X CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY. . .

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

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XX The Moral of this story is...BRILLIANT!!!

 This is a story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear,
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story...

 In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,

          'Gosh...if I go down three inches
I will feel the mist
From the water and I will be refreshed.'

  There was a fish in the water thinking,
  'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'
  There was a bear on the shore thinking,

    'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
That fish will jump for the fly...
And I will grab the fish!!'
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich...

'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it....
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'
  Now, you probably think this is
Enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there's more...

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,

'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish jumps for that fly...
And that bear grabs for that fish...
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.'
  A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
This particular river around lunch time)
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich,
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear...

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse,
And the mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story...

Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.

Didn't see that one coming, did you?

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Dementia - BRILLIANT!

 Several days ago as I left the club,  I desperately gave myself a personal
pat down.
I was looking for my car keys.
They were not in my pockets.
A quick search in the club revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized,  I must have left them in the car.

Frantically,I headed for the parking lot.
My wife had scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
Her theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the doors of the club, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

Her theory was right.
The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police.
I gave them my location,confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and
that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered.
I always call her "honey" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence.

I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.
"Idiot",  she barked,  "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent.
Embarrassed,  I said, "Well,come and get me."

She retorted,"I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen
your car."

 

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Cemetery Music.......

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he
hears music, no one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a
headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827".
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played
backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him,
by the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is
being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar, when they return with the
expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order
in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the
grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says.
*
*
*
*
"He's decomposing." !!

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Ghost Sex........

A professor at the University of Tottenham was giving a lecture on
Paranormal Studies.

 To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here
believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any
of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands..

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has
anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any
of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've
been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to
a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your
experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to
make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed,
tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Oh shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats"

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The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked
about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm
doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the
shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a Baker comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week.' The Baker  was happy and left the shop. The
next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card
and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the
barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community
service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next
morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up
waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME
REASON!

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British Humour - Non Halal

POLITICALLY INCORRECT.........just as intended!!!*

==============================
*
Police in * *London have found a bomb outside a mosque....*  *
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.*
==============================  *
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling
tree.*  *
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said, "We didn't even know they
were living up there."*
============================== *
Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough
television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5
times a week now. *
============================== *
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.*
*
How could anyone stoop so low.*
=====================================================  *
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth
floor*  *balcony shaking a carpet.*  *
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"*
============================== *
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..*  *
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet
Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder
that* *rises into the clouds.*  *

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder
in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets
another bearded man.*  *

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder
and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man
with a beard.*  *

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!*  *

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever
higher.*  *
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and
repeats his question:*  *

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from
all his*  *climbing.

"No my son... I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"*
*

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"Hey Mohammed, two coffees!!!!"*

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A Man's Journey

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so
I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very
stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got
excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a
girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She
rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad
impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun
initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I
found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so
I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything
I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

 

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Cheeky beggar

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs. 10 and that Continues
for a year.

Then suddenly the daily donation changes to Rs. 7, 50.

" Well," the beggar thinks, " it's still better than nothing."

A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes
Rs. 5.

" What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor. " First you give me Rs.
10 every day, then Rs. 7,50 and now only Rs. 5. What's the problem?"

" Well," the man says, " last year my eldest son went to university, it's
very expensive, so I had to cut costs.

This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my
expenses even further ."

" And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.

" Four," the man replies.

" Well," says the beggar, " I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my
expense".

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Old joke with a local twist - Doctors

A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we
cut off a man's testicles, we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he
is looking for work.

"The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the
brain out of a person, we put it into another person's head, and in 4 week
she is looking for work.

"A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either.

In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person, we put it into
another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.

"The Sri Lankan doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues,
you are way behind us....in Sri Lanka, about 6 years ago, we grabbed a
village lawyer from down south with no brain, no heart, and no balls....we
made him President of the country, and now...the whole country is looking
for work!!."

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XX ADULT PUNS!

Brutus sees Julius Caesar leaving an orgy.
He asks Caesar how he did.
Caesar answers,
"Ate two, Brutus!"

A newlywed couple who were both avid baseball fans attended a Cubs "Loveable
Losers" game.
They were still on their honeymoon and very affectionate, hugging and
kissing so much that they weren't able to follow the game. In order to be
able to follow the game better the young bride says,
"I've got an idea, honey. You kiss me on the strikes and I'll kiss you on
the balls."

There's no business like show business,
But
There's no job like a blow job.

The Democratic party is considering changing its emblem from a donkey to a
condom because
It expands with inflation,
Limits productivity,
Encourages cooperation,
And
Gives you a feeling of security,
Although
You know you're getting screwed.

The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba had so many women
hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them.
So, one day he asked Bubba,
"Just what the hell is your secret?"
So, Bubba replies,
"Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip my cock out and
bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em
forever!"
The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom.
He heard his wife in the shower.
Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging
his cock on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said,
"That you, Bubba?"

If you have a psychotic fixation and you go to the doctor and you want these
two fingers amputated, he will not cut them off.
But he will remove your genitals.

I have more trouble getting a prescription for valium than having my uterus
lowered and made into a penis.

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs,
But
You come in one, and go in the other!

Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening progressed,
he found himself more and more attracted to her.
After some really passionate embracing, he said,
"Tell me, do you object to making love? "
"That is something I have never done before, " Jill replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin? " Jack was amazed.
"No, silly! " she giggled. "I've never objected! "

Define 'Wicker box':
What Elmer Fudd wants to do to Paris Hilton.

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Negative People

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair  styled for a trip
to Rome with  her husband..  She mentioned the trip to the
hairdresser, who  responded:

" Rome ?  Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded  and dirty..
You're crazy to go  to Rome .  So, how are you getting  there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?"  exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible
airline. Their planes are old, their flight  attendants are ugly, and
they're always late.  So, where are you staying  in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River
called Teste."

"Don't  go any further. I know that place.   Everybody thinks its
gonna be something  special and exclusive, but it's really a  dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's  rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a  million other
people trying to see him.   He'll look the size of an  ant.

Boy,  good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're  going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a  hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip  to Rome.

"It  was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in
one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they
bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I
had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5  million remodeling
job, and now it's a jewel,  the finest hotel in the city. They, too,
were  overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their  owner's suite
at no extra charge!"

"Well,"  muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and  good, but I
know you didn't get to see the  Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope
likes to  meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind  as to step
into his private room and wait, the  Pope would personally greet  me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked  through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh,  really!  What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who f----ed up your hair?"

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Can't Beat These Lawyers !!

A married lawyer had been having fun in his car with his secretary.

On getting home, his wife saw a pair of panties on the back seat. She tore
it apart, screaming, "What the hell is this? What have you been up to??"

He calmly replied, "You have just destroyed the evidence of the rape case
worth a million for me, which I'm handling. You can forget the jewellery you
wanted!"

She quickly fell on her knees apologising.
No one wins over a Lawyer, even someone called A WIFE.

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XX Geordie

 A small zoo in Newcastle acquired a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.

The gorilla was in heat and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla

available. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Geordie

Elliott, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the

animal cages.

Geordie, like many Newcastle men, felt he had ample ability to satisfy

any female. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution so

 Geordie was approached with a proposition.

Would he be willing to mate  with the gorilla for £500?

Geordie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the

matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would

accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

·         "Forst", Geordie said, "Nee kissin' on the lips."

The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

·         "Secund", he said, "Ye cannit nivva tell neebody aboot this."

The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

·         "Thord", Geordie said, "Ah want aall the bairns raised as
Nuwcastle fans."

Once again it was agreed.

·         4. "And last of all", Geordie stated,

"You Gotta givvme another week to come up with the £500"

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FUNNY TWO - LINERS

  The difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

  Alcohol is a perfect solvent:
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

  A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

  Archeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
  An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have:
The older she gets, the more interested he becomes in her.

  There are two kinds of people who don't say much:
Those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

  They say that alcohol kills slowly.
So what? Who's in a hurry ?

  Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive

  One nice thing about egotists:
They don't talk about other people.

  There was a man who said,
"I never knew what happiness was until I got married...
And then it was too late

  Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

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XX - ADULT PUNS!

Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after
realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

One working girl told another,
"I had a customer today who promised me a seventeen carat ring, a twenty-one
carat bracelet, and a thirty-two carat necklace."
The other girl cautioned,
"Watch out, Deane. With all those carats he'll expect you to act like a
rabbit!"

Many Aussies prefer sheep to women because sheep don't get upset if you
screw their sisters.

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to
it by arousing his jealousy. "What would you say if I told you that I've
been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively. "Well," he
mused, "I'd say that you're a lesbian."

There's something about women that attracts me, and I'm trying to put my
finger on it.

The difference between a mosquito and a blonde is
When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.

Bob pulled up a stool at his favourite bar and announced,
"My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!"
"What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired.
"Last week," Bob explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work.
Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman, the
postman, the paperboy, the UPS man, and several of the neighbourhood guys
came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering,
"My husband's home! My husband's home!"

A Kinsey interviewer was questioning a Bronx housewife.
The question was:
"What do you think of Sex?"
"I wouldn't be without it," she replied. "It's one of the best department
stores in New York!"

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XX - ADULT PUNS!

Man to girl he met at the bar:
"How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?"

Three old ladies went for a tramp in the woods-but he got away.
Next morning, they caught him, and for the rest of the day their stomachs
were on the bum.
Next day, the three ladies were confronted by a flasher.
The first had a stroke,
The second had a stroke,
But
The third wouldn't touch it.

Blondes are like pianos.
When they aren't upright, they're grand.

A guy leaves his place at the bar to go to the bathroom.
He comes back about 10 minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering and
swearing very softly.
The bartender approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.
"Oh some SOB Snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to
my head."
"Damn! What happened?"
"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!"
"Yeah, then what?"
"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?"

Bisexual:
A Frenchman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other.

A family are driving behind a dust cart when a dildo flies out and hits
their windscreen.
Embarrassed and to protect her young sons innocence, the woman says it was
an insect, to which one of the boys replied
"I'm surprised it can fly with a cock like that!"

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. )

What do women call an intelligent, attractive, caring, loving and sensitive
man?
Gay!

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel.
He got to his room and opened up the Gideon's Bible to page 1, then called
the front desk and asked the hat check girl to come up to his room for
dinner.
After a while he started making passes, she stopped him and reminded him he
was a holy man.
"It's OK," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
So, after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in the
Bible it says it's okay to have wild, passionate sex.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where
someone had written in pencil: "The hat check girl puts out!"

I tried phone sex once,
But
The holes in the dialler were too small.

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Taxi story

An Arab enters a taxi..........

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he
must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the
prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the
infidel's and certainly no radio ........

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens
the back door.

The Arab asks him: "What are you doing man?"

The cabby answers: "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.
So get out and wait for a camel."

 

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A Smart Reply..

Smart Reply: A 70 year old man asks his wife..."Do you feel sad when
you see me running after young girls?"  Wife replied, "No not at all,
even dogs chase cars they can't drive.

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SEX WITH AN OLDER MAN...

When George Burns was 80 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey .
 Oprah asked, "Mr Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You  are
 always working and at your age I think that is remarkable."
 Mr Burns said, "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do  when
 I do it."
 Oprah said, "I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age."
 George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good  at
 it..."
 Oprah said, "I have never been with an older man, would you do it with
 me?"
 So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't  believe
 I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man."
 George said, "The second time is usually even better than the first
 time."
 Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?"
 George said, "Just let me sleep for half an hour. You hold my  testicles
 in your left hand and my penis in your right hand, and wake  me up in
 thirty minutes..."
 When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside
 herself with joy.
 She said, "Oh Mr Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat
 performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh
 My, Oh My!!!"
 George said that the third time would be even better. "You just hold  my
 testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and  wake me
 in thirty minutes."
 Oprah said, "Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your
 batteries?"
 George said, "No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she
 stole my wallet."

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