XXX ADULT PUNS!

I got a sweater for Christmas...
Really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Little Bobby says
"Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?"
His mom says,
"Why, a stork, little Bobby."
Little Bobby says,
"Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies?"
His mom says,
"A raven, dear."
Little Bobby then says,
"Then, what kind of bird brings no babies at all?"
His mom says,
"A swallow!"

The law prohibits sex between lawyers and their clients
This is to prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
service.

A wife is having sex with her husband's best friend one day.
Soon the phone rings, so she answers it.
"Yes. . .  Uh huh. . . OK. . . Yes. . . Bye"
Her husband's best friend says,
"Who was it?"
"That was my husband," she replied
The man jumped out of bed, and tried to put on his clothes in a hurry.
"Relax," said the wife. "He just called to tell me he was out playing golf
with you"

I was sexually abused as a child,
First, by my right hand, then, by my left.

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were in the midst of a bitter divorce.
Unable to amicably resolve their differences, they ended up in court.
After considering all the evidence, the judge addressed Mickey.
"Mickey, I'm afraid there is insufficient evidence to substantiate your
claim that Minnie is insane."
Mickey replied,
"Damn it Judge. I didn't say she was insane. I said she was fuckin' Goofy!"

Bernie says to his wife Sarah,
"Let's go out tonight, darling and have some fun."
Sarah replies,
"OK, but if you get home before I do, please leave the light in the hall
on."

Fearing that she might be a haemophiliac, the prostitute went to see her
doctor.
"It's awful," she says. "Every time I get even a small cut, it takes days
for the bleeding to stop."
"I see," said the physician. "And how much do you lose when you get your
period?"
She thought for a moment, then answered,
"About five grand.

What should you do if your date yells,
"I can't take it any longer."?
Tell her not to worry;
it's not gonna get any longer!

A young Irish boy falls in love with a girl and takes her home to meet his
family.
The boy, his lady friend, and his family gather around the dining room
table, and his mother asks the girlfriend what she does.
The girl hesitates, then says,
"I'm a prostitute."
The mother screams, faints and has to have water splashed in her face to
bring her round.
"Forgive me, my dear. But I don't think I heard that correctly. Did you say
you were a prostitute?"
"Yes," says the girl.
The mother laughs and says,
"Thank goodness. For a moment I thought you said you were a Protestant."

I caught my son having sex today.
I then said to him,
"Go to your room and think about what you have done!"
Five minutes later, I walked in to his room to find him having a wank.

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Confucius Say...

When you see the handwriting on the wall,
You're in a public restroom.
...
Man who jumps through screen door
Likely to strain himself.
...
New wives are like computers...
They go down unexpectedly.
...
Best time to buy new mattress,
At first sign of spring.
...
He who sneeze without tissue,
Take matter in own hands.
...
Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
...
People having gift of gab,
Not know how to wrap it up.
...
When the chips are down,
The buffalo is empty.
...
First breathe of love is
The last breath of wisdom.
...
The definition of a true genius is
A nudist with a memory for faces.

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Historic knowledge or myths

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras.
One's image was either sculpted or painted.
Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with
one arm behind his back while others showed
Both legs and both arms.
Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be
painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted.
Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer
more.
Hence the expression,
"Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."


As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May
and October)!
Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice
and bugs) and wore wigs.
Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool.
They couldn't wash the wigs,
So, to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the
shell, and bake it for 30 minutes.
The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig."
Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears
to be or is powerful and wealthy.


In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one
chair.
Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for
dining.
The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone else ate
sitting on the floor.
Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this
chair during a meal.
To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge.
They called the one sitting in the chair the "chair man."
Today in business, we use the expression or title "Chairman" or "Chairman of
the Board."


Personal hygiene left much room for improvement.
As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood.
The women would spread bees' wax over their facial skin to smooth out their
complexions.
When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another
woman's face she was told,
"mind your own bee's wax."
Should the woman smile, the wax would crack,
Hence, the term "crack a smile."
In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . . .
Therefore, the expression "losing face."


Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front.
A proper and dignified woman as in "straight laced". .
Wore a tightly tied lace.


Common entertainment included playing cards.
However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only
applicable to the "Ace of Spades."
To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead.
Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be
stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck."


Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the
people considered important.
Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their
assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars.
They were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and
political concerns.
Many assistants were dispatched at different times.
"You go sip here" and "You go sip there."
The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local
opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip."

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Kid's say the darndest things...

Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals
of amusing things their students have written in papers.
Here are a few examples:


- The future of "I give" is "I take."

- The parts of speech are lungs and air.

- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the
population.

- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones.

- The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk
from rayon.

-He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly
constipated authorities.

- The climate is hottest next to the creator.

- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

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Minds

Small Minds - Talk of people

Average Minds - Talk of events

Great Minds - Talk of ideas
Greatest Minds - Act in silence

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Snappy Comeback Lines

"Did you take a bath?"
"Why, Is there one missing?"

"Are you chewing gum?"
"No, I'm John Smith."

"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house."
"Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"

"What are you going to be when you graduate?"
"An old man"
"I spent three years in college taking medicine."
"Are you well now?"

"Do you say a prayer before you eat?"
"No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook."
"I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner."
"Who wants to eat friends?"

"We are having mother for dinner, darling."
"Make sure she's well done."
"I want some rat poison."
"Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"

"It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other."
"Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."
"May I hold your hand?"
"No, thanks, It isn't heavy."

"Does water always come through the roof in this place?"
"No, sir, only when it rains."
"When will you straighten out the house, dear?"
"Why? Is it tilted?"

"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?"
"No, you'll have to walk"
"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance"
But why? My wife isn't dangerous."

I have changed! My mind."
Thank heaven!
Does it work better now?"
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colours do you have?

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HOW TO STAY YOUNG...

1.
Throw out nonessential numbers.
This includes:
Age,
Weight
&
 Height.
Let the doctor worry about them.
That is why you pay him/her.

2.
Keep only cheerful friends.
The  grouches pull you down.

3.
Keep learning.
Learn more about:
Computer,
Crafts,
Gardening,
Whatever.
Never let the brain idle.
"An idle mind is the  devil's workshop."
&
The devil's  name is  Alzheimer's.

4.
Enjoy the simple things.

5.
Laugh often,
Long and loud.
Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6.
The tears happen.
Endure,
Grieve,
&
 Move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7.
Surround yourself with what you love,
Whether it's family,
Pets,
Keepsakes,
Music,
Plants,
Hobbies,
Whatever.
Your  home is your refuge.

8.
Cherish your health:
If it is good,
Preserve it.
If it is unstable,
Improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve,
Get help!

9.
Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip
To  the mall,
To the next county,
 To a foreign country,
But
NOT to where the guilt is.

10.
Tell the people you love that you love them,
At every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of  breaths we take,
But
By the moments
That take our breath away.

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Letter of Apology from the Hospital

 Dear Sir:

The results from the laboratory confirm that the red ring around your penis
was not cancerous.  It was lipstick mark.

We apologize for the amputation.

 Regards,


Dick Less, MD,  F.R.C.s.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

Confucius Say:
A 400 pound lady, who likes both men and women,
Is a bisexual built for two.

While making up her teen-age daughter's bed, she was shocked to discover a
large carrot under the pillow.
When Mary Jo came home, Mother demanded an explanation of the carrot.
"Mother, I want to be honest with you," she confessed, "for the past few
weeks that carrot has been my husband." "Well," the Mother replied,
"consider yourself a widow, because your husband just went into tonight's
stew!"

Dancing:
A vertical expression for horizontal intention.

On the first night of their honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped
into a sexy, but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into
bed, only to find that her husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he
replied,
"Because it's Lent."
"Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard," she exclaimed,
close to tears. "To whom and for how long?"

The difference between light and hard is,
You can sleep with a light on.

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some
time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his
hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained,
"I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable ass hole!" she screamed.
"That's funny," he muttered, "You even sound exactly like her."

What should you do if your date yells,
"I can't take it any longer"?
Tell her not to worry; it's not gonna get any longer!

A woman answers the phone in a busy office,
'Good morning, Cleveland Parachute Club.'
A startled man on the other end replied,
'Excuse me, but isn't this the Cleveland Prostitute Club'?
'Oh no sir,' came the embarrassed reply, 'this is the Cleveland Parachute
Club.'
'Damn!' said the man. 'I'm afraid I made a big mistake. Last week your
salesman called and signed me up for two jumps a week'

What do you call a gay dentist?
A tooth fairy!

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Generations!!

People born before 1946 were called The Silent & Powerful Generation.

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers.

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X.

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?

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In mutable Laws (Which Cannot Be Avoided)

1,  When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free,
The keys are in the opposite  pocket.
( Von Fumbles Law)


2.  A door will snap shut only when
You have left the keys inside.
(Yale Law Of Destiny)


3.  When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue,
Your nose will start to itch.
( Law Of Ichiban)


4.  Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened.
(Insurance So Sorry Law)


5.  When things seem to be going well,
You've probably forgotten to do something.
(Cheny's Second Corollary)


6.  When things seem easy to do,
It's because you haven't followed all the instructions.
 (Destiny Awaits Law )


 7. If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his,
It's probably because you have not  realized the seriousness of the problem
(Law Of Gravitas)


 8. Most problems are not created nor solved,
They only change appearances.
  (Einstein's Law Of Persistence)


9.  You will run to answer the telephone
Just as the party hangs up on you.
(Principle Of Dingaling)


 10. Whenever one wants to connect with the Internet,
The call you've been waiting for all day will arrive.
(Principle of BT)


 11. If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time,
They will always be at the same time.
(Law Of Wasteland)


 12. The cost is always higher than one budgets for,
And it is exactly 3.14 times higher,
Hence the importance of pi.
(Law Of Pi Eyed)


 13. The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is
Directly proportional to the need to be clean.
(Law Of Campbell Scoop)


14. Each and every body submerged in a bathtub
Will cause the phone to ring.
   (Law Of Ohmy Gad)


 15. Each and  every body sitting on a commode
Will cause the doorbell to ring.
(Law Of Ogolly Gee!)


16. Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo.
(The Donking Principle)


17. After discarding something not used for years,
You will need it one week later.
(Law Of Fatal Irreversibility)


18. Arriving early for an appointment will
Cause the receptionist to be absent,
And
If one arrives late,
Everyone else has arrived before you.
(Law Of De Lay)


 19. Do not take life too seriously,
Because in the end,
You won't come out alive anyway."
(Theory Of Absolute Certainty)

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XX Adult Puns!

Philosophers aren't a good source
For sexual info, of course
For advice on their art
Consult nympho or tart
And don't put Descartes 'fore the whores.

Taking Viagra is like an attraction at Disneyland.
You have to wait an hour for a three minute ride.

A little boy walks into the living room where his parents are entertaining a
large gathering of their friends and loudly announces,
"Mommy, I have to poop!"
The mother takes the boy to the bathroom and says,
"Now, Billy, the next time you have to go to the bathroom , say, 'Mommy, I
have to whisper.'"
"Okay," says the boy.
That night little Billy wakes up at 3:00 AM and goes to his parents' bedroom
where they are sound asleep.
He goes up to his mother and says,
"Mommy, I have to whisper."
The mother drowsily replies,
"I'm too tired now. Go whisper in Daddy's ear.

Prostitute:
A woman who makes her living being laid back but who is always pressed for
cash.

A woman goes into a dentist's office.
After he is through examining her he says:
"I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."
The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful! I'd rather have a
baby!"
To which the dentist replies,
"Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

I know an 80 year old man who has sex almost every day.
He almost has it on Monday, almost has it on Tuesday

The blonde full-bosomed high-school cheerleader confessed to her kindly old
Priest that she'd often have sex with her boyfriend in the front seat of his
car.
"Now my daughter," consoled the Priest, "I'm sure if you think about it,
you'll know you've been doing something wrong."
"Yeah, I guess you're right." replied the cheerleader. "It probably would be
more comfortable in the back seat."

Two nuns are walking down an alley when two guys jump out of the dark.
They start raping the nuns and the first nun says,
"Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do!"
The second one says,
"This one does!"

Three women were returning to their village when they spotted a man,
obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them. As they watched him
stumbling, he fell face down into a mud puddle.
When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she
recognized him.
However, his face was so covered with mud that she bent over and unzipped
his pants.
She remarked,
"Well, he's not my husband."
The second woman peering over her shoulder agreed,
"Your right, he's not your husband."
The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and
said,
"He's not even from our village."

Confucius say,
"Girl who sits on Judge's lap get honourable discharge."

A man went to his doctor for a check-up.
Half way through, the doctor told him to take down his trousers.
The doctor stood back in surprise, as there was a squirrel in a chauffeur's
uniform in the man's shorts.
Did you know you have a squirrel dressed as a chauffeur in your pants?"
asked the doctor.
"Yes," answered the man, "he's driving me nuts."

The difference between a blonde and a brick is
A brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

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Poster Sign Posted by Bangkok's Tourism Authority.

"Loyal husbands
will go straight
to Heaven...

and Disloyal
will enjoy Heaven
on Earth!!!
The choice is yours!"

- Bangkok Tourism.

 

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Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know,
but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying
'Hello.'

I politely said,
'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed
the last two digits.

After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an asshole!'
And hung up.

I wrote his number down
with the word 'asshole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,
when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an asshole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program?'

He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an asshole!'
And hung up.

One day I was at the store,
getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW
cut me off and pulled into the spot
I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled
that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later,
right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,
'Yes, it is.'

I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said,
'Yes, I live at  34 Oaktree Blvd. , in  Fairfax
It's a yellow ranch style house
And the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked,
'What's your name?'

He said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said,
'Yes?'

I said,
'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up,
and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem,
I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called asshole #1.

He said,
'Hello'

I said,
'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked,
'Are you still there?'

I said,
'Yeah!'

He screamed,
'Stop calling me'

I said,
'Make me.'

He asked,
'Who are you?'

I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said,
'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax ,
a yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,'
and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said,
'Hello?'

I said,
'Hello, asshole,'

He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said,
'You'll what?'

He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass'

I answered,
'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my
gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .....
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax ..

I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

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XX ADULT PUNS!

Said Madam at small house of sin,
On greeting at door, two large men,
"I'm busy tonight
Although things are tight
Perhaps I can squeeze you both in"
(Gary Hallock)

I wouldn't want to fly Virgin.
Who'd want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way?

Undoubtedly, the most infamous hotel (or motel to be precise) is the Bates
Motel of 'Psycho' movie fame.
They've done remakes of the movie, but I hear that someone would like to do
a remake which is half-horror, half-porno.  The new movie will be named the
'Master Bates Motel'.

I wish I could talk to my doctor about erectile dysfunction,
But for some reason it never comes up.

A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have the greatest
relationship.
"You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of
you."
"Why," she asks, "because you miss me?"
"No, because it keeps me from coming too fast."

What is the difference between a gigolo, a doctor, a rabbi, and a chorus
girl?
A gigolo is a penis vendor,
A doctor a penis mender,
A rabbi is a penis ender,
A chorus girl is a penis bender.

A guy picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home.
While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.
"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were
undressing.
"Nah," he replied and pulled out his old fella.
"I do all my talking with this."
"Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to
say, do you?"

What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your vasectomy.


A lady enters the dental surgery, takes off her stockings, underwear, makes
herself comfortable in the chair, spreads her legs apart.
Dentist:
"Madam, are you sure you're in the right place? Probably, you need the
gynaecologist "
Lady:
"No. I'm in the right place all right. You made the dental plate for my
husband last week, didn't you? Now remove it, please."

The cheapest meat is deer balls,
They're under a buck.

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One Liners***

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst,
For they are sticking to their diets.

Perhaps, you know why women over fifty don't have babies:
They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

My mind not only wanders,
Sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise,
I lie down till the thought goes away.

I finally got my head together.
My body fell apart.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty,
It begins to show.

Sometimes I think I understand everything,
Then, I regain consciousness.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old;
You grow old because you stop laughing.

I had to give up jogging for my health.
My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Remember,
As we get older we no longer have hot flashes.
We now have power surges.

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XX ADULT PUNS!

There once was a woman, Monique,
Who proclaimed an efficient technique:
"One f*ck daily's just right."
She did seven one night,
And then found that it made her hole weak.


The varsity girls track team coach just couldn't seem to win a meet.
Six losses in a row.
He decided it would be best if he put his girls on anabolic steroids.
Soon his girls were performing like stars.
They went undefeated for the rest of the year.
They won State and were on their way to the Nationals.
On the bus trip, Sally, the star sprinter struck a conversation with the
coach.
Sally:
"Coach I have a problem!"
Coach:
"What's that, Sally?"
Sally:
"I'm developing thick hair on my body!"
Coach:
What part of your body?"
Sally:
"My chest, coach."
Coach:
"How far does the hair go down, Sally?"
Sally:
"Well coach, it goes clear down to my balls, which is another thing I wanted
to speak with you about."

Confucius Say:
Woman who gives away free potato chips,
Will offer you a free Lay.

The dove is the bird of peace,
But
The swallow is the bird of true love.

Judy went to her gynaecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of
her.
"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to perform a
very long and delicate operation."
"I don't think I can afford that," said Judy. "Could you just replace the
batteries?"

Schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week,
Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who
send text messages and e-mails have long forgotten the art of
capitalization.
For those of you who fall into this category,
Please take note of the following statement --
"Capitalization is the difference between
Helping your Uncle Jack off a horse
And
Helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear one that?

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to
stick it out for one more year!

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"Doomed" ?

Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain *doomed*.
If you don't believe it, consider these weird deaths:


A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river
near Naples, Italy, in 1983.
He managed to break a window,
Climb out and swim to shore --
Where a tree blew over and killed him.


Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas
Was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges
When the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing
him.


Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England,
Was so afraid of dentists that in 1979,
 He asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in
the jaw.
The punch caused Hallas to fall down,
Hitting his head,
And
 He died of a fractured skull.


George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I.,
Narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for
one wall.
After treatment for minor injuries,
He returned to the scene to search for files.
The remaining wall then collapsed on him,
Killing him.


Depressed since he could not find a job,
42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun
in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981.
His wife pleaded for him not to do it,
And
After about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor.
It went off and killed his wife.


In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin,
Presumed dead of heart disease.
As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up.
Her daughter dropped dead of fright.

A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured,
But lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend
he was hurt so he could collect insurance money.
The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.


Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium,
A thief fled out the back door,
Clambered over a nine-foot wall,
Dropped down and found himself in the city prison.


In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan,
Was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast,
When he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof.
The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road,
Another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter.
It too drove on.
As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman,
A delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured
bystanders
And
An even more battered Bob Finnegan.
When a fourth vehicle came along,
The crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit-Bob Finnegan.
In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken
pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries.
Hospital officials said he would recover.


While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside,
Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were
coming down.
While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat,
Which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate.
A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti,
Followed in short order by a man in a sports car.
When the train roared through the crossing,
The horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm.
Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the
head.
In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began
scuffling with the motorcyclist.
The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement,
Backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports- car.
At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray.
The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men.
As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled.
At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the
claims.


Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy
fog near the small town of Guetersloh.
Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the centre of the road.
At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they
smacked together.
Both men were hospitalised with severe head injuries.
Their cars weren't scratched.


In a classic case of one thing leading to another,
Seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to
four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979
After a fight that started when one of the men threw a French fry at another
while they stood waiting for a train.


Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by
giving her a good scare,
Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had
hanged himself.
When his wife came home and saw him she fainted.
Hearing a disturbance,
 a neighbour came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses,
seized the opportunity to loot the place.
As she was leaving the room, her arms laden,
The outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside.
This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack.
Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter
And
He and his wife were reconciled.

An unidentified English woman,
According to the London Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one
afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven.
Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a
noise at the door.
Thinking it was the baker,
And
Knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if
she didn't answer his knock,
The woman darted into the broom cupboard.
A few moments later she heard the back door open and,
To her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the
cupboard.
It was the man from the gas company, come to read the meter.
"Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker."
The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

The miner's wife hated his craft
After years, she acted quite daft
When he filed for divorce
The judge asked his source
"My wife won't go down near my shaft"


Gypsies have to be careful when they're making love
Because they have crystal balls

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a casino when he met up with a
striking but quite small and slim young woman.
They got on famously and ended up in bed.
She told him she was a jockey and that, if he came to the races at Randwick
that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving
him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.
In race 2, she rode out rubbing both her breasts.
The bloke looked through the race book and found
"Two Abreast" on which he placed $100 at 5 to 1.
It won by 2 lengths.
"Shit, this is great" he thought.
In race 4, she rode out rubbing her fingers around her eyes.
He put the lot on "Eyeliner" at 10 to 1 and was 5 grand in front.
In the last race she came out standing in the stirrups and rubbing her
crotch.
He backed nothing.
After the races he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races
2 & 4.
"What about "Itchy Mickey" in the last at 66-1?" she asked.
"Damn it, he said,
"I thought you were telling me the c*nt was scratched".

Animal Rights supporters are more violently opposed to fur than to leather
Because its safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

A blonde goes into a laundromat and as KS to have her sweater cleaned.
The Laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says,
"Come again?"
The blonde blushes slightly and giggles,
"oh, no it's just mustard this time."

Automate:
To have sex in a car

A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class.
The subject of the day was involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman,
"Do you know what your gasholder does when you're having an orgasm?"
"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids"

Drive-in movie:
Wall-to-wall car petting.

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says,
"I'm not sure I understand what you mean."
She says,
"Well, the first 100% you can guess. In addition, he burned his tongue and
broke his finger."

A woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat.
They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

A man was out for a leisurely walk one day, when he came to this big house
in a nice neighbourhood.
Suddenly, he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn.
Then, he noticed another couple behind a tree, and yet another couple behind
some bushes by the house.
He walked up to the front door of the house, and knocked.
A well-dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked curiously,
"I could help but notice all the activity on your front lawn. What kind of a
place is this?"
"This is a brothel," replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today!"

What's worse than a piano that's out of tune?
An organ that stops working in the middle of a piece!

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How America works lately .

Let's see if I understand how America works lately . . .

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap
while driving,
She blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself,
You blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
Your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain
You blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbour crashes into a tree while driving home drunk,
You blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin
was dirty,
You blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
You blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,
You blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit
And
Tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet,
And
The passengers kill him instead,
The mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this
computer,
I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK??

(I can't wait for the lawsuit)

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