's
wearing a diamond necklace.
He asks his wife,
"Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies,
"I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet.
Her husband asks,
"Where did you get the bracelet?"
She replies,
"I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a
mink coat.
He says,
"I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?"
She replies,
"Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is
only one inch of water in the tub.
She yells to her husband,
"HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub!"
He replies,
"I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet!"

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message
claiming that she loves anal.
Dyslexic bitch.
It turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend.

Tired of sitting at home every night, an ugly single heiress decided
to take out a personal ad.
"Rich, sex-crazed, admittedly not good-looking woman wants man for
quiet liaisons," she wrote.
She then sat by the mailbox and waited for a response.
Lo and behold, the day after the ad appeared she received an express-mail reply.
Her heart thumping in her throat, she tore open the envelope.
Looking on, the girl's mother asked, "
So? Who's it from?"
Her expression dour, the young woman replied,
"Daddy."

Life is like a penis.
Soft and hanging freely.
It's women that make it hard.

Friday, October 19, 2012

born Black

Nominated by UN as the best Poem Written by an African Kid

When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black :
When I go in Sun, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black

And you white fellow
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you grey
And you calling me colored??

XX ADULT PUNS!

There once was a man from Havana,
Screwed a girl on a player pee-yana,
At the height of their fever,
Her ass hit the lever,
And yes, he has no banana!

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet
like his daddy.
He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim.
Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets out a scream.
His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his
genitals and howling.
He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles,
"K-k-k-k-kiss it. {sniff} Make it better."
Little Johnny's mother shouts,
"Don't start your father's shit with me!"

Dictaphone:
Instrument for making obscene calls.

A sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond
cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his
boots.
He arrests the man for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks,
"Why in the world are you walking around like this?"
The cowboy says,
"Well it's like this, sheriff. I was in this bar down the road and this
purdy little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt. So
I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants. So I
did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts. So I
did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go
to town, cowboy.' And here I am."

Sex is a lot like doing laundry,
If you have a small load,
Do it by hand!

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating
a snack cake.
The barber says to her,
"Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says,
"Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

My love life is terrible.
The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

Sylvester was a sprightly ninety years of age when he married Elizabeth, who
was a resoundingly ripe eighteen-year-old. As they prepared for bed on their
wedding night, he asked her:
"Tell me, sweet child, did your mother tell you the facts of life?"
She blushed furiously from her hairline to the tips of her toes.
"No," she shyly murmured.
"That's a great pity," he said, "because I'm afraid I've forgotten them."

It was the young Englishman's first visit to Las Vegas and in his innocence,
he sought lodging in the city's red-light district. His money, however, was
as green as his outlook, and the madam gladly offered him a room for the
night.
When a friend questioned him about his accommodations over lunch the
following day, the young Briton replied,
"Well, the room was very pretentious, you know, but gad, what maid service!"

Eternity:
The length of time between when you come and she leaves.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Secret To A Long Marriage

An Indian Secret to a 50 year long marriage!

At The Swami Narayan Temple in Neasden London, they have weekly husband's
marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Popatbhai, who said he was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share
some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all
these years.

Popatbhai replied to the assembled husbands, 'Well, I've tried to treat her
nice, spend money on her, but best of all is, I took her to Bombay, India
for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, "Popat bhai, you are an amazing inspiration to all the
husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your
50th anniversary?"

Popatbhai proudly replied, "I'm going back to Bombay to pick her up."

XXX Adult Humour time

The wife said to me last night,
''If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the ass"
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first?

Son said to Dad,
''I'm gay.''
Dad looks at his other son and said,
''What about you?''
Other son said,
''Me too, Dad.''
Dad said,
"Shit me, doesn't anyone in this family like pussy?
Daughter said,
''I do!''

Dear Abbie.
I was watching my next door neighbour's 14 year old daughter sunbathing from
my bedroom window.
The sight got too much for me and I started knocking one out.
I had just finished and was wiping my knob on the curtains when I noticed my
wife standing in the bedroom door.
She had watched me from start to finish without saying a word.
Is she a pervert?

XXX ADULT PUNS!

Confucius says man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

While redecorating my bathroom, I phoned a shop to see if it stocked a
particular model of toilet.
"We haven't got one of this here," said the clerk.
"Oh, no!" I said, crestfallen.
His number had been the fourth one I'd called.
"Don't worry," he added helpfully. "I'll contact our other outlets to see if
there's anybody out there sitting on one."

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Two cuties were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends.
The first said,
"He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive
jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis
bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."
"Impressive." said the second young thing.
"Well, yes." the first agreed. "But the downside was that with all those
carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit ."

I wouldn't want to fly Virgin.
Who'd want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way?

Dave sold strawberries off his truck out in the suburbs.
He knocked on the door of a house.
"Wanna buy some strawberries?"
"Come around the back," answered the pretty young blonde.
Dave walked to the rear, rang the bell, and the woman opened the door.
To Dave's shock, she stood there stark naked.
Not a stitch of clothes on.
Dave started to cry.
"What's the matter?" asked the blonde.
"Today, my wife ran away with my best friend," explained Dave, "I lost three
thousand dollars on the stock market, and now you're gonna screw me out of
my strawberries."

SPRING FEVER -
When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil.

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his
wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says
"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want
to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

"My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week."
"Why is that?"
"I've been screwing his wife."

Recognition

'Muslims do not recognise Jews as God's chosen people
Jews do not recognise Jesus as the Messiah,
Protestants do not recognise the Pope as the leader of the christian world,
Baptists do not recognise each other at the liquor store'!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

XX ADULT PUNS!

A popular house of ill repute was visited by a lesbian.
The woman requested a 15 year old, and the madam replied,
"I'm sorry, we don't serve minors to lickers."

A lady and a gentleman were arguing on every subject they discussed.
Said the lady,
"Sir, we cannot agree on a single thing."
"You are wrong, Madam," he said. "If you should go into a room in which
there were two beds, one with a woman in it and the other with a man in it,
with whom would you sleep?"
"Why, with the lady, of course."
"You see; so would I."

The 69 position is like driving in rush hour,
An asshole is always in front of you!

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his
friend is very well endowed.
"Damn Bob, you're hung!"
Jim exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."
"What do you mean?" Jim asked.
"Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing
it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4
inches! You should try it."
Jim agrees and the two say good bye.
A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how
his situation was.
Jim replied,
"I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller -- I lost two
inches already!"
"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"
"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."
"Crisco?" Bob exclaimed, "Dammit Jim, Crisco is shortening,"

Most women prefer old gynaecologists because they have shaky hands.

After an evening at the theater and several nightcaps at an intimate little
bistro, the young man whispered to his date,
"How do you feel about making love to a man?"
"That's my business," she snapped.
"Ah," he said. "A professional!"

He's a real humanitarian.
He just opened a halfway house for girls who won't go all the way.

We did sex education at school, and were shown various films on the subject.
One I especially remember was called, 'How To Put On A Condom'.
So, when the time came, and I was in the position to try out what I had
learned at school, I took the condom and followed the instructions from the
video.
All was going well, until she said,
"So, now what do we do with the banana?"

Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

A young woman was walking in the park one day when she came across a frog.
She picked it up and decided to take it home with her.
Later that night, she kissed it, and put it under her pillow and the next
morning when she awoke, the frog was gone and there was a handsome young man
sleeping beside her!
She could not believe it!
Given the screaming and yelling a bit later, apparently neither did her
mother and father!

DONKEY BARBECUE:
Where everybody gets a piece of ass.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Father of the Nation

God decided to encourage people to have fewer children and introduced an
award scheme… During the procedure at one point, he concentrated on learning
about the situation in India:

He first met Jawaharlal Nehru in heaven, and asked him how many children
he had during his time on earth. Nehru replied… only one!

Happy with the relatively good family planning adopted, God awarded Nehru
with a Celestial Rolls Royce!

Indira Gandhi was next, and God asked the same question. She replied she
had two children, and God thought, not too bad, so he gave her a BMW.

Dr. Radhakrishnan was next in line. God was not pleased to hear that he had
six children, and gave him a Morris-8 as a kind of punishment…

Sometime later, the three (Nehru, Indira and Radhakrishnan) were going
around in their new cars, saw Mahatma Gandhi on foot!!!

Wondering what went wrong; they asked him why God hadn't been merciful with
him…

The Mahatma replied in disgust, "God did not even ask me!!! Some idiots had
told him that I am the father of the whole Indian nation!"

A Good Jewish Story

A Jewish businessman in Chicago decided to send his son to Israel to
absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the
father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had
a great time in Israel . By the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?" He decided to go ask his
friend Jacob what to do.

Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel , and he
also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask
him what we should do." So they went to see the rabbi.

The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel .
He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people?

Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."

The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons
and asked God what to do.

Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said,
"Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel . . . .

Condom

In 1272 - the Irish invented the condom, using a goats lower intestine.

In 1873 - the English somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of
the goat first.

Alive

An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best
And just remember,
If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife....'

HUMOUR from Great Minds

"As you get older three things happen.
The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
"Sir Norman Wisdom

"One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman
That even a bargain costs money."
Edgar Watson Howe

"A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your
success!"
Doug Larson

"A harmful truth is always better then..a useful lie!"
Eric Bolton

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way,
So, I stole one and asked him to forgive me."
Erno Philips

"I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.
"Robert Paul

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to
walk and talk
And the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."
Phyllis Diller

"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
Victor Borge

"Start every day with a smile and get it over with."
W.C. Fields

"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."
Will Rogers

"Always get married early in the morning.
That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day."
Mickey Rooney

"Women now have choices.
They can be married,
Not married,
Have a job,
Not have a job,
Be married with children,
Unmarried with children.
Men have the same choice we've always had:
Work or prison."
Tim Allen

"I'm not afraid to die.
I just don't want to be there when it happens."
Woody Allen

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we
didn't."
Erica Jong

"Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive."
Elbert Hubbard

"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."
Wendell Johnson

"In life, it's not who you know that's important,
it's how your wife found out."
Joey Adams

"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years.
If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
Henry Youngman

"Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already
born?"
Benny Hill

Thursday, October 11, 2012

XX ADULT PUNS!

There once was a couple named Kelly
Who walked around belly-to-belly.
It seems in their haste,
They used Carter's paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.

They call a sister a nun
Because
She ain't never had nun,
Doesn't never want nun,
And
Ain't never going to get nun.

A woman was complaining to the neighbours that her husband always came home
late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband
came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out, 'Is
that you, Jim?' and that cured him."
"Cured him," asked the woman. "But how?"
The neighbour said,
"You see, his name is Bill."

The teacher asked Johnny to make a sentence using the math terms add,
subtract, divide, and multiply.
He said,
"To have sex, you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and
hope you don't multiply.

The petite young blonde was being interviewed for a rather high-level
executive position in the advertising agency.
Finally, the interviewer concluded with,
"I like your style, Miss Benson. I think you'll do just fine. All we ask is
that you put out."
"Errr, uhh, err, sir." she said, somewhat taken aback. "Are you referring to
work or sex?"
"Well, little lady," he replied, "around here, if you don't do one, you had
better be doing the other."

Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always after the
girl to quit smoking.
One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said,
"You really ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said,
"I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."
He replied,
"But they'll stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he had never.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said,
"So, what's your excuse then?"

Politically Incorrect but PRICELESS - Fully worth reading !

A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the
altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly.
The pilot speaks over the intercom ..." I'm sorry it has come
to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to
jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne ".

Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's altitude continues
to decrease. Once again the pilot gets on the intercom, "I hate to do
this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to
start off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this
Alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'".

"Africans? Are there any Africans on board?"There was no
answer so the pilot calls, "Black people, are there any black people on
board?"
Again silence.

" C - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?"

Still there is silence.
A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother
and said, "Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we black? Ain't we coloured?"

She replied, "Yes, son but for the moment we is Niggers. Let
them do the Muslims first. If that don't work we is Zulus"......

Wednesday, October 03, 2012

XX ADULT PUNS!

There's a tavern in London that's staffed,
By a barmaid who's tops at her craft:
In her striving to please,
She serves ale on her knees,
So the patrons get head with their draft.

A guy got chatting to a girl in a club:
"Can I buy you a drink?", he asked.
"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have
girlfriends."
"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago." he assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine
please."
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her
place and made passionate love.
While he was putting his clothes back on she said,
"So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on
earth did you split with your girlfriend?"
He said,
"My wife found out"

What do rednecks do for Halloween?
Pump kin.

During a lull in the rehearsal the groom and best man, two long time friends
and playboys, began to compare conquests. The groom, looking out over the
crowd, said to his best man,
"You know Bill, except for my wife to be, my two sisters and my mother, I've
made love to every woman in this room."
To which his friend responded,
"Well then, between the two of us we've had them all!"

Does the career advice,
"Come early on your first day" apply in the porn business?

A guy stops by to visit his friend.
They talk for a while and then the friend asks,
"My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go upstairs and get me my
sneakers please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs.
There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking.
Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says,
"Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say,
"That can't be!"
He replies,
"OK, let's check!"
He shouts at his friend down the stairs,
"Both of them?"
The father shouts back,
"Yes, both of them!"

Bumper Sticker:
To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

A woman phones her blonde neighbour and says,
"Close your curtains the next time you and your husband are naked. The whole
street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde replies,
"Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

The judge turns to the woman and says:
"I see you're divorcing your husband one the grounds he's an uncouth slob.
Can you give me an example of this?"
"Yes, your honour", replies the wife. "Whenever we go out, he always drinks
tea with his pinkie sticking out"
"There's nothing wrong with that madam, In fact, it's considered go do
manners in some circles to drink tea with the little finger sticking out,"
says the judge.
"But your honour" replies the woman " I wasn't talking about his finger."

Dance:
A Naval engagement without the loss of seamen.

Monday, October 01, 2012

50 Facts each of you to know...

1. The word "queue" is the only word in the English language that is still
pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed.

2. Beetles taste like apples, wasps like pine nuts, and worms like fried
bacon.

3. Of all the words in the English language, the word 'set' has the most
definitions!

4. Camel can spit.

5. "Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters
in alphabetical order.

6. "Rhythm" is the longest English word without a vowel.

7. In 1386, a pig in France was executed by public hanging for the murder of
a child

8. A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off!

9. Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

10. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath

11. There is a city called Rome on every continent.

12. It's against the law to have a pet dog in Iceland!

13. Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day!

14. Horatio Nelson, one of England's most illustrious admirals was
throughout his life, never able to find a cure for his sea-sickness.

15. The skeleton of Jeremy Bentham is present at all important meetings of
the University of London

16. Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people

17. Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, everytime you breathe!

18. The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump!

19 One quarter of the bones in your body, are in your feet!

20. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different!

21. The first known transfusion of blood was performed as early as 1667,
when Jean-Baptiste, transfused two pints of blood from a sheep to a young
man

22. Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails! Most dust
particles in your house are made from dead skin!

23. The present population of 6 billion plus people of the world is
predicted to become 16 billion by 2080.

24. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

25. Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian, and had only ONE testicle.

26. Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of
Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible.

27. Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."

28. Coca-Cola would be green if colouring werenâ€™t added to it.

29. On average a hedgehog's heart beats 300 times a minute.

30. More people are killed each year from bees than from snakes.

31. The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write
approximately 50,000 English words.

32. More people are allergic to cow's milk than any other food.

33. Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.

34. The placement of a donkey's eyes in its' heads enables it to see all
four feet at all times!

35. The six official languages of the United Nations are: English, French,
Arabic, Chinese, Russian and Spanish.

36. Earth is the only planet not named after a god.

37. It's against the law to burp, or sneeze in a church in Nebraska, USA.

38. You're born with 300 bones, but by the time you become an adult, you
only have 206.

39. Some worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food!

40. Dolphins sleep with one eye open!

41. It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open

42. The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old!

43 The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds

44. Queen Elizabeth I regarded herself as a paragon of cleanliness. She
declared that she bathed once every three months, whether she needed it or
not

45. Slugs have 4 noses.

46. Owls are the only birds who can see the colour blue.

47. A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years!

48. A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!

49. The average person laughs 10 times a day!

50. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain

XXX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young sailor from Munich
Who carried a sword 'neath his tunic.
The Fandango he tried,
And he severed his pride;
Now the sailor from Munich's a eunich

Creeping around to the bedroom window, the private detectives saw their
client's wife in bed with another man.
"Just as I suspected," said the first. "Let's go in after him."
"Great idea," the other replied. "How soon do you think he'll be finished?"

Her son was the only male who came out of her vagina.

A bloke and his bird walking home from an Australian pub one night start
screwing up against a fence.
Suddenly, the fence gives way and they both fall into a garden.
The house owner comes out, looks at them and says,
"You gonna pay for that?"
Bloke says to his bird,
"What do you think, go halves on the cost?" "F*ck off," says his bird, "I
was pushing the other way!"

What do you call a 400 pound woman who likes sex with both men and women? A
bisexual built for two.

A famous violinist noticed after a spectacular performance that a rather
pretty woman was waiting for him at the stage door.
He strikes up a acquaintance with her and goes to her apartment, where they
make love five times.
The next morning he says to her,
"You were a pretty good lay, so I'm going to give you two orchestra tickets
for my program tonight.
"Fie," says she, "I'm famished and have not even any bread here at home. If
I do this with you, it's to be able to put bread on the table for my
children."
"Bread you want?" said the fiddler, "If it's bread you want, you should be
screwing the baker!"

What do you call a guy who is sexually attracted to tramps?
A hobosexual

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink.
Walking up behind her he says,
"Hi, there, good looking'! How's it going'?"
Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him,
looked him straight in the eye and said,
"Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, front door, back
door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of
college. I just f*uck'n love it!"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,
"No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?

Confucius says,
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

One day Joe goes to the church and takes a seat in the confessional.
"Father," he says, "this week I have sinned forty three times."
"My son," the priest says, "this is a bad thing. Who did this happen with?"
"My wife, Jill," Joe answers.
"But that is not a sin," the priest says, "That is common behaviour in a
marriage."
"I know," Joe says with a smile, "I just wanted to tell someone."

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