Ron Chestna, a writer and a poet, was stopped by the police around 2
a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night?
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to listen to a lecture about alcohol abuse
and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking cheap
cigars and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really?
Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."
Brilliant musings of some well-known people ...
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not using it in a
fruit salad.
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you
should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not
pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed,
but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that
statement..
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if
you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she
stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more
pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its
way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else
starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
May your troubles be less,
May your blessings be more,
And
May nothing
But
Happiness come through your door.
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others.
When I was young I decided to go to Medical School.
At the entrance exam we were asked to re arrange
the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important
human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered 'spine' are doctors
today while the rest of us are sending
jokes via email.
If there was a shred of doubt the world is totally insane, this will remove
it.
This says it all...
Pythagoras' Theorem: ..............................24 words.
Lord's Prayer: .................................................. 66 words.
Archemedes' Principle: ..................................67 words.
Ten Commandments: ............................................179 words.
Gettysburg Address:
........................................................286 words.
US Declaration of Independence : .................................1,300
words.
US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: ...............................7,818
words.
EU Regulations on the Sale of CABBAGES: ...................26,911 words
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD:
1) You can't count your hair.
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.
TEN (10) THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU:
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it
too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot
category.
Have a great Day!
Laugh, and then Laugh and Sing... It's a Beautiful Morning even when it's
not.
"Do not regret growing older.
It is a privilege denied to many."
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by
turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole
thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,
so I did......
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and
low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a
spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same
calibre."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.
Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.
It's great though. It does everything –
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the
question please."
-----------------------------------------------------------
On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"
Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakistanis, Somalians,
single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking
people" isn't the right answer.
They've sent my form back.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his
wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex
with me because she can't afford batteries.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the
washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the
12 clothes pegs back..
Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a Vacation.
Last year when one flea gets to Miami , he's shivering and shaking.
The other flea asks him, " Why are you shaking so badly?"
The first flea says, " I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache
of a guy on a Harley."
The other flea responds saying, " That's the worst way to travel. Try
what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar.
Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess.
Crawl up her leg and nestle in where its warm and cozy. Its the best way
to travel that I can think of."
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try
next winter.
A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Miami he is
shivering and shaking again.
The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?" "Yes," says the
first flea, "I did exactly as you said.
I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this
nice young stewardess came in.
I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm
that I fell asleep.
When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."
A mouse was sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe
came in and sat down at the end of the bar…
The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink. Soon he had
moved down beside her and ordered her another drink. After a third
round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.
The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the
barstool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and
broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out.
The bartender took one look and said, 'How did it go last night?'
The mouse said, 'Man, that was the best sex I ever had.'
The bartender asked, 'Why do you look so bad?'
The mouse replied, 'Hey between the kissing and the screwing I must
have run 10 miles!'
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second
golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the
twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're
about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy
counting his $80.00 he confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring
course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the new Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet
with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation......And, if you want to bring your mother and father along,
I'll marry
them.
A few years ago, British Rail had a real fall-off in business. Looking
for marketing answers, they went searching for a new ad agency—one
that could deliver an ad campaign that would bring their customers
back.
When the British Rail executives went to the offices of a prominent
London ad agency to discuss their needs, they were met by a very rude
receptionist, who insisted that they wait.
Finally, an unkempt person led them to a conference room—a dirty,
scruffy room cluttered with plates of stale food. The executives were
again, left to wait. A few agency people drifted in and out of the
room, basically ignoring the executives who grew impatient by the
minute. When the execs tried to ask what was going on, the agency
people brushed them off and went about their work.
Eventually, the execs had enough. As they angrily started to get up,
completely disgusted with the way they'd been treated, one of the
agency people finally showed up.
"Gentlemen," he said, "your treatment here at our Agency is not
typical of how we treat our clients—in fact, we've gone out of our way
to stage this meeting for you. We've behaved this way to point out to
you what it's like to be a customer of British Rail. Your real problem
at British Rail isn't your advertising, it's your people. We suggest
you let us address your employee attitude problem before we attempt to
change your advertising."
The British Rail executives were shocked—but the agency got the
account! The agency had the remarkable conviction to point out the
problem because it knew exactly what needed to change.
As Yogi Berra once said...
"Before we build a better mousetrap,
we need to find out if there are any mice out there."
I really think this is an excellent mail which suggests a way of
assessing the working of government organisations.
Do you agree? With which of the government organisations could start
this kind oc checking?
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the
hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good
news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's
arm.
I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course
when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've
learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes
in watercolours."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was
such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer.
"Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.
Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery:
Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get
married, begin the quest to change their behaviour and life-style once
their vows are exchanged?
Finally, the riddle is solved.
A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation.
When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down
the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir
singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process starts
where the brain absorbs these three stimuli:
Aisle, altar, and hymn.
She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these
perceptions:
Aisle, altar, hymn……Aisle, altar, hymn……Aisle, altar, hymn.
And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is
complete. She looks up at him smiling sweetly and keeps saying to herself:
'I'll alter him!'
HERE ENDETH THE LESSON
A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she thinks she is
pregnant. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and
buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is in
fact pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you....? I want to know....!" Without answering, the
girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a
Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and
distinguished man with grey hair and wearing a yarmulke steps
out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl
and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I
can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll
take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter
for the rest of her life.
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail
furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami , and a £1,000,000
bank account." "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of
jewellery stores and a £5,000,000 bank account."
"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do.
What do you suggest....?
All silent at this point, the mother, placed a hand firmly on
the man's shoulder and tells him,
+
+
+
+ you will like this
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
"So, you'll try again."
Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.
For many years he suffered from an overwhelming desire to put his
penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the
factory psychologist.
After six months, the therapist gave up.
He advised Yossel not to do it and that he would eventually find peace of mind.
The very next day, Yossel decided not to heed the advice, but to give
in to his desire.
He came home from work very early that day.
His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in
the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went
ahead and did it, and was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.
She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts, only to find a normal,
intact penis.
She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Yossel replied, "She got fired, too."
Brilliant Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated as only they can.
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the
hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from
Mandarin to English.
Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the
hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in
passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel,
because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the
entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new
guests.
The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are
always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available
in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to
conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note
that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize
social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At
dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle
with you.
Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter,
every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of
outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise,
since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by
pederasts.
Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have
any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage
of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and
underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope.
You will struggle to forget it.
Three classics from New Zealand just for you!
GOOD
A cop from the NZ Police was watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the
road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD!'
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)
BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post in the Manawatu with a fine of $160 included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a NZ Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she said,
'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen's Ball.'
He replied, 'New Zealand Policemen don't have balls.'
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
Tokyo, Japan
A man accidently tore a girl's short miniskirt in Tokyo. Before he had
a chance to apologize, the girl did a 90 degree bow, and said: "I am
sorry to give you trouble! The quality of my skirt
is not good." Then she took out a pin, put the skirt back together and left.
New York, Time Square
A man accidentally tore a girl's miniskirt. Before he had a chance to
react, the woman pulled out a business card and gave it to him saying
: "This is my lawyer's card. He will contact you
about this sexual harassment. Better you prepare yourself, then we
will see you in court."
Paris, France
A French man accidently tore a girls' miniskirt. Before he opened his
mouth, the young girl said with a smile: "If you do not mind, a red
rose can represent your apology." The French man
bought her a rose, then they went to a bar, and lastly went to a hotel
discussing what was in the miniskirt .
Thames, England
In the Church Square by Thames, an English man accidently tore the
mini skirt of a young lady. Before he could open his mouth, the young
lady covered her torn spot, then said with a
blush on her face: "Do you mind taking me home sir? I live very close
by…" The English man took his jacket off, put it on her shoulders,
called a cab and took her home safely.
China, Chong Qing, China:
A man accidentally cut open the miniskirt of a young lady. Before the
man could say anything, the young lady slapped the guy and shouted.
"You, sex maniac. Dare to take advantage of
me, I will make sure you go to the labor camp…"
Korea - On the street of Yinchong,
A man accidentally tore a girl's miniskirt. Before the man could
speak, the girl gave him a round kick, then said: "Don't you know that
I have a second degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do."
And my vote
Bangkok, Thailand. - A man accidentally tore the miniskirt of an 18
years old girl. Before the man could apologize, the girl said with a
Buddha hand gesture: "No worries honey, ……we are all
men ."
Life is like a journey on a train...
with its stations...
with changes of routes...
and with accidents!
At birth we boarded the train and met our parents,
and we believe they will always travel on our side.
However, at some station
our parents will step down from the train, leaving us on this journey alone.
As time goes by, other people will board the train;
and they will be significant i.e. our siblings, friends, children, and
even the love of our life.
Many will step down and leave a permanent vacuum.
Others will go so unnoticed that we don't realise that they vacated their seats!
This train ride will be full of joy, sorrow, fantasy, expectations,
hellos, good-byes, and farewells.
Success consists of having a good relationship with all passengers...
requiring that we give the best of ourselves.
The mystery to everyone is:
We do not know at which station we ourselves will step down.
So, we must live in the best way - forgive, and offer the best of who we are.
It is important to do this because when the
time comes for us to step down and leave our seat empty...
we should leave behind beautiful memories
for those who will continue to travel on the train of life.
Thank you for being one of the passengers on my train!
Have a very pleasant journey of life.........!
Three Sardarjis went for a tour to Singapore.
They searched for rooms everywhere and finally got one which is in the
topmost floor of a 100 floor hotel.
After taking rest they started for a local visit.
While leaving the hotel, the manager informed them that they should
reach the hotel before10.00pm or else lift will not be available and
they have to take the steps for which they agreed and went out.
After all the entertainment in the city, they reached back late at 10.30.
Since lift was not available, they decided to take the stairways under
the condition that each sardarji has to tell a story that lasts for 33
floors so that they can reach the 100th floor without much trouble.
After first sardarji finished his story in 33rd floor, the third sardarji said,
"I have a sad story to say, but i will tell at the end only".
Then second sardarji finished his story and the third finished his
story and finally they reached the 100th floor.
Then first sardarji asked what was the sad story.
The third one said,
"I forgot the room key which is on the manager's table".
They once again started back to the first floor and this time the
second sardarji after crossing 33 floors from top said,
" I got a sad story, but I will also say that at the end".
They finally reached the first floor and when asked about the sad
story, the second sardarji said,
" The keys were in my pocket only".
With anger and full tired, they once again start from the first floor.
After reaching the 33rd floor, the third sardarji said,
" I too have a sad story, but I will say at the end only".
Then they reached the 100th floor and the second one asked the third
sardarji about the sad story, he replied:
"This is not our hotel, It is on the other side of road, opposite to this...!!!"
Why did God make man before he made woman? Because he didn't want any
advice on how to do it. - Anonymous
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. -
E. Joseph Cossman
She's too young for Medicare and too old for me to care. - Anonymous
Gray hair is God's graffiti. - Bill Cosby
I lived in Miami for a while, in a section with a lot of really old
people. The average age in my apartment house was dead. - Gabe Kaplan
Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris. - T. G. Appleton
We had a very successful trip to Russia we got back. - Bob Hope
Enjoy life. Think of all the women who passed up dessert on the
Titanic. - Anonymous
Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another
drink. - Anonymous
I know lots more old drunks than old doctors. - Joe E. Lewis
A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays,
etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior
high, high school, and college students.
As she noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young
scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead
of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes
them perspire"
"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out
and the outsides have ben taken off.
The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids,
two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon.
All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the
moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal.
The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in
your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
