Why Golf is better than sex - David Letterman

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons
Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....


#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of
beers.
#8. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7. Foursomes are encouraged.
#6. You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5. Three times a day IS possible.
#4. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#3. If you live in Florida , you can do it almost everyday.
#2. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex......
#1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XX ADULT PUNS!

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To smoke a little leaf,
Jack got high and dropped his fly,
And Jill said, "Where's The Beef?"

Two friends meet after many years.
They talk about their past life.
One asks the other,
"And how's your sex life?"
"As Coca-Cola"
"Oh great! Full of bubbles, he?"
"Nothing like that!. Before it was 'NORMAL', then it became 'LIGHT' and now
it is 'ZERO'!"

Bumper Sticker:
SUPPORT CANNIBALISM-EAT ME!

Two five-year-olds were on a picnic with their respective families.
They both wandered into the nearby woods to answer a call of nature.
The little girl squatted and did the necessary.
On her way back to the picnic grounds, she ran across the little boy who was
relieving himself against a tree. "Wow" she said with rounded eyes, "what a
handy gadget to take on a picnic!"

A newborn was born in Oregon last week without eyelids.
The doctor took the kid's foreskin and fashioned eyelids.
Everything turned out okay, but the kid was a little cockeyed.

A Bulgarian tourist visiting America was interested in all types of American
games.
When he returned home, his friends asked him to describe the things he saw.
"One interesting game I witnessed," he said, "was one called, 'Oh Shit!' One
fellow stands on a stage and calls out things like, 'G-4, N-44, etc'. After
awhile, someone in the audience calls out, 'Bingo!' and the rest of the
crowd yells, 'Oh shit!'"

I'm not saying she's easy
But
she's been mounted more often than Trigger.

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a
sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles a few feet across the store
to the counter.
Finally, arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she
askes the sales clerk:
"Dddooo youuuuu hhhave dddddillllldossss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing replies:
"Yes, we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks:
"Ddddddooooo yyyouuuu cccaarryy AAA pppinkkkk onnneee, tttteenn inchessssss
llllongg aannddd abbbouttt ttwwoo inchessss ththiickk aaaand rruunns byyy
bbaatteriess?"
The clerk responds,
"Yes we do."
The old lady asks:
"Dddddoooo yyooooouuuuu kknnnoooww hhhowwww tttooo ttturttnnn ttthe
sssunoooooffabbbitchhhh offfffff?"

A guy is sitting at a bar when he sees this gorgeous young woman sitting
alone.
He decides to go over and chat with her.
"You're wasting your time, I'm only interested in women" said the girl.
"Oh come on, I bet I can change your mind" said the guy.
After ten minutes of his pestering her, she said
"Okay, I'll sleep with you if you can do anything for me that my vibrator
can't! But if you can't, you'll leave me alone."
"Deal! Bartender, get this lady a drink."
Then he turned to her and said.
"Let's see your vibrator do that?"

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"

A group of cowboys were out on the range branding some cattle.
While they were away the new cook saw a sheep tied to a post.
Thinking it was for that night's dinner he slaughtered the sheep, and cooked
it.
That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook.
He pulled one aside and asked,
"Did I screw up the cooking"
"No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."

At the Senior Citizens Centre they had a contest the other day.
I lost by one point:
The question was:
Where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa!
Who knew?

Nigel goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says,
"Nigel, I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."
Nigel is devastated.
"Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says,
"I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage,
20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts
and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of
prune juice."
Nigel asks,
"Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is
for."

I'm not saying she's easy
But
she's been boarded more times than Amtrak.

A guy sees his best friend on the street.
The friend is wearing a flamboyant outfit, Lime colored trousers, a puff
sleeved, lavender shirt, a puce ascot, etc.
So, he asks his friend,
"What in the world is wrong with you?"
"Oh, my wife," the friend replies.
"Your wife?" queries the first guy.
"Yea. I saw an ad in the paper for Cox's Men's Store. They were having a
great sale on seersucker suits. So, I told her, go to Cox's and buy me one
of those seersucker suits. So what does she do? She goes to Sears.

"When I realized that I couldn't satisfy my wife's insatiable sex appetite,"
the man said to his drinking buddy, "I bought her quite an assortment of
every sex toy made, thinking that would keep her faithful."
"Did it work?" asked the friend.
"Well, kinda." the man replied. "But now, every time I do feel like a
little, I find myself 2nd or 3rd in line."

Good:
You came home for a quickie.
Bad:
Your wife walks in.
Worse;
You're with her mother

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars.
The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient.
So, recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick
it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back
with all the others in such a fasion as you can't tell which one it is. The
aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is
the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it."
And he did.
But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.
"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even
in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my
addiction," said the patient.
"What in the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night
unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass!"

Making Love:
Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Telling a Lie is a .......

Telling a lie is a -
Sin for a child.
Fault for an adult.
An art for a lover.
A profession for a lawyer.
A requirement for a politician.
An accomplishment for a bachelor.
A Management tool for a Boss.
An excuse for a subordinate and
A Matter of Survival for a married man.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XX ADULT PUNS!

It seemed all was well for old Bill
For the night was romantic and still.
She was warm, she was waiting,
She was ripe for the mating
But alas! She was not on the pill.

Annie and Sam were on the brink of divorce, so they went to visit a marriage
counselor.
The counselor asked Annie about the problem.
She responded,
"Sam suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turned to Sam and inquired,
"Is that true?"
Sam replied,
"Well, not exactly. She's the one that suffers, not me."

A baby conceived on the back seat of a car with automatic transmission
Will grow up to be a shiftless bastard.

Following a tragic shipwreck in the Mediterranean, the body of an attractive
young woman was washed up on the beach near St. Tropez.
The gendarme who came across it during his rounds went off to contact the
coroner's office, and when he came back he was horrified to find his best
friend on top of the corpse, going at is as hard as he could.
"Pierre, Pierre!" shouted the gendarme. "That woman! She is dead!"
"Dead!" howled Pierre jumping up. "Sacre bleu! I took her for an English
lady!"

Please tell your pants
Its not polite to point.

A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town
to do chores.
"That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of
the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I
want him to impregnate."
Satisfied that his wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left
for town.
That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him
out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.
"This is the cow right here," she tells him.
"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.
Replies the wife,
"I guess it's to hang up your pants."

Gentleman:
One who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows.

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage
bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is
flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady, "I'd better go back and see if I can still
find some. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop.
"How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the
parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans
come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand
behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his
little thingie through the bushes, I say, "$20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop.
"OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up."

"Daddy, what does a pussy look like after sex?"
"Son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus.
The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.
Finally, one woman turned to the other and said,
"You know, I've been sitting here so long, my ass fell asleep!"
The other woman turned to her and said,
"I know! I heard it snoring!"

Good:
Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad:
You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse:
You're in them.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XXX ADULT PUNS!

An ancient Rabbi from Peru,
Took his wife in the bedroom to screw,
But she said, "Oh vey!
If you keep on this way,
The Messiah will come before you!"

A woman goes to a truck yard to get a job as a truck driver in construction.
The head foreman says:
"I don't know lady. You'd be the first woman. Before I can hire you I'll
have to see if you fit in with the guys. I have three questions for you. Do
you drink?"
She replies,
"At least a six-pack a day"
"Do you swear?"
"All the damn time!"
"OK, then, I got only one more question. You ever been picked up by the
fuzz?"
"No, but I've been swung around by my tits a few times!"

What do you get when you cross a Wall Street brokerage with a BDSM brothel?
A business for stocks and bondage.

At one ad agency, a guy in production was fired when they discovered he was
The Xerox Flasher.
Every morning, he Xeroxed his privates, made copies & left them in the
secretaries' desks.
The boss said,
"Hell, he's the only person in the building who isn't guilty of false
advertising!"
His secretary said,
"Well, not exactly."
He said,
"Oh God! Don't tell me!"
She said,
"Yes, sir. He was using the enlarger."

Adultery:
The wrong people doing the right thing.

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest,
"I had an affair with a woman - almost."
The priest says,
"What do you mean, 'almost'?"
The man says,
"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest replies,
"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that
woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over
to the poor box.
He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says,
"I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied,
"Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as
putting it in!"

"I've got to renew my prescription of birth control pills. I can't afford to
get pregnant!"
"But I thought your husband had a vasectomy."
"He did. That's why I can't afford to get pregnant!"

The husband was perusing a detailed sex manual and his wife asked him why.
He replied that he was tired of being in the same old rut.
"But I don't understand," she protested, "I thought we had a very good sex
life."
"Well," replied the husband, "let me put it to you another way."

What is the difference between medium and rare? Six inches is medium, eight
inches is rare.

I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and e-mails
have long forgotten the art of capitalization.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the
following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between
Helping your Uncle Jack off a horse,
And
Helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that?

Good:
Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad:
You can't find your birth control pills
Worse:
Your daughter borrowed them

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Irish Joke

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes
out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon
and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid
around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get
my urine tested for sugar."

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Short, but GOOD!!!

An Israeli arrives at London 's Heathrow airport

As he fills out the entry form,

the immigration officer asks him: "Occupation? "

The Israeli promptly replies: "No, no, just visiting!"

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XXX ADULT PUNS!

An amorous sailor of Brighton,
Said to his fave girl, "You're a tight'un!"
She said, "'pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole,
And there's plenty of room in the right'un!"

Every day Little Johnny went to the park and sat on the park bench to
watch the squirrels climb the tree.
One day, while Little Johnny was sitting on the park bench, Susie
walked by and unzipped Little Johnny's fly.
He went home and told his mother about it and she said,
"Tell the little girl not to do that again because you have a mouse in
your pants."
The following day Little Johnny was sitting there and Susie did the
same thing again.
As his mother told him, Little Johnny exclaimed
"Don't do that because I have a mouse in my pants."
At that remark, Susie lifted her skirt and said,
"Go get 'em Pussy."

Did you hear about the inventive girl who somehow wired her personal
vibrator to her bedside FM set and came up with the world's first
radio alarm cock?

An elderly blonde plunked two buckets of quarters down in front a
teller at the bank.
The teller, unsure how to handle so much loose change, called the manager.
The manager started to berate the woman for hoarding so many quarters.
She gave him a long hard look and said,
"I didn't hoard all of these. My sister whored half, and I whored the
other half."

A birth control pill for men, that's fair.
It makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a
bullet-proof vest.

A woman was walking down the street when she was stopped by a man who
was carrying out a survey.
"Excuse me, madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex."
"Really!" said the woman smiling.
"Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the television?"
"Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable,
especially when you've got a vase stuck up your ass!"

The best thing to come out of a penis when you stroke it is the wrinkles.

The pretty young schoolteacher was concerned about one of her
eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked,
"Victor, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"
"I can't concentrate," replied the lad. "I think I've fallen in love."
"Is that so?" said the teacher, holding back an urge to smile. "And with whom?"
"With you," he answered.
"But Victor," exclaimed the secretly pleased young lady, "Don't you
see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own
someday, but not a child!"
"Oh, don't worry," said Victor reassuringly. "I'll be careful."

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to
asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"

It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman,
It doesn't matter if its Visa or MasterCard.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XX ADULT PUNS!

It was the first time that they had made love.
They were fondling each other intimately.
She had his donger in her hand...
"What do you call it?" She asked.
"Some blokes call theirs Dick or Peter, John Thomas or Willie."
"What do you call yours?"
"I don't have to call mine anything," he replied. "It usually 'cums'
without being called."

What sex toy might be a suitable surrogate partner for a suicide bomber?
A Blow-Up Doll!

A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers,
"Thank you honey. What would you like me to bring back for you?"
The husband laughs and says,
"An English girl!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later, he picks her up in the airport and asks,
"So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?"
"What I asked for. The English girl."
"Oh, that? Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait 9 months to
see if it is a girl."

I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.
They're brilliant.
It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex.

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new
doctor is young, female, and drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed.
She said,
"Don't worry, I am a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell
me what's wrong, and I'll check it out."
I said,
"My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny."

Horse Show:
A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses' asses showing
their horses.

One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's
wearing a diamond necklace.
He asks his wife,
"Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies,
"I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet.
Her husband asks,
"Where did you get the bracelet?"
She replies,
"I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a
mink coat.
He says,
"I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?"
She replies,
"Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is
only one inch of water in the tub.
She yells to her husband,
"HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub!"
He replies,
"I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet!"

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message
claiming that she loves anal.
Dyslexic bitch.
It turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend.

Tired of sitting at home every night, an ugly single heiress decided
to take out a personal ad.
"Rich, sex-crazed, admittedly not good-looking woman wants man for
quiet liaisons," she wrote.
She then sat by the mailbox and waited for a response.
Lo and behold, the day after the ad appeared she received an express-mail reply.
Her heart thumping in her throat, she tore open the envelope.
Looking on, the girl's mother asked, "
So? Who's it from?"
Her expression dour, the young woman replied,
"Daddy."

Life is like a penis.
Soft and hanging freely.
It's women that make it hard.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

born Black

Nominated by UN as the best Poem Written by an African Kid

When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black :
When I go in Sun, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black

And you white fellow
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you grey
And you calling me colored??

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XX ADULT PUNS!

There once was a man from Havana,
Screwed a girl on a player pee-yana,
At the height of their fever,
Her ass hit the lever,
And yes, he has no banana!

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet
like his daddy.
He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim.
Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets out a scream.
His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his
genitals and howling.
He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles,
"K-k-k-k-kiss it. {sniff} Make it better."
Little Johnny's mother shouts,
"Don't start your father's shit with me!"

Dictaphone:
Instrument for making obscene calls.

A sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond
cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his
boots.
He arrests the man for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks,
"Why in the world are you walking around like this?"
The cowboy says,
"Well it's like this, sheriff. I was in this bar down the road and this
purdy little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt. So
I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants. So I
did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts. So I
did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go
to town, cowboy.' And here I am."

Sex is a lot like doing laundry,
If you have a small load,
Do it by hand!

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating
a snack cake.
The barber says to her,
"Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says,
"Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

My love life is terrible.
The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

Sylvester was a sprightly ninety years of age when he married Elizabeth, who
was a resoundingly ripe eighteen-year-old. As they prepared for bed on their
wedding night, he asked her:
"Tell me, sweet child, did your mother tell you the facts of life?"
She blushed furiously from her hairline to the tips of her toes.
"No," she shyly murmured.
"That's a great pity," he said, "because I'm afraid I've forgotten them."

It was the young Englishman's first visit to Las Vegas and in his innocence,
he sought lodging in the city's red-light district. His money, however, was
as green as his outlook, and the madam gladly offered him a room for the
night.
When a friend questioned him about his accommodations over lunch the
following day, the young Briton replied,
"Well, the room was very pretentious, you know, but gad, what maid service!"

Eternity:
The length of time between when you come and she leaves.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Secret To A Long Marriage

An Indian Secret to a 50 year long marriage!

At The Swami Narayan Temple in Neasden London, they have weekly husband's
marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Popatbhai, who said he was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share
some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all
these years.

Popatbhai replied to the assembled husbands, 'Well, I've tried to treat her
nice, spend money on her, but best of all is, I took her to Bombay, India
for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, "Popat bhai, you are an amazing inspiration to all the
husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your
50th anniversary?"

Popatbhai proudly replied, "I'm going back to Bombay to pick her up."

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XXX Adult Humour time

The wife said to me last night,
''If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the ass"
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first?

Son said to Dad,
''I'm gay.''
Dad looks at his other son and said,
''What about you?''
Other son said,
''Me too, Dad.''
Dad said,
"Shit me, doesn't anyone in this family like pussy?
Daughter said,
''I do!''


Dear Abbie.
I was watching my next door neighbour's 14 year old daughter sunbathing from
my bedroom window.
The sight got too much for me and I started knocking one out.
I had just finished and was wiping my knob on the curtains when I noticed my
wife standing in the bedroom door.
She had watched me from start to finish without saying a word.
Is she a pervert?

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XXX ADULT PUNS!

Confucius says man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

While redecorating my bathroom, I phoned a shop to see if it stocked a
particular model of toilet.
"We haven't got one of this here," said the clerk.
"Oh, no!" I said, crestfallen.
His number had been the fourth one I'd called.
"Don't worry," he added helpfully. "I'll contact our other outlets to see if
there's anybody out there sitting on one."

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Two cuties were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends.
The first said,
"He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive
jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis
bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."
"Impressive." said the second young thing.
"Well, yes." the first agreed. "But the downside was that with all those
carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit ."

I wouldn't want to fly Virgin.
Who'd want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way?

Dave sold strawberries off his truck out in the suburbs.
He knocked on the door of a house.
"Wanna buy some strawberries?"
"Come around the back," answered the pretty young blonde.
Dave walked to the rear, rang the bell, and the woman opened the door.
To Dave's shock, she stood there stark naked.
Not a stitch of clothes on.
Dave started to cry.
"What's the matter?" asked the blonde.
"Today, my wife ran away with my best friend," explained Dave, "I lost three
thousand dollars on the stock market, and now you're gonna screw me out of
my strawberries."

SPRING FEVER -
When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil.

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his
wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says
"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want
to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

"My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week."
"Why is that?"
"I've been screwing his wife."

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Recognition

'Muslims do not recognise Jews as God's chosen people
Jews do not recognise Jesus as the Messiah,
Protestants do not recognise the Pope as the leader of the christian world,
Baptists do not recognise each other at the liquor store'!

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XX ADULT PUNS!

A popular house of ill repute was visited by a lesbian.
The woman requested a 15 year old, and the madam replied,
"I'm sorry, we don't serve minors to lickers."

A lady and a gentleman were arguing on every subject they discussed.
Said the lady,
"Sir, we cannot agree on a single thing."
"You are wrong, Madam," he said. "If you should go into a room in which
there were two beds, one with a woman in it and the other with a man in it,
with whom would you sleep?"
"Why, with the lady, of course."
"You see; so would I."

The 69 position is like driving in rush hour,
An asshole is always in front of you!

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his
friend is very well endowed.
"Damn Bob, you're hung!"
Jim exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."
"What do you mean?" Jim asked.
"Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing
it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4
inches! You should try it."
Jim agrees and the two say good bye.
A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how
his situation was.
Jim replied,
"I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller -- I lost two
inches already!"
"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"
"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."
"Crisco?" Bob exclaimed, "Dammit Jim, Crisco is shortening,"

Most women prefer old gynaecologists because they have shaky hands.

After an evening at the theater and several nightcaps at an intimate little
bistro, the young man whispered to his date,
"How do you feel about making love to a man?"
"That's my business," she snapped.
"Ah," he said. "A professional!"

He's a real humanitarian.
He just opened a halfway house for girls who won't go all the way.

We did sex education at school, and were shown various films on the subject.
One I especially remember was called, 'How To Put On A Condom'.
So, when the time came, and I was in the position to try out what I had
learned at school, I took the condom and followed the instructions from the
video.
All was going well, until she said,
"So, now what do we do with the banana?"

Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

A young woman was walking in the park one day when she came across a frog.
She picked it up and decided to take it home with her.
Later that night, she kissed it, and put it under her pillow and the next
morning when she awoke, the frog was gone and there was a handsome young man
sleeping beside her!
She could not believe it!
Given the screaming and yelling a bit later, apparently neither did her
mother and father!

DONKEY BARBECUE:
Where everybody gets a piece of ass.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Father of the Nation

God decided to encourage people to have fewer children and introduced an
award scheme… During the procedure at one point, he concentrated on learning
about the situation in India:

He first met Jawaharlal Nehru in heaven, and asked him how many children
he had during his time on earth. Nehru replied… only one!

Happy with the relatively good family planning adopted, God awarded Nehru
with a Celestial Rolls Royce!

Indira Gandhi was next, and God asked the same question. She replied she
had two children, and God thought, not too bad, so he gave her a BMW.

Dr. Radhakrishnan was next in line. God was not pleased to hear that he had
six children, and gave him a Morris-8 as a kind of punishment…

Sometime later, the three (Nehru, Indira and Radhakrishnan) were going
around in their new cars, saw Mahatma Gandhi on foot!!!

Wondering what went wrong; they asked him why God hadn't been merciful with
him…

The Mahatma replied in disgust, "God did not even ask me!!! Some idiots had
told him that I am the father of the whole Indian nation!"

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

A Good Jewish Story

A Jewish businessman in Chicago decided to send his son to Israel to
absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the
father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had
a great time in Israel . By the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?" He decided to go ask his
friend Jacob what to do.



Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel , and he
also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask
him what we should do." So they went to see the rabbi.

The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel .
He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people?



Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."

The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons
and asked God what to do.

Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said,
"Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel . . . .

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Condom

In 1272 - the Irish invented the condom, using a goats lower intestine.

In 1873 - the English somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of
the goat first.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Alive

An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best
And just remember,
If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife....'

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

HUMOUR from Great Minds

"As you get older three things happen.
The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
"Sir Norman Wisdom


"One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman
That even a bargain costs money."
Edgar Watson Howe


"A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your
success!"
Doug Larson

"A harmful truth is always better then..a useful lie!"
Eric Bolton


"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way,
So, I stole one and asked him to forgive me."
Erno Philips


"I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.
"Robert Paul


"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to
walk and talk
And the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."
Phyllis Diller


"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
Victor Borge


"Start every day with a smile and get it over with."
W.C. Fields


"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."
Will Rogers


"Always get married early in the morning.
That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day."
Mickey Rooney


"Women now have choices.
They can be married,
Not married,
Have a job,
Not have a job,
Be married with children,
Unmarried with children.
Men have the same choice we've always had:
Work or prison."
Tim Allen


"I'm not afraid to die.
I just don't want to be there when it happens."
Woody Allen

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we
didn't."
Erica Jong


"Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive."
Elbert Hubbard


"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."
Wendell Johnson


"In life, it's not who you know that's important,
it's how your wife found out."
Joey Adams


"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years.
If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
Henry Youngman


"Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already
born?"
Benny Hill

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XX ADULT PUNS!

There once was a couple named Kelly
Who walked around belly-to-belly.
It seems in their haste,
They used Carter's paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.

They call a sister a nun
Because
She ain't never had nun,
Doesn't never want nun,
And
Ain't never going to get nun.

A woman was complaining to the neighbours that her husband always came home
late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband
came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out, 'Is
that you, Jim?' and that cured him."
"Cured him," asked the woman. "But how?"
The neighbour said,
"You see, his name is Bill."

The teacher asked Johnny to make a sentence using the math terms add,
subtract, divide, and multiply.
He said,
"To have sex, you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and
hope you don't multiply.

The petite young blonde was being interviewed for a rather high-level
executive position in the advertising agency.
Finally, the interviewer concluded with,
"I like your style, Miss Benson. I think you'll do just fine. All we ask is
that you put out."
"Errr, uhh, err, sir." she said, somewhat taken aback. "Are you referring to
work or sex?"
"Well, little lady," he replied, "around here, if you don't do one, you had
better be doing the other."


Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always after the
girl to quit smoking.
One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said,
"You really ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said,
"I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."
He replied,
"But they'll stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he had never.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said,
"So, what's your excuse then?"

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Politically Incorrect but PRICELESS - Fully worth reading !

A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the
altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly.
The pilot speaks over the intercom ..." I'm sorry it has come
to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to
jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne ".

Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's altitude continues
to decrease. Once again the pilot gets on the intercom, "I hate to do
this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to
start off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this
Alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'".

"Africans? Are there any Africans on board?"There was no
answer so the pilot calls, "Black people, are there any black people on
board?"
Again silence.

" C - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?"

Still there is silence.
A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother
and said, "Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we black? Ain't we coloured?"

She replied, "Yes, son but for the moment we is Niggers. Let
them do the Muslims first. If that don't work we is Zulus"......

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XX ADULT PUNS!

There's a tavern in London that's staffed,
By a barmaid who's tops at her craft:
In her striving to please,
She serves ale on her knees,
So the patrons get head with their draft.

A guy got chatting to a girl in a club:
"Can I buy you a drink?", he asked.
"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have
girlfriends."
"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago." he assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine
please."
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her
place and made passionate love.
While he was putting his clothes back on she said,
"So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on
earth did you split with your girlfriend?"
He said,
"My wife found out"

What do rednecks do for Halloween?
Pump kin.

During a lull in the rehearsal the groom and best man, two long time friends
and playboys, began to compare conquests. The groom, looking out over the
crowd, said to his best man,
"You know Bill, except for my wife to be, my two sisters and my mother, I've
made love to every woman in this room."
To which his friend responded,
"Well then, between the two of us we've had them all!"

Does the career advice,
"Come early on your first day" apply in the porn business?

A guy stops by to visit his friend.
They talk for a while and then the friend asks,
"My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go upstairs and get me my
sneakers please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs.
There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking.
Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says,
"Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say,
"That can't be!"
He replies,
"OK, let's check!"
He shouts at his friend down the stairs,
"Both of them?"
The father shouts back,
"Yes, both of them!"

Bumper Sticker:
To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

A woman phones her blonde neighbour and says,
"Close your curtains the next time you and your husband are naked. The whole
street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde replies,
"Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

The judge turns to the woman and says:
"I see you're divorcing your husband one the grounds he's an uncouth slob.
Can you give me an example of this?"
"Yes, your honour", replies the wife. "Whenever we go out, he always drinks
tea with his pinkie sticking out"
"There's nothing wrong with that madam, In fact, it's considered go do
manners in some circles to drink tea with the little finger sticking out,"
says the judge.
"But your honour" replies the woman " I wasn't talking about his finger."

Dance:
A Naval engagement without the loss of seamen.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

50 Facts each of you to know...

1. The word "queue" is the only word in the English language that is still
pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed.

2. Beetles taste like apples, wasps like pine nuts, and worms like fried
bacon.

3. Of all the words in the English language, the word 'set' has the most
definitions!

4. Camel can spit.

5. "Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters
in alphabetical order.

6. "Rhythm" is the longest English word without a vowel.

7. In 1386, a pig in France was executed by public hanging for the murder of
a child

8. A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off!

9. Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

10. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath

11. There is a city called Rome on every continent.

12. It's against the law to have a pet dog in Iceland!

13. Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day!

14. Horatio Nelson, one of England's most illustrious admirals was
throughout his life, never able to find a cure for his sea-sickness.

15. The skeleton of Jeremy Bentham is present at all important meetings of
the University of London

16. Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people

17. Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, everytime you breathe!

18. The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump!

19 One quarter of the bones in your body, are in your feet!

20. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different!

21. The first known transfusion of blood was performed as early as 1667,
when Jean-Baptiste, transfused two pints of blood from a sheep to a young
man

22. Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails! Most dust
particles in your house are made from dead skin!

23. The present population of 6 billion plus people of the world is
predicted to become 16 billion by 2080.

24. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

25. Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian, and had only ONE testicle.

26. Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of
Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible.

27. Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."

28. Coca-Cola would be green if colouring weren’t added to it.

29. On average a hedgehog's heart beats 300 times a minute.

30. More people are killed each year from bees than from snakes.

31. The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write
approximately 50,000 English words.

32. More people are allergic to cow's milk than any other food.

33. Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.

34. The placement of a donkey's eyes in its' heads enables it to see all
four feet at all times!

35. The six official languages of the United Nations are: English, French,
Arabic, Chinese, Russian and Spanish.

36. Earth is the only planet not named after a god.

37. It's against the law to burp, or sneeze in a church in Nebraska, USA.

38. You're born with 300 bones, but by the time you become an adult, you
only have 206.

39. Some worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food!

40. Dolphins sleep with one eye open!

41. It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open

42. The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old!

43 The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds

44. Queen Elizabeth I regarded herself as a paragon of cleanliness. She
declared that she bathed once every three months, whether she needed it or
not

45. Slugs have 4 noses.

46. Owls are the only birds who can see the colour blue.

47. A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years!

48. A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!

49. The average person laughs 10 times a day!

50. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XXX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young sailor from Munich
Who carried a sword 'neath his tunic.
The Fandango he tried,
And he severed his pride;
Now the sailor from Munich's a eunich

Creeping around to the bedroom window, the private detectives saw their
client's wife in bed with another man.
"Just as I suspected," said the first. "Let's go in after him."
"Great idea," the other replied. "How soon do you think he'll be finished?"

Her son was the only male who came out of her vagina.

A bloke and his bird walking home from an Australian pub one night start
screwing up against a fence.
Suddenly, the fence gives way and they both fall into a garden.
The house owner comes out, looks at them and says,
"You gonna pay for that?"
Bloke says to his bird,
"What do you think, go halves on the cost?" "F*ck off," says his bird, "I
was pushing the other way!"

What do you call a 400 pound woman who likes sex with both men and women? A
bisexual built for two.

A famous violinist noticed after a spectacular performance that a rather
pretty woman was waiting for him at the stage door.
He strikes up a acquaintance with her and goes to her apartment, where they
make love five times.
The next morning he says to her,
"You were a pretty good lay, so I'm going to give you two orchestra tickets
for my program tonight.
"Fie," says she, "I'm famished and have not even any bread here at home. If
I do this with you, it's to be able to put bread on the table for my
children."
"Bread you want?" said the fiddler, "If it's bread you want, you should be
screwing the baker!"

What do you call a guy who is sexually attracted to tramps?
A hobosexual

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink.
Walking up behind her he says,
"Hi, there, good looking'! How's it going'?"
Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him,
looked him straight in the eye and said,
"Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, front door, back
door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of
college. I just f*uck'n love it!"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,
"No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?

Confucius says,
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

One day Joe goes to the church and takes a seat in the confessional.
"Father," he says, "this week I have sinned forty three times."
"My son," the priest says, "this is a bad thing. Who did this happen with?"
"My wife, Jill," Joe answers.
"But that is not a sin," the priest says, "That is common behaviour in a
marriage."
"I know," Joe says with a smile, "I just wanted to tell someone."

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XXX ADULT PUNS!

There was old guy named Lee,
Who was stung in the balls by a bee,
He made oodles of money,
By oozing pure honey,
Every time he attempted to pee.

A new study concludes,
"Sex decreases the incidence of airborne viral infections.
The more sex you have, the less chance you have of getting a cold."
Now every time a woman sneezes, I hear someone say,
"Hey, I got something for that."

If you drink
Don't park,
Accidents cause people.

Confucius Says:
Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grows up to
be shiftless bastard.


ADULTERY:
The wrong people doing the right thing.

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks,
"Do you still get horny?"
The other replies,
"Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks,
"What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies,
"I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
"Who drives you to the beach?"

A drunk was staggering through the park and saw a young athlete doing
pushups.
"Wash the matter, Mac?" inquired the lush. "Lose your girl?"

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said,
"I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can
do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife .
"Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the Doctor said. "Now turn all the
way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes
back on."
The doctor took the husband aside.
"You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection
either."

A game show contestant mooned the camera.
His ass was in Jeopardy!

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XXX ADULT PUNS!

A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire.
He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap.
After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says,
"You wanna screwdriver?"
He says,
"Hell, we might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off anyway."

Does the career advice,
"Come early on your first day"
Apply in the porn business?


I asked my friend what sign he was born under and he said he was conceived
under the "No Parking" sign.

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!

Sign in a pharmacy window:
FOR THE MAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING-PENICILLIN.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XX ADULT PUNS!

Martinis, my girl, are deceiving:
Take two at the very most.
Take three and you're under the table.

A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients.
The gifts were sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the lawyer's
name.
One of the recipients sent an email of thanks back to the lawyer saying,
"That's the first time I've ever had a lawyer buy the balls."


What is worse than a piano out of tune?
An organ that goes flat in the middle of a piece.

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and after
dining in the restaurant, he invited the waitress called Julie up to his
room for drinks.
After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded
him he was a holy man.
"It's O. K.," he replied. "It's written in the bible."
So, after a wild night of sex the waitress asked to see where in the bible
it says it's okay.
The priest picks up the bible off the dresser opens to the first page where
someone had written in pencil,
"Julie, the dining room waitress puts out!"

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XX ADULT PUNS!

A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, with which, and to whom.

I thought I was being pretty funny, initiating sex by telling my wife,
"Prepare to be invaded by the Mongol hordes!" -- until I discovered she had
built a Great Wall of Vagina to keep me out.


Gesundheit:
What the guy said about how he fit into the virgin.

Did you hear about the game show contestant who mooned the camera?
His ass was in Jeopardy!

As Mark fixed himself a martini to carry him through the ordeal of waiting
while Peggy got ready for their date, he could hear her singing in the
shower.
"Sorry I'm so late," she finally called out to him, "but I was shopping and
lost track of the time."
Clutching a large towel about her, she edged into the room.
"Would you like to see me in my new dress?" she asked.
Mark took appreciative note of her newly bathed charms straining at the
confines of the barely adequate towel.
"I would like," he said with a smile, "nothing better."

One of my favourite activities is surfing the net while sitting stark naked
in my chair.
I'm still not sure why they fired me, though, because I only did it during
my break.

A man was shopping in the men's department at Blooming dale's when he
noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.
He went up to her and said,
"Good morning, madam."
She smiled pleasantly and asked,
"And what would you like?"
"What would I like? I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you
tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run
my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to
your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning
your blouse with my teeth. And then I'd like to suck on your beautiful tits
and bite your nipples lightly. But what I came to buy is a new tie."

Why is being in the military like a blow job?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XXX ADULT PUNS!

"There once was a guy from El Doot,
Who found seven huge warts on his root,
He put acid on these,
And now, when he pees,
He's got to finger the thing like a flute."

If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's
children would actually have had to have sex with one another for the earth
to have become populated.
This is surely proof positive that Alabama was at one time the Garden of
Eden.

Constipated people don't give a shit.

They made an attractive couple in the swank restaurant,
He handsome, dressed in a hand-tailored suit, obviously well to do, and she
ravishing, shapely, and obviously quite hungry.
It was their first date.
"So, Margaret," he said. "What would you like?"
She scanned the menu with an experienced eye.
"To begin," she said, "I'd like a champagne cocktail, then a dozen
blue-point oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup.
For the entrees I'll have the filet of Dover sole aux chapignons followed by
the pheasant under glass.
Pommes de Terre Lyonnaises, plus an a la carte order of asparagus would be
nice, too.
And I'll have the tarragon oil dressing on the salad.
For dessert I'd like a great big plate of profiteroles, a few petits-fours,
and a large cognac, X.O.
That should do it."
Somewhat taken aback, the man smiled and asked,
"Do you eat like this at home?"
Margaret favoured him with a lazy grin.
"No," she said. "But then, nobody at home wants to sleep with me."

A farmer outside of Kingman, Kansas has made history by growing a field of
dildos!
Unfortunately,
he's had a lot of trouble with squatters.

If I ever had to choose between having sex with a beautiful woman and a
monkey,
I'd choose the monkey, because I'm sure there will be other times to have
sex with a woman, but come on, how often do you get to have sex with a
monkey?

What do you call a guy with a one inch penis?
Justin.

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says,
"And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
phones her.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
"What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 1 minute and 15 seconds every 6
months is going to shift this beer belly.

Arriving for her artificial insemination, Mrs. Aldiss was surprised when the
attendant locked the door behind them and began taking off his clothes.
"And just what do you think you're doing?" she demanded.
"Sorry," said the young man, "but we're all out of the bottled stuff. I've
got to give you draft."

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XX Male Anatomy

Three British educational institutions were commissioned by the
government to discover why the human penis is the shaped the way it
is.

Oxford University allocated a budget of ₤500,000 for research. After 2
years they concluded that the reason the head of the penis is wider
than the shaft is that it fits better, when in situ, so to speak. This
would prevent leakage of semen and increase the probability of
successful fertilisation.

Cambridge University spent ₤750,000 on a research programme that
lasted 3 years. The results showed that the penis widened near the tip
because it maximised the number of nerve endings stimulated during
sex. This would lead to increased sensitivity and a better chance of
impregnation.

Finally, the Open University spent ₤2.50 on a copy of Playboy and 10
minutes in the staff toilet, only to discover that the penis widens at
the tip in order to prevent your hand from slipping off the end.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XX Boobs In Church!

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he
noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her
boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the
flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after
everyone else left the church.

When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice.

"Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why reverend," the young woman replied, "all of my boyfriends tell me
that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my
breasts."

"Hmm. Well let me check," said the reverend, placing his head between her
tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said, "I don't hear
any angels singing!"
"Of course not, Reverend," she said. "You're not plugged in yet."

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Philosophy Class

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after
a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already
seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped
it on top of his desk and wrote on the board:

"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair
does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled
in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour
attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the
class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

A week later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group
wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written
anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XX ADULT PUNS!

A scream from the crypt of St. Giles
Resounded for miles upon miles.
Said the friar, "Good gracious,
The brother Ignatious
Forgeteth the abbot hath piles."

If you don't believe in oral sex,
Keep your mouth shut.

A man asked his neighbour how he kept his car looking so nice and glossy.
The neighbour replied that his wife gave him all her worn out panties and he
used these to polish his car with.
Being a bachelor, he decided to ask his stenographer for some of hers,
So, one day at the office he asked:
"By the way, Miss Jones, what do you do with your panties when you wear them
out?"
"Why," she replied demurely, "If I can find them afterwards, I put them back
on again!"

What do you call an eighty year old impotent sailor?
A salt with a dead weapon.

A local prostitute was brought before the court of Queen's Bench for
solicitation.
The judge was surprised to discover that the young woman was claiming not
guilty when police had caught her in the act.
The judge questioned her, expressing her surprise.
"I am celibate." the young woman declared.
"Celibate?" the judge asked, wide-eyed.
"How can you claim you are celibate?"
"It is my business to be celibate. I sell a bit here, I sell a bit there."

Impotence:
Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

In the traditional ocean-liner interview, the reporter said to the glamorous
movie queen,
"I understand you were courted by many European noblemen during your four
weeks abroad."
"That's right, honey," she replied, hiking her skirt still higher and
smiling into the flashing cameras.
"I managed to make every second count

What's the worst thing you can say to a man who complains that his wife is
frigid?
"No, she isn't"

One day there were two boys playing by a stream.
One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy
couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy
went over to the bush and looked.
The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam.
All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his
friend.
Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.
The boy said to his friend,
"My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt
something getting hard, so I ran."

"I always worry when you leave for a weekend with the guys," sobbed the
pretty young wife.
"Don't worry about me, babe," he soothed her. "I'll be back before you know
it."
"I know," she sighed. "That's what worries me."

One of our favourite bartenders told us about a very proper Englishman who
came into his place a couple of weeks ago.
The fellow sat down at the bar, but didn't order.
The bartender, an unusually friendly guy, asked him if he couldn't fix him a
drink, on the house.
The Englishman shook his head.
"Tried liquor once," he said. "Didn't like it."
The bartender then offered the Englishman a cigarette.
"No, thank you," he said. "Tried tobacco once. Didn't like it."
Still trying to be friendly, the bartender asked the Englishman if he would
like to join a couple of friends seated at the bar in a few hands of poker.
The Englishman shook his head.
"Tried gambling once. Didn't like it. I wouldn't be sitting in this place at
all, but I promised my son I would meet him here."
"I see," said the bartender. "Your only child?"

"How many beers does it take to make you dizzy?" he asked.
"Four or five," she retorted. "And don't call me 'dizzy'!"

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XX ADULT PUNS!

When a horse-playing golfer named Trey
Goosed a girl in the rough one fine day
He found her, though willing,
Just barely fulfilling,
"I would rate her," said Trey, "a par lay."

A college girl comes back to the dorm after spending all day hiking in the
wilderness with her boyfriend.
After her shower she's toweling off when her roommate notices her butt all
bruised up black and blue.
"Good heavens! What happened to you? You're all bruised up."
She replied,
"Well, you know how it goes, just got caught between a rock and a hard-on."

Buggery is boring.
Incest is relatively boring,
Necrophilia is dead boring.

There was an announcement in our homeowners association bulletin of a
meeting of the local Premature Ejaculators Anonymous group at the clubhouse
at 8 PM Wednesday.
I decided to go and see what the group was like.
I walked into the clubhouse meeting room just before 8:00 that evening and
found the room completely empty.
It was then I realized that I came too soon.

What did the Indian say when the prostitute tied a knot in his pecker?
\"How come!"

A guy is put before the judge's bench because he is on trial for paying a
prostitute for sex.
"How do you plead?" asks the judge, to the defendant.
"Not Guilty, your honour."
Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecutor responds,
"How can you possibly convince the court of your innocence, if we have both
the sex act, plus your subsequent payment to the alleged prostitute right
here on tape?"
"Easy," says the defendant, "I'll admit to the court that although I wasn't
engaged in an act of prostitution, I was committing another 'heinous' crime
-- gambling."
"Gambling?" responds the prosecutor.
"How so?"
"Well you see," answers the defendant, "I went up to the young lady earlier
that night as she was working in a topless bar and said to her, 'I'll bet
you $200 that you don't get to have sex with me tonight'. That videotape is
just footage of me losing the bet!"

What's the best way to make yourself last with your girlfriend?
Let everyone else go first!

Charles was taking his out-of-town buddy Clyde on a walking tour of the
city.
Clyde saw a good-looking girl and asked Charles if he knew her.
"Yes, that's Jacqueline -- one hundred and twenty dollars."
A little further along, Clyde spotted an even more stunning girl and asked
if Charles happened to know her also.
"Yes, that Rosalynn -- one hundred and eighty dollars."
After the process was repeated twice more, Clyde remarked,
"Good Heavens! Aren't there any respectable women in this city?"
"Of course!" replied Charles, highly offended. "But you couldn't afford them
either."

Why did the priest get AIDS?
He forgot to clean his organ between hymns!

This man walks in to a psychiatrist's office and lies down on the couch.
The shrink says,
"What makes you think you need the services of a psychiatrist?"
The man replies that he wakes up every night in the kitchen after some
pretty crazy sleepwalking.
The shrink says,
"So, would you like me to try to cure you of sleepwalking?"
The man explains that the sleepwalking isn't really the problem. Every time
he wakes up he is in the same place, doing the same thing - he has his
pajamas around his ankles and his dick in a jar of peanuts.
The psychiatrist says,
"I think I know what your problem is. You're fuckin' nuts."

Confucius say woman who spend much time on bedspring, may get offspring.

Elton John and George Michael were standing on Circular Quay looking out
over the harbour.
George pointed to a ferry and asked,
"Elton, what's that?"
"That's a ferry-boat, George my love," answered Elton.
"Oooh!" Squealed George, "I knew there was a lot of us, but I didn't know we
had our own navy!"

Gesundheit:
What the guy said about how he fit into the virgin.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XXX ADULT PUNS!

Said a specialty hooker named Jean,
Who made the Jacuzzi her scene,
"A rub-a-dub-dub,
Three men in a tub
Not only cum close, they cum clean.'


An Alabama redneck was sittin' on the sofa, with his half naked woman,
watching the news from San Francisco.
"Jus' look at them homo- sexshuals. They're ruining the country, with men
marryin' men, and women marryin' women. It's disgustin. Darlin', we oughta'
go out there and protest! Don't you think so?"
She replied,
"Yes, Daddy."

Homosexual:
One who has sex only in his own residence

A female teacher with a great figure was starting her junior high class on a
unit on astronomy.
She asked the class which part of the Universe interested them most.
A boy in the front row immediately replied,
"Uranus!"

The earthworm comes equipped with both male and female sex organs.
Now there's a creature who really can go Fuck himself.)

Two desert travelers rented a Camel from Hertz-Rent-a- Camel.
Out in the middle of the desert the camel stopped and laid down.
The chaps could not get it to arise no matter what they tried.
They stopped a passing Caravan and asked the leader to send out a Camel
Mechanic when they got to the nearest village.
A few hours later the Mechanic arrived.
He looked in the Camel's mouth, ears, and up its rectum.
He went to his tool bag and pulled out a large rubber headed sledge hammer.
He raised this high in the air and brought it down on the Camel's belly, as
hard as he could.
Well, that Camel let a fart you could hear and smell as far away as 17 sand
dunes.
It then struggled to its feet.
"Ah ha," the Mechanic said! "Just as I thought, vapour locked!"

Confucius say man who eat too many prunes,
Get good run for money.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman.
The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants.
They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism zipper,
buttons or Velcro) for opening them.
After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her
hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
"Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?"
"Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."

When a brothel catches fire,
Some come out running while others run out coming!

Two Columbia Yuppies, neighbours for years, were constantly trying to
"out-status" each other.
The first man mentioned that his daughter had just been accepted at Vassar.
"That's nice," replied the other, "but the main thing the girls really learn
there is fornication."
The first man became irate and said,
"I'll have you know my wife attended Vassar!"
The neighbour smiled and said,
"Take it from me, Pal, your wife certainly could use a refresher course."

What's the basic plot for a romance novel set in the inner city?
In the end, the hero gets the heroin.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

the aborigine

A rich man living in Darwin, Australia decided that he wanted to throw
a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited
Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
oysters and BBQ and
flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating
crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has
the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the
croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches,
doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the
croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind
of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the
croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a
dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said,

'I want the bastard who pushed me in.'

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Middle east humor

An Arab walks into a bar

and is about to order a drink

when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap,

a prayer shawl /tzitzis and traditional locks of hair.


He doesn't have to be an Einstein

to know that this guy is Jewish.

so he shouts over to the bartender

loudly enough that everyone can hear,




"Drinks for everyone in here, bartender,

but not for that Jew over there".



Soon after the drinks have been handed out,

the Jew gives him a big smile,

waves at him, then says,

"Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab.


He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy.

He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"


The Arab asks the bartender,

"What's the hell is the matter with that Jew?

I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him,

and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"


"Nope," replies the bartender.

"He owns the place.. ."

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XX PUNS OF THE DAY!

'Twas a sailor who caused commotions
While aboard ships upon the oceans.
He was court-martialed; found
That he likely was bound
To forever go through de-motions.


According to statisticians,
If you live half the year in New York City and half in Los Angeles, on the
average,
You live in Topeka, Kansas.

When I first started practice 44 years ago, each staff physician was
required to cover the local hospitals' emergency rooms in rotation, no
matter what specialty one might be in.
I was on call at a hospital near Disneyland one Sunday and a young man was
brought in who had injured his arm falling off one of the rides.
He was followed by a crowd of spectators and several reporters and I
discovered he was a famous English singer named Mick Jagger.
X-rays revealed a non-displaced fracture and as was policy in those days, an
orthopedist could be called only if the fracture was complicated.
So, I treated him and he left very happy.
However, I never expected the condemnation I received from my medical
colleagues for his care.
Why did I receive such a response?
For casting the first Stone.

My friends call me Mesa because of my big butte.

The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his
college class.
While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he
told his students,
"You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod."
Which was pretty much the end of learning for that day.

The Bible says Joseph rode into Bethlehem on his ass.
Well, duhhh!
Did you ever hear of anyone riding anywhere on their head?

Donations to the order were down and the convent did not have the funds to
continue in their usual manner.
Rather than shutting down, Mother Superior ordered an austerity program
requiring recycling of old clothing.
As the gowns had faded over the years, they were sent to the manufacturer to
restore them to their original black.
Unfortunately, when the dresses were returned, while improved, they were
still a dark grey.
Which just goes to prove that old habits dye hard.

PMS jokes aren't funny.
Period!

"Because my client is uncertain which of the two men with whom she lived
concurrently is the father of her child, Your Honour," stated the attorney
in court, "she seeks to combine them as joint defendants in this legal
action."
"So, what she really is pressing for then," commented the jurist wryly, "is
a paternity suit with two pairs of pants."

I answered the doorbell and a Jehovah's Witness said,
"Can I talk to you about God?"
I responded,
"Sure, what would you like to know?"

Pat and Harry had just finished all their post-graduate coursework and
defended their theses successfully.
They went to the local bar to celebrate.
When the bartender found out what they were celebrating, he immediately
asked them to leave with the explanation:
"I can't serve two Masters."

Is a group of trainee secret service agents aspiring?

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Trip to Italy

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man
stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off
to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you,
bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to
go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard
and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then
on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine,
and make love to her until dawn.. Three weeks later she was discovered by
the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me
food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry ."

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

GEORGE CARLINISMS

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?


Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?


Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?


Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?


Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,
You turn down the volume on the radio?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour,
&
Dish washing liquid made with real lemons?


Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?


Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?


Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?


Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID
That he just whipped out a quarter?


Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?


How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?


How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?


If a jogger runs at the speed of sound,
Can he still hear his Walkman?


If athletes get athlete's foot,
Do astronauts get mistletoe?


If Barbie's so popular,
Why do you have to buy all her friends?


If blind people wear dark glasses,
Why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter,
Then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?


If space is a vacuum,
Who changes the bags?


If swimming is good for your shape,
Then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin,
What do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish,
Do white grapes go with sushi?

If you can't drink and drive,
Why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?


If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
Does he become disoriented?


Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?


Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

A Smart Canadian Redhead

I am not sure how true this is, but good humour for all my friends living in
Canada.

Stephen Harper was looking for a call girl.

He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a
redhead.

To the blonde he said, I am the Prime Minister of Canada.

Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'

She replied, $200.'

To the brunette he asked the same question.

Her reply was $100.

He then asked the redhead...

Her reply was,

'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes,

My panties as low as my wages,

Get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in,

And keep it rising like the price of gas,

Keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and

Screw me the way you have retirees,

Then you can have it for free, like everything immigrants get.'

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XX ADULT PUNS!

I don't know about the rest of you guys,
But
If I ever get a 4-hour erection,
My wife is the one who's going to need to seek immediate medical attention.

Bambi the blonde celebrated her 40th birthday with a makeover.
She went to the best plastic surgeon in town and got a boob lift, a tummy
tuck, butt implants, Botox, collagen...
The works.
Ten weeks and thousands of dollars later, she was a new woman -- literally.
Her personal physician then performed her annual physical, noted the new
"body work."
When the exam was finished, he called her in.
"Bambi, your overall health is good, but I want to discuss a problem that
often affects women your age, osteoporosis."
Bambi looked puzzled.
"Osteo--what?"
"Bone loss. Many women start to experience it in their 40s."
Bambi giggled, blushed and said,
"Oh, really, Doc. You've seen me naked. Trust me, with this body and this
face, I get new bones quite often!"

Asphalt:
Haemorrhoids.

The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that
although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with
the men.
It wasn't until four weeks later that someone finally told her that meant to
eat her meals with them.

The waitress at the Greek beanery married the boss, and they seemed quite
happy.
But one day she sued him for divorce.
Her charge:
He was indifferent.

Lori, the pert and pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident
psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
"Doctor, you got to help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I
date one of the young doctors working here, I end up in bed with him.
Afterwards, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will
power and resolve in this matter?"
"For God's sake, NO!!!" exclaimed the Lori. "I want you to fix it so I won't
feel guilty and depressed afterward."

One sperm said to the other,
"I can't wait until we reach the fallopian tubes."
The other said,
"Forget it, stupid. We're in the stomach."

The recently married young woman was weeping and pouring out her heart and
troubles to the church's appointed marriage counselor.
"Isn't there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my
husband in line?"
The counselor scowled.
"Well, young lady," he said. "Maybe that's the problem. Your husband
shouldn't have to wait in line."

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs,
But
You come in one, and go in the other.

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of ladies are
hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their it me and when finally the last one is ready to
hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it and hacks it
another 10 feet.
She looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically,
"I guess all those fuckin' lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies,
"Now, you see, that's your problem. You should have taken golf lessons
instead."

Confucius says
Girl who sit on judge's lap get honourable discharge.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

X Know your monkey

A Girl realized that she had grown hair in between her legs
She got worried and asked her mother about it
Her mother calmly said:
"that part where hair has grown is called Monkey
and be proud that your monkey has grown hair"
The girl was happy to know that
At dinner, she told her sister:
"my monkey has grown hair"
Her sister smiled and said:
"that's nothing
mine is already eating bananas"

Mother fainted..............

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Father!!!!!

Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to
visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church,
he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.

"Father, I am sinful."

"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years
and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her
house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept
with her."

"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."

"Father, last week I went to my grilfriend's office to look for her, but
nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her
too."

"That's not very good of you."

"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was
around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."

"Father? ... Father?"

Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he
walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began
searching for him.

"Father? Where are you?"

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table
behind the piano.

"Father, why are you hiding here?"

"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Little johnny!!!!

The teacher was asking her students what they wanted to be when they
grow up. It was Johnny's turn.

Johnny: "I Wanna be a billionaire and go to expensive clubs. Find a
bitch there, buy her a million dollar apartment in Vegas. Get her a
Ferrari. Buy her a beach house in Miami, a jet to fly with, get her
expensive jewelry and have sex with her 3 times a day."



The teacher was lost for words and didn't know what to do. She just
proceeded along and askedMarie what she wanted to be.



Marie replied: " I'd like to be Johnny's bitch!!"

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Sueing the hospital

A woman has sued her local hospital saying that after treating her
husband recently he has lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied
All we did was correct his eyesight...

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Breaking News

The Thames river police stop two Pakistani gentlemen in a row boat, rowing
towards central London.
"The captain gets on the loudhailer and shouts "Ahoy, small craft, where are
you heading?"

One of the Pakistani gentlemen stands up and shouts, "We are invading the
United Kingdom !"

The crew of the Police launch all start laughing and when the captain
finally stops laughing, he gets back on the loudhailer and says
"Just the two of you then?"

The Pakistani gentleman stands up again and shouts, "No, we're just the last
two. The rest are already here!"

Read More...

Return to the Blog...