Sunday, August 26, 2012

Broccoli Casserole - Priceless!!!!

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her
eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit
and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father
looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and
said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and
longerrrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A
few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.
This time she didn't even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy,
get away from her, before she
shits on you!'

Read More...

Beer Drinker..

I was leaning up against a bar and this little Chinese guy comes
in and stands next to me. After about 5 minutes, I said to him, "Do
you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or
Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why a fluck you ask me dat? It coz I Chinee?"
"No, no" I said. "It's 'cos you're drinking my beer, you
slanty-eyed little bastard!"

Read More...

X Car talk..

A daughter asked her dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend
said to me, that I didn't understand.

He said that I have a beautiful chassis, 2 lovely airbags and a fantastic
bumper."

Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and pulls
out his dipstick to check the oil, I will give him such a service, that his
motor will cease and his exhaust will fall off." !!!

Read More...

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

You Just Can't Beat These Lawyers

A married lawyer had been having fun in his car with his secretary.

On getting home, his wife saw a pair of panties on the back seat. She tore
it apart, screaming, "What the hell is this? What have you been up to??"
If you were the lawyer, what would your reaction be?
..... beg for forgiveness?
..... honesty is the best policy?
..... (guess before you read on)


He calmly replied, "You have just destroyed the evidence of the rape case
worth a million for me, which I'm handling. You can forget the jewellery you
wanted!"

She quickly fell on her knees apologizing.

No one wins over a Lawyer, even someone called A WIFE.

Read More...

Monday, August 13, 2012

Irish fire insurance.

A man and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London.

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Cork , they went to an Insurance agency to see

how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland

to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it
is on

the screen,it says:

*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.*'


I always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.

Read More...

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."- (bad 'un)

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years.
First guy asks the second guy,

"How have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy,

"I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey; you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, " Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a
d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t
i..f I s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t
s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he
was almost married.

"W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e
s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e
d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k
a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e
a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d, s..h..e c..o u l d d..o
t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w
t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e.."


"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first
friend.

" W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y,
t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e
l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s
l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s"

Read More...

Pastor's Business Card ( A good clean joke)

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it
seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated
knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the
back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card
had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis '
3:10".

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of
laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'
Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I
was naked.'

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?

Read More...

Ahmed & Michael

Two Christian missionaries, David and Michael, were lost in a scorching
desert, dying of thirst and hunger when they saw a mosque up front.
David said:
"Michael, let's pretend we are Muslims. Otherwise, we will not get any food
or water and we will die. My name will be Ahmed. What will be your name?"

Michael refused to change his name.

When both of them reached the mosque, the Imam received them well and asked
their names.
David:
"My name is Ahmed."
Michael:
"My name is Michael."

The Imam turned to his helpers and said:
"Please bring food and water for Michael."
Then he turned to David and said:
"Brother Ahmed, Ramadhan Mubarak."

Read More...

Saturday, August 04, 2012

Creepy true story...read it at your own risk!!

Read this true story... and let everybody you know in and around Mumbai
especially Borivalli ( 4th 5th 6th block)...


My friend lives in Borivalli (W). One day he went there
to visit his uncle for some days as his parents had to attend a wedding in
Coimbatore. One evening he and some other of my college friends went to
Malad for a movie. He had so much fun that he forgot that it's very late. He
caught the last local bus to Borivalli... he reached Borivalli(5th block)
around midnight...


He had to walk about a mile from the bus stop to home...
As he was walking alone, he could sense that the night felt very creepy as
it was so dark. While walking, he was astonished to see an old creepy
looking guy selling some books.
It was a very unusual thing to see a thing like that...
It got the shivers ! on him when he noticed that his old guy
is unusually pale and staring at him...


The old guy said "Son why don't you get a book...it would keep you company".
Then he did something which he would regret for the rest of his life... My
friend started to act brave & thought why not & had a look at his
collections... My friend's hair started to rise up as he noticed that all
the books were related to supernatural activities...
but he found one that was very interesting. So he asked the old man
"how much is it, uncle?"...
The old guy replied, "Well son... this is an interesting book...it's only
for Rs 250.
My friend was shocked and said "but...but... it's expensive" This time the
old man stared which freaked my friend.
My friend quickly checked all his pockets & found Rs. 200 & said "This is
all I have." The old guy replied "It's OK son...
you can have the book for that price" As my friend was just about to run for
home... the old man called back & said "Son ... whatever happen, you don't
ever flip the book to it's last page... remember these words or you would
regret...!!!"


My friend nodded and never looked back ... Reaching home...he quickly asked
his Uncle whether there was any new old book seller nearby? The Uncle
replied "not that I know of but ...we've heard that there's 1 old man comes
once in a while during full moon nights but heard that there is something
creepy about it...why son?"


My friend freaked out... he told his uncle "nothing uncle...just asking". He
started reading the book with the old man's words on his mind. At night, 12
0'clock, as he went to bed, a gush of wind blew which chilled him up to his
bones. At that glimpse, he noticed the wind had blown the pages to its last
page. He remembered what the old man has said! But we humans tend to have
the tendency to know. Out of curiosity, he flipped to
the last page & fainted...

What he saw at the last page is stated below:


Don't look further down if you have a weak heart I warn you





???





???





???





???




???




Original price:-- Rs. 20/-


Promotion price:-- Rs. 10/-

Read More...

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Marital Humour

They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true.
As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.


Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil
in bed.
But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed.


Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!


Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill
u.


Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person
has, you wish you had ordered that.


Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr : married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr : No, but the thought of long life will never come.


Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!


Wife: Darling, today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.


What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
'Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything!!'


What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray
in casinos?
The ones in the casinos are serious.


When I was young I used to pray for a bike,
then I realized that God doesn't work that way,
so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.


A little boy went up to his father and asked :
'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?'
His father replied:
'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have
mine.'


Jimmy's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :
'Jimmy seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time
thinking about girls.'
The mother wrote back the next day:
'If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his
father!'

Read More...

Thursday, July 19, 2012

11 Things Germier Than Toilet Seats

People are understandably squeamish about public restrooms.
But the same people are probably regularly interacting with surfaces that
have far more germs and overall icky-ness than your average public toilet
seat.

For example:

1. Hotel/Motel Bedspread

Unlike the sheets, hotels and motels do not change or launder the bedspreads
on a daily basis.
It's actually more of an annual thing.
And if you don't think there are various bodily fluids lingering in those
coverings, let us remind you that when the bedspread from an internationally
ranked five-star hotel was introduced as evidence in boxer Mike Tyson's rape
trial, investigators found it coated with the DNA of so many different men
that it took some significant time to finally isolate traces of Tyson's
contribution.

2. Purse Bottoms

Many women who fear the germs of public toilet seats don't think twice about
placing their purses down on the floor of the bathroom stall.
Not only that, they also set them on the floor while riding the bus, or
while dining at a restaurant, or while dancing at a nightclub, or on the
bedspread at a hotel (see above).
And then, when they get home, they set that same purse on the kitchen
counter or the dining room table while they rifle through the daily mail or
check their phone messages.

Nelson Laboratories of Salt Lake City tested a random selection of ladies'
purses: those belonging to moms, executive types, and swinging singles.
What did they find?
Pseudomonas, staphylococcus aurous, salmonella, and e-coli.
Many of the handbags had faecal contamination, and those belonging to the
women that frequented dance clubs also had traces of vomit. In layman's
terms, the pocketbooks were infested with harmful bacteria, the types that
can cause all sorts of infections.

3. ATM Keypad

Studies have shown that the various keys on your average ATM serve as a cozy
nesting place for Bacillus Cereus, a bacterium that can cause symptoms in
humans similar to those of food poisoning.
Yet folks casually punch those buttons and then go about their business
without a second thought, touching their eye area to assuage an itch or
holding the Egg McMuffin that they're munching during their morning commute.

4. Office Telephone

Have you ever used a corporate telephone other than the one on your desk?
Who knows what evils lurk on that communal device - other than the 25,127
germs found in a square inch on the average telephone receiver as discovered
in a 2004 University of Arizona study.
Think about it - the person who used that phone before you might not have
the same fastidious hand-washing habits as you, and he/she may have answered
a call immediately upon exiting the bathroom!

5. Restaurant Menu

Servers barely have enough time to take an order from table 11 and then rush
to tables 14 and 17 to deliver that extra side of Ranch dressing and a round
of beverages, respectively.
Do we really expect them to wipe down the restaurant's oft-handled menus
with anti-bacterial wipes in their "spare" time?
The Journal of Medical Virology has reported that flu viruses can survive on
a hard surface for as long as 18 hours.
Think of how many hands have touched that bill of fare before you browsed
over it and then immediately used your fingers to transport dinner rolls or
bread sticks directly to your mouth.

6. Condiment Containers

Speaking of restaurants and germs living on hard surfaces, how many of you
disinfect your hands in between handling the ketchup bottle or salt/pepper
shakers and your food?

7. Grocery / Airport Baggage Carts

So, you're afraid to set your naked hindquarters on a toilet seat that is
routinely cleaned with bleach-infused products, but you push a grocery cart
through your local supermarket bare-handed?
The handle of which has been touched by folks who've coughed or sneezed into
their hands and have also handled packages of raw meat?
And those of you who place items in the fold-out children's seat - does it
not occur to you that many a child's diapered bottom has previously occupied
that space?
A four-year study conducted by the University of Arizona at supermarkets in
Tucson, San Francisco, Chicago, and Tampa revealed that shopping buggies
were rife with such bacteria and viruses as E. Coli, salmonella, and
Staphylococcus.

8. Steering Wheel

As mentioned above, public toilet seats are washed on a regular basis, but
when is the last time you scrubbed down the steering wheel of your vehicle?
During a typical day you might touch things such as a gas pump dispenser,
cash from the bank drive-thru window, and your crying child's runny nose in
the back seat, and then use those same hands to grip the steering wheel
after every transaction without any disinfecting in between.
Oh, did I mention that some of us also eat food and apply eye makeup while
driving with those same hands that are gripping the germ-laden (mainly with
bacillus cereus and arthrobacter) steering wheel?

9. Kitchen Faucet Handle(s)

Dr. Charles Gerba, an environmental biologist at the University of Arizona,
once declared that if an alien from another planet landed in an average
Earth household, he would determine (after a careful bacterial count) that
he should wash his hands in the toilet and use the kitchen sink as a
commode.
Yep, our kitchen sponges and faucet handles are that contaminated with
nasties, mainly because we tend to touch these items many times in the midst
of handling raw meat, eggs, and poultry while preparing a meal.

10. Gym Equipment

How many of you who work out regularly at a gym grip the handrails on the
treadmill or the handlebars on the stationary bike without a second thought?
Or perhaps you grasp a series of different free weights during your
strength-building workout.
Odds are that at sometime during your workout you'll swipe a sweaty fist
across your eyes or scratch an itch some place on your person (an innocent,
unconscious activity that might break the skin and unintentionally place a
virtual welcome mat inviting infection).
You might be interested to know that the nasty
"superbug"methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (better known as
MRSA), which can survive on non-host surfaces for up to a month, has been
found on various gym machines in studies done across the U.S. That's in
addition to the sarcinia, candida specie, and staphylococcus epi that was
also harvested from the various standard gym apparatus.
And don't get us started on what was found on the floors of the showers!

11. Swings and Monkey Bars and Such

OK, this particular hotbed of germs might affect your offspring more than
you, but it's certainly worth a mention, especially if you allow your child
to munch on snacks while they romp.
If your child ever frolics on the monkey bars, jungle gym, swings, ball pit,
etc., of a communal play area, then his hands are a virtual Petri dish of
disgustingness after each and every play date.
Besides the traces of human fecal material found on such equipment in many
studies, there is also the fact that kids with runny noses tend to use their
hands as handkerchiefs while playing, and various birds in the area use
playground equipment as their personal comfort station.

Read More...

Incomplete Computer Glossary

BIT:
A word used to describe computers,
As in 'Our son's computer cost quite a bit.'

BOOT:
What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about
your computer skills.

BUG:
What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more
than 15 minutes.
Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after getting your name on
the mailing list.

CHIPS:
The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to
leave their computers for meals.

COPY:
What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at
the computer and not enough time studying.

CURSOR:
What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform as in "You
$#$%c% computer!"

DISK:
What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven
hours at a clip.

DUMP:
The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install you
computer.

ERROR:
What you made the first time you went into a computer showroom 'just to
look.'

EXPANSION UNIT:
The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and
all its peripherals.

FILE:
What your secretary can do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that
the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.

FLOPPY:
The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise
and a steady diet of junk food. (See Chips).

HARDWARE:
Tools, such as lawn mowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid
a finger on since getting your computer.

IBM:
The kind of missile your family would like to drop on you so that you'll pay
attention to them again.

MENU:
What you'll never see again after buying your computer, since you'll be to
poor to eat in a restaurant.

MONITOR:
Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually
refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see you hall pass at
school.

PROGRAMS:
Those things you used to look at on your television screen before you hooked
you computer up to it.

RAM:
What you do the side of you computer when it's not working properly.

RETURN:
What lot of people do to their computers after only a week and a half.

TERMINAL:
A place where you can find buses, trains, and really good deals on hot
computers.

WINDOW:
What you heave the computer out of when you accidentally erase a program
that took you three days to set up.

Read More...

XXX ADULT PUNS!

There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me."

Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
Because he comes only once a year and then its down a chimney.

A man and woman were having marital problems.
So, they went to see a marriage counselor.
The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin
his analysis said,
"Tell me about anything the two of you have in common."
The husband spoke up and said,
"Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."

The worst thing a bride can say on her wedding night is,
"I'm glad I didn't throw my vibrator away."

My husband, my kids, and I were on vacation in a quaint resort town.
There was a local there who gave carriage ride to sightseers.
He had his horse parked outside the ice cream parlour as I was exiting with
my husband and my four-year-old daughter. Now, I'm embarrassed to say this,
but this horse had an erection, and my daughter was fascinated.
As a bunch of tourists gathered around the horse, feeding and petting him,
she yelled out,
"Daddy! That horse has a penis---like you!"
I was mortified until I noticed that the women in the crowd seemed to be
staring at me in admiration.

What's another name for a sex-change operation?
Artificial infemination.


They now have an Italian airline that flies out of Genoa.
It's called Genitalia.

Read More...

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

X Little Johnny and the cats

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many
will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and
another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and
another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2,
how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

A very angry Teacher: Where the f*ck do you get seven from?!?!?



Very angry Johnny: Because I've already got a f**king' cat at home!!!

Read More...

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbours are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

Read More...

XXX ADULT PUNS!

When a corpulent spinster named Snow
Was approached by a dwarf for a blow
She replied, "I have pride!
Your request is denied
I could never, Sir, stoop quite that low."

It takes 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg
Because
They won't stop to ask directions.

After dinner, Jill settled on the couch next to John and started removing
his clothes.
Wordlessly, she made it clear that they were going to make love.
Afterward, John said,
"That was very nice, but why didn't you just say something?"
Jill purred,
"At dinner you said you'd like a little piece and quiet around here
sometimes."

What' the difference between a woman and a boxer?
The boxer stands up to be knocked down.
The woman lies down to be knocked up.

Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: "Fun fun fun worry worry
worry"
A. "Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry..."

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal
seated next to him at the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she
said that she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley. And I know
that's a lie because I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

Have you heard about the Indian whore?
She did it for a thousand bucks.

I come from a mixed marriage.
My mother was a big, fat, ugly Baptist who married a skinny, little Jewish
guy from New York.
They divorced when I was 12, and she sat me down one day and told me,
"In 19 years of marriage to your father, I never had an orgasm. Tell me. Is
that too much information for a 12-year old?" So I looked at her and said,
"Of course not. Jews don't eat pig."
Mom and I were never very close after that.


Mother:
What seems to be the problem with you? You have been married three years and
still no children. I had hopes of being a grandmother by now.
Daughter:
I just don't know, Mom! Billy tries all the time, it's just that I have a
lot of trouble swallowing.

Wife in bed to praying husband:
"What are you praying for?"
"Guidance,"
"You pray for stiffness, I'll guide it myself."


How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an altar boy.

Read More...

Khrushchev, Kissinger, & Chou

Henry Kissinger once asked Chou En-lai to say what might have happened if
Nikita Khrushchev had been assassinated instead of John F. Kennedy.

After a moment's thought Chou En-lai answered: "I don't think Mr Onassis
would have married Mrs Khrushchev".

Read More...

Delightful English!

My tentative travel plans for the rest of 2012:

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you
can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be
driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family
and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too
much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit
there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the
adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the
stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in.
It's an age thing.

Read More...

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

XX ADULT PUNS!

A peach is a peach
A plum is a plum
A kiss isn't a kiss without some tongue
So open your mouth
Close your eyes and
Give your tongue some exercise!

She was only an apple-grower's daughter,
She couldn't wait to get it in cider.

An alligator went to the doctor for a physical.
He told the doctor that he used to be able to swim downstream under water
for ten miles and eat everything he saw.
"Now," he mused, "I don't care about eating. All I want to do is sit on the
beach and watch the food float by."
The doctor looked him over thoroughly and said,
"Here's two pills for you."
"What are they like?" the alligator asked.
"Hmmm. Well let's say they are a lot like Viagra," extolled the doc.
"Cripes, Doc! I don't need anything like that! What are they really for?"
Looking him over the Doc responded,
"Well, they're for 'Reptile Dysfunction'"

What should you do if an elephant comes in your window?
Learn to swim.

"So after a few minutes of pretty heavy making out, I asked, 'Are you ready
for some oral sex now?'"
"Oh, I'll bet he jumped at that chance."
"Yeah, but he nearly jumped out of his skin when I said, 'Good! Go home and
call me.'"

I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is
That it's the only time he hears someone tell him,
"Wow, that's a big one!"

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Monday, July 16, 2012

HELL EXPLAINED 'BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT'

For you educators and the educated, I submit the following for your
consideration:
HELL EXPLAINED
'BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT'

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the Professor shared it
with colleagues,
Via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of
enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)
Or
Endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant,

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.

So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell
And
The rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely...

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not
leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell,
let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions
And
Since people do not belong to more than one religion,
We can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are,
We can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
same,
The volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell,
Then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
Then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be
true,
And
Thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over,
It follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct.....
....leaving only Heaven,
Thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why,
Last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

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