Fwd: Adult Puns...

XXX ADULT PUNS ...

A transvestite from Lyford-By-Tyme
Who was in court for a horrific crime,
Said, "Your honor, oh no!
It cannot be so
For I was a broad at the time."

Science is like sex:
Sometimes something useful comes out,
But
That is not the reason we are doing it.

On Valentines Day, Paul is walking to his girl's house one afternoon
and passes a florist shop.
On a whim he buys a big bunch of flowers for her.
When he gets to her house he holds the flowers out to her.
Instead to taking them she slides her panties off from under her
skirt, lays back on the couch, spreads her legs and says
"This is for the flowers."
Paul looks at her and says
"Oh come now, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."

A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool.
The cat fell in and the rooster laughed.
The cat said,
"A wet pussy always makes a cock happy!"

Martha was having a heart to heart talk with her mom on her first
visit home since heading off to college.
"Mom, I have to tell you, I lost my virginity."
"Well, Hon, I'm not surprised," consoled her mother. "It was bound to
happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable
experience."
"Well, yes, and no."
"What do you mean?"
"The first twelve guys felt great, but after them, my pussy got real sore."

Strippers were being used to smuggle drugs.
Where were they hiding it?
Maybe that's why they call it crack."

A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma
for several years.
On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her.
On doing this she lets out a sigh.
The man runs out and tells the doctor, who says this is a good sign,
and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is
any reaction.
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife.
He rushes out and tells the doctor.
The doctor says this is amazing and is a real breakthrough.
Obviously, the sexual stimulation is getting through to the woman's brain.
The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying
he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the
man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in, then comes out about five minutes later, white as a
sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.
The doctor is shocked and asks what happened.
"She choked."

Instead of "The John" I call my bathroom "The Jim."
That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

Do you wake up in the morning feeling sleepy and grumpy?
Then you must be Snow White.
The husband was perusing a detailed sex manual and his wife asked him why.
He replied that he was tired of being in the same old rut.
"But I don't understand," she protested, "I thought we had a very good
sex life."
"Well," replied the husband, "let me put it to ya another way."

European:
What you're a-doin' in the john.
Gary, a traveling salesman once got caught up in a blizzard and got
shelter with a farmer who had three daughters.
The farmer called him aside and told him,
"Young man, I have three daughters, so stay in your room the whole
night and no tricks, be warned."
In the morning, Gary, the salesman came down and the farmer asked him,
"How was your night, young man?"
"Oh! Slept like a rabbit. Thanks for your hospitality; I will never forget it."
The farmer felt very happy and at the bar that night mentioned this
fact to his close friend.
He was boasting what a good father he had been by keeping his
daughters away from trouble.
His friend laughed aloud and said,
"You fool! A rabbit does not sleep at night. It goes from hole to hole
the whole night!"

Please remember that brandy makes you randy,
And
Whiskey makes you frisky,
But
Its a good stiff Johnnie Walker that makes you pregnant.

It seems I impregnated Marge,
So I do feel by and large,
Some cash should be tendered
For services rendered,
But I can't yet decide what to charge.