Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com

Friday, January 30, 2009

Talk show jokes

Talk show jokes are....hilarious - contemporary, original and
informative - what do you say to these?

President Bush will soon be gone from the White House, but he's not
going to fade away. He's only 62 years old and he says there are still
plenty of challenges to fail to meet, there are still goals to fall
short of, and people to disappoint." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Barack Obama says one of the first things he'll do as president is
sign an executive order closing down Guantanamo Bay, to which
President Bush said, 'Hey, well that's nothing. I've closed down half
the industries and banks" --Jay Leno

"Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are
released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home
countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program."
--Jay Leno

"President Bush, appearing on Fox News Sunday morning, confirmed that
he is planning on writing a book. Bush admitted he'll use a ghost
writer. Well, sure, if it's about his Presidency, it's going to be a
horror story. He'll need a ghost writer." --Jay Leno

"Cold, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen? It was so cold today people
were throwing shoes at Al Gore." --David Letterman

"I tell ya, the economy is bad. The economy is so bad, Iraqis can only
afford to throw one shoe." --Jay Leno

It turns out this guy was described as a hot head. He's a guy who is
an Iraqi journalist. They say he's a hot head with poor journalistic
skills. Well, no surprise, today he was offered his own show on Fox
News." --David Letterman

"I tell you, the economy's rough. People are standing behind President
Bush just to get the free shoes." --Jay Leno

You got to admit, whatever you think of the guy, he's got good
reflexes. Even Bill Clinton was impressed. You know, Clinton's an
expert at ducking shoes, ashtrays, lamps. Everything." --Jay Leno

"President Bush announced before he leaves office, he wants to visit
the poorest regions of the world. You know, any place where people
can't afford to buy shoes." --Jay Leno

"President Bush made a surprise visit to Detroit today. Honestly,
people in Detroit are upset with him, but I understand auto workers
threw brake shoes at him." --Jay Leno

"Bush is getting nostalgic. He says he's not sure how he will feel on
January 21st, but I think I kind of know how the rest of us will
feel." --David Letterman

President Bush has been giving Barack Obama a lot of advice. He told
Barack Obama that his biggest challenge will be an enemy attack.
Specifically, Bush told Obama to keep your eye on Hillary." --Conan
O'Brien

President Bush has declared an advanced state of emergency in DC from
Saturday until Wednesday to allow for extra security for the
inauguration. Apparently, the President obtained information from a
very reliable source that on Tuesday an unidentified black man is
plotting to break into and actually live in the White House for at
least four years." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The President was on 'Larry King' last night for one last
hard-hitting interview before he packs up and tries to find his way
back home to Texas. King asked the President if he personally lost
money in the stock market. Bush said he has no idea because all his
money is in a blind trust managed by a Nigerian prince who's about to
collect a huge inheritance." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush has asked all the major networks for 15 minutes of air
time on Thursday to give his farewell speech to the nation. Well, the
White House says he's going to use part of the time to list his
accomplishments. No word yet what he's going to do with the other 14
minutes." --Jay Leno

"Did you know Barack Obama's mother-in-law is going to be moving into
the White House with them? I think this qualifies as change Barack
Obama does not believe in." --Jay Leno

George W Bush admitted in his farewell speech that a couple of things
didn't go according to plan. Yeah, his first term and his second
term. Those two things." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama promised his kids he would get them a dog when they
moved to the White House. But President Bush is nervous. When he heard
dog in the White House, he thought, 'Uh oh! What if he digs up all
those Al Gore ballots in the back?'" --David Letterman

There was a huge inauguration lunch with all the past presidents.
There was a fight over who would pay the bill, but eventually they
agreed they would just leave it up to future generations." --Seth
Meyers

I understand the lunch went well. Only three shoes thrown." --David Letterman

"George Bush picked up the check. Bill Clinton picked up the
waitress." --David Letterman

At the luncheon, president-elect Obama was kind of awkward, because
he didn't have any experiences or accomplishments to talk about as
president. So, at least he and President Bush had something in
common." --Jay Leno

"And how about this for nerve? This is unbelievable. The porn industry
is now asking for a $5 billion federal bailout. The porn industry.
Talk about a stimulus package." --Jay Leno

And you know, I think Bush is struggling to come up with some
accomplishments. They're trying to make him look good, you know. Like
today, he took credit for ending the drought in New Orleans." --Jay
Leno

"The Washington Post reports today that Barack Obama wants to select
Sanjay Gupta to be surgeon general. Yeah, Obama said the CNN doctor
must be pretty good, because he's kept Larry King alive all these
years." --Conan O'Brien

"But here's good news for Obama. The new tank-like presidential
limousine is also shoe proof, so that's good news." --David Letterman

George Bush Sr. recently said he'd like his son Jeb to be president,
but that right now is a bad time for him to run. When asked what a
good time would be, Bush Sr. said, 'Eight years ago.'" --Conan O'Brien

And Congress says this week they are looking into this Bernard Madoff
scandal. So The guy that made $50 billion disappear is being
investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear." --Jay
Leno

Many newspapers carried pictures of a shirtless Obama playing in the
ocean. Did you see that? Yeah. So as you're thinking of things to be
thankful for this holiday, remember, that could have been a shirtless
John McCain." --Conan O'Brien

"The White House staff has been briefing Barack Obama's team on a
series of worst-case scenarios that could face the country after
President Bush leaves office. That's the latest. Yeah. Apparently, the
absolute worst case scenario is that Bush doesn't leave office."
--Conan O'Brien

Ford Motors is working on a brand new car called the Fusion. It's a
hybrid and runs on a combination of gas and bailout money."

An elderly Scotsman lay

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled
the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already
in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table
were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits, freshly baked.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted
Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a
happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and withered hand
trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.............

'Bugger off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

Chuckle for the day

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember:

You've been listening to your ipod.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

ONLY THE ENGLISH COULD HAVE INVENTED THIS LANGUAGE

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes
off by going on.

And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

AND IF PEOPLE FROM POLAND ARE CALLED POLES THEN PEOPLE FROM HOLLAND
SHOULD BE HOLES AND THE GERMANS, GERMS.

And lets not forget the Americans, who changed s to z, but that's another
story............

THE JOB - URINE TEST

(Whoever wrote this one deserves a HUGE pat on the back!)

Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me.
I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.
In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine
test with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is
the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine
test.

Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because
I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no
problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other
hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their Ass doing
20 drugs, while I work. . . . Can you imagine how much money the state
would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public
assistance check?

Pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't. Hope you
all will pass it along, though. . Something has to change in this
country -- and soon!!!!!!!

I guess we could title that program, 'Urine or You're Out'.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

XX - the why's of men

1. WHY DO MEN USUALLY BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your
heart...Then you are just an old sour fart !
One for the ladies.......

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he
shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma ..'

And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out
of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if
I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
------------------------------------------ -----
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: Either gay or a rumor

-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And
Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll
beat him to death.
AMEN

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

--- --------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
-----------------------------------------------------------

Twenty Dollars!

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30
years with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new
clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her
husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he
explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate
down sizing and he had
been let go.

It was unlikely that at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another job.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly$1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which
were worth over $2 million.

She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex, and these were the
results of her savings and investments.

The husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally.. he
found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were
doing, I would have had sex only with you.'

That's when she shot him.

Monday, January 26, 2009

XX - The Straggly Old Cat

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and
hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her,
put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to
call her, so we
named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.
He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her,
she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted
the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband
'El-Cheap-O',
and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another,
with my husband
getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is
located in the
same building, next door to the vet.
The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my
husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your
wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved,
so she now smells like a rose.
Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the
father is!' Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even ! ! ! ..

A FEW words of wisdom...

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead;
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either;
Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. Before you criticize someone,

You should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them

You're a mile away and you have their shoes.

3. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him to fish, and he'll sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

4. If at first you don't succeed,

Skydiving is not for you.

5. Some days you are the bug;

Some days you are the windshield.

6. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tyre.

7. It's always darkest before dawn.

So, if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper,

that's the time to do it.

8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive,

Try missing a couple of child support payments

9. We are born naked, wet, hungry; we get slapped on our butts.

Then, things get worse.

10. There are two theories to arguing with women.

Neither one works.

11. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

12. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

13. Sex is like air.

It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

14. No one is listening until you fart.

15. Always remember you're unique-just like everyone else.

16. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.

18. Never, under any circumstances,

Take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

THESE ARE THINGS WE LEARN WITH AGE...

SO, PASS THE WISDOM ON OR JUST LET THE YOUNG ONES LEARN THE HARD WAY...

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Chinese Detective

A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese
detective...the cheapest one he could find.
This is his report...

Most honourable sir!
You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave
house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He
kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she.
She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.

No fee,

Cheng Lee

obama

Only
Black
African 2
Manage
America

A Few Interesting Sex Facts From Around The World]

At Any Given Moment:

79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

58,000,000 are kissing.

37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

1 lonely person is reading e-mails.

You hang in there sunshine!

Two chimps and a Blonde

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when
she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man
walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My
problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken
to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want
to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the
zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were
ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped
into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of
the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde
walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much
to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled
off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing
here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to
the zoo.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over
--- so now we're going to SeaWorld

Friday, January 23, 2009

Psychiatry

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children ...
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said,
"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mother,
"Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your
child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mother.
"Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child's
name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up,takes her little boy by the
hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving".

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Senior age disorder

BE CAREFUL, THIS FOR YOU ALL ONLY!!!

Friends,

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and
decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I
brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can
under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the

bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house
to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd

been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke
aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator
to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye - they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to
water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with
water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the

kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all

damn day,

And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for
it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet,

Your day is coming!!

X- Irish Medical Dictionary

Artery......................... The study of paintings

Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria

Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die

Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section...............A neighbourhood in Rome

Catscan....................... Searching for the pussy

Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her

Colic.......................... A sheep dog

Coma........................... A punctuation mark

Dilate......................... To live long

Enema.......................... Not a friend

Fester......................... Quicker than someone
else

Fibula......................... A small lie

Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain.....................Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane

Morbid......................... A higher offer

Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates

Node........................... I knew it

Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted

Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative................. A letter carrier

Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery

Rectum......................... Nearly killed him

Secretion...................... Hiding something

Seizure........................ Roman emperor

Tablet......................... A small table

Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport

Tumour..........................One plus one more

Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out

2 Condoms..................To be sure, to be sure!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

X - Tuesday Evening Jokes.

Body Found!!!

Today, the police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby.
They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and
a Small Dick.
I was just checking to make sure that you are okay.

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing
about which place had the toughest trees.
The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a
hole in the tree with no problem.
The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck
a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'I'm-peckable' (a term
woodpeckers like to use).
The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and
accepted the challenge.
The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully
pecked the so-called 'I'm-peckable' tree almost without breaking a
sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.
How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican
tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree,
yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

Judge: You are charged with throwing your mother-in-law out of your
fourth-storey window.
Defendant: I did it without thinking, your Honour.
Judge: That's no excuse! Don't you see how dangerous it might have
been for anyone passing at the time?

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come
to the corral, he explained,
"That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."
A little later on, they saw horses.
The Grandpa said,
"That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said,
Grandma turned to Grandpa and said,
"Will you please serve the turkey?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled,
"If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"

A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender,
"Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"
The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender says,
"Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The cowboy replies,
"Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender says
"Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?"
"I have................. Only fifty cents!"

"Doc, I can't sleep anymore," the man complained. "I've tried
everything, but I just toss and turn."
"You have to learn to relax," the doctor said. "Try putting each part
of your body to sleep separately."
That night the guy crawled into bed, got comfortable and started to
talk to his body.
"Toes, go to sleep," he whispered.
"Feet, go to sleep.
Legs, go to sleep.
Hips, go to sleep.
Stomach, go to sleep"
Just then, his wife walked in wearing a transparent teddy.
Her husband opened one eye, then lifted his head from the pillow.
"OK," he shouted, "up, up...everybody up!"

She has one toe, and bought a pair of flip flops.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
She got stabbed in a shoot-out.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

..... And then the fight started

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
channels She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust'

And then the fight started

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary She said, 'I want something shiny that
goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds!'

I bought her a scale

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take
her someplace expensive so, I took her to a gas station

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to
apply for Social Security The woman behind the counter
asked me for my driver's license to verify my age I
looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt' So I opened
my shirt revealing my curly silver hair She said, 'that
silver hair on your chest is proof of enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants You
might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her
drink as she sat alone at a nearby table

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes', I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
since'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
I took my wife to a restaurant The waiter, for some
reason, took my order first

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare,
please"

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad
cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself"

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- ---
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her
husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly

I really need you to pay me a compliment'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near
perfect'

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light
for $1495

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $795

I told her the beer would make her look better at night
than the cold cream

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise
came from outside

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at
the man 'Holy crap that must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped
out the window

He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush
and to his car as fast as he could go A few minutes later
he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the
woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you
running?'

And then the fight started
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary? "It warmed my heart to see her face melt
in sweet appreciation "Somewhere I haven't been
in a long time!" She said So I suggested, "How
about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A
Millionaire?", while we were in bed I turned to her
and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered I then said, "Is that
your final answer?" She didn't even look at me
this time, simply saying "Yes" So I said,
"Then I'd like to phone a friend"

And that's when the fight started

Saturday, January 10, 2009

XX - CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX!

This is a little risque...

If you are a prude ...please abstain from reading...

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent 12 Calories
Without her consent 2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands 8 Calories
With one hand 12 Calories
With your teeth 485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection 6 Calories
Without an erection 3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary 12 Calories
69 lying down 78 Calories
69 standing up 812 Calories
Wheelbarrow 216 Calories
Doggy Style 326 Calories
Italian chandelier 2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real 112 Calories
Fake 1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging 18 Calories
Getting up immediately 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately 816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years 36 Calories
30-39 years 80 Calories
40-49 years 124 Calories
50-59 years 1,972 Calories
60-69 years 7,916 Calories
70 and over Results still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly.. 32 Calories
In a hurry 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door 5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door 13,521 Calories

Results may vary!

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD
Right now, as you read this,
69 Million people are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!!!

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

XX - Nun the wiser

If you can get this you are not a prude

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome ..
One leans over to the other and says,
"I've never come this way before."
The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones"

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Pick up line

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced
him, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen up, Buddy. I
screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car,
front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down,
naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me.
Been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, ''No kidding. I'm a
lawyer, too. What firm are you with?'

Sunday, January 04, 2009

The Bear and The Racoon

A bear and a raccoon were walking through the woods one day. They came
across a genie that was lost in the woods. The genie was so happy with
the directions that the animals gave him that he said to them, "I will
give you both three wishes each." He turned to the bear first.
The bear (who was really into sex), said, "Ok, ok...I want...All the
bears in this forest to be female, except me!" Poof! It was done.

The genie turned to the racoon. The racoon thought for a minute, and
said, "I want a...MOTORCYCLE!"
The bear thought he was crazy, but the genie granted his wish.
Turning back to the bear, he goes, "I wish...the bears in the next
forest over were female, too!" POOF! It was done.
The racoon thinks for a minute, and says, "I want a motor cycle HELMET!"
The bear say, "You idiot! You could ask for all the money in the world
and BUY those things! You're wasting your wishes on JUNK!"
The racoon just shrugged, and POOF!-it was done.
The bear's final wish was, after very little thinking, "I wish all the
bears in the whole world (except for me) were female!"
Poof, it was done.
The bear and the Genie look at the racoon expectantly. The racoon got
on his motor cycle, strapped on the helmet, and turns it on. He reved
the engine and said, "I wish the bear was GAY!" and roars away .

Thursday, January 01, 2009

It doesn't hurt To have a little Biblical humour to start the YEAR...

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?

A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?

A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah.

He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A. Pharaoh's daughter.

She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a Little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.

David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A. Samson.

He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer
lived in in Eden ?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses.

He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A. The area around Jordan .

The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?

A. David,

He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep...

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?

A. Joshua,

Son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?

A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.

( Groan...)

PS... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?

Yup, it's in the Bible.

It says . . 'He-brews'

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY...

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY T HINGS
AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA,
TWO TEQUILA,
THREE TEQUILA,
FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES,
WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS
BECAUSE, HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN,
'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?'
SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME,
IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS,
DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF,
IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU S EE
AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED,
CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS?
ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL,
IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME,
DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE
YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS:
THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS,
DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTI-PASTO,
WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL,
AND SUCCEED,
WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP'
TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS'
INSTEAD OF 'ASSTEROIDS'?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON
IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR-CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES
DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK.

So, the Bush years are coming to a close.
It's the end of an error.
(Jerry Smith)

Congress has given itself a $4700 a year pay raise.
They want to make sure that they make enough money so that if a
lobbyist wants to bribe them, it will have to be really worth it.
(Jim Barach)

When did Mark Tiexeria become Willie Mays, Ted Williams and Mickey
Mantle rolled up in one.
Oh, I remember now. Right after CC Sabathia became Sandy Koufax.
(Mitch Hammons)

In other news, the Yankees signed Prince and the Mormon Tabernacle
Choir to provide live pre-game music in the clubhouse.
(Scott Ostler)

Last night's studio audience was terrible.
I call them the Federal Reserve audience — their interest rate was zero.
(David Letterman)

Barack Obama says he's going to get to the inauguration by train.
This comes as a surprise to a lot of people who thought that Obama was
going to get to the inauguration by walking on water.
(Craig Ferguson)

Apparently there are problems with the cell phone connections from
Hawaii to Washington, D.C.
President-elect Obama has called several times to President Bush
recently asking the first thing he should do upon taking office.
And all he hears is Bush saying, "Pardon me?"
(Janice Hough)

President-elect Barack Obama and his family are in Hawaii this week.
To which President Bush said, "You know, I prefer spending my
Christmases right here in the United States."
(Jay Leno)

Gov. Blagojevich came out and said he hasn't done anything wrong, and
he isn't guilty of anything.
So, that's the second big snow job Chicago got over the weekend.
(Jay Leno)

Up in Chappaqua, Bill and Hillary accidentally got into the same bed.
It's that cold.
(David Letterman)

I was disappointed in some last-minute Christmas shopping.
I went to Victoria's Secret when they promised bras half off!
(Steve Denny)

Another Christmas has come and gone.
This time of year means exchanging gifts.
Thursday you exchange them with relatives.
Friday you exchange them with Macy's.
(Alan Ray)

President Bush has approved a $17.4 billion loan for Detroit.
True to form, each of the Big 3 auto-makers immediately invested that
money with Bernie Madoff.
(Jake Novak)

Mark Felt, identified as "Deep Throat" of Watergate fame has died at age 95.
When Bill Clinton heard that "Deep Throat" had passed away, he said he
didn't even know Monica Lewinsky was sick.
(Jim Barach)

Monday, December 29, 2008

New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies.

*I will try to figure out why I "really" need 12 e-mail addresses.

*I will stop sending e-mail to my partner.
A phone call every now and then would be appreciated.

*I resolve to work with neglected children --
My own.

*I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I
answer my e-mail.
*I will stop sending e-mail,
ICQ,
Instant Messages and
Be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

*I resolve to back up my 500.GB hard drive daily...
Well, once a week...okay,
Monthly then...or maybe...
At least once a year.

*I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet -
This, of course, will be hard to estimate
Since, I'm not a clock watcher.
*I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning...
4:30 is much more practical since my friends overseas already had time
to answer me by then.
*When I hear a funny joke,
I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
*I will read the manual...
Just as soon as I can find it.
*I will think of a password other than "password."
*I resolve...
I resolve to...
I resolve to, uh...
I resolve to, uh, get my, ER...
I resolve to, uh, get my, ER, off-line work done, too!

Laughs on a Monday

A father was entertaining a boy his daughter had brought home from College.
"I realize it's only a formality," the young man said, "but I wan't to
ask for your daughter's hand."
"And where did you get the idea that this is just a formality?" the
father asked.
The boyfriend replied,
"From our Lamaze instructor."

A student who had recently been diagnosed with multiple personality
disorder went to the campus medical center.
"Doc," he said, "I think one of my personalities may be gay."
"And this is causing you discomfort?" the doctor asked.
"Yeah," the student replied. "It's kind of a pain in the ass."

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Laughter on a Sunday.

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter
from home one evening.
Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.
As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed
stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote,
"Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100
bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to
him.
The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of
his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her
door,insisting on seeing her.
She went down, and found the stranger waiting.
Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
"What's this?" she asked.
"That's the $8,000 you have coming sister," he replied."Don't Despair
paid 80-to-1."

^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and
it finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum
laude from law school.
Both came from good families.
Both are equally attractive and well spoken.
It's up to the senior partner to choose one.
So, he takes each aside and asks,
"Why did you become a lawyer?"
In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.
"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me
why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the
Greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the
Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What
in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-

Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring.
"There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs.
Davis with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a
week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."
"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared
Mrs.Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in
Miami,and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private
guest house."
Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile.
"Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does. Nobody."
"So, what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.
"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist
in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just
to talk about me!"

^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his
wife to drive his prize possession even to
the grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she
departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print
your age."

The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary.
She ignored the telephone when it rang.
"You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably.
"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of
ten, it's for you!"

^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-

Cheating the System.

Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses
that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of
auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be much lower."
My brother smiled and said,
"Dad, that would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Jokes on a Saturday.

1.
One of the side effects of Viagra is a headache.
Every time I take a pill, my wife gets a headache

2.
One day of coal 364 days of fun.......
The choice is obvious.

3.
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded
late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews.
The desk clerk looked down at his book and said,
"Sorry, No room. The hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said,
"But, your sign says that you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly,
"You know that we do not admit Jews. Now, if you will try the other
side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said,
"I'll have you know I converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said,
"Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied,
"He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied,
"He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And, why was he born In a manger?"
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly,
"Because, a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a
room for the night!"

4.
A guy says to his doctor,
"I can't sleep, but I can't take pills, either."
The doctor says,
"No problem. Here's a suppository with a sleeping pill in it."
The next day the doctor calls Bob and asks,
"Did it work?"
The guy says,
"It worked too well. I woke up with my finger still in my asshole."

5.
"I've got this thing for tall, lean men," said the new coder at the
software company. "That Mike in sales is certainly a long tall drink
of water."
"I hate to bust your bubble honey," replied the office veteran, "but,
for a long tall drink of water, he's got an awful short straw.

6.
Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit.
Moses calls a staff meeting.
Moses: Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast
solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.
The General of the Armies: Normally, I'd recommend that we build a
pontoon bridge to carry us across. But, there's not enough time - the
Egyptians are too close.
The Admiral of the Navy: Normally, I'd recommend that we build barges
to carry us across. But, time is too short.
Moses: Does anyone have a solution?
Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.
Moses: You! You have a solution?
The PR Man: No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out
of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!

7.
Why is sex is like software?
For every one who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

THE DICTIONARY

CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco
rolled in paper
with fire at one end
and a fool at the other!

MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement
wherein
a man loses his bachelor degree
and a woman gains her master

DIVORCE:
Future Tense
of Marriage

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information
from the notes of the lecturer
to the notes of students
without passing through the minds
of either

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man
multiplied by the
number present

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing
a cake in such a way that
everybody believes
he got the biggest piece

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which
masculine will power is
defeated by feminine water-power!

DICTIONARY:
A place where divorce comes
before marriage

CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on

ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel
you are going to feel
a feeling
you have never felt before

CLASSIC:
A book
which people praise,
but never read

SMILE:
A curve
that can set
a lot of things straight!

OFFICE:
A place
where you can relax
after your strenuous
home life

YAWN:
The only time
when some married men
ever get to open
their mouth

ETC:
A sign
to make others believe
that you know
more than
you actually do

COMMITTEE:
Individuals
who can do
nothing individually
and sit to decide
that nothing can be done
together

EXPERIENCE:
The name
men give
to their
Mistakes

ATOM BOMB:
An invention
to bring an end
to all
inventions

PHILOSOPHER:
A fool
who torments himself
during life,
to be spoken of
when dead

DIPLOMAT:
A person
who tells you
to go to hell
in such a way
that you actually look forward
to the trip

OPPORTUNIST:
A person
who starts taking bath
if he
accidentally falls
into a river

OPTIMIST:
A person
who while falling
from EIFFEL TOWER
says in midway
"SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"

PESSIMIST:
A person
who says that
O is the last letter
in ZERO,
Instead of the first letter
in OPPORTUNITY

MISER:
A person
who lives poor
so that
he can die RICH!

FATHER:
A banker
provided by
nature

CRIMINAL:
A guy
no different
from the other,
unless he gets caught

BOSS:
Someone
who is early
when you are late
and late
when you are early

POLITICIAN:
One who
shakes your hand
before elections
and your Confidence
Later

DOCTOR:
A person
who kills
your ills
by pills,
and kills you

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

A HORSE, A Chicken and A Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the
farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he
searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone
to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the
farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length
of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the
chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of
the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the
Farmer's' bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the
aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse,
and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large
puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down
thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out,
saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

SEE BELOW

When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks

Monday, December 15, 2008

Quote of the day:

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her
sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give
you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you
give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and
enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready
to receive a ton of $hit."

XX "Thingies".. you could perhaps say only @ Christmas.. and perhaps get away with it?

1: I prefer breasts to legs.

2: Tying the legs together, keeps the inside moist.

3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.

4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5: I've never seen a better spread!

6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

7: Are you ready for seconds yet?

8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10: Don't play with your meat!

11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14: You still have a little bit on your chin.

15: How long will it take after you put it in?

16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.

20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that.. and still want more...

.. and probably get away with it?

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Christmas Shopping Fun!

1. Randomly put cans of cat food in peoples carts when they are not looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the restrooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
"I think we have a code 3 in house-wares,"
And see what happens.

5. Turn all the radios to a polka station,
Then, turn them all off and turn the volumes to max.

6. Challenge other customers to duel with tubes of gift wrap

7. Put M&M's on layaway.

8. Move "CAUTION_WET FLOOR" signs to carpet areas.

9. Set up a tent in the camping department;
Tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from the
bedding department

10. When someone asks if they can help you,
Begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone?"

11. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while
you pick your nose

12. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full scale
battlefield with G.I. Joes and X-Men

13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

14. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are.

15. Switch signs on the men's and women's bathrooms.

16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from:
"Mission Impossible"

17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign out front.

18. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different
size funnels.

19. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK
ME! PICK ME!!!"

20. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal
position an scream:
"NO!NO! It's those voices again."

21. Go to the food court,
Get a soft drink,
Tell them you don't get out much and would they put one of those
little umbrellas in it.

22. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud,
"Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!"

FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football
game. They had great seats right behind their team's
bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the
experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied,
'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but
I just couldn't understand why they were killing each
other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then
for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm
like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Never end with a preposition

On my 65th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.

After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to
the shaman, and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly,
methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on
my shoulder,
warned, 'This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take
only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will be longer
and harder than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as
long as you want.'

I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop
the medicine from working?'

'Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. 'But when she
does, the medicine will l not work again until the next full moon. '

I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a
spoonful of the medicine, and then invited Cara to join me in the
bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said,
'1-2-3!' Immediately, I was the manliest of men.

Cara was excited and began throwing off her
clothes. And then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with
a preposition.

21st Century....

We are becoming lesser by the day

Our communication - Wireless

Our dress - Topless

Our telephone - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless

Our youth - Jobless

Our food - Fatless

Our labour - Effortless

Our conduct - Worthless

Our relation - Loveless

Our attitude - Careless

Our feelings - Heartless

Our politics - Shameless

Our education - Valueless

Our follies - Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our Job - Thankless

Our Salary - Very Very less

Our emails - useless (especially dis one)!

A Mom's letter to Santa.

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year.

I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the
doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy
bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases,
since I had to write this letter with my son's blue crayon, on the
back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows
when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

1. I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any colour, except
purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the
breeze; but, are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the
candy aisle in the grocery store.

2. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh
month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this
year

3. I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays
adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs
containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret
compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

4. On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes,
Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't
fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without
the use of power tools.

5. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat
in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my
voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only
be heard by the dog.

6. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for
enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or
the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it
being served in a Styrofoam container.

7. If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to
brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare
ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.

8. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around
the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an
organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet
under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.

Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and
come in and dry off so you don't catch cold.

Help yourself to cookies on the table but, please don't eat too many
or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always,

MOM.

P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep
my children young enough to believe in Santa for many years to come.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Laffaday!

There was a farmer who had many pigs.
One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer:
"What do you use to feed your pigs?"
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"
"Because, I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you
don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."
Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question.
The farmer answered:
"Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"
"Because, I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's
unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying
with nothing to eat."
And he fined the farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question.
The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes:
"Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

-------------

"Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?" she said
looking lovingly into her husbands eyes.
"I don't know, but I promise I'll never do it again."

--------------

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed
in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh, no, I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have
one of those."
I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said,
"Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my
American Express."

----------------

One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a
little too much at an office reception.
Although, this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it
to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night, the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant.
Suddenly, he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden
under the passenger seat.
Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking
out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the
car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot.
That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.
"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

---------

A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards...
You need a Heart to love him.
A Diamond to marry him.
A Club to smash his f@*%ing head in.
And a Spade to bury him.

-----------

A new study says that having sex decreases your chances of getting a cold.
The more sex you have, the less you'll have a cold.
Just wait until guys get hold of this.
A woman sneezes and he'll be saying,
"Hey, I've got something for
That."

----------

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a
man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

----------

An enterprising, but bashful sailor finds himself on shore leave in
Korea for his first time.
While the rest of the guys are out having a jolly good time in the red
light district of Pusan, our hero just can't get up the nerve to ask
the local girls how much it costs for a good time.
He sits at his table for a moment watching the girls, and devises a
get laid plan.
One of the local girls approaches him and asks,
"Wat is you name?"
He replies,
"Rick Venus."
She says,
"Lick Penus?"
He says,
"Sure how much?"

----------

If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and
Eve's children would actually have had to have sex with one another
for the earth to have become populated.
This is surely proof positive that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden.

----------

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a
fortuneteller's tent.
Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah...." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball.
"I see you are the father of two children."
"Hah, what a scam you fortune tellers are," said the man
Scornfully. "I'm the father of *three* children."
The woman grinned and said,
"That's what YOU think..."

Enlightened Perspective.

They're written by Andy Rooney, a man who has the gift of saying so
much with so few words.

Enjoy...

I've learned... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet
of an elderly person.

I've learned... That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my
day!' makes my day.

I've learned... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one
of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have
the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned... That no matter how serious your life requires you to
be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold
and a heart to understand.

I've learned... That simple walks with my father around the block on
summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer
it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything
we ask for.

I've learned... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned... That it's those small daily happenings that make life
so spectacular.

I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants
to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are
only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to
surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take
the ones you miss.

I've learned... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned... That one should keep his words both soft and tender,
because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned... That when your newly born grandchild holds your
little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain,
but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more
things I get done.

To all of you.... Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

A Quick Survey on LIPSTICK

What happens to the lipstick used by the ladies...

05% of the lipstick is stuck to cutlery.

25% of the lipstick goes to tissue paper & cotton tabs at the time of
removing the make-up.

15% of the lipstick goes in drain at the time of washing face & lips.

10% is dumped in the garbage as unused.

05% of the Lipstick is found in the woman's stomach due to newer
Flavours & essences.

And the remaining 40% of the lipstick, I guarantee you that you will find it in
man's stomach

TWENTY ways to say "Your Fly is Open"

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall,
And your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows in your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.

13. Paging Mr. Johnson...
Paging Mr. Johnson...

12. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about shaft,
Can you dig it?

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...

1. I thought you were crazy;
Now, I see your nuts.

Have A Good Laugh While You Still Can.

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the
building standing,. Its called the stock market - Jay Leno

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now
being called Wal Mart Street Jay Leno

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker .
The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las
Vegas and an investment banker ? A tie

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left
side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show,
if you get any e mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam.
Don't fall for it - Jay Leno

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his
favourite candy bar - Jay Leno

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even
thicker. They had to include pictures Jay Leno

9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in
San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors,
General Electric and Century 21. - Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my
cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know
whether that refers to mine or the bank's.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Britons may be turning to sex as a cheap way to pass the time

As the credit crunch bites, Britons may be turning to sex as a cheap
way to pass the time, a charity says.

A YouGov survey of 2,000 adults found sex was the most popular free
activity, ahead of window shopping and gossiping.

The Scots were most amorous with 43% choosing sex over other pastimes,
compared with 35% in South England.
Aids charity the Terrence Higgins Trust, which published the survey,
also welcomed recent figures showing an increase in condom sales.

Around 10% respondents to the survey, carried in November, said their
favourite free activity was window shopping and 06% chose going to a
museum as the cheapest way to pass the time.

But, the sexes differed on their priorities, with women preferring to
gossip with friends while men had sex firmly at the top of their list.

Publishing the results to coincide with World Aids Day, the Terrence
Higgins Trust reminded people to practice safe sex and pointed out
that a packet of condoms costs a fraction of the cost of a night out.

Lisa Power, head of policy, said:
We're glad that people are finding ways of relieving some of their
credit crunch woes, but if there's one thing it's worth forking out
for, it's condoms.

Stages of the Married Cold.

Stage 1:
Sugar dumpling, I've really been worried about my baby girl.
That's a bad sniffle and there's no telling about these things
With all the strep that's going around.
I'm going to put you in the hospital for a general check-up and a good rest.
I know the food's terrible,
But, I'm going to bring you dinner every night from Rosini's.
I've got it all arranged with the floor Supervisor.

Stage 2:
Listen, darling, I don't like the sound of that cough.
I'm going to call Doc Miller to rush over here.
Now, you go to bed like a good girl just for papa.

Stage 3:
Maybe you'd better lie down, honey.
Nothing like a little rest when you feel lousy.
I'll bring you something.
Have we got any canned soup?

Stage 4:
Now look, dear, be sensible.
After you've fed the kids and gotten the dishes done and the floor mopped,
You'd better lie down for a while.

Stage 5:
Why don't you take a couple of aspirins?

Stage 6:
Why you'd just gargle or something instead of sitting around barking
like a seal all evening!

Stage 7:
Would you stop coughing on me?!?
Are you trying to give me pneumonia?!?

THE YEAR 1908.

THE YEAR 1908.
This will boggle your mind,
I know it did mine!
The year is 1908.
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some statistics for the Year 1908 :

************ ********* ********* ******
The average life expectancy was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bath-tub.
Only 08 percent of the homes had a telephone.
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
The average wage in 1908 was 22 cents per hour.
The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year .
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year,
A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and
$4,000 per year,

And a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME .
Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools,
Many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as 'sub-standard. '
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg
yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into
their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza.
2. Tuberculosis.
3. Diarrhoea.
4. Heart disease.
5. Stroke.
The American flag had 45 stars.
The population of Las Vegas , Nevada, was only 30!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.
Only 06 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at
the local corner drug-stores.
Back then, pharmacists said,
'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,regulates
the stomach and bowels, and is,
In fact, a perfect guardian of health'
Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or
domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. !

Now,
I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent
it to you and others, possibly all over the world, in a matter of
seconds!

Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.

IT STAGGERS THE MIND!!!

Puns Intended...

A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancée-free.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

A fellow once sat up all night wondering where the sunshine comes from...
Finally, it dawned on him.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said:
'Keep off the Grass.'

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said,
'No change yet.'

Alimony is the high cost of leaving.

I fired my masseuse today.
She just rubbed me the wrong way.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then, it hit me.

It was an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of DA feet.

No matter how much you push the envelope,
It'll still be stationery.

Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant,
So, I gave him a pizza my mind.

The guy who invented the door-knocker got a No-bell prize.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Two Eskimos sitting in their boat were chilly;
But, when they lit a fire in the boat,
It sank,
Proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other,
'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.

When cannibals ate a missionary,
They got a taste of religion.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Kids :)

KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I
wanted to stay with you guys.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their
mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Groaners on Saturday.

1.
"If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they keep
abducting the dumbest people on earth?

2.
An American tourist was visiting in the Netherlands.
During his stay in Amsterdam his watch stopped running.
He asked one of the locals where he could get his watch fixed.
The tourist was guided to the Jewish section of town.
He was then directed toward a shop that had clocks displayed in the window.
The American tourist entered the shop. Inside, behind a desk, sat an
elderly Jewish man with a full beard.
TOURIST: Hello.
JEWISH MAN: Hello.
TOURIST: I came here to have my watch fixed.
JEWISH MAN: Sorry, I don't fix watches. I am a Mohel.
TOURIST: What's a Mohel?
JEWISH MAN: A Mohel is a Jewish Man who performs ritual circumcisions.
TOURIST: Ritual circumcisions! But ,why do you have all those clocks
in the window?!
JEWISH MAN: What would you want me to have in my window?

3.
A couple is throwing a dinner party, and the husband who is very thin
and bony is walking around the house wearing only his boxers.
His wife comes out of the kitchen and says,
"Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on."
"Oh no, I won't," he says. "I want everybody to see how you feed your
husband..."
"Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that
there's nothing that I should feed you for."

4.
Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc
asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.
That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that he found it
real strange how his suit must have shrunk just sitting in his closet,
because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding
recently.
The Doc said,
"Suits don't shrink just sittin' there. You probably just put on a few
pounds, Matt."
That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the
last time I wore it."
"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."
"What in the world is Furniture Disease?"
"Furniture Disease is when you reach that stage in life when your
chest starts sliding down into your drawers

5.
My wife came home from the doctor's the other day and said that he
told her she couldn't make love.
I've known this for years I want to know how he found out!

6.
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
'Why such a price difference for the Politician?'
The cook replied,
"Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes
all morning!"

Thursday, December 04, 2008

If Adam and Eve were Chinese .............

If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise....... Why?
Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple!

X - CAMEL SEX

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in
the Afghanistan Desert . During his first inspection of the
outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men
here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have
'urges'.

That's why we have Molly The Camel.'
The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
about 'urges', so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.
Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his
tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the
ladder, pulls his
pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done,
he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No not really, sir. They usually just ride the camel into town
where the girls are.'

If you ever feel a little bit stupid..

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as
Miss America 1995.)
Question:
If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer:
'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because
if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but
we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry.
I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies
and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life,'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for
federal anti-smoking campaign .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country,'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I'm just the one to do it,'
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .'
-- Dan Quayle
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?'
--Lee Iacocca
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein.'

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.
And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Tech Support - Funny

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still
on my desk... Sorry....

**********

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

**********

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

**********

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every
time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer
and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he
can't find it...

**********

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

**********

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

**********

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

**********

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a
capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

**********

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

**********

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer : Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

**********

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on
my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

**********

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it?

**********

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
printer is working fine."

**********

And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Taking Viagra for diarrhoea

The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and
what they are used for.

The first pupil said: Panadol?

Very good! And what is it used for?

It is used for headache.

The second pupil said: Piriton

Excellent. And what it is used for?

To help you sleep

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: Viagra

Johnny. What is it used for?

I think it can be used for diarrhoea.

Who told you this?

Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father 'take a Viagra,
may be that little shit will get harder'.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Sunday morning sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,

Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her
95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,

'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age,

We figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

'He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along' .

Monday, December 01, 2008

Mick from Dublin

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

You've done very well so far,' said Chris Tarrant, the show's
presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline
left - phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'

'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'
A: Sparrow
B: Thrush
C: Magpie
D: Cuckoo

I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and
phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin '.

Mick called up his mate and told him the circumstances and repeated
the question to him.

'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'm fxxkin sure.'

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'

'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris

'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed,
'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo
that doesn't build it's own nest?

'Because he lives in a Fxxkin clock!!!

Friday, January 30, 2009

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Monday, January 26, 2009

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Friday, January 23, 2009

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Monday, December 29, 2008

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Monday, December 15, 2008

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Friday, December 12, 2008

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Monday, December 01, 2008

Guess what

XX - IF YOU ARE A PRUDE

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