XX - ADULT PUNS!

There was a young lady named Valerie,
Who started to count every calorie.'
Said her boss in disgust'
"If you lose half your bust,
You'll be worth only half of your salary!"

69 -- A good thing screwed up by a period.

It was really something else, man!" said the cadet policeman to his partner.
"When I was off duty Saturday night, I went to this big party and pretty
soon I noticed this fabulous babe giving me the eye. Then she asked me to
take her home. And just as soon as we were in the car, she unzipped me and
went right down on the old fella - and I stil l didn't even know her name."
"So what did you do," asked the other cop?
"Well, I figured this was one situation Where I'd shoot first and ask
questions afterward."

When a woman looks at me and says,
"Handsome,"
I know she's thinking,
"I bet he uses his hand some."

A husband had just arrived home from a six-month tour of duty.
The husband closed the front door and immediately he and his wife were
furiously making love upstairs when, suddenly, the wind slammed a door shut
somewhere else in the house.
The husband said jokingly,
"Oh God! No! That must be your husband coming home."
And the wife replies without thinking,
"No, don't worry. He's off in the navy for six months."

When the women in Saudi Arabia commit adultery they get stoned,
Unlike the women in Los Angeles who usually get stoned first and then commit
adultery.

Three women were sitting around one night talking about their boyfriends
when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on kinds of
soda.
The first woman said:
"I'm gonna call Tom 'Mountain Dew' because he is as strong as a mountain and
always wants to do it!"
The second woman said:
"I'm gonna call Bruce '7-up' because he has seven inches and it is always
up!"
The third woman said:
"I'm gonna call my man 'Jack Daniels'."
The other two women responded:
"Jack Daniels? But that's a hard liquor."
The third woman replied:
"That's my Leroy!"

Alimony:
The billing without the cooing.
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual
carriage-way, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a
rear-ender.
And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

The head nurse was nearing retirement, she had seen just about everything
come through the hospital's labour and delivery unit and always remained
calm and unruffled.
A sixteen-year-old in labour was having a lot of pain, writhing on the bed,
fighting her contractions, swearing, and refusing to consider epidural
analgesia.
Streams of obscenities erupted from her room and the girl yelled F**K right
into the nurse's face.
With absolute calm, the nurse patted the girl's arm and said,
"You've already done that part. Now it's time to have the baby."

Hooters has opened a casino in Las Vegas.
This is one casino where gamblers don't mind going for bust.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

Make love, not war.
Or
Get married and do both.

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and
made his move.
When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his
hand up her blouse.
Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the car and stomped home.
That night she wrote in her diary,
"A girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On their next date, Carl returned to the country road.
As they were necking, he slid his hand up Mary's skirt.
Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car and stomped home.
That night she wrote in her diary,
"I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On the third date, the pair returned to the country road.
This time Mary didn't get home until very late.
That night she wrote,
"Dear diary:
There comes a time when even the best of friends must part .

What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Melt them down,
Make a tire,
And
Call it a Goodyear.

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells:
That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband:
Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife:
Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.

Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said,
"If you build it, they will come."

A new TV game show in Hollywood had many contestants who were beautiful, but
they weren't necessarily too smart.
On one show, one such woman was extremely nervous, but tried to make the
best of her performance.
The host asked,
"Who was the first man, for one thousand dollars?"
She responded,
"The first man was Peter, my postman, but he only paid me twenty dollars!"

Condom:
An article of attire to be worn on every conceivable occasion.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a
satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question".


Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse
Nancy.
"She's incredibly mixed up." said one doctor. "She does everything
absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2
milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2
hours. He damn near died on us!" The second doctor said
"That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema
every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn
near exploded!"
Suddenly; they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God,!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to
prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

Throughout the Bible's Old Testament, not much good is said about adultery.
Turn to the New Testament, however, and there we are admonished to "Love our
Neighbour" -- I mean, go figure.

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And finally - some new puns!

I don't enjoy computer jokes;
Not one bit .


I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.
It's syncing now


When chemists die,
They barium.


Jokes about German sausage
Are the wurst .


I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time .


How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it .

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me .


This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
But I'd never met herbivore .


A guy got arrested for playing the guitar.
He was fingering a minor .


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
I just can't put it down .


I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words .


They told me I had type-A blood,
But it was a Type O.


PMS jokes aren't funny;
Period .


Why were the Indians here first?
They had reservations .


We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.
I hope there's no pop quiz

I didn't like my beard at first.
Then it grew on me .


Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job
Because she couldn't control her pupils?


When you get a bladder infection
Urine trouble .


Broken pencils are
Pointless .


I tried to catch some fog,
But I mist .


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus .


England has no kidney bank,
But it does have a Liverpool .


I used to be a banker,
But then I lost interest .


I dropped out of communism class
Because of lousy Marx .


All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.
The police have nothing to go on .


I got a job at a bakery
Because I kneaded dough .


Haunted French pancakes
Give me the crepes.


Velcro "
What a rip off!"


A cartoonist was found dead in his home.
Details are sketchy .


Venison for dinner again?
Oh deer!


The earthquake in Washington obviously
Was the government's fault .


Be kind to your dentist.
He has fillings, too.

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A collection of well-known proverbs by FIRST graders

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs.
She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked hem
to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.
Their insight may surprise you.
While reading these keep in mind that these are 6-years-old, because the
last one is quite amazing.
1. Better to be safe than......punch a 5th grader.
2. Don't bite the hand that.....looks dirty.
3. It's always darkest before.........Daylight Saving Time.
4. A miss is as good as a...................Mr.
5. If you lie down with dogs, you'll......stink in the morning.
6. Children should be seen and not...spanked or grounded.
7. If at first you don't succeed......get new batteries.
8. Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
9. When the blind lead the blind.......get out of the way.
10. An idle mind is...........the best way to relax.
11. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to
blow your nose.
12. Happy the bride who.........gets all the presents.
13. A penny saved is........................not much.
14. Two's company, three's.................the Musketeers.
15. There are none so blind as.........Stevie Wonder.
And the favourite:
16. Better late than...........................pregnant

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

Suzie Wong and her sister looked tight.
They seduced Stephen Wright one hot night.
He resisted just one,
But a pair? Too much fun!
So you see, two Wongs can make a Wright!
(Kirk Miller)

If women are so perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time

When the Sheiks' oil fields dried up, he realized he would have to cut back
on expenses quickly.
As much as he hated to, he knew he would have to give-up most of his harem.
He decided to find out which ones performed best in all aspects of sex and
retain just those few.
Night after night the "contest" was held.
Then one of the younger girls performed such outstanding oral sex on him, he
knew she was one of the chosen.
"Tell me," he said, "what is the secret of your fabulous technique."
"What I did, Oh Sovereign of the Sands, was to suck on ice cubes prior to
our session." replied the girl. "You see, my Mother told me that in most
cases, the cooler head always prevails."

Have you heard about the gay guy who put a nicotine patch on his penis?
He's down to three butts a day.

A man goes into a drugstore to buy a pack of condoms.
When he gets out his wallet to pay, he sees that the bill is 16 cents higher
than the price on the box.
He asks why and is told that the extra money is for tax.
"Jeezum," he muses aloud, "and here I always thought that you just rolled
them on."

Mary:
My #1 ex was probably the dumbest of all.
Jill:
Why do you say that?
Mary:
He came into the bedroom one night holding a jalapeno pepper in his hand. I
said, "Why in hell did you bring that pepper to the bedroom?"
Jill:
Well, what did he say?
Mary:
He said, "You told me that we needed to spice up our love life!"

Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys
have?
Palm Sunday!

A father was entertaining a boy his daughter had brought home from college.
"I realize it's only a formality," the young man said,"but I want to ask for
your daughter's hand."
"And where did you get the idea that this is just a formality?" the father
asked.
The boyfriend replied,
"From our Lamaze instructor."

Student nurse is preparing for her first insertion of a Foley catheter.
Patient is uptight enough already, and the supervising RN urges the student,
"Now tell him what you are doing."
Student nurse grabs the man's penis with one hand, holds the Foley with the
other and confidently states,
"OK, here's the stick!"

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NEW Book Titles

The French Chef - By Sue Flay
Unemployed - By Anita Job
Off to Market - By Tobias A. Pigg
I Lived in Detroit - by Helen Earth
Inflammation, Please - by Arthur It is
Handel's Messiah - by Ollie Luyah
Downpour! - by Wayne Dwops
Cloning - by Ima Dubble
Irish Flooring - by Lynn O'Leum
Holmes Does it Again - by Scott Linyard
Home Alone IV - by Eddie Buddyhome
Neither a Borrower - by Nora Lender Bee
The Scent of a Man - by Jim Nasium
Is O. J. Guilty? - by Howard I. Know
Animal Illnesses - by Ann Thrax
French Overpopulation - by Francis Crowded
Fallen Underwear - by Lucy Lastic
House Construction - by Bill Jerome Home
Yellow River - by Iam Ping
Lewis Carroll - by Alison Wonderland
Leo Tolstoy - by Warren Peace
The L. A. Lakers Breakfast - by Kareem O' Wheat
Why Cars Stop - by M. T. Tank
Wind in the Willows - by Russell Ingleaves
Look Younger - by Fay Slift
Mountain Climbing - by Andover Hand
It's Springtime! - by Theresa Green
No! - by Kurt Reply

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XX ADULT PUNS!

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains


QUOTES FROM ANIMAL ROMANCE NOVELS

- The muscular ram grabbed her by the wooly tuft on the back of her neck and
with a sinful gleam in his eye said,
"You've been a very baa-AA-AA-AA-AA-aad girl."

- He didn't need the love of a female.
He didn't need a male, either, for that matter.
He was a worm.
He had it all.

- His torrid affair with the donkey left him smelling like ass.

- Squeezing his octopus companion tightly with his tentacles, Oliver felt
shame as he prematurely released his ink.

- Polly's new man was like all the others.
He never seemed to ask what she really wanted, choosing instead to
insistently repeat his offer of a cracker.

- "Your bulging green eyes, your powerful jaws
-- I think I'm losing my head over you, darling."



What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
Come in five flavours

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

When Schliemann discovered the ruins of Troy, he found a stone carving which
told the story that Helen slept with Paris and Hector.
Schliemann called it Ménage à Troy.

I was chatting to this fit girl at work telling her about my fishing
weekend.
She said
"Ooh sounds fun, how about I come round your place after work? You can get
your rod out and show me your tackle" with a wink.
I'm starting to panic, she'll be round in 10 minutes and I can't find my
fishing rod anywhere!

A Cub Scout graduates to a Boy Scout after he has eaten his first Brownie.

A judge in Maine has ruled that women, but not men, can jog naked in public,
for you men who are making their mid-summer vacation plans.
Turns out the law in Maine says an offence of appearing nude is committed
only if the genitals are knowingly exposed in public.
The judge says that women's genitals are primarily internal and therefore
cannot be exposed.
How did this come up at the trial of two women arrested for running nude?
They won their case by asking just ONE question of the arresting police
officer.
He was asked whether he saw their genitals during the incident.
"Not that I recall," he replied.
Case closed.

Women went wild over the professional stud
Because
They liked the way his balls would jiggle low.

Back in the 1960's white activists often got their hair styled in an Afro --
a large bush-style hairdo -- to show support for civil rights.
One such fellow did so, and arrived home smiling and announced that he'd
also teased all his pubic hair into the same bushy style.
His wife, who had had it with her spouse's endless posturing, sneered,
"Great! Just great! Now, during foreplay, I'll have to look for a needle in
a haystack!"

Things you learn in Porn films:
If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man,
She will not scream with embarrassment,
But
Rather insist he have sex with her.

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.
The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing
she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood.
She can't find it so she looks innocently at the guy and takes his finger
and sucks it.
The guy is so pleased he asks,
"Do you think I could have a urine test done?"

The doctor, taking a sex-behaviour history, asked:
"How many orgasms did you have last week?"
The answer:
"Counting masturbation and wet dreams?"

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge,
So, he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting
for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer..
When Walt was finished, Mary asked.
"How much for that faucet?"
Walt replied,
"That's pewter and it costs $300."
"My goodness that sure is a lot," Mary exclaimed.
Then, she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy,
and Walt went to the back room to find it. From the back room Walt yelled,
"Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied,
"No, but I will for the faucet."

"Doctor I think my breasts are filled with water."
"Water! How's that possible?"
"Whenever someone presses them my pussy gets wet."

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A Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving he sits down, and the nurse says,
"Congratulations, your wife has had quins, 5 big baby boys."
The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a dick  like a chimney."
The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned....... the
babies are black."

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Night Nurse

 A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an
 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal
 thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she
 realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and
 without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great..........some asshole's
 got my pen!'

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February 2012 Airport X-Ray Screening Statistics

Statistics on Airport Screening from the Department Of Homeland Security


Terrorists Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3

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An experience

I would like to share an experience with you all about drinking and driving.

As you well know some of us have been known to have had rare brushes with
the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had
a few too many beers and some shots.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit I did something
I've never done before…

I took a bus home.

Sure enough, I passed a DUI checkpoint, but as it was a bus they waved it
through.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have
never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it!

 

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XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young fool name of Raines,
To get laid, he'd go to great pains,
Never a genius,
He thought with his penis,
But his prick was as dumb as his brains.

Hollywood is remaking 'The Exorcist'.
Its about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son!

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest.
Her mother warned her
"Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will
catch you and suck your tits dry!"
Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the
shortcut through the forest anyway.
A turtle stopped Little Red and warned her
"Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll
suck your tits dry!"
Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest.
Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her
"Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood. I'm going to suck your tits
dry!"
"Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're
going to eat me just like the story says!"

Nudist:
A buff that you just have to bare with who is wrapped up only in himself, on
whom nothing looks good, who puts on air, who grins and bares it, and who
wears a one-button suit.

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.
As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife,
"You aren't that good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone.
"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion!

Things you learn in Porn films:
Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with their stuff.

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said,
"I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."
"Why do you have to give me bad news?" grinned the boss. "Tell me good news
for once."
"All right. Here's good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile!"

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

As an enlisted sailor, I don't feel that the Navy is advancing me in rank
fast enough,
 so I'm going to change my last name to Stains.
My guess is they would rather promote me than to have to refer to me as
Seaman Stains.

Q. What is 79.35?
A. 69 with a 15% tip.

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil tycoon demanded that divorce
proceeding begin at one against is young wife. "What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulteress bitch for breach of contract," snapped the
magnate.
"I don't know if that'll fly," replied the lawyer. "I mean, your wife isn't
a piece of property, you do not own her."
"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined "but I sure as hell expect exclusive
drilling rights!

A wise man once said
Ignore most of what comes out of a woman's mouth unless you have to wipe it
and put it back into your trousers!

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How to..

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed, they
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would
just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a
gallon of paint, he then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple
of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry
his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who
told him she was lost, she asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603
Mockingbird Lane ?"

,The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that
house, I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket,
carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home,
on the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley, we'll
be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me, how do I know that when we get in the
alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have
your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose, how in the world could I possibly hold
you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

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Pathan doesn't pay

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and
drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops – a few
people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a Pathan got on. Six feet four,
built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the
conductor and said, "Pathan doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Conductor didn't argue with Pathan, but he wasn't happy about it. The next
day the same thing happened – Pathan got on again, made a show of refusing
to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next.

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Pathan
was taking advantage of poor conductor. Finally he could stand it no longer.
He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good
stuff.

By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt
really good about himself. So, on the next Monday, when Pathan once again
got on the bus and said, "Pathan doesn't pay!"

The driver stood up, glared back at Pathan, and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Pathan replied, "Pathan has a bus pass."

Moral: Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to
solve one.

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XX ADULT PUNS!

Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don't say anything,
They just moan and scream a lot.

Do you know what one tampon said to the other tampon?
Nothing, they are both stuck up bitches.

Johnny paints a sign that reads:
"WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A DIME."
He tells his buddy Roy to get his wagon and both sit under a shade tree in
Johnny's front yard, waiting for business.
Kathy, across the street is not to be outdone,
So she paints a bigger sign that reads: "WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A NICKEL."
She tells her friend Nellie to get her wagon, and they both sit in Kathy's
yard.
Now Johnny's really pissed.
How dare that girl?
Then, in a flash of inspiration Johnny hauls Roy across the street.
"Let's get some laughs."
"Say, Kathy, you'll move anything?"
"Give me a nickel and I'll prove it to you."
"Roy, give me your nickel!" Johnny takes it and hands it to Kathy.
"What you want moved, boy?"
"Move my bowels!" Johnny says and starts laughing.
So, Kathy kicks the shit out of him.

Masturbation:
Getting a good grip on yourself.

A man returns home from work and enters through the kitchen door.
He sees his wife on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor.
She only has an apron on,
So, the husband gets a big hard on and starts humping his wife doggy style.
When he is through he pulls out and at the same time hits her real hard
upside her head.
"What was that?" the wife screamed "Here I am being so nice to you, and
letting you really enjoy yourself. What did you hit me for?"
The husband looks at her and angrily says
"For not looking back to see who it was!"

The difference between a panty and a stage curtain is
When you pull down the stage curtain the show is over,
But
When you pull down a panty the show begins!

Two men playing golf were held up by two women playing in front of them.
One man said:
"I'll walk up to them and tell them to hurry up."
When he returned he said:
"I have a problem, one of the women is my wife and the other one is my
mistress."
The second man said:
"I'll walk up to them and hurry them up."
He came back and said:
"We both have the same problem."

Things you learn in Porn films:
Women wear high heels to bed.

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer.
The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked
"What's the problem, pal?"
"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighbourhood that
pays $40 for a donation!" said the dejected gent.
"Yeah, so?" replied the barkeep.
"Don't you get it?" the man cried our. "I've already let a fortune slip
through my fingers!"

Bubba's wife caught him blow drying his penis this morning and asked him
what the hell he was doing.
Apparently,
"Heating up your breakfast" wasn't the right answer!

This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he
ended up having a complete sex change.
All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking
up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the poor guy went to
pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.
"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection
ever again!"
"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. "It'll just have to be
someone else's, that's all."

How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
None!
Blondes screw in Jacuzzis, not light bulbs.

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XXX Bad language but funny

1) An Alcoholic, a Chain Smoker and a Homosexual go to the doctor. The
doctor says:
"If any of you indulge one more time you'll die."

As they walk home they pass a bar. The Alcoholic has a shot of whiskey,
falls off his stool stone cold dead. His friends are shocked.

As they walk along they come upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground still
burning.

The Homosexual looks at the Chain Smoker and says: "If you bend over to pick
that up, we're both dead!"
====================================
2)  Teacher : Name three kings that brought happiness to people Student :
Smo-King , drin-King , fuc-king.
Teacher : WHAT ?????
Student : Jo-KING:)

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XX ADULT PUNS!

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection

As the high school teacher was correcting essays written by her students she
read,
"Pedro jumped on his burrow and rode off into the sunset."
She wrote at the bottom of the page,
"You obviously have problems with homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the
ground. A burro is an ass. At your age it's time to learn the difference.

Brothel:
A business dedicated to making sure the customer always comes first.

Bill was chuckling at the bar when his friend Mike joined him.
"Women, they think they're so smart," he said with a sly smile, going on to
explain that he'd eavesdropped on a phone conversation between his fiancee,
Lynn, and her best friend, Amy
"She said, 'Bill doesn't know it yet, but the only time I'm putting out is
when I want to get pregnant."
At this, Bill doubled over with laughter, and Mike looked at his friend with
some consternation,
"I'd be mad as a hatter! Why aren't you?" he asked.
"Why get mad?" answered Bill. "She'll never know I've had a vasectomy!"

"The search for the man who terrorizes nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes
on.
Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on
duty tomorrow."

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the
main cause of Mad Cow disease.
The Lady:
"Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source
of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said,
"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed):
"Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation
between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?" The Farmer:
"And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"
The reporter:
"Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the
point?"
The Farmer:
"I am getting to the point, Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your
boobs twice a day and you were only having sex once a year, wouldn't you get
mad?"

The sign on the door of the whorehouse said,
"Beat it - We're closed."

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much
younger salesman.
"Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an
occasional piece in the living room!"

A friend of mine discovered that his wife had become a lesbian.
I asked what he was going to do now.
"Nothing!" he replied, "Why should I? I'm just crazy about the girl she's
going out with."

I was flying to Las Vegas recently and the flight included a stewardess
announcing to the plane that she had "hiccups." When she wheeled the cart to
me to offer drinks, I suggested that it was her diaphragm.
She looked at me and said without missing a beat,
"I hardly think so, it is safely tucked away in my purse."

After he dumped his girlfriend,
The cannibal wiped his ass.

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A good pun is its own reword.

* A man's home is his castle,
In a manor of speaking.
* Dijon vu -
The same mustard as before.
* Shotgun wedding:
A case of wife or death.
* Sea captains don't like
Crew cuts.
* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
* Reading while sunbathing makes
You well-red.
* When two egotists meet,
It's an I for an I.
* A bicycle can't stand on its own
Because it is two-tired.
* What's the definition of a will?
(Come on,
it's a dead giveaway!)
* Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
* A backward poet writes in re-verse.
* In democracy your vote counts.
In feudalism your count votes.
* A chicken crossing the road is
Poultry in motion.
* You feel stuck with your debt
If you can't budge it.
* Every calendar's days are numbered.
* A lot of money is tainted.
It taint yours
And
It taint mine.
* A boiled egg in the morning is,
Hard to beat.
* He had a photographic memory
That was never developed.
* A plateau is,
A high form of flattery.
* Once you've seen one shopping centre,
You've seen a mall.
* When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair,
She thought she'd dye.
* Bakers trade bread recipes on a
Knead-to-know basis.
* Acupuncture is,
A jab well done!

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XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young girl named Sapphire,
Who succumbed to her lover's desire,
She said: "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

Eunuch:
A man;
Who is fixed for life and has nothing more to lose,
Who hasn't got the balls to give some one else the shaft,
And
Who has no nuts and no dates.

Margaret decided she wanted to become a nurse.
Her first day at the hospital she was given several patients to bathe and
change their beds.
Her instructor arrived in the room just in time to hear the male patient
give a howl of pain.
The teacher took Margaret to one side and said.
"When we make the beds, we gently turn the patient to one side and push the
sheets up against his back. We then roll him over on the other side and pull
the sheets firm. We do NOT pick him up by his penis and shove the sheets
under him."

The women who went fishing with a group of men came back with a red snapper!

New studies show that women who drink tea are twice as likely to get
pregnant.
Related studies have revealed that women who drink Long Island Ice Tea are
twice as likely to wake up in the back seat of a Camaro with sticky hair.

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females.
One spots a real Cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down toward
her.
"Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm. "But is this stool taken?"

It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria.
The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the
cigarette smoke of the young blond woman beside her.
Finally, the older woman could take it no longer.
She turned to the blond and bellowed with a loud voice,
"Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!"
"So would I," quipped the blond. "But, you know, there just isn't enough
time to get a good screw during a coffee break."

Is a penile colony where they send convicted rapists?

A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon.
The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready.
The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says,
"Honey, I gotta ask you sumthin'. Be gentle with me 'cause I'm a virgin."
The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of
his lungs.
He heads straight to his father's house.
When he gets there, his father says,
"Son, what in tarnation are you doin' here, dang it? You're supposed to be
on your honeymoon with your new gal!"
The son says,
"Pa, she told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin, durn it!"
"Damn, son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she ain't good enough for
her own family, she sure as hell ain't good enough for ours!"

"I took a vacation to Florida."
"Tampa with your girlfriend?"
"I sure did-again and again!"
"Well, my girlfriend and I went to the Caribbean, and we made love three
times a day" "Jamaica?"
"No, she did it quite voluntarily."

Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with the dentist.
She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her
dentist.
And she was going to propose to him.
Her friend said,
"Marsha you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men that
adore you. Why this dentist?"
"Because he is the first man that ever said to me, 'Spit, don't swallow.'"

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

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