Thursday, August 28, 2014

Sir Winston Churchill was once asked about his position on whisky.

Here's how he answered:
"If you mean whisky, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody
monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates
misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little
children; if you mean that evil drink that topples men and women from the
pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of
degradation, shame, despair, helplessness and hopelessness, then, my friend,
I am opposed to it with every fibre of my being."

"However, if by whisky you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic
wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get
together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment
in their eyes; if you mean good cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a
little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if
you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget
life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink
the sale of which pours into our treasuries untold millions of pounds each
year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind,
our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest
highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation…
then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favour of it..!!!"

"This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of
principle.!!!"
.

Read More...

Monday, August 11, 2014

Fwd: Humour: My Job Search!

My Job Search!



1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got
canned. Just couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, But just couldn't hack
it, so they gave me the axe.


3. After that, I tried being a Tailor,
but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.


4. Next, I tried working in Starbucks,
But I had to quit because it was the same old grind.


5. Then, I tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to
my life, but just didn't have the thyme.


6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,
but any way I sliced it.... I couldn't cut the mustard.


7. My best job was a Musician,
but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.


8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor,
but didn't have any patience.


9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.
Tried hard but just didn't fit in.


10. I became a Professional Fisherman,
but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.


11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance company ,
but the work was just too draining.


12.. So then I got a job in a Workout Centre,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job...


13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a
job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it..

14. My last job was when I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
but that was too exhausting.




SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT



AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

Read More...

Fwd: Our Generation

WE ALL ARE UNIQUE AND THE MOST UNDERSTANDING GENERATION OF OUR TIME

BECAUSE WE ARE THE LAST GENERATION WHO LISTENED TO OUR PARENTS .....


AND ALSO THE FIRST TO HAVE LISTENED TO OUR CHILDREN! ! !

WE ARE NOT SPECIAL .......BUT LIMITED EDITION !

Read More...

Monday, August 04, 2014

Fwd: On a lighter side.....

God asked wives : I'm redesigning men with new hi tech features.
Any suggestions ??
Women : Yes,
that joy stick made for us should be,........ password protected .

Read More...

Fwd: FW: Don't jump to conclusion... Or CONCLUSIONS may jump on to you!

Don't jump to conclusion... Or CONCLUSIONS may jump on to you!


Excellent medical advice

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but its harmful if
done every day.

2. F***ing relaxes your mind & body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing don't eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try f***ing in bed cause it can save you valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
SO, REMEMBER ...

Fasting is good for health & may the good Lord cleanse your dirty mind...

Read More...

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Fwd: Police Stop at 2am

Ron Chestna, a writer and a poet, was stopped by the police around 2
a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night?

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to listen to a lecture about alcohol abuse
and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking cheap
cigars and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really?

Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

Read More...

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Fwd: Chuckles for Today ...

Brilliant musings of some well-known people ...

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not using it in a
fruit salad.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you
should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not
pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed,
but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that
statement..
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if
you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she
stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more
pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its
way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else
starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

May your troubles be less,
May your blessings be more,
And
May nothing
But
Happiness come through your door.


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Also unless all parties know each other include all email addresses in
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others.

Read More...

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Fwd: I nearly became a Doctor

When I was young I decided to go to Medical School.

At the entrance exam we were asked to re arrange

the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important

human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered 'spine' are doctors

today while the rest of us are sending

jokes via email.

Read More...

Thursday, July 03, 2014

Fwd: If there was a shred of doubt the world is totally insane, this will remove it.

If there was a shred of doubt the world is totally insane, this will remove
it.

This says it all...

Pythagoras' Theorem: ..............................24 words.
Lord's Prayer: .................................................. 66 words.
Archemedes' Principle: ..................................67 words.
Ten Commandments: ............................................179 words.
Gettysburg Address:
........................................................286 words.
US Declaration of Independence : .................................1,300
words.
US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: ...............................7,818
words.
EU Regulations on the Sale of CABBAGES: ...................26,911 words


IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD:

1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

TEN (10) THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU:

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it
too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot
category.

Have a great Day!

Laugh, and then Laugh and Sing... It's a Beautiful Morning even when it's
not.

"Do not regret growing older.

It is a privilege denied to many."

Read More...

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Fwd: Politically Incorrect British Humour

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by
turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole
thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

-----------------------------------------------------------

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,
so I did......
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

-----------------------------------------------------------

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and
low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a
spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same
calibre."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.
Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.
It's great though. It does everything –
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."

-----------------------------------------------------------

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the
question please."

-----------------------------------------------------------

On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"

Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakistanis, Somalians,
single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking
people" isn't the right answer.
They've sent my form back.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his
wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.

-----------------------------------------------------------

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex
with me because she can't afford batteries.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the
washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the
12 clothes pegs back..

Read More...

Friday, June 20, 2014

XXXX : 2 Fleas

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a Vacation.

Last year when one flea gets to Miami , he's shivering and shaking.

The other flea asks him, " Why are you shaking so badly?"

The first flea says, " I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache

of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying, " That's the worst way to travel. Try

what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar.

Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess.

Crawl up her leg and nestle in where its warm and cozy. Its the best way

to travel that I can think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try

next winter.

A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Miami he is

shivering and shaking again.

The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?" "Yes," says the

first flea, "I did exactly as you said.

I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this

nice young stewardess came in.

I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm
that I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."

Read More...

Monday, June 16, 2014

XX : Mousketeer

A mouse was sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe
came in and sat down at the end of the bar…

The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink. Soon he had
moved down beside her and ordered her another drink. After a third
round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.

The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the
barstool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and
broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out.

The bartender took one look and said, 'How did it go last night?'

The mouse said, 'Man, that was the best sex I ever had.'

The bartender asked, 'Why do you look so bad?'

The mouse replied, 'Hey between the kissing and the screwing I must
have run 10 miles!'

Read More...

THE POLITE WAY TO CALL SOMEONE A BASTARD

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second
golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the
twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're
about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy
counting his $80.00 he confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring
course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the new Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet
with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation......And, if you want to bring your mother and father along,
I'll marry
them.

Read More...

Ad for British Rail!

A few years ago, British Rail had a real fall-off in business. Looking
for marketing answers, they went searching for a new ad agency—one
that could deliver an ad campaign that would bring their customers
back.

When the British Rail executives went to the offices of a prominent
London ad agency to discuss their needs, they were met by a very rude
receptionist, who insisted that they wait.

Finally, an unkempt person led them to a conference room—a dirty,
scruffy room cluttered with plates of stale food. The executives were
again, left to wait. A few agency people drifted in and out of the
room, basically ignoring the executives who grew impatient by the
minute. When the execs tried to ask what was going on, the agency
people brushed them off and went about their work.

Eventually, the execs had enough. As they angrily started to get up,
completely disgusted with the way they'd been treated, one of the
agency people finally showed up.

"Gentlemen," he said, "your treatment here at our Agency is not
typical of how we treat our clients—in fact, we've gone out of our way
to stage this meeting for you. We've behaved this way to point out to
you what it's like to be a customer of British Rail. Your real problem
at British Rail isn't your advertising, it's your people. We suggest
you let us address your employee attitude problem before we attempt to
change your advertising."

The British Rail executives were shocked—but the agency got the
account! The agency had the remarkable conviction to point out the
problem because it knew exactly what needed to change.

As Yogi Berra once said...

"Before we build a better mousetrap,
we need to find out if there are any mice out there."

I really think this is an excellent mail which suggests a way of
assessing the working of government organisations.

Do you agree? With which of the government organisations could start
this kind oc checking?

Read More...

Golfing arm.

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the
hospital.

Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.

"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good
news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's
arm.

I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course
when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.

My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've
learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes
in watercolours."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was
such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer.

"Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.

Read More...

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Fwd: The Aisle, the Altar, the Hymn

Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery:

Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get
married, begin the quest to change their behaviour and life-style once
their vows are exchanged?

Finally, the riddle is solved.

A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation.
When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down
the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir
singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process starts
where the brain absorbs these three stimuli:

Aisle, altar, and hymn.

She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these
perceptions:

Aisle, altar, hymn……Aisle, altar, hymn……Aisle, altar, hymn.

And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is
complete. She looks up at him smiling sweetly and keeps saying to herself:

'I'll alter him!'

HERE ENDETH THE LESSON

Read More...

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Fwd: Fw: Pregnant Jewish Girl...

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she thinks she is
pregnant. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and
buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is in
fact pregnant.


Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you....? I want to know....!" Without answering, the
girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a
Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and
distinguished man with grey hair and wearing a yarmulke steps
out of the car and enters the house.


He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl
and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I
can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll
take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter
for the rest of her life.



"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail
furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami , and a £1,000,000
bank account." "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of
jewellery stores and a £5,000,000 bank account."

"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do.
What do you suggest....?



All silent at this point, the mother, placed a hand firmly on
the man's shoulder and tells him,

+

+

+

+ you will like this

+

+

+

+

+

+

+

+

+

+
+



"So, you'll try again."

Read More...

Fwd: Polish Pickle factory

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.
For many years he suffered from an overwhelming desire to put his
penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the
factory psychologist.
After six months, the therapist gave up.
He advised Yossel not to do it and that he would eventually find peace of mind.
The very next day, Yossel decided not to heed the advice, but to give
in to his desire.
He came home from work very early that day.
His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in
the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went
ahead and did it, and was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.
She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts, only to find a normal,
intact penis.
She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Yossel replied, "She got fired, too."

Read More...

Monday, May 19, 2014

Fwd: Fw: Beijing Hotel Brochure! - Excellent

Brilliant Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated as only they can.

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the
hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from
Mandarin to English.


Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the
hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in
passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel,
because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the
entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new
guests.

The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are
always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available
in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to
conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note
that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize
social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At
dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle
with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter,
every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of
outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise,
since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by
pederasts.

Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have
any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage
of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and
underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope.
You will struggle to forget it.

Read More...

Fwd: Good, Better, Best

Three classics from New Zealand just for you!


GOOD
A cop from the NZ Police was watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the
road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD!'
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post in the Manawatu with a fine of $160 included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a NZ Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she said,

'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen's Ball.'
He replied, 'New Zealand Policemen don't have balls.'
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said.

He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.

Read More...