Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com

Your space to post your happy stuff. Anything is acceptable except graphically or otherwise offensive material. Feel free to email the link ( www.jokehaus.com ) to your friends. Your content will be seen by many more and will be archived for a longer time (Check Archives for old material). You can email your material to meisterjoker@gmail.com.(We have removed the ability to email directly to the Blog due to spammers sending inappropriate material - but can provide it to you on request). Enjoy.

Friday, November 30, 2012

XXX ADULT PUNS!

She wasn't too bold, not too willing
And she did stare a lot at the ceiling...
But once with this rogue
She put down her vogue
And said, "That was mod'rately thrilling."

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favourite sex
positions.
One says
"I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What
is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend on all fours, mount her from
behind, and reach around and cup her breasts in your hands. Then you whisper
in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's,' and then try to hold
on for 8 seconds."
.

"Nice threads, Man. Where'd you pick 'em up?"
"My old lady got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"
"I'll say. What was the occasion?"
"Got me. I came home from work early the other day, and there they were,
hanging over the chair in the bedroom."

The difference between a bitch and a whore is;
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party,
And
A bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.
"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the
old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'hereafter' routine."
"The' here after' routine -- what's that" she asked?
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm no
longer here."

I'm not saying she's easy,
But
Her pantyhose has a pet door.

Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it.
John's answer was:
"Our house is very small miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep on the
same bed. Every night my father asks, 'John, are you sleeping?' Then I say,
'No' and he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."
The teacher says to him,
"Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't answer."
The following morning, John comes to school and his eye is fine, and the
teacher breathes a sigh of relief.
But the day after that John comes back with another black eye.
"My goodness, John, why the black eye again?"
He tells her,
"Mam, Dad asked me again, 'John are you sleeping?' I shut up and kept dead
still. Then my father and my mother started moving, and Mom was breathing
erratically, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a demented
hyena on the bed. After a while, my father asked my mother, 'Are you
coming?' and my mom said, 'I'm coming. Are you coming. Too?' My dad
answered, 'Yes.'
They don't go anywhere without me, so I said,
'Wait for me.'"

A man and his dog

A man and his dog were walking along a road.
The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he
was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for
years.
He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the
road.

It looked like fine marble..

At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the
sunlight.

When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that
looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like
pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at
a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right
up.'

The man gestured, and the gate began to open. 'Can my friend,' gesturing
toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued
the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a
dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been
closed.

There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and
reading a book....

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'

'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump,' said the man.

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand
pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he
gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was
standing by the tree.

'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said.

'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's
hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their
best friends behind.'

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Conversion

Each Friday night after work, Santa would fire up his outdoor grill & cook a
tandoori chicken & some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbors were strict
Catholics.. & since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken &
meat on a Fridays.The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing
such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
Priest. The Priest came to visit Santa & suggested that he become a
Catholic.After several classes & much study, Santa attended a Mass.. & as
the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, You were born a Sikh, &
raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic!"
Santa's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived. The
wonderful aroma of punjabi tandoori chicken & delicious meat kebabs filled
the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors.. & as
he rushed into Santa's backyard, clutching a rosary & prepared to scold him,
he stopped & watched in amazement.
There stood Santa, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully
sprinkled over the grilling meats & chanted: "Oye, you were born a chicken,
& you were born a lamb, you were raised a chicken & you were raised a lamb,
but now you are a potato & you a tomato..!!"
The Priest fainted....:-) :-

Monday, November 26, 2012

Not quite PC (Definitely NOT)

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful
sods.
All I said was, 'Hurry up for christ's sake, some of us have got homes to go
to!'

Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat
bird who doesn't gobble any more.

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your
tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv
when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What you like
for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank
you, I'll have chicken'. She replied, 'You're having soup you
fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every flower can
survive thirst, but a cactus can. Not every vegetable can
read, but bless you for having a go!

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a
small white patch, so I've called him Birmingham.

In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came
over and says, 'Curry ok?' I said, 'Go on then, just one song
then bugger off'

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn
cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his penis stuck in a condom
machine. They asked him what happened and he said, 'The sign says,
insert £2 and push knob in'.

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a
celebrity, get me out of here'. Show Biz sources think she'll
do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for
the last thirty years.

XX ADULT PUNS!

What do ugly chicks and mopeds have in common?
They are both fun to ride
Till
Your friends catch you on one.

I'm not saying she's easy
But
she's been at more bedsides than Dr. McDreamy.

"So this really drunk, obnoxious guy kept bothering me at the party last
weekend."
"What happened?"
"Well, he cornered me, pulled his thing out of his pants, and asked me, 'Do
you want to taste it?'"
"Oh, My God! What did you do?"
"Well, I think I handled it pretty well. I just said, 'No, you go ahead. You
don't have enough to share.'"

According to a recent issue of Nature Biotechnology, scientists have
implanted human DNA into female goats.
Is that really new?
Lonely farmers have been doing that for years.

"I've had it with my wife." said one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm
filing for an divorce."
"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner.
"May I ask why?"
"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first
"Listen, Frank, with all due respect to your religious beliefs, I just can't
see leaving your wife for what the church says is a sin."
"It ain't just that,Frank. I had a vasectomy over five years ago."

Have you heard about the gigolo in the leper colony?
Everything was fine until his business started falling off.
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and
explaining the phenomenon of 'mixed emotions'.
The husband turned to his wife and said,
"Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will
make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said:
"Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine
until he stuck his index finger up my butt!
Do you think I should change dentists?

A pompous minister was seated next to a Texan on a flight to Dallas.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Texan asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before
him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust,
"I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my
lips."
The Texan looked at the minister, then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said,
"I didn't know we had a choice."

Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

DOUBLE STANDARDS

Hi, I am Julian Assange, I provide private information about
corporations and governments to the public for free. I'm a villain.

Hi, I am Mark Zuckerberg. I provide private information about
individuals to corporations for money. I am Time Magazine's Man of
the Year.

Good old Brits....

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the
Middle East. Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured.

Iraq and Iran are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to
start with providing help to rebuild.The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the
infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

GREAT BRITAIN, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement
Muslims.

God Bless GREAT BRITAIN Damn those Brits are smart !!

The Good Napkins

THE GOOD NAPKINS ... Ahhhhh. The joys of having Girls... My mother taught me
to read when I was four years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the
bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in
the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping ''napkins' in the
bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with
unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for 'special occasions' (her
second mistake).

Now fast forward a few months .... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are
leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for
all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they
returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next
came his wife who gasped, Then began giggling. Next came my father, who
roared with laughter.

Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place
setting on the table with a 'special occasion' Kotex napkin at each plate,
with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail
in so they didn't hang off the edge!! My mother asked me why I used these
and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of
laughter. 'But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!'

Everything is relative-Einstein

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives
off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow
swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your
Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the
Monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He
ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The
Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it
up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled
it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your
monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt,
pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue
ball, he measures everything first."

Irish Road Accident

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

More heavy breathing and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'

If my body was a car

If my body was a car,
this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and
my paint job is getting a little dull...
But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus
And it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it,
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,
Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires

Friday, November 16, 2012

XXXXXXX The French vs The English

During an international gynaecology conference, an English and a French
gynaecologist are discussing various cases they've recently treated.

French Gynaecologist : "Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me,
and 'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon."

English Gynaecologist : "Don't be silly, it couldn't have been that big, my
good man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if it was."

French Gynaecologist : "Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again, always
talkeeng about ze size............... I was talkeeng about ze flavour..."

XXX ADULT PUNS!

A shiftless young fellow of Kent
Had his wife screw the landlord for rent.
But as she grew older,
The landlord grew colder,
And now they live out in a tent.

"How did your evening with your new boyfriend go?"
"It was a disaster. We were nude in bed in heavy foreplay and he had a
premature ejaculation."
"What did he say when it occurred?"
"He just said I was the loveliest girl he had ever come across."

He said,
"Want a quickie?"
She said,
"As opposed to what?"

A friend of mine spreads some light on the vegan swallowing mystery...
Actually, the question of whether or not it is okay for a vegetarian or
vegan to give BJs, and if so, if it was all right to swallow, the general
consensus is:
1. It is perfectly all right to give BJs because no animal is harmed in the
process.
2. It is okay to ingest sperm because it is not an animal.
3. Also, sperm is a good source of protein, something that is often lacking
when meat is removed from the diet.
You're still my favourite lap dance,
Can you guys imagine dating one of these gals?
I can see it in my mind's eye;
Your vegan girl comes home from work all worn out, craving your meat.
She looks at you and says,
"I need to blow you. I haven't had enough protein today. I'm dizzy and weak
and only a protein vanilla slurpee will do." Damn.
A breed of women who not only like performing oral sex, but consider it
nourishment.
I gotta get me a vegan.

A cop pulls over a blond and walks up to the car and unzips his pants.
The blond says,
"Oh no, not another breath test."

I'm not saying she's easy
But
she's had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.

There's nothing better than waking up to your girlfriend giving you a blow
job.
Unless, maybe, it was your wife giving you the blow job.
Or maybe your wife watching her girlfriend give you a blow job.
Better yet, your wife and her girlfriend and your girlfriend all fighting
over who gets to give you a blow job and they all decide to tag team on the
blow job.

What do women and condoms have in common?
They spend more time in your wallet, then on your dick.

A slightly overweight woman was opening up to the group at her weight
watchers meeting.
"My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a
woman with a trim figure."
"Well," the group leader assured her, "Whatever helps you reach your goal!"
"You don't understand," the woman said. "He does it while I'm stuck at these
damn meetings."

Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot.

Leroy's Special needs.....

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed
over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher
asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray for?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his
other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed.

He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined
in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and
asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week.

LAWYERS !

A lawyer defending a man in New York accused of burglary tried this
creative defence: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window
and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to
see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his
limb."

"Well put," the judge replied.

"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to 5 year's imprisonment.
He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on
the bench, and walked out. ...

Don't mess with Lawyers.....manipulation is their game !!

XX ADULT PUNS!

Crime of passion is a phrase that drives me crazy.
A man murdering his girlfriend is not a crime of passion.
Premature ejaculation - that's a crime of passion.

A woman went to the doctor asking for bigger breasts.
The doctor gave her the choice of either having an implant or wearing a
special bra that inflates when you flap your arms up and down.
The woman chose the bra.
The next day she went to a bar to try out her new bra.
She saw an attractive man sitting alone at the bar.
Flapping her arms, she strolled over to flirt with the man, who had started
flapping his legs.
"I see we have the same doctor," he said.

Did you hear about the new deodorant called Umpire?
It's for foul balls.

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about
their love lives.
One woman said,
"I call my husband 'the dentist'. Nobody can drill like he does!"
The second woman giggled and confessed,
"I call my husband 'the miner' because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked,
"Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said,
"The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always comes late, and half the time puts it's in the wrong
box."

The wife comes home to her husband after having been to the doctor.
"How did you get on at the doctors?" asks the husband sympathetically.
"Not very well at all" replies the wife.
"The doctor said I had a nice pussy!"
He said,
"What? Are you sure he said that?"
"Yes, he said I had a nice pussy!" replies the wife indignantly.
So the husband has steam coming out his ears and says he's going to see the
doctor in the morning.
The next morning, the husband's at the front of the line in the doctor's
office.
He barges in and demands to know why he had been speaking so personally to
his wife.
"You said my wife has a nice pussy and I'm going to belt you for it!"
"I did not say that to your wife," denies the doctor. "That would be against
a doctor's moral and ethical practice."
"Look, if my wife says you said it, then you said it. Now I'm going to take
you outside and beat the shit out of you for saying that."
"Wait, wait, wait, wait," cries the doc. "Give me a minute and I'll go and
check my medical records."
Two minutes later the doctor returns,
"No, I didn't say your wife had a nice pussy, I said she had acute angina!"

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs,
But
You come in one, and go in the other!

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat
tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your
dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady. "I
need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your
privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat
yesterday!"

It would be a mistake to put fluoride in condoms
Because
A cavity is exactly what I'm hoping for.

One day, the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage.
She asked,
"Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you, Johnny?"
"Milk!" answered Johnny.
"No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer. Roses drink water," explained the
teacher.
"Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I didn't know the stem was that long!"

This girl-about-town doesn't bother to vote in any election.
Says she doesn't care who gets in.

XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young man named Crockett
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
She just threw the switch,
And Crockett went off like a rocket.

A woman was walking down the street when she was stopped by a man who was
carrying out a survey.
"Excuse me, madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex."
"Really!" said the woman smiling.
"Could you please tell me what you think of sex one the television?"
"Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable, especially
when you've got a vase stuck up your ass!"

The difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion is
At a hockey game you see fast pucks.

Mom walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously
scrubbing his penis with a toothbrush and toothpaste.
"What the heck do you think you're doing, young man!?" she exclaimed.
"Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day,
because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad
as my sister's."

Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the string on
tampons with tinsel.
This will be just for the Christmas period.

The pretty coed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation,
the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel.
Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked,
"How did this happen?"
"Let me put it this way, doc," the girl began. "My boyfriend likes to eat by
candlelight."

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite.
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac
are all sitting one a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their
minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Lets have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the
murderer.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it
again," said the necrophile. "Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill
it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
The room went silent, then everyone turned to the masochist and asked:
"So, what's it gonna be?"
The masochist says,
"Meow."

A woman complained to her vet that her mongrel dog would start to hump her
every time she came into the house.
"Is there anything you can do?" she asked.
"Well," the vet said, "We could cut his testicles off to cut his sex drive
down."
"Oh, no," the woman replied, "that seems a bit rough. Couldn't you just clip
his nails and do something about his bad breath?"

I'm not saying she's easy
But
She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.

XX ADULT PUNS!

In porn flicks the woman once starred.
The men who she works with regard
Her with lots of respect.
She can get them erect.
On old guys it's easy: blow hard.

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast.
He walks in and she says,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment".
He, thinking it's his lucky day, gives her one over the kitchen table.
Afterwards he says,
"What was that all about?"
She says,
"the egg timer's broken!"

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer.
The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked,
"What's the problem, pal?"
"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighbourhood that
pays $40 for a donation!" said the dejected gent.
"Yeah, so?" replied the barkeep.
"Don't you get it?" the man cried out. "I've already let a fortune slip
through my fingers!"

On wall in ladies room:
"My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it:
"I do not"

A guy cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear:
"Could we make love, please dear?"
She rolled over away from him.
"Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied rather
tersely.
Too horny to read the obvious signals the husband pleaded.
"Please, honey. I'll only stick it in for a minute"
"What do you think I am," his wife retorted, "A fuckin' microwave?"

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Naughty girls unbutton your pants.

BLACK ROBBERS - TRUE STORY

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at
a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband
in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her
room.

'I'll be right back and we'll go to eat' she told her husband and carried
the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already
aboard. Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating
figure.

The woman froze. Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.' Her
next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice
gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors
as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another.
Her fear increased!

The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God' she thought, I'm
trapped and about to be robbed!
Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, 'Hit the floor.'

Instinct told her to do what they told her...

The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed
on the elevator floor.. A shower of coins rained down on her.

'Take my money and spare me', she prayed.

More seconds passed.

She heard one of the men say politely, 'Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what
floor you're going to, we'll push the button.'

The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was
trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh..

The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to
help her up.

Confused, she struggled to her feet. 'When I told my friend here to hit the
floor,' said the average sized one, I meant that he should hit the elevator
button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am.'

He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time
not laughing.

The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.' She was
too humiliated to speak.

The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.

When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to
her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she
might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good
evening.

As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as
they walked back to the elevator.

The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went
downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room; a dozen roses. Attached
to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred-dollar bill.
The card said:

"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."

It was signed:

Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan

Friday, November 09, 2012

XXX ADULT PUNS!

One night, a man and his wife were watching TV.
It was about breast implants.
The wife said:
"I wish I had bigger breasts."
The man said:
"You don't have to get silicone breasts, just wipe between your breast with
toilet paper."
"How would that work the wife asked?"
The man said:
" Well, you have been wiping your butt for 50 years and its got bigger!"

I'm not saying she's easy
But
She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.

Finally, Christmas was over and the elves were taking off for their well
deserved vacation.
Chandro the Lead Elf says,
"Man, I've been waiting for this for six months. I'm getting my ass down to
Miami. I'm gonna do nothing, but suck down margaritas, bang as many babes as
I can, and soak up the sun till I get this damn cold out of my bones.."
So, he gets to Miami, checks into his hotel and then heads straight for the
bar.
He spots a gorgeous, tall, well built blonde sitting alone sipping a drink.
So, he goes over, climbs on the stool next to her and orders a margarita.
Downs it, orders another one, downs that too.
He smiles at the blonde and says,
"Hi sweetie, I'm Chandro, Santa's lead elf. What would you say to a little
Fuck"
She looks down and says,
"Hello you little Fuck".

VICE:
Anything you enjoy that is bad for you.

A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon and were settling down
in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night, the landlady met
the man in the hallway.
She said,
"I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if
you and your bride would like to have them?"
"I'll ask her," the young man responded.
Then, he opened his door and called out,
"Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"
"Hey, Pal," she retorted. "If you show me one more trick with that thing,
I'm going home to mother."

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair
But,
By turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole
thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

After several disastrous attempts to synchronize his own and his wife's
libido with the delayed-action effects of Viagra, Tom the Bus Driver was
delighted to hear about a new product called Now -Agra.
Each pill came with strict instructions;
'To be taken only immediately before sex'.
So, Tom phoned his wife - who was equally hungry for some satisfactory
action - and arranged to be home by six that evening.
Whilst he was finishing his day's work, she had a long soak in luxurious
bubble bath, listened to her favourite records, and was truly relaxed and
ready when the clock struck six.
When he wasn't home by eight she was really peed off, and by nine she was
beginning to worry...
Tom came home sheepishly at ten, looking absolutely shattered.
"What happened?"
"Well, I got back to the depot on time and the Inspector asked me to park
the bus at the back of the garage. I thought a few minutes wouldn't make any
difference so I said yes.
Then, I took out the pill, and somehow, after all our other problems, I
thought I ought to give it time to 'kick in'. So, I took it there and
then..."
"And?"
"And I've only just managed to get out from under the steering wheel."

Why did the blonde put condoms one her ears?
She didn't want to get hearing aids.

One night, after his evening service, a priest decided to take a walk.
A wrong turn led him into the red light district.
On the first corner, he saw a hooker dressed in a halter and hot pants
leaning against a lamppost.
Seeing the fallen woman, the priest went up and said,
"My dear, I have spent my nights praying for you."
"No need to do that, Father," the hooker said. "I'm here every night. You
can have me any time you want."

Good girls
Own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls
Own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls
Own the entire Fantasia collection.

Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)