Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

XXX - ADULT PUNS!

There was a young sailor named Bates
Who danced the fandango on skates.
But a fall on his cutlass
Has rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.

Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don't have a good partner,
You'd better have a good hand.

Three Hillbillies Billy Bob, Joe Bob and James Earl are sitting on a
porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says:
'My wife sure is stupid!... She bought an air conditioner..'
2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says:
'Why is that stupid?'
1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says:
'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'
2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says:
'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new
fangled warshin' machines!'
1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says:
'Why is that so stupid?'
2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says:
''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'
3rd Hillbilly James Earl says:
'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wives put
together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some
change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'
1st and 2nd Hillbillies Billy Bob and Joe Bob both say:
'Well, what's so dumb about that?'
3rd Hillbilly James Earl says:
'She ain't got no pecker.'

Vibrator:
Device used by an expectant mother during pregnancy which makes the
baby stutter when it starts to talk.

Two lesbians walk into a House of Ill Repute.
They ask for the youngest woman in the joint.
The Madame says that she will not allow the youngest girl any time with them.
The lesbians make the demand again,
"We want the youngest girl here!"
The madam says,
"No. I don't serve minors to lickers."

My wife said she won't perform oral sex on me any more and I asked why.
She said last time she did she got food poisoning from eating meat
that has been hanging for 50 years!

"Mom, hey, Mom! Lennie passed his bar exam so we're going to get
married next week!"
The bride-to-be was ecstatic.
"Gee, Jill, don't you think you two should wait till he's been
practicing for a year or so?" cautioned her mother.
"Oh Mom," said the bride with a blush, "we've been practicing."

After her OB-GYN appointment, my wife told me,
"My gynaecologist said I can't have sex for two weeks!"
So I asked her,
"Well, what did your dentist say?"

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares,
"I'm of royal blood and an I. Q. Of 165, I'd like to make a donation".
The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room.
20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door.
"Is there a problem?"
"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I
poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?"
The nurse replied,
"I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..."
She gets on her knees and begins to blow him.
"I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"

A new airline linking Geneva with Milan, Rome and Naples will be
called Genitalia?

"My but you look different today Claudia." commented Rene to her
co-worker. "Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed
look. What did you use -- special curlers and some dramatic eye
make-up ?"
"No !" replied Claudia. "My damn vibrator shorted out this morning."

Girl to boy:
"I know you really look like Napoleon Bonaparte."
"Great, isn't it?"
"Yes, but you differ in one aspect from him."
"And that is?"
"You have to put your hand in your own blouse."

Newspaper headlines:

The following are actual newspaper headlines:

March Planned For Next August

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal by Landslide

Patient at Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

President Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

XX - Cruise

We were just wondering when these jokes would arrive...

Here they are!

With apologies to all those of Italian origin and to those who
contemplate a cruise in the Med.

# How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships?
On the rocks

# What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships?
Leeks

# What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship?
Follow the captain

# When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he
knew where he was going
He replied, "off course."

# So, the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock.
That's more than can be said for his ship.

# I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises.
Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.

# What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken
cruise liner Costa Concordia?
Nothing -
The bottoms dropped out of both.

Monday, January 30, 2012

XX - ADULT PUNS!

There was a young plumber of Leigh,
Was plumbing a maid by the sea.
Said the maid, "Cease your plumbing,
I think someone's coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said,
"You're pulling my leg."

A young woman walked in to a drug store and, after walking around for
ten minutes or so looking for cotton balls, gave up.
She goes to the window and asks the pharmacist,
"Do you have cotton balls?"
The pharmacist paused for a second, looked at the cute fox and said,
"Lady, do I look like a stuffed teddy bear?"

An army nurse went to bed eating popcorn
And
Woke up with a kernel between her legs.

This guy is really into blow up dolls and rings his mail order
supplier and says he wants something absolutely realistic.
The supplier says,
"I have just the thing, 'Life-like Tina', So realistic you can't tell
the difference!"
The guy orders one.
Meanwhile the supplier is looking at the box and cannot believe how
realistic 'Life-like Tina' looks.
So, he decides to blow it up.
Once inflated he gets really turned on and thinks,
"What the hell!" and has sex with the doll.
Washing it afterwards, he neatly packages it and sends it out to the guy.
A month later the guy calls up,
"You know that 'Life-like Tina' blow up doll you sent me? I cannot
tell you how happy I am."
"That's great!"
"Yeah, it's a totally believable experience."
"Realistic then?"
"So realistic, I got syphilis."

Trust:
Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.

Having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and
evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your
money.

Why doesn't Santa have any children?
Because he only comes once a year,
And
When he does, it's down the chimney.

A guy walked into the doctor's office for an appointment.
"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist
asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very
large and almost constant erection." "Well, the doctor is very busy
today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

Bungee jumping and hookers have one thing in common
Both cost a hundred bucks
And
If the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

A furrier from the United States went to Helsinki, Finland to purchase furs.
The first night in Helsinki he met a gorgeous blonde named Sanna, and
before long the two were alone in his hotel room.
The encounter turned physical and soon their lovemaking session was complete.
After they were finished, then the man attempted to chat with Sanna --
but it wasn't going well.
He said,
"I'm afraid my Finnish isn't too good."
Sanna replied,
"Your foreplay ain't all that hot either!"

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his
girlfriend and her twin.
I said
"How can you tell them apart?"
He said
"Her brother's got a mustache."

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Identity

President Mahinda Rajapakse walks into Bank of Ceylon
to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says: Good Morning,
madam, could you pleaase cash this cheque for me?

Cashier: It would be my pleasure,Sir. Could you please show me your ID?

PRESIDENT: (utterly shocked) I did not bring my ID with me as I
didn't think there was any need. I am Mahinda Rajapakse, the President
of Sri Lanka!

Cashier: Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the
regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and
forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing your ID.

PRESIDENT: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will
tell you. Everybody knows who I am!

Cashier: I am sorry Mr. President, but these are the bank
rules and I must follow them strictly.

PRESIDENT: I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque. Shiranthi has
gone to America and Namal has, by mistake, taken the keys of the
safe with him. I need some extra spending money urgently.

Cashier: look Mr. President, this is what we can do. Some
months back, Sarath Fonseka came into the bank without ID. To prove he was
the ex General, he showed his tummy scars. With those scar marks, we knew
him to be Ex General and cashed his cheque. On another occasion,
Sanath Jayasuriya
came in without his ID. To prove his identity, he just went out and hit sixes.
With that we knew for certain that he was indeed Sanath himself, and we
cashed his cheque. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove
that it is you, and only you, as the President of Sri Lanka?

PRESIDENT stood there thinking, thinking and thinking, and finally
said: Honestly, my mind is totally blank ..... there is nothing that
comes to my mind... I can't think of a single thing!!!

Cashier: There you are! That is enough. Now I don't have any
doubt that you are our President Mahinda Rajapakse. In what
denominations would you like the cash, Mr. President?

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Political Quotes

The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public
office. ~Aesop

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance
speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will
Rogers

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being
governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge
even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm
beginning to believe it.
Clarence Darrow

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and
your opponents will do it for you. ~Author Unknown

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the
tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and
campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the
other. ~Oscar Ameringer

The Democrats are   the party that says government will make you
smarter, taller, richer, and   remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The
Republicans are the party that   says government doesn't work and then
they get elected and prove it.    ~P.J. O'Rourke

I offer my   opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies
about us, I will   stop telling the truth about them. ~Adlai
Stevenson, campaign speech,   1952

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his
country. ~ Texas Guinan

Any American who is prepared to run for president should
automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so.
~Gore Vidal

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter
to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle

Politics: [Poly "many" + tics "blood-sucking parasites"] ~Larry Hardiman

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be
better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson

Don't vote, it only encourages them. ~Author Unknown

There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on
senators. ~Will Rogers

Friday, January 27, 2012

XX - ADULT PUNS!

Jack and Jill Went up the hill,
Each with a quarter.
Jill came down with fifty cents;
Do you think they went for water?

A nurse is a pan handler.

Outside a Church in Boston a young boy is weeping, and an old lady
approaches him and says,
"What's wrong, honey?"
The little boy replies between sobs,
"My Grandma passed away this morning."
"I'm so sorry to hear this," says the kind old lady. "Do you want me
to call Father O'Riley?"
"No," replies the boy. "Sex is the last thing I have in mind."

Sales for Viagra are way down.
I guess all those old guys finally figured out that sex with an old
woman is not worth $20.

Jack left for a two day business trip to Chicago.
He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd
left his plane ticket on top of his dresser.
He turned around and headed back to the house.
He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen.
He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.
She looked so good that he quietly tiptoed up behind her, reached out,
and squeezed her left tit.
"Just leave one quart of milk," she said. "Jack won't be here for
breakfast tomorrow."

Men are like Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.

An astronaut discovered life on the dark side of the moon.
When he got out of the module, he saw a light in a cave not too far away.
He went to investigate and discovered the cave was an entrance to an
underground city populated with people appearing identical to earth
people except for the women's breasts on their backs instead of their
chests.
When the inhabitants saw him they threw a party to welcome him to the moon.
At a press conference on returning to earth, a reporter asked if he
thought that the women looked strange. He said,
"Yes, but they sure are nice to dance with."

A woman sought help from her doctor.
"All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with
him," she said. "And he's right too. I have no desire at all."
The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit
in two weeks.
After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office.
"Those pills were great Doctor, I'm doing it twice a night now,
sometimes even three times."
"That's wonderful," said the doctor, "What does you husband say now?"
"I don't know, Doctor," she replied. "He has been away on a business
trip for the past two weeks.

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Blondes don't screw in light bulbs.
They screw in Jacuzzis

Have you heard about that blind hooker?
You've gotta hand it to her!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

GEORGE CARLIN

Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's -
could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate!

The Message:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings
but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.

We spend more, but have less,

We buy more, but enjoy less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.

We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less
judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less
wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too
little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too
tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.

We've added years to life not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing
the street to meet a new neighbour.

We conquered outer space but not inner space.

We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less.

We plan more, but accomplish less.

We've learned to rush, but not to wait.

We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more
copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and
small character, steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses,
but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality,
one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from
cheer, to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in
the stockroom.

A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when
you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete....

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not
going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe,
because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is
the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a
cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones,
but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it
comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person
will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak!

And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we
take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?

George Carlin.

Dorace & Jackie

Two little old ladies, Dorace & Jackie were sitting on a park bench
outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The
short one, Jackie, leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never
have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak
through that stupid, boring flower show!'

'You're on!' said Dorace, holding up a $10.00 bill.

So Jackie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely
naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of
the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the
hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the
smiling Jackie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering,
clapping crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement... !'

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

HUMOUR

Male or female – many non-living objects are actually either male or
female. Here are some examples:
WEB PAGE: Female, because they are constantly being looked at and
frequently getting hit on
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always
see right through them.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
... HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around
CRITIC: Female, What, this needs to be explained?
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
Tyres: Male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
PHOTOCOPIERS: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to
warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the
right buttons are pushed but can also wreak havoc if you push the
wrong buttons

Computers: Male or Female?
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of
gender association in the English language.
He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how
ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the
students raised their hand and asked, "What gender is a computer"?
The teacher wasn't certain, which it was, so he divided the class into
two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to
decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were
asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of
women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine
gender, for the following reasons:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the
time they cause the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely
be referred to in the feminine gender for the following reasons:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your pay cheque on accessories for it.

XX Confucious Say:

Confucius Say
The best time to go to the dentist is tooth hurty.

Confucius Say
ArtifIcial Insemination is procreation without recreation.

Confucius Say
The useless skin around a penis is called "a man".

Confucius Say
It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.

Confucius Say
A single fact can ruin a good argument.

Confucius Say
An Arch Criminal is one who robs shoe stores.

Confucius Say
The best way for university student to turn their life completely
around is to get 90 degrees.

Confucius Say
The worst thing about oral sex is the view

Confucius Say
An old grave digger is called an Elderberry

New Secretary

John: Your secretary is very sexy...!

Tom: Thanks! It's a robot actually,named " Monica "

If you squeeze her right breast, she takes dictation & If you squeeze
her left breast, she types letters !

I'll Lend it to you for a day & you can see her functions...

Next day.............John called Tom from hospital & shouted:

You bastard ! You didn't tell me that the HOLE ''' between Monica's
legs is a pencil sharpener............!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Drunken Husband

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his
drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his
wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught
himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed
heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and
made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and
bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and
began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and
stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and
butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of
blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror

XX ADULT PUNS!

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jill forgot to take the pill,
So now they've got a daughter.

A man checks into a hotel and the desk clerk asks, very quietly, if he
would like a woman sent to his room. The man says, yes.
The desk clerk says,
"I have a stenographer, a switchboard operator or a teacher. Which one
should I send up?"
With this the man replies,
"I'll take the teacher."
When the man checks out the next morning, the desk clerk says,
"I'm curious, why did you pick the teacher instead of the stenographer
or the switchboard operator?"
The man replies,
"The stenographer would say that she can't take it as fast as I give it.
The switchboard operator would cut me off before I'm finished,
But the teacher would tell me to do it over and over again until I get
it right."

Men are like Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms, and a sales girl
approached him.
"Can I help you, Sir?"
"Yes, I want to buy some condoms."
"What size do you need, Sir?"
"I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size
I would need."
"May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need?"
As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance:
"Give me a SMALL ... Wait! Make it MEDIUM ... Wait! Make it LARGE ...
Shit! Give me a TISSUE!"

A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers:
"I can lick any man in the place!"
The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says:
"Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.
"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull
the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine? What's that?" she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after
I'm gone!" he replied.

When I was born, I was given a choice -- a big dick or a good memory.
I don't remember which one I chose.

The first year student had just gotten a beat up old VW beetle from his parents.
He took it for a spin but misjudged the curve and overturned the car
directly between the house of Mr. And Mrs. Smith and Mr. And Mrs.
Balls.
Luckily, he was pulled out by the Smiths.

What happens when you mess around with a school girl during the wrong period?
You get caught red handed.

"Johnny," the teacher started, "do you know what 'paranoia' means?"
"It's not a word, teach, it's several words," Johnny replied.
"Whatever do you mean by that?"
"It's like when you go into a restaurant and a well endowed waitress
with a low cut uniform reaches in front of you and says, 'does my pair
annoy ya'?"

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute?
A two-ton whore who'll go for peanuts, but will never forget you!

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Party Crashers:-

The host at a party was getting worried because there were too many people
and not enough refreshments.

She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how
to tell which ones were the crashers.

Then her husband got an idea.

He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the
bride's side
of the family stand up please?" About twenty people stood.

Then he asked "Will those who are from the groom's side of the family
stand up as well?" About twenty-five people stood up.

Then he smiled and said, "Will all those who stood please leave. This
is a birthday party!"

XXX ADULT PUNS!

There once was a pervert named Weiner
Who had a perverted demeanour
Forced from the Hill
For acting like Bill
Now Congress is one Weiner leaner

Confucius says,
"Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy."

I think I won't ever laugh out so loud…
This morning in biology class, we had to put our own saliva under a microscope.
Suddenly, a girl shouts out very agitated:
"There's something moving here!"
All were very quiet, the teacher looked at it, looked again and said:
"Oh, that's definitively a living sperm cell."
I think the girl just wanted to die.

The difference between a nympho, a hooker and a wife is:
The nympho says,
"You're done already?"
The hooker says,
"Are you done yet?"
The wife says,
"Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

A boy took a girl out on her first date.
When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said,
"My mother told me to say no to everything."
"Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"
"No," the girl replied.
"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"
"Nooo," the girl said.
"You know," said the boy, "we're going to have a lot of fun if you're
on the level about this, and follow your mother's advice."

What do you call boobs on a girl scout?
Brownie points

A British teen was so desperate to speak Korean with a proper accent
she had her tongue lengthened surgically.
It isn't known if she speaks Korean any better, but she has gotten
more offers for dates than she ever imagined.

The former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station
attendant because right before the tanks were full, he would pull out
the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.

There was a young lad from the South that was graduating from high school.
He couldn't get a date for the prom.
His parents suggested that he could take his sister.
She agreed to attend the prom with her brother.
After the evening ended they headed home in dad's new SUV.
As they were driving he looked at his sister and said
"If you weren't my sister, I'd pull over to the side of the road."
She replied,
"Just pretend I'm not your sister"
After they parked, he said.
"If you weren't my sister, I'd like to kiss you"
Again, she replied,
"Just pretend I'm not your sister"
So, he gave her a big tongue kiss!
Wow,
"Damn if you weren't my sister I'd like to Fuck you"
Again, she replied,
"Pretend I'm not your sister"
As the story goes, they fucked and had many delightful orgasms together.
When they finished she remarked,
"Damn your dick is almost as big as dad's."
To which he replied
"Yep, that's what mom tells me!"

Frigid:
A man's term for a woman
Who wants to have sex less often than he does,
Or
Who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

A college professor in an art class asked his students to sketch a
picture of a naked man.
As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches, he
noticed that one of the young ladies, a striking blonde, had sketched
the man with an erection.
Slightly flustered, the professor said,
"Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."
She replied,
"What other way?"

At a music store there was a sign stating, Bach's Organ Works."
Underneath someone had scribbled,
"So does mine."

XX - As Irish as They Get!!!

Paddy and Mick drove to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.?

Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust.? "I'd rather be raped by a dozen
whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too,
I didn't know we had a choice!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. ?

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"

Paddy replies "I don't know!?? It?s your f***ing plane!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts
"I'M A LIGHTBULB!

I'M A LIGHTBULB!"? Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home".
So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder
how the girls are getting on"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spread eagled and says

"You know what I want don't you ?"

"Yeah," says Paddy.. "The whole friggin' bed by the
looks of it!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for
not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head

was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which Paddy said ;

"I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours'
dog is barking like mad in the garden.? Paddy says
"To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden.?
Let's see how they like it!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows
have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey!? There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name ?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Funny, but true...........

Just something to help you get a laugh as we all need to laugh more!

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down and beat you with
experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is' knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then
proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay checks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In
case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

XXX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young nun from Siberia,
Endowed with a virgin interior,
Until an old monk,
Jumped into her bunk,
And now she's the Mother Superior

Dear Rick Santorum, Rick Perry and Michelle Bachmann:
Religion is like a penis.
It is nice to have a religion, and certainly okay to be proud of your religion.
However, it is not appropriate to wave it around seductively in
public, and downright disgusting to try cramming it down people's
throats.

What's more profitable;
A one-story whorehouse or a two-story whorehouse?
A one-story whorehouse, because there's no fuckin' overhead.

What is the difference between love and Herpes?
Herpes lasts forever.

A travelling salesman on business in West Virginia met a young lady in
a bar, and invited her to his room.
As she was disrobing, he said,
"Say, how old are you?"
"Thirteen." she said.
"Thirteen?! My God! You're a child! Put your clothes back on right now
and get out of here!"
On her way out the door, the confused nymphet paused, turned to him, and said,
"You're superstitious, right?"

Went to my doctor for my routine checkup today and everything seemed
to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt!
Do you think I should change dentists?

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks
once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing
some reassurance, he asks,
'How am I doing ?'
The prostitute replies,
'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots'? He asks. 'What's that supposed to mean ?'
She says,
"You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back.

What do blonde's like so much about tilt steering wheels in cars?
More head room.

The biology teacher at the all-girl academy was handing back a test on
male anatomy on which the girls did poorly.
"I don't understand why you girls can't understand the male sex organ.
You've had it pounded into you all semester.

Men are like Snowstorms.
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how
long he will last.

XX As old age approaches;

My nookie days are over;
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal;
Is now my water spout.

Time was when of its own accord;
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I have a full time job;
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing;
The way it would behave.
For every single morning;
It would stand and watch me shave.

As old age approaches;
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its withered head;
And watch me tie my shoes,

Eight Funny Logics

1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!

2. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like
Expecting the lion not to attack you
Because you are a vegetarian.
Think ABout it.

3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance
&
What clothes we wear,
But
What we are inside.
So, try going out without clothes tomorrow and see the admiration!

4. Don't walk as if you rule the world,
Walk as if you don't care who rules the world!
That's called Attitude! Keep on rocking!

5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did
&
Convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!

6. He was a good man.
He never smoked, drank had no affair.
When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.
They said,
He who never lived, cannot die!

7. A man threw his wife in a pond of crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists
For being cruel to the Crocodiles!

8. So many options for suicide:
Poison,
Sleeping pills,
Hanging,
Jumping from a building,
Lying on train tracks,
But
We chose marriage,
Slow sure!

Quiz for Bright People

There are only nine questions.

This is a quiz for people who know everything!
I found out in a hurry that I didn't.
These are not trick questions.
They are straight questions with straight answers..

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the
participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for
several growing seasons.
All other vegetables must be replanted every year.
What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear
inside the bottle.
The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine;
It hasn't been cut in any way.
How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw'
and they are all common words.
Name at least two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar.
Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned,
processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with
the letter 'S.'

Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants
know the score or the leader until the contest ends:
Boxing.

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward:
Niagara Falls
. (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because
of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for
several growing seasons:
Asparagus and Rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside:
Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle?
It grew inside the bottle.
The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are
wired in place on the tree.
The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season.
When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

6. Three English words beginning with dw:
Dwarf, dwell and dwindle...

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar:
Period,
Comma,
Colon,
Semicolon,
Dash,
Hyphen,
Apostrophe,
Question mark,
Exclamation
Point,
Quotation mark,
Brackets,
Parenthesis,
Braces,
&
Ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed,
cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S':
Shoes,
Socks,
Sandals,
Sneakers,
Slippers,
Skis,
Skates,
Snowshoes,
Stockings,
Stilts.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 00% ON AN EXAM

I would have given him 100%
My Kind Of Guy!

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* Exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four
apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it
take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack

Fantastic reply to a Pretty Girl by CEO of J.P Morgan's

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this
year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a
guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy,
but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New
York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who
has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to
ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've
dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is
my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential
area on the west of New York CityGarden(?), $250k annual income is not
enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:
1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names
and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a
few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are
able to marry rich guys
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your
girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty

Awesome reply:
Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of
girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me
to analyse your situation as a professional investor. My annual income
is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone
believes that I'm not wasting time here. From the standpoint of a
business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very
simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying
to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person A provides
beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a
deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be
gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase
from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence
from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you
are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but
exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will
be much worried 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position,
dating with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value
dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long
term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel
to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with
great depreciation value will be sold or "leased". Anyone with over
$500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will
not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to
marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a
rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than
finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do
contact me...

signed,
J.P. Morgan

Monday, January 16, 2012

XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young lady named Flo.
Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
So they tried it all night
'Till he got it just right.
Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.

Anyone remember that fairytale about the uncircumcised troll?
I think it was called Rumpled Foreskin.

After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he
beckoned the waitress back and said,
"Miss, would y'all give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.
Then she smiled and added,
"Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the
same table and the waitress asked,
"Will there be anything else?"
"Yes," replied the tourist. "Where ah come from in Alabama, we lack
our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah
drink."

Confucius Says:
Man who lifts stones off woman get rocks off.

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist.
"Not something to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many
people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a
dog that we are very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm...,
PHYSICALLY attracted to my horse!"
"Hmmm." Then the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man snapped. "What do you think I am, GAY?"

What is the difference between a pigmy village and a women's track team?
A pigmy village is a cunning bunch of runts.

A young couple approached the desk in a big hotel.
"We've just been married," the young couple explained, "but we forgot
to make reservations. Could you give us a suite for the night?"
"Certainly," replied the clerk. "Would you like the bridal?"
"Oh, no thanks," said the young man. "Now that we're married, we're
going to stop horsing around!"

TAXIDERMIST -
A man who mounts animals.

It was painfully evident to the indignant father that all was not well
with his attractive daughter.
To his pointed questions, she tearfully admitted that motherhood was
approaching and that the rich young lay about who lived on the next
block was responsible.
With fire in his eyes, the father charged down the street and rang the
bachelor's bell.
The young man answered the door, still in his dressing gown and
holding what appeared to be a mai tai.
He readily admitted his guilt.
"Just what do you intend doing about it?" demanded the parent.
The bachelor thought for a moment.
"Well," he said, "if it's a girl, I'll give your daughter fifty
thousand dollars. And if it's a boy, I'll give her a hundred
thousand."
"See here," said the father. "If it's a miscarriage, will you give her
another chance?"

The newest vitamin is made from chicken soup.
It makes men cocky and women lay better.

Following the birth of my second child, I called our insurance company
to inquire about my short-term disability policy.
"I just had a baby," I proudly announced to the representative who
picked up the phone.
"Congratulations! I'll get all of your information and activate your
policy," she assured me.
After taking down basic information, like my name and address, she asked me,
"Was this a work-related incident?"

You know you're leading a sad life when a nymphomaniac tells you,
"Let's just be friends."

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

The basic difference

In Europe & America:

YOU can kiss in public but not piss in public.

In India & Pakistan:
YOU can piss in public but not kiss in public.

Sunday, January 01, 2012

A Rabbi Hears Confession !

A Priest in a small town was called away for an emergency on a Sunday
,afternoon while he was about to hear confessions. Not wanting to
leave the confessional unattended, and having no one else to assist
him he called his Rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to
cover for him.

The Rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say or do.

The Priest told him to come over and he'd stay with him for a little
bit to show him what to do.

The Rabbi dutifully came over. The Rabbi and the Priest were in the
confessional working out the details.

A few minutes later, a woman came in and said, "Father, forgive me for
I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do?"

The woman said, „I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary‚s, put five dollars in the donation box,
go and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man entered the confessional. He said, "Father,
forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Man: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put five dollars in the box, go and sin no more."

The Rabbi told the Priest that he thought he understood the procedure,
so the Priest left.

A few minutes later another woman entered and said, "Father, forgive
me for I have sinned."

Rabbi: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Rabbi: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once."

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three
for five dollars!"

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Jumping on the bed

A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing
with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks,
"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?,
What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,
"I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says
I have the breasts of an 18 year-old".
The husband said,
"What did he say about your 60 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.

(Men . . . They just never know when to shut up, do they?)

Who's the boss

The Boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he
wasn't getting any respect.

The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had
taped a note to the sign that said: -

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting
senile.Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not
senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip
down.'

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Social Networking

Teacher: Wer is ur homework?
Boy: Madam, plz check in FACEBOOK. I have uploaded a copy of it &
tagged you......

Gal 2 her brother: Wat r u gng to gift grandma on her bday?
Boy: Football
Gal: But grandma doesnt play football?
Boy: On my bday she gav me books...

UKG Kid: Dad can v go to McDonald today.
Dad: ya but only when u spell McDonald correctly.
Kid thought for a moment & said, k forget it dad let's go to KFC

Teacher to kid: Write a note on Srilanka.
Kid wrote: Its a country whose map cums free along with d India map.

A drunk guy falls from 1st floor.
People gathered around n asked him wat happend?
He said... "I dont knw, I also came down Just now..!!"

Sunday, December 25, 2011

A "Touching" Christmas Story

A married couple had been out shopping in a mall for the day.
Suddenly, the wife realized her husband had disappeared.

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded,
"Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling you remember that Jewelery shop where you saw the
Diamond Necklace and fell in love with it and I didn't have money that
time and said Baby it'll be yours one day."

Wife, with a smile blushing: "Yes, I remember that my Love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the Bar next to that shop."

CREATION 1. 1

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated
the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and

red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with

that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at
it, add some sprinkles." And they both gained 10 pounds each. And

Satan smiled.

And it came to pass thet God created the healthful yogurt that Woman
might keep her figure that Man found so curvy and appealing. And

Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the
cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the
side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and

chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained
more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food
Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and
named

it "Devil's Food Cake."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose
those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so

Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman
laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the

starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its

99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is

good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Friday, December 23, 2011

XX - Sydney (Australia) Radio Competition

This got the whole of Sydney laughing....
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many Sydney folks heard this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .

The DJs play a game called 'Mate Match'. The DJ calls someone at work
and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the
contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly
personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with
(phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same
three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly
the funniest thing you've heard yet .

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast
if you win. What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had s*x?'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, h! uh? No one would ever have
said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have s*x at 8 o'clock this =morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us
for couple of weeks...'

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his
wife's work number and call her up.

You listen to this.' [ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones......ringing...)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now
and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
give any..answers away or you'll lose.Sooooooo... Do you know the
rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest..'

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off
to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'All right. When did you last have s*x, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very ! good. Nex! t question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect
his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question
away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Well...'

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to
have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was
an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this
conversation , for minor traffic collisions.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Working late Night!

One dark night two men were walking home after a party and decided to
take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a
tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel,
chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You
scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you
doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

The Singing Parrot...

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking
for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a
parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This
seemed like the perfect gift.

"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop
owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet
began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then
held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune
changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran
home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw
her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's
left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle
Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's
right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold
the lighter between his legs?"

The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his
wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his
face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like
it was the performance of his life:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

Jewish Modesty

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion
after a dinner.

Catholic: "I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank!"

Protestant:"I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!"

Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince.... I intend to purchase Microsoft!"

They then all wait for the Jew to speak...

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes
a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:
"I'm not selling..."

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness
But
Its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes
Than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy
But
Remember the bastard's name.....

3. Help someone when they are in trouble
And
They will remember you
When they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only
Because
it's illegal to shoot them...

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems,
But
Then again,
Neither does milk.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

: When I was 10 -

Rubber meant eraser,

Ass meant donkey,

Gay meant happy,

Straight meant linear,

Making out meant 'logical detection',

Cock meant rooster,

Pussy meant cat,

Stag meant a male deer,

Prick meant a jab,

Poke meant a nudge,

Chick meant a baby hen,

Screw meant a carpenter's implement

And

A Tit was always for Tat!!

Damn! -

English has changed so much!!!

Monday, December 19, 2011

Whose fault..not mine

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped

At a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
Left her glasses on the table, and she didn't
Miss them until they had been driving for
About forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they
Had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around,
In order to return to the restaurant to
Retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband
Became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded
His wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her,
The more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her
glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

While you're in there, you might as well
Get my hat and the
Credit card.

This coming week is National Senior Mental
Health Week. You can do YOUR part by
Remembering to contact at least one unstable Senior to show you care.

I have now done MY part.

Learning From Kids

For those with no children -
This is totally hysterical.

For those who already have children past this age,
This is hilarious.

For those who have children this age,
This is not funny.

For those who have children nearing this age,
This is a warning.

For those who have not yet had children,
This is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest)...

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. Ft.
House, 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a
Superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint
on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft. Room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few
times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh" it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCRs do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials
show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not
like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

25. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or
without kids.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

It's always a Sri Lankan Brain

Mathematician: How do you write 4 in between 5?

Chinese : Is this a joke?

Japanese : Impossible!

American : The question's all wrong!

British : It's not found on the Internet

And the Sri Lanka .......................................................

...................................................................

............................................. f(iv)e

Thursday, December 15, 2011

XXX - A Quick Adult Poem

I have a little poem,
I'll try to make it quick;
The subject is quite simple:
The joy of owning dick.

A penis is a splendid thing;
You ladies should be jealous.
An organ with such lovely skin,
It's smooth and mostly hairless.

It starts to grow so quickly
When a guy's about thirteen,
His testicles on either side,
His willy in between.

It dangles neatly down below;
it's softly warm and loyal.
But at the slightest hint of lust,
it's ready to uncoil.

It seems to have a mind all of its own;
it's like an untamed beast,
It squirms and writhes and stretches out,
Just when you 'spect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves,
Erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off,
And then I wish it wouldn't.

During summer, wearing little,
Sunning on the beach,
A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums
Will make it squirm and reach.

But handle it with love and care,
For it will give great pleasure.
I often check if it has grown -
Now when did I last measure?

Some men will fret about their size:
They give it lots of thought;
Is seven inches long enough?
It makes them quite distraught.

They sneak a look in toilets,
Wondering what they'll see,
But if another glances back at them,
there's no way they can pee!

Masturbating is a sin -
At least some folks believe.
That's just some old wives' tale,
'cause it really can relieve.
Without this super organ,
No shag would be complete.
Lesbians can try their best,
But must admit defeat.

It has some splendid functions,
I'm sure you will agree:
To start a whole new life,
And more than that - to pee!

But what seems most amazing
About my one-eyed flute,
Whatever it is doing,
It knows which juice to shoot.

And better yet, it stays with one,
Until one's old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though,
Or you'll be thrown in jail.

Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very
Elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
Service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following
The eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart
Then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.. When
All eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking
Of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist.

The vicar fainted.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Some places I have and have not been...

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.

Apparently, you can't go alone.

You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito.

I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane.

They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.

I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions,

But you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt.

That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes, I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense!

It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!

At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have been in Deep-shit many times; the older I get, the easier it is
to get there.

XXX: NEVER ENOUGH

"Doc, I've got this problem" the man says. "My secretary, she loves to
give blow jobs.

Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a
quick one before I leave for lunch.

And before I leave work at the end of the day, she really works me over."

"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac" the man continued.

"I service her every morning when we get up.

I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunchtime and then we
have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep."

"I still don't know what your problem is" said the doctor.

"Well, every time I masturbate, I get these dizzy spells."

Things That May Sound Dirty , But Are Not

* Top Ten Things that sound dirty,
But are not, in a LAW firm:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge.

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offence?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't

1. Think you can get me off?

* Top Ten Things that sound dirty,
But are not, in the OFFICE:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!

5. HMMM, I think it's out of fluid!

4. My equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't

1 It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!

* Top Ten Things that sound dirty,
But are not, at GOLF:

10.Damn, my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip!

2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't

1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!

Monday, December 12, 2011

The office Christmas Party (starts lame but end is great)

Christmas Party Company Memo
Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2011

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to
sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of
gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift
should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 2, 2011

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to
those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas
tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of
music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 3, 2011

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed
to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed
since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the
executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2011

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party or else package
everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will
that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit
with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks
that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns
about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in
the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood
pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but
the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: October 5, 2011

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a
rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 6, 2011

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party
and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

XX - Onions and X-mas Tree

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,

'Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three
kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but
hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man
goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree,
mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but
reliable. After his
60's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.

TO ALL MY EMAIL BUDDIES

As we progress through to the year 2012, I want to thank all of you
for your educational e-mails over the past year 2011. I am totally
screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have
the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about
the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because
the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public restroom..

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat
poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge
with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full
of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a
serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me
for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle
infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica ,
Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ...

I no longer buy cookies from Woolies since I now have their recipe..

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black
snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when
it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $2 coin dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00
p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest
your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur
because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician
. .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told
by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU ALL HAVE YOURSELVES A VERY GOOD DAY...AND A HEALTHY LIFE

Thursday, December 08, 2011

Aphorisms

1. The nicest thing about the future is .. . .. that it always starts
tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag
his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any
sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark
to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important . . . because they demonstrate
how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else
looks?

9. Scratch a cat . . . and you will have a permanent job..

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants
to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4
a.m. - like, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print .. . . There's no way you're
going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same
size bucket.

17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old
ladies running around with tattoos in strange places? (And rap
music will be the Golden Oldies!) (How about in 5 years?)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable
to cry in a Cadillac than in a Yugo.

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably
dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind .....
and the ones that mind don't matter.

21. Life isn't tied with a bow . . .. but it's still a gift.

CAN HEAR YOU LAUGHING!

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the
house with his finger.
His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but
the boy continues.
"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store...
He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it..
Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets a diarrhea run.
She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's
seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She
calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the
situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine
everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his
knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out
his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The
balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is
the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"

You're laughing aren't you
...I know you are!!!

Oh, those West Indians

A Trinidadian, a Jamaican, a Barbadian and a Grenadian went to New York
for the Labor Day weekend. To save money, they decided to sleep two to
a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl, the Trinidadian, because he
snored so loudly. They decided it wasn't fair for the same person to
stay with Daryl every night, so they voted to take turns.

The Grenadian slept with Daryl on the first night and came to
breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all
bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you?'

He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all
night.

The next night it was the Barbadian's turn. In the morning, he arrived for
breakfast with hair all disheveled, eyes all blood-shot. They said,
'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'

He said, 'Man, that Daryl! He shakes the roof. I watched him all night.

The third night was the Jamaican's turn. Blacka was a big burly
Dread from Tivoli . The next morning he came to breakfast
bright-eyed and chipper.

'Good morning,' he said. The others couldn't believe it! They said,
'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed
and kissed him good night - said 'nite nite darling'... He sat up and
watched me all night long.

Saturday, December 03, 2011

Jewish Christmas

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas
time? Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve
brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we
come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up
our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father
Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at
Christmas?" Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with
Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put
cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We
hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave
him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you
do at Christmas?" Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year;
Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into Dads Rolls Royce and
drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at the empty
warehouse, and begin to sing, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus'. Then
we all go to the Bahamas on Dads Yacht."

Friday, December 02, 2011

XX - HAPPY BIRTH DAY

An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth! He spoke to his
toes. "Hello toes!" he said. "How are you? You know, you are 92 Today.
Oh the times we've had! Remember we walked on the park in the summer
every Sunday Afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance Floor? Happy
Birthday toes!

"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you? You know you're 92 today.
Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh,
the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees.
"Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie !! You little
bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you'd be 92 !!!!

Good Bad and Ugly ;

1st Case-
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer!

2nd Case-
Good:Your son is finally maturing.
Bad:He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: so are you!

3rd Case-
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad:you find porn there.
Ugly: You're in it.

4th Case-
Good: Your wife and you agree to no more kids.
Bad: She cant find her birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 15 year old daughter has them!

5th Case-
Good: you start telling your children about sex as they're getting old.
Bad:They keep interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections!!

Thursday, December 01, 2011

The Postman

One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on
his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were
still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a
load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,'
the Postman comments.

David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday
night.This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
morning.We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for
some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.

We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time
covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a
hole in the sheet.

Then the women try to guess who it is..'

The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded.

'Your name came up 7 times.'

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Monday, January 30, 2012

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Friday, January 27, 2012

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Monday, January 16, 2012

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Sunday, January 01, 2012

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Friday, December 23, 2011

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Monday, December 19, 2011

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Monday, December 12, 2011

Thursday, December 08, 2011

Saturday, December 03, 2011

Friday, December 02, 2011

Thursday, December 01, 2011

Guess what

XX - IF YOU ARE A PRUDE

Thank you - You are visitor Number

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