Monday, August 17, 2015

Fwd: A FEW INTERESTING AND IRONICAL PARADOXES IN INDIA.....

Indian moms want their daughters to control their

husband and expect their sons to control their wives.

Parents want their children to stand out in a
crowd but expect them to do what everybody else is doing.

Everything that is run by the government looks
very bad except government jobs.

National animal - endangered
National pledge - unintended
National river - polluted

A huge country of 1635 languages.....united by a foreign language.

Government talks about removing the caste system
but you are required to mention your caste on every damn form you fill.

Seeing a policeman makes us nervous rather than making us feel safe.

We often say "Atithi Devo Bhavah" but we do not
allow visitor parking in our residential societies...

Last and the best ones...

We are Always in a hurry but never on time..!

Holy places are very interesting places - The
poor beg outside and the rich beg inside.

Read More...

Friday, August 14, 2015

Fwd: Sex quotes

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz
560SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men
are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I
know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences
money can buy."
Steve Martin
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman.
Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns






--
Please exercise email etiquette by deleting my email address when
'forwarding' to prevent scammers, spammers, hackers and mischief
makers from creating problems for YOURSELF, your friends and others.
Also unless all parties know each other include all email addresses in
bcc so that they are not disclosed and inadvertently forwarded by
others.

Read More...

Monday, July 27, 2015

Fwd: Confession.

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for
an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of
stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to
keep you occupied."
The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"

Read More...

Fwd: Slips of the tongue ...

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator –
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning
and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing
the Cox of the Oxford crew...'

5. US PGA Commentator –
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that,
before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them
........Oh my god !! What have I just said???'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7.. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So, Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too,
because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only
come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it
by himself.'

Read More...

Fwd: Some oldies for a laugh

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practising law.

Read More...

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Fwd: This could be true ...!!!???

The genesis of bureaucracy!

Once upon a time, there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather
forecast for the next few hours.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.

On the way, he met a farmer on his donkey.

Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return
to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge
amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace
meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and
experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave
me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my
way."

So, he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky.

The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled
upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire
the weatherman at once!

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high
paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about
forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my
donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So, the king hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government
and occupy its highest and most influential positions ...

Read More...

Wednesday, July 01, 2015

Fwd: Dear Abby

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull
with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter got married he doesn't even pretend to like me, and
even hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless



Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore!
You're running for President of the United States.

Act like one.

Read More...

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Fwd: Fw: The Great (funny) Albert Einstein Stories...!!

Einstein said, "What I admire most about your art, is its
universality. You do not say a word, and yet ... the world understands
you."
" It's true," replied Charlie Chaplin, "But your fame is even greater:
The world admires you, when nobody understands you."


Charlie Chaplin with Albert Einstein.


The Great Albert Einstein Stories

(1) One day during a speaking tour, Albert Einstein's driver,
who often sat at the back of the hall during his lectures, remarked
that he could probably give the lecture himself, having heard it so
many times. Sure enough, at the next stop on the tour, Einstein and
the driver switched places, with Einstein sitting at the back in his
driver's uniform. Having delivered a flawless lecture, the driver was
asked a difficult question by a member of the audience. "Well, the
answer to that question is quite simple," he casually replied. "I bet
my driver, sitting up at the back there, could answer it!"


(2) Albert Einstein's wife often suggested that he dress more
professionally when he headed off to work. "Why should I?" he would
invariably argue. "Everyone knows me there." When the time came for
Einstein to attend his first major conference, she begged him to dress
up a bit. "Why should I?" said Einstein. "No one knows me there!"



(3) Albert Einstein was often asked to explain the general theory
of relativity. "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it
seems like an hour," he once declared. "Sit with a pretty girl for an
hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity!"



(4) When Albert Einstein was working in Princeton university, one
day he was going back home he forgot his home address. The driver of
the cab did not recognize him. Einstein asked the driver if he knows
Einstein's home. The driver said "Who does not know Einstein's
address? Everyone in Princeton knows.Do you want to meet him?.
Einstein replied "I am Einstein. I forgot my home address, can you
take me there? "The driver reached him to his home and did not even
collect his fare from him.


(5) Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when
the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every
passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest
pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser
pockets. It wasn't there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn't
find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find
it.

The conductor said, 'Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who
you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it.' Einstein
nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching
tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and
saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his
seat for his ticket.

The conductor rushed back and said, 'Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't
worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm
sure you bought one.' Einstein looked at him and said, 'Young man, I
too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going.'

Read More...

Fwd: Whiskey !!

Enjoy some whiskey triviaWhisky Trivia - Interesting!

🔺The world's most expensive bottle of Scotch whisky is Isabella's
Islay ($6.2 million).

🔺The oldest Scotch whisky on the market is the Aisla T'Orten 107
years old, distilled in 1906. It costs $ 1.43 million

🔺Glenfiddich is the world's best-selling single malt

🔺Johnnie Walker Red Label is the world's best-selling Scotch

🔺The Famous Grouse is the best-selling whisky in Scotland

🔺Glenmorangie is the best-selling single malt in Scotland.

🔺The world's fastest growing Scotch today is Black Dog. India is a
major contributor to its sales.

🔺The five most popular single malts globally are Glenfiddich, The
Glenlivet, Glenmorangie Original, Aberlour and Laphroaig

🔺Bruichladdich's The Octomore is the most heavily peated whisky in
the world (167ppm)

🔺The three oldest single malts currently sold are Glenturret, Oban
and Glenlivet

🔺The oldest distillery in Scotland is Glenturret (1775), followed by
Bowmore (1779)

🔺With each bottle of Laphroaig that you buy, you are entitled to a
lifetime lease of one sq foot of the distillery's land, along with a
personalized certificate of ownership

🔺Cadenhead's Whisky Shop on Canongate, has a unique selling point:
customers can have a bottle poured straight from a cask and labeled
with their name. When sealed it has a label with the 'born on date',
as whisky stops aging as soon as it leaves the wooden barrel, so each
bottle is a unique blend.

🔺The highest price paid at an auction for a bottle of Scotch was
$631,850 for a 6-liter The Macallan "M" single malt, in a decanter by
Lalique. (The highest price paid at an auction for a standard sized
Scotch was $460,000 for a 64-year-old Macallan malt whisky)

🔺Edradour is the smallest distillery in Scotland. The entire
operation is run by just three people

🔺The Glenmorangie distillery is one of the smallest in the Highlands
and employs just sixteen craftsmen, called 'The Sixteen Men of Tain'

🔺The most expensive country in which to buy Scotch, ironically, is
the UK, where it is made

🔺In the UK, its home country, the five most popular blended Scotch
whiskies are The Famous Grouse, William Grant's, Bell's, Teacher's and
J&B Rare. Note: Johnnie Walker does not feature in the list of
best-selling blends in its home country.

🔺A closed bottle of Scotch can be kept for 100 years and still be
good to drink. After opening, a bottle of Scotch whisky will remain
good for five years.

🔺The Australian Wine Research Institute has introduced a measure
called a standard drink. In Australia, a standard drink contains 10 g
(12.67 ml) of alcohol, the amount that an average adult male can
metabolize in one hour.

🔺Although their proof differs, standard drinks of beer, wine and
spirits contain the same amount of alcohol – 0.6 ounces each. They're
all the same to a breathalyzer.

🔺18,000 litres of Scotch whisky worth over $800,000 were accidentally
flushed down the drain at Chivas Brothers' Dumbarton bottling plant in
2013.

🔺Experts advise you to drink single malt with just a dash of water.
The water supposedly 'releases the serpent' from the whisky

🔺If there is a serpent, there is also an angel. As it ages, 2-2.5 %
of the whisky maturing in a barrel is lost to evaporation every year.
Distillers refer to this as the 'angel's share'.

🔺There is also a devil. The whisky absorbed by the wood of barrel
during maturation is known as the 'devil's cut'

🔺Some sources claim that the Irish whiskey distillers brought the
Irish custom of triple distillation with them to Scotland.
Auchentoshan was probably started by Irish settlers, led by the
MacBeathas, starting this custom. The source of the name Auchentoshan
is Gaelic. It means 'corner of the field'.

🔺The United States and Ireland spell it as 'whiskey'. A simple way to
remember the spelling: if it comes from a country without an 'e' in
its spelling, then it is spelt 'whisky'. (e.g., Scotland, Canada,
Japan, India, etc.)

🔺Indian 'whisky' is technically flavoured rum, because it's
essentially made from sugar

Read More...

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Fwd: Laughs

This is a conversation that took place between an office girl and a
marketing guy from a leading multinational company.

Marketing guy: Which soap do you use?
Girl: Hema's

Marketing guy: Which hand wash do you use?
Girl: Hema's

Marketing guy: Which deodorant do you use?
Girl: Hema's

Marketing guy: Which toothpaste do you use?
Girl: Hema's

Marketing guy: Which shampoo do you use?
Girl: Hema's

Marketing guy: Which washing powder do you use?
Girl: Hema's

Marketing guy: Okay, okay, tell me, what is this Hema's? Is it an
international company???
Girl: No, she is my roommate!!


SWOT Analysis

A married man was asked to perform his SWOT (Strengths, Weaknesses,
Opportunities and Threats) Analysis.
He said,


Strength: my wife.


Weakness : my neighbour's wife.


Opportunity : when my neighbour goes out.


Threat : when my neighbour comes back unexpectedly.

Read More...

Friday, June 19, 2015

Fwd: Telephone problems

Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few
occasions,
when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set,
and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the
telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel
chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the
number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and
moaning.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Read More...

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Fwd: Hard Facts .... ! !

Hard Facts..!!

(1) Put your wife in a room & lock it.
Put your dog in another room & lock it !!!
Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours & see who is HAPPY to see you,
and who will BITE you !
(Group members are advised not to try this at home as these stunts
were performed by professionals; who are now divorced; and living
happily with their dog!!)

Don't laugh loud !
The extended version says ...

2) Put your husband in a room & lock it.
Put your dog in another room & lock it !!!
Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours & you will be happy to see your
dog waiting for you..
But you'll be angry looking at your husband sleeping like he never
slept before !!!


3) Always keep your spouse's picture as mobile screen saver.
Whenever you face a problem, see the picture & say:
"if I can handle this, I can handle anything!"…
Superb Attitude for Life!!


(4) If wife wants husband's attention, she just has to look sad & uncomfortable.
If husband wants wife's attention, he just has to look comfortable
& happy.

(5) A Philosopher HUSBAND said:-
"Every WIFE is a 'Mistress' of her Husband…
"Miss" for first year & "Stress" for rest of the life…"!!!!


(6) Million Dollar Truth:
If Saturday and Sunday doesn't excite you, then change your Friends.
If Monday doesn't motivate you, then change your profession.
If Monday is too exciting, and you are dying to get to work, then
you should change your spouse!!

(7) Do you remember the tingling feeling when you took the decision to
get married?
That was common sense leaving your body.

Read More...

Tuesday, June 09, 2015

Fwd: Checking whether you still have your marbles intact! has been around though!

Something for seniors to do to keep those "aging" grey cells active!


1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named
April. The second child was named May.
.....What was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches
tall and he wears size 13 sneakers
......What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,
...what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole
.....that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English language
.....is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.
......How is this possible?

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.
.....Why not?

8. What was the President's name
...in 1975?

9. If you were running a race,
.....and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,
... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,
......how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?




Here are the Answers

1. Johnny 's mother had three children.. The first child was named
April The second child was named May. What was the third child 's
name?

Answer: Johnny of course

2.. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches
tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat.

3.. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain
in the world?
Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very
good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three
feet by four feet?
Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?
Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the
summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden
leg. Why not?
Answer: You can 't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera
to take pictures.

8. What was the President 's name in 1975?
Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ... ]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place,
what place would you be in now?
Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second
place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The
yolk of the egg is white"?
Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh!]

11.. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the
other field, how many

haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Impossibilities in the world

1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.




Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

Read More...

Fwd: Kennedy and Khrushchev....................

Kennedy and Khrushchev....................

Henry Kissinger once asked Chou En-Lai to theorize on what might have
happened if Nikita Khrushchev had been assassinated instead of John
F.Kennedy.


After a moment's thought, Chou En-Lai answered:
"I don't believe Mr. Onassis would have married Mrs. Khrushchev."

Read More...

Fwd: Fw: Australian Love Poem...

Australian Love Poem...
Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it's very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket's on
And fetch me another beer

Brings a lump to your throat & a tear to your eye, doesn't it!

Read More...

Wednesday, June 03, 2015

Fwd: A lot of bull

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial
trouble..


In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and
haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and
decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it
for $599, no less.


After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our
ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here
so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it
will cost 99 cents a word.


Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll
only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the
word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here
to haul that bull back
to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'

Read More...

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Fwd: Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee - Urgent Appeal To You

Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee - Urgent Appeal To You ...

I have the distinguished honour of being on the Committee to raise
$50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton.

We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore, until we discovered
there was not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C.
Hall of Fame.
We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed.
It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington,
who never told a lie, or beside her husband William J. Clinton, who
never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the
greatest Democrat of them all.
He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there, he did
not know where he was.
He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone
else's money.

Thank you!
Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee

PS:
The Committee has raised $.16 so far.

Read More...

Fwd: Mahatma Gandhi - A little anecdote about one of life's more interesting characters ...

When Mahatma Gandhi was studying law at the University College of
London, a professor by the name of Peters disliked him intensely and
always displayed animosity towards him.


And because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he
expected, there were always "arguments" and confrontations.

One day Mr Peters was having lunch at the University dining room when
Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to him. The professor
said,"Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit
together to eat."

Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly
replied, "You do not worry, professor. I'll fly away," and he went and
sat at another table.

Peters, red with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper,
but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions.

Unhappy and frustrated, Mr Peters asked him the following question:

"Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package,
and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money,
which one would you take?"

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "The one with the money, of course."

Mr Peters, smiling sarcastically, said, "I, in your place, would have
taken the wisdom."

Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, "Each one takes what he
doesn't have."

Mr Peters, by this time, was fit to be tied. So great was his anger
that he wrote on Gandhi's exam sheet the word "idiot" and handed it
back to him.

Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk, trying hard to
remain calm while he contemplated his next move.

A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to
him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, "Mr Peters, you
autographed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."

Read More...

Friday, May 15, 2015

Fwd: The Sri Lankan Politician and his Pizza

A notorious Sri Lankan politician called up Dominos Pizza and
shouted at the branch manager,

"You idiot, I just received delivery of pizza from your boy and
there's nothing on it!!
No cheese, no toppings, nothing - it's just a circle of plain bread!
What the hell is wrong with you guys?
I am gonna close you guys down permanently and get you personally arrested!!!"

10 mins later his wife calls back to Dominos and apologizes to the
manager, "Sorry, he opened the box upside down!"































--
Please exercise email etiquette by deleting my email address when
'forwarding' to prevent scammers, spammers, hackers and mischief
makers from creating problems for YOURSELF, your friends and others.
Also unless all parties know each other include all email addresses in
bcc so that they are not disclosed and inadvertently forwarded by
others.

Read More...

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Fwd: WHY AMERICAN ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS

WHY AMERICAN ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS ...

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all
the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"

Matt Millen of the Raiders said:
"To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk,University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height.., and, You guys pair
up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to
prison for three years, not Princeton ..."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps
a colour photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen
of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning,
regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining
to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to
be an uncle or an aunt.
(I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he
told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas
why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
"Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."

Read More...