Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Marital Humour

They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true.
As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.


Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil
in bed.
But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed.


Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!


Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill
u.


Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person
has, you wish you had ordered that.


Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr : married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr : No, but the thought of long life will never come.


Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!


Wife: Darling, today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.


What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
'Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything!!'


What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray
in casinos?
The ones in the casinos are serious.


When I was young I used to pray for a bike,
then I realized that God doesn't work that way,
so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.


A little boy went up to his father and asked :
'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?'
His father replied:
'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have
mine.'


Jimmy's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :
'Jimmy seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time
thinking about girls.'
The mother wrote back the next day:
'If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his
father!'

Read More...

Thursday, July 19, 2012

11 Things Germier Than Toilet Seats

People are understandably squeamish about public restrooms.
But the same people are probably regularly interacting with surfaces that
have far more germs and overall icky-ness than your average public toilet
seat.

For example:

1. Hotel/Motel Bedspread

Unlike the sheets, hotels and motels do not change or launder the bedspreads
on a daily basis.
It's actually more of an annual thing.
And if you don't think there are various bodily fluids lingering in those
coverings, let us remind you that when the bedspread from an internationally
ranked five-star hotel was introduced as evidence in boxer Mike Tyson's rape
trial, investigators found it coated with the DNA of so many different men
that it took some significant time to finally isolate traces of Tyson's
contribution.

2. Purse Bottoms

Many women who fear the germs of public toilet seats don't think twice about
placing their purses down on the floor of the bathroom stall.
Not only that, they also set them on the floor while riding the bus, or
while dining at a restaurant, or while dancing at a nightclub, or on the
bedspread at a hotel (see above).
And then, when they get home, they set that same purse on the kitchen
counter or the dining room table while they rifle through the daily mail or
check their phone messages.

Nelson Laboratories of Salt Lake City tested a random selection of ladies'
purses: those belonging to moms, executive types, and swinging singles.
What did they find?
Pseudomonas, staphylococcus aurous, salmonella, and e-coli.
Many of the handbags had faecal contamination, and those belonging to the
women that frequented dance clubs also had traces of vomit. In layman's
terms, the pocketbooks were infested with harmful bacteria, the types that
can cause all sorts of infections.

3. ATM Keypad

Studies have shown that the various keys on your average ATM serve as a cozy
nesting place for Bacillus Cereus, a bacterium that can cause symptoms in
humans similar to those of food poisoning.
Yet folks casually punch those buttons and then go about their business
without a second thought, touching their eye area to assuage an itch or
holding the Egg McMuffin that they're munching during their morning commute.

4. Office Telephone

Have you ever used a corporate telephone other than the one on your desk?
Who knows what evils lurk on that communal device - other than the 25,127
germs found in a square inch on the average telephone receiver as discovered
in a 2004 University of Arizona study.
Think about it - the person who used that phone before you might not have
the same fastidious hand-washing habits as you, and he/she may have answered
a call immediately upon exiting the bathroom!

5. Restaurant Menu

Servers barely have enough time to take an order from table 11 and then rush
to tables 14 and 17 to deliver that extra side of Ranch dressing and a round
of beverages, respectively.
Do we really expect them to wipe down the restaurant's oft-handled menus
with anti-bacterial wipes in their "spare" time?
The Journal of Medical Virology has reported that flu viruses can survive on
a hard surface for as long as 18 hours.
Think of how many hands have touched that bill of fare before you browsed
over it and then immediately used your fingers to transport dinner rolls or
bread sticks directly to your mouth.

6. Condiment Containers

Speaking of restaurants and germs living on hard surfaces, how many of you
disinfect your hands in between handling the ketchup bottle or salt/pepper
shakers and your food?

7. Grocery / Airport Baggage Carts

So, you're afraid to set your naked hindquarters on a toilet seat that is
routinely cleaned with bleach-infused products, but you push a grocery cart
through your local supermarket bare-handed?
The handle of which has been touched by folks who've coughed or sneezed into
their hands and have also handled packages of raw meat?
And those of you who place items in the fold-out children's seat - does it
not occur to you that many a child's diapered bottom has previously occupied
that space?
A four-year study conducted by the University of Arizona at supermarkets in
Tucson, San Francisco, Chicago, and Tampa revealed that shopping buggies
were rife with such bacteria and viruses as E. Coli, salmonella, and
Staphylococcus.

8. Steering Wheel

As mentioned above, public toilet seats are washed on a regular basis, but
when is the last time you scrubbed down the steering wheel of your vehicle?
During a typical day you might touch things such as a gas pump dispenser,
cash from the bank drive-thru window, and your crying child's runny nose in
the back seat, and then use those same hands to grip the steering wheel
after every transaction without any disinfecting in between.
Oh, did I mention that some of us also eat food and apply eye makeup while
driving with those same hands that are gripping the germ-laden (mainly with
bacillus cereus and arthrobacter) steering wheel?

9. Kitchen Faucet Handle(s)

Dr. Charles Gerba, an environmental biologist at the University of Arizona,
once declared that if an alien from another planet landed in an average
Earth household, he would determine (after a careful bacterial count) that
he should wash his hands in the toilet and use the kitchen sink as a
commode.
Yep, our kitchen sponges and faucet handles are that contaminated with
nasties, mainly because we tend to touch these items many times in the midst
of handling raw meat, eggs, and poultry while preparing a meal.

10. Gym Equipment

How many of you who work out regularly at a gym grip the handrails on the
treadmill or the handlebars on the stationary bike without a second thought?
Or perhaps you grasp a series of different free weights during your
strength-building workout.
Odds are that at sometime during your workout you'll swipe a sweaty fist
across your eyes or scratch an itch some place on your person (an innocent,
unconscious activity that might break the skin and unintentionally place a
virtual welcome mat inviting infection).
You might be interested to know that the nasty
"superbug"methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (better known as
MRSA), which can survive on non-host surfaces for up to a month, has been
found on various gym machines in studies done across the U.S. That's in
addition to the sarcinia, candida specie, and staphylococcus epi that was
also harvested from the various standard gym apparatus.
And don't get us started on what was found on the floors of the showers!

11. Swings and Monkey Bars and Such

OK, this particular hotbed of germs might affect your offspring more than
you, but it's certainly worth a mention, especially if you allow your child
to munch on snacks while they romp.
If your child ever frolics on the monkey bars, jungle gym, swings, ball pit,
etc., of a communal play area, then his hands are a virtual Petri dish of
disgustingness after each and every play date.
Besides the traces of human fecal material found on such equipment in many
studies, there is also the fact that kids with runny noses tend to use their
hands as handkerchiefs while playing, and various birds in the area use
playground equipment as their personal comfort station.

Read More...

Incomplete Computer Glossary

BIT:
A word used to describe computers,
As in 'Our son's computer cost quite a bit.'

BOOT:
What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about
your computer skills.

BUG:
What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more
than 15 minutes.
Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after getting your name on
the mailing list.

CHIPS:
The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to
leave their computers for meals.

COPY:
What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at
the computer and not enough time studying.

CURSOR:
What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform as in "You
$#$%c% computer!"

DISK:
What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven
hours at a clip.

DUMP:
The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install you
computer.

ERROR:
What you made the first time you went into a computer showroom 'just to
look.'

EXPANSION UNIT:
The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and
all its peripherals.

FILE:
What your secretary can do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that
the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.

FLOPPY:
The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise
and a steady diet of junk food. (See Chips).

HARDWARE:
Tools, such as lawn mowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid
a finger on since getting your computer.

IBM:
The kind of missile your family would like to drop on you so that you'll pay
attention to them again.

MENU:
What you'll never see again after buying your computer, since you'll be to
poor to eat in a restaurant.

MONITOR:
Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually
refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see you hall pass at
school.

PROGRAMS:
Those things you used to look at on your television screen before you hooked
you computer up to it.

RAM:
What you do the side of you computer when it's not working properly.

RETURN:
What lot of people do to their computers after only a week and a half.

TERMINAL:
A place where you can find buses, trains, and really good deals on hot
computers.

WINDOW:
What you heave the computer out of when you accidentally erase a program
that took you three days to set up.

Read More...

XXX ADULT PUNS!

There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me."

Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
Because he comes only once a year and then its down a chimney.

A man and woman were having marital problems.
So, they went to see a marriage counselor.
The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin
his analysis said,
"Tell me about anything the two of you have in common."
The husband spoke up and said,
"Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."

The worst thing a bride can say on her wedding night is,
"I'm glad I didn't throw my vibrator away."

My husband, my kids, and I were on vacation in a quaint resort town.
There was a local there who gave carriage ride to sightseers.
He had his horse parked outside the ice cream parlour as I was exiting with
my husband and my four-year-old daughter. Now, I'm embarrassed to say this,
but this horse had an erection, and my daughter was fascinated.
As a bunch of tourists gathered around the horse, feeding and petting him,
she yelled out,
"Daddy! That horse has a penis---like you!"
I was mortified until I noticed that the women in the crowd seemed to be
staring at me in admiration.

What's another name for a sex-change operation?
Artificial infemination.


They now have an Italian airline that flies out of Genoa.
It's called Genitalia.

Read More...

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

X Little Johnny and the cats

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many
will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and
another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and
another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2,
how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

A very angry Teacher: Where the f*ck do you get seven from?!?!?



Very angry Johnny: Because I've already got a f**king' cat at home!!!

Read More...

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbours are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

Read More...

XXX ADULT PUNS!

When a corpulent spinster named Snow
Was approached by a dwarf for a blow
She replied, "I have pride!
Your request is denied
I could never, Sir, stoop quite that low."

It takes 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg
Because
They won't stop to ask directions.

After dinner, Jill settled on the couch next to John and started removing
his clothes.
Wordlessly, she made it clear that they were going to make love.
Afterward, John said,
"That was very nice, but why didn't you just say something?"
Jill purred,
"At dinner you said you'd like a little piece and quiet around here
sometimes."

What' the difference between a woman and a boxer?
The boxer stands up to be knocked down.
The woman lies down to be knocked up.

Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: "Fun fun fun worry worry
worry"
A. "Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry..."

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal
seated next to him at the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she
said that she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley. And I know
that's a lie because I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

Have you heard about the Indian whore?
She did it for a thousand bucks.

I come from a mixed marriage.
My mother was a big, fat, ugly Baptist who married a skinny, little Jewish
guy from New York.
They divorced when I was 12, and she sat me down one day and told me,
"In 19 years of marriage to your father, I never had an orgasm. Tell me. Is
that too much information for a 12-year old?" So I looked at her and said,
"Of course not. Jews don't eat pig."
Mom and I were never very close after that.


Mother:
What seems to be the problem with you? You have been married three years and
still no children. I had hopes of being a grandmother by now.
Daughter:
I just don't know, Mom! Billy tries all the time, it's just that I have a
lot of trouble swallowing.

Wife in bed to praying husband:
"What are you praying for?"
"Guidance,"
"You pray for stiffness, I'll guide it myself."


How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an altar boy.

Read More...

Khrushchev, Kissinger, & Chou

Henry Kissinger once asked Chou En-lai to say what might have happened if
Nikita Khrushchev had been assassinated instead of John F. Kennedy.

After a moment's thought Chou En-lai answered: "I don't think Mr Onassis
would have married Mrs Khrushchev".

Read More...

Delightful English!

My tentative travel plans for the rest of 2012:

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you
can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be
driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family
and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too
much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit
there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the
adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the
stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in.
It's an age thing.

Read More...

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

XX ADULT PUNS!

A peach is a peach
A plum is a plum
A kiss isn't a kiss without some tongue
So open your mouth
Close your eyes and
Give your tongue some exercise!

She was only an apple-grower's daughter,
She couldn't wait to get it in cider.

An alligator went to the doctor for a physical.
He told the doctor that he used to be able to swim downstream under water
for ten miles and eat everything he saw.
"Now," he mused, "I don't care about eating. All I want to do is sit on the
beach and watch the food float by."
The doctor looked him over thoroughly and said,
"Here's two pills for you."
"What are they like?" the alligator asked.
"Hmmm. Well let's say they are a lot like Viagra," extolled the doc.
"Cripes, Doc! I don't need anything like that! What are they really for?"
Looking him over the Doc responded,
"Well, they're for 'Reptile Dysfunction'"

What should you do if an elephant comes in your window?
Learn to swim.

"So after a few minutes of pretty heavy making out, I asked, 'Are you ready
for some oral sex now?'"
"Oh, I'll bet he jumped at that chance."
"Yeah, but he nearly jumped out of his skin when I said, 'Good! Go home and
call me.'"

I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is
That it's the only time he hears someone tell him,
"Wow, that's a big one!"

Read More...

Monday, July 16, 2012

HELL EXPLAINED 'BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT'

For you educators and the educated, I submit the following for your
consideration:
HELL EXPLAINED
'BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT'

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the Professor shared it
with colleagues,
Via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of
enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)
Or
Endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant,

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.

So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell
And
The rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely...

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not
leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell,
let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions
And
Since people do not belong to more than one religion,
We can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are,
We can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
same,
The volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell,
Then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
Then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be
true,
And
Thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over,
It follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct.....
....leaving only Heaven,
Thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why,
Last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Read More...

XX ADULT PUNS!

An Asian woman walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2,000
yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, she walked in with 2,000 yen, and was handed $66.
She asked the teller why she got less money that week than the previous
week.
The teller said,
"Fluctuations. "
The Asian woman stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned
around and shouted,
"Fluc you Amelicans, too! "

My father wore the pants in the family -
- at least after the court order.

Jack left for a two day business trip to Chicago.
He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his
plane ticket on top of his dresser.
He turned around and headed back to the house.
He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen.
He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest
negligee.
She looked so good that he quietly tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and
squeezed her left tit.
"Just leave one quart of milk," she said. "Jack won't be here for breakfast
tomorrow."

Have you heard about the pregnant unwed mother?
Nobody could figure out what had gotten into her.

A blonde and her boyfriend were setting at home one night and became bored.
"Hey, let's play a game" she said.
"What game?" was his bored reply.
"Let's play hide'n'seek. I'll give you a blow-job if you can find me,"
replied the blonde.
"What if I can't find you?" he answered, still bored.
"I'll be behind the piano," she said.

The most active muscle in a woman is the penis.

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.
"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to
entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity." "Well, I'm pretty much
on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm
attentive to the wife." "One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the
midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment
next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that
racket on the weekends?'"

Hear about the college jock who flunked his geography final?
He thought Lapland was a private room at the local strip club.

A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to
question her husband.
"I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?"
The husband replied,
"Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it
alone."
The wife continued to beg and plead.
Finally, the husband gave in.
"Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, YOU,
eight, nine, "

Remember,
If you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde's new
car.
Suddenly, some jerk pulled in front of them.
The blonde then put her lips on the steering wheel.
The brunette feared for her life, but had the courage to ask,
"What are you doing?!"
The blonde calmly replied,
"I'm trying to blow the horn."


A fundamentalist Baptist minister in Georgia, sorely tempted, finally
propositioned the choir director one night after practice, when they were
alone in the church.
"Where should we do it, Reverend?" she enthusiastically replied.
"Right here one the floor!" he panted.
"It'd be too cold." she whispered. "How about standing up?"
"Good lord, girl! Have you taken leave of you senses?" he shouted. "If
anyone came in, they'd think we were dancing!"

Read More...

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Housework

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work
to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another
in the dryer.

Dinner was on the stove and the table set.

She was astonished!

It turns out that Chuck had read an article that said, 'Wives who worked
full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.'

The night went very well.

The next day, Janice told her Red Hat friends all about it.

'We had a great dinner. Chuck even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the
kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away.
I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that... Chuck was too tired.'

Read More...

Friday, July 13, 2012

XXX ADULT PUNS!

A little boy goes to his father and asks,
"Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers,
"Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I
first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail
with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room,
and Googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard
drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of
us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
"You've got male!"

I'm not much for pills,
But I'm taking Ginkgo-Viagra.
I want to remember what sex was like.

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive
blonde bowed her head slightly and said,
"No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."
"Why is that," the host asked?
Her reply was:
"Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks, anyone can!"


A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them down.
Bam! Bam! Bam!
Then, he orders three more.
The bartender's having a slow night and appreciates the business, but is
also concerned.
"Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem?"
The guy answers,
"I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave my wife alone. I've
had my suspicions about our next-door neighbour, so I hung a weight from the
bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl of cream."
The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another.
"So, you came home and found cream on the weight?"
The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says,
"It's worse than that. The cream had been churned into butter."

The biology teacher at the all-girl academy was handing back a test on male
anatomy on which the girls did poorly.
"I don't understand why you girls can't understand the male sex organ.
You've had it pounded into you all semester.

Dave sold strawberries off his truck out in the suburbs.
He knocked one the door of a house.
"Wanna buy some strawberries?"
"Come around the back," answered the pretty young blonde.
Dave walked to the rear, rang the bell, and the woman opened the door.
To Dave's shock, she stood there stark naked.
Not a stitch of clothes on.
Dave started to cry.
"What's the matter?" asked the blonde.
"Today, my wife ran away with my best friend," explained Dave, "I lost three
thousand dollars on the stock market, and now you're gonna screw me out of
my strawberries."

You know a bank robber is gay
When he ties up the safe and blows the guard.

Read More...

GROUCHO MARX HAD SOME OF THE BEST LINES...

Who are you going to believe,
Me or your own eyes?

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

Room service?
Send up a larger room.

Those are my principles.
If you don't like them I have others.

He may look like an idiot
&
Talk like an idiot
But
Don't let that fool you.
He really is an idiot.

I never forget a face,
But
In your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A child of five could understand this.
Fetch me a child of five.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down,
I was convulsed with laughter.
Someday I intend reading it.

You know I could rent you out
As a decoy for duck hunters?

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy,
&
I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Why should I care about posterity?
What's posterity ever done for me?

Why,
I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Military justice is to justice
What military music is to music.
Military intelligence is
A contradiction in terms.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.
How he got into my pajamas,
I'll never know.

There is no sweeter sound than
The crumbling of your fellow man.

I must say that I find television very educational.
The minute somebody turns it on,
I go to the library and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening,
But this wasn't it.

If I held you any closer
I would be on the other side of you.

I must confess,
I was born at a very early age.

I don't care to belong to a club that
Accepts people like me as members.

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.

Either he's dead
Or
My watch has stopped.

Remember men,
We're fighting for this woman's honour;
Which is probably more than she ever did.

Women should be obscene
And
Not heard.

Why was I with her?
She reminds me of you.
In fact, she reminds me more of
You than you do!

Behind every successful man is
A woman,
Behind her is his wife.

As soon as I get through with you,
You'll have a clear case for divorce
And
So will my wife.

Well,
Art is art, isn't it?
Still,
On the other hand,
Water is water!
&
East is east
&
West is west
&
If you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce
They taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
Now, uh...
Now you tell me what you know.

Marry me
&
I'll never look at another horse!

I married your mother
Because
I wanted children,
Imagine my disappointment,
When you came along.

Whatever it is
I'm against it.

A woman is an occasional pleasure
But
A cigar is always a smoke.

Outside of a dog,
A book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog,
it's too dark to read.

Quote me as saying
I was mis-quoted.

Read More...

JUST FOR LAUGHS

Advertisement In a Long Island Shop:
Guitar, for sale........ Cheap...............no strings attached.

Sign In A Bar:
'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.'

Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way....

Behind Every Great Man,
There Is A Surprised Woman.

The Reason Men Lie Is Because
Women Ask too Many Questions..

Getting Caught
Is The Mother Of Invention.

Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You sleep Alone

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit:
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business..

Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The
Manager.


Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ...
One Lung At A Time!

On a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. More The Success, More The Relatives.

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...
I Gave Up Reading

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses....
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:
Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick..
Or when your Son starts To wipe It Off

Read More...

ADULT PUNS!

The Federal Witness Protection Program has come up with a sure-fire method
for making absolutely certain that people entering the program are NEVER
found by anyone.
They just change the witness's name to G. Spot.

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar
and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on
his face.
The best man says,
"Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up you look
so excited."
The groom replies,
"I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am
marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest,
brightest smile on her face.
The maid of honour notices this and says,
"Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up,
you look so excited."
The bride replies,
"I have just given the last blow job of my entire life. "

Ant hole:
Where an uncle likes to come.

Mary and Sue were always trying to get the other's goat and today they were
meeting for lunch.
Mary noticed that Sue was walking bowlegged and asked what the problem was.
Sue replied,
"Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big, I just can't take it."
Mary replied,
"I know. I know."

You don't want Monica Lewinsky and Tonto in your car at the same time.
You might wind up with a blown Injun.

A knockout blonde with a fine set of knockers complains to the doctor,
"I believe I am losing my mind. I can't remember ANYTHING over five
minutes!"
The doctor answers, in his most comforting tone,
"Just take off all your clothes, miss, and lie down."

Kay goes to the optometrist.
The Doctor tells her,
"You've got to stop masturbating!"
"Why Doc," she asked, "am I going blind?"
"No," the Doctor explained, "but you're upsetting the other patients in the
waiting room!"

Why should you always travel with a six-pack in the winter?
In case you have to leave a message in the snow!

Back in the 60's, Lederle (proneounced: led-RR-lee) Laboratories, a leading
drug company, would have the same prefix for many of their trademarked
drugs.
They were all prefixed with Leder:
Ledercillian, Ledermycin, Lederject, Ledercort, Lederfolin, Ledertrexate and
so on.
They even came up with a birth control drug,
Called it Lederalone.

Read More...

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Company Chairman Talks ...

1. "We will do it" means "You will do it"


2."You have done a great job" means "More work to be given to you"


3. "We are working on it" means "We have not yet started working on the
same"


4. "Tomorrow, first thing in the morning" means "Its not getting done "At
least not tomorrow!"


5. "After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views" means "I have
already decided, I will tell you what to do"


6. "There was a slight miscommunication" means "We had actually lied"


7. "Lets call a meeting and discuss" means "I have no time now, will talk
later"


8. "We can always do it" means "We actually cannot do the same on time"


9. "We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of
the deadline" means "The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."


10. "We had slight differences of opinion "means "We had actually fought"


11. "Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you"
means "Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"


12. "You should have told me earlier" means "Well even if you told me
earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"


13. "We need to find out the real reason" means "Well I will tell you where
your fault is"


14. "Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure
that the work is not affected," means, "Well you know..."


15. "We are a team," means, "I am not the only one to be blamed"


16. "That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about
it"


17. "All the Best" means "You are in trouble"

Read More...

Mysteries Around You [interesting]

Look at your zipper. See the initials YKK?
It stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha,
The world's largest zipper manufacturer.

40 percent of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

Chocolate kills dogs!
True, chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system.
A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.

Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as a medicine.

Leonardo DA Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the
same time.

Leonardo DA Vinci invented scissors.
Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made
of wood.

There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you
could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.

The original name for the butterfly was "flutterby"!

By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back,
You can't sink in quicksand.

Mosquito repellents don't repel... They hide you.
The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a
toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than the entire Nike
factory workers in Malaysia combined.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.

Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked
out of it by her doctor.

The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, prick your fingers into its
eyeballs.
It will let you go instantly.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

The "pound" (#) key on your keyboard is called an octothorp.

The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

Dreamt" is the only word in the English language that ends in "MT".

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

In Chinese, the KFC slogan "finger lickin' good" comes out as "eat your
fingers off".

A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head..

We shed 40 pounds of skin a lifetime.

Yo-Yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines

Mexico City sinks about 10 inches a year.

Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV.

Blue is the favorite colour of 80 percent of Americans.

When a person shakes their head from side to side, he is saying "yes" in Sri
Lanka

There are more chickens than people in the world.

The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest.

There are more telephones than people in Washington , D.C. .

The average four year-old child asks over four hundred questions a day.

The average person presses the snooze button on their alarm clock three
Times each morning.

The three wealthiest families in the world have more assets than the
Combined wealth of the forty-eight poorest nations.

The first owner of the Marlboro cigarette Company died of lung cancer.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

Our eyes remain the same size from birth onward, but our noses and ears
Never stop growing.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV.

A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation.
Death will occur about 10 days without sleep, while starvation takes a Few
weeks.

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.

When the moon is directly overhead, you weigh slightly less.

Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never telephoned His
wife or mother because they were both deaf.

A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a Carpenter in
order to nag him constantly and study his reactions.
After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe
leaving her mentally retarded

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language

Colgate faced a big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking
Countries because Colgate translates into the command "go hang Yourself."

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

"Bookkeeper" is the only word in English language with three consecutive
Double letters.

Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed
People do.

The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every Letter
in the English language.

If the population of China walked past you in single line, the line Would
never end because of the rate of reproduction

China has more English speakers than the United States

Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell.

Each square inch of human skin consists of twenty feet of blood vessels.

An average person uses the bathroom 6 times per day.

Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood we have only 206 in our
Bodies.

Beards are the fastest growing hairs on the human body. If the average Man
never trimmed his beard, it would grow to nearly 30 feet long in his
Lifetime.

According to Genesis 1:20-22, the chicken came before the egg.

The longest place name still in use is:
Taumatawhakatangihangaoauauotameteaturi-
Pukakpikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu a New Zealand hill.

If you leave Tokyo by plane at 7:00am, you will arrive in Honolulu at
Approximately 4:30pm the previous day.

Scientists in Australia 's Parkes Observatory thought they had positive
Proof of alien life, when they began picking up radio-waves from space.
However, after investigation, the radio emissions were traced to a Microwave
in the building.

Wearing headphones for an hour increases the bacteria in your ear 700 times.

More than 40,000 parasites and 250 types of bacteria are exchanged during a
French kiss..

Men can read smaller print than women, but women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start
with.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on
one row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men!!

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

People say,
"Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a
millisecond. Also, it was believed in olden times that the sneeze expelled
an evil spirit.

Read More...

XXX ADULT PUNS!

Sign on the dormitory wall in a convent:
'Lights Out By 10:00
Candles Out By 11:00'

I was shopping at our local supermarket.
When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde ahead of
me, firmly embracing a beautiful brunette, and they were sharing a rather
passionate French kiss.
As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked the
blonde,
"Paper or plastic?"
"It doesn't matter," she replied, "I'm bisacksual."

When you make music using a pair of metallic dildos,
You are using phallic cymbals.

A man from Bangladesh named Abdul was bragging that in his country there are
79 different ways to make mad passionate love.
A gent from Florida listened incredulously.
"Why that's amazing. Where I come from there's only one way."
"Just one?" Abdul asked. "And which way is that?"
"Well," the Floridian began, "the man gets on top of the woman,"
"Praise Allah!!" exclaimed Abdul, "Number 80!"

"Did you know that Linda has become a vegetarian?"
"Really? Wow!"
"Yep, and she's become a lesbian, as well. I guess she doesn't want 'meat'
of any kind!"

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife
with a newborn baby.
Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
"Was it my friend Sam," he demanded.
"No!" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.
"No!" she said even more upset.
"Well, which of my no good friends did this then?!" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

The amorous dove often got pigeonholed.

I was having a drink at a local restaurant when I spotted an attractive
woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering my courage, I approached her and asked,
"Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't come over to your place tonight!"
With everyone in the restaurant staring, I crept away, puzzled and
humiliated.
A few minutes later, the woman walked over to me and apologized.
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I'm a graduate student in
psychology and I'm studying human reaction to embarrassing situations."
At the top of my lungs I responded,
"What do you mean, two hundred dollars?"

You know the barman hates you when
You find a string in your Bloody Mary.


Messing around with a girl in a canoe, and Bud-Light are alike.
Both are both fuckin' close to water.

Read More...