Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Jumping on the bed

A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing
with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks,
"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?,
What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,
"I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says
I have the breasts of an 18 year-old".
The husband said,
"What did he say about your 60 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.

(Men . . . They just never know when to shut up, do they?)

Who's the boss

The Boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he
wasn't getting any respect.

The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had
taped a note to the sign that said: -

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting
senile.Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not
senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip
down.'

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Social Networking

Teacher: Wer is ur homework?
Boy: Madam, plz check in FACEBOOK. I have uploaded a copy of it &
tagged you......

Gal 2 her brother: Wat r u gng to gift grandma on her bday?
Boy: Football
Gal: But grandma doesnt play football?
Boy: On my bday she gav me books...

UKG Kid: Dad can v go to McDonald today.
Dad: ya but only when u spell McDonald correctly.
Kid thought for a moment & said, k forget it dad let's go to KFC

Teacher to kid: Write a note on Srilanka.
Kid wrote: Its a country whose map cums free along with d India map.

A drunk guy falls from 1st floor.
People gathered around n asked him wat happend?
He said... "I dont knw, I also came down Just now..!!"

Sunday, December 25, 2011

A "Touching" Christmas Story

A married couple had been out shopping in a mall for the day.
Suddenly, the wife realized her husband had disappeared.

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded,
"Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling you remember that Jewelery shop where you saw the
Diamond Necklace and fell in love with it and I didn't have money that
time and said Baby it'll be yours one day."

Wife, with a smile blushing: "Yes, I remember that my Love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the Bar next to that shop."

CREATION 1. 1

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated
the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and

red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with

that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at
it, add some sprinkles." And they both gained 10 pounds each. And

Satan smiled.

And it came to pass thet God created the healthful yogurt that Woman
might keep her figure that Man found so curvy and appealing. And

Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the
cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the
side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and

chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained
more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food
Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and
named

it "Devil's Food Cake."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose
those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so

Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman
laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the

starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its

99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is

good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Friday, December 23, 2011

XX - Sydney (Australia) Radio Competition

This got the whole of Sydney laughing....
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many Sydney folks heard this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .

The DJs play a game called 'Mate Match'. The DJ calls someone at work
and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the
contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly
personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with
(phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same
three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly
the funniest thing you've heard yet .

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast
if you win. What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had s*x?'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, h! uh? No one would ever have
said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have s*x at 8 o'clock this =morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us
for couple of weeks...'

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his
wife's work number and call her up.

You listen to this.' [ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones......ringing...)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now
and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
give any..answers away or you'll lose.Sooooooo... Do you know the
rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest..'

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off
to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'All right. When did you last have s*x, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very ! good. Nex! t question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect
his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question
away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Well...'

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to
have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was
an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this
conversation , for minor traffic collisions.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Working late Night!

One dark night two men were walking home after a party and decided to
take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a
tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel,
chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You
scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you
doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

The Singing Parrot...

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking
for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a
parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This
seemed like the perfect gift.

"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop
owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet
began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then
held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune
changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran
home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw
her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's
left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle
Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's
right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold
the lighter between his legs?"

The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his
wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his
face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like
it was the performance of his life:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

Jewish Modesty

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion
after a dinner.

Catholic: "I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank!"

Protestant:"I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!"

Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince.... I intend to purchase Microsoft!"

They then all wait for the Jew to speak...

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes
a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:
"I'm not selling..."

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness
But
Its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes
Than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy
But
Remember the bastard's name.....

3. Help someone when they are in trouble
And
They will remember you
When they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only
Because
it's illegal to shoot them...

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems,
But
Then again,
Neither does milk.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

: When I was 10 -

Rubber meant eraser,

Ass meant donkey,

Gay meant happy,

Straight meant linear,

Making out meant 'logical detection',

Cock meant rooster,

Pussy meant cat,

Stag meant a male deer,

Prick meant a jab,

Poke meant a nudge,

Chick meant a baby hen,

Screw meant a carpenter's implement

And

A Tit was always for Tat!!

Damn! -

English has changed so much!!!

Monday, December 19, 2011

Whose fault..not mine

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped

At a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
Left her glasses on the table, and she didn't
Miss them until they had been driving for
About forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they
Had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around,
In order to return to the restaurant to
Retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband
Became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded
His wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her,
The more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her
glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

While you're in there, you might as well
Get my hat and the
Credit card.

This coming week is National Senior Mental
Health Week. You can do YOUR part by
Remembering to contact at least one unstable Senior to show you care.

I have now done MY part.

Learning From Kids

For those with no children -
This is totally hysterical.

For those who already have children past this age,
This is hilarious.

For those who have children this age,
This is not funny.

For those who have children nearing this age,
This is a warning.

For those who have not yet had children,
This is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest)...

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. Ft.
House, 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a
Superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint
on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft. Room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few
times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh" it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCRs do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials
show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not
like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

25. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or
without kids.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

It's always a Sri Lankan Brain

Mathematician: How do you write 4 in between 5?

Chinese : Is this a joke?

Japanese : Impossible!

American : The question's all wrong!

British : It's not found on the Internet

And the Sri Lanka .......................................................

...................................................................

............................................. f(iv)e

Thursday, December 15, 2011

XXX - A Quick Adult Poem

I have a little poem,
I'll try to make it quick;
The subject is quite simple:
The joy of owning dick.

A penis is a splendid thing;
You ladies should be jealous.
An organ with such lovely skin,
It's smooth and mostly hairless.

It starts to grow so quickly
When a guy's about thirteen,
His testicles on either side,
His willy in between.

It dangles neatly down below;
it's softly warm and loyal.
But at the slightest hint of lust,
it's ready to uncoil.

It seems to have a mind all of its own;
it's like an untamed beast,
It squirms and writhes and stretches out,
Just when you 'spect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves,
Erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off,
And then I wish it wouldn't.

During summer, wearing little,
Sunning on the beach,
A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums
Will make it squirm and reach.

But handle it with love and care,
For it will give great pleasure.
I often check if it has grown -
Now when did I last measure?

Some men will fret about their size:
They give it lots of thought;
Is seven inches long enough?
It makes them quite distraught.

They sneak a look in toilets,
Wondering what they'll see,
But if another glances back at them,
there's no way they can pee!

Masturbating is a sin -
At least some folks believe.
That's just some old wives' tale,
'cause it really can relieve.
Without this super organ,
No shag would be complete.
Lesbians can try their best,
But must admit defeat.

It has some splendid functions,
I'm sure you will agree:
To start a whole new life,
And more than that - to pee!

But what seems most amazing
About my one-eyed flute,
Whatever it is doing,
It knows which juice to shoot.

And better yet, it stays with one,
Until one's old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though,
Or you'll be thrown in jail.

Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very
Elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
Service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following
The eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart
Then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.. When
All eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking
Of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist.

The vicar fainted.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Some places I have and have not been...

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.

Apparently, you can't go alone.

You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito.

I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane.

They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.

I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions,

But you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt.

That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes, I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense!

It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!

At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have been in Deep-shit many times; the older I get, the easier it is
to get there.

XXX: NEVER ENOUGH

"Doc, I've got this problem" the man says. "My secretary, she loves to
give blow jobs.

Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a
quick one before I leave for lunch.

And before I leave work at the end of the day, she really works me over."

"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac" the man continued.

"I service her every morning when we get up.

I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunchtime and then we
have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep."

"I still don't know what your problem is" said the doctor.

"Well, every time I masturbate, I get these dizzy spells."

Things That May Sound Dirty , But Are Not

* Top Ten Things that sound dirty,
But are not, in a LAW firm:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge.

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offence?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't

1. Think you can get me off?

* Top Ten Things that sound dirty,
But are not, in the OFFICE:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!

5. HMMM, I think it's out of fluid!

4. My equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't

1 It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!

* Top Ten Things that sound dirty,
But are not, at GOLF:

10.Damn, my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip!

2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't

1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!

Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Jumping on the bed

Who's the boss

Senility

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Social Networking

Sunday, December 25, 2011

A "Touching" Christmas Story

CREATION 1. 1

Friday, December 23, 2011

XX - Sydney (Australia) Radio Competition

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Working late Night!

The Singing Parrot...

Jewish Modesty

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

: When I was 10 -

Monday, December 19, 2011

Whose fault..not mine

Learning From Kids

Sunday, December 18, 2011

It's always a Sri Lankan Brain

Thursday, December 15, 2011

XXX - A Quick Adult Poem

Cardiologist's Funeral

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Some places I have and have not been...

XXX: NEVER ENOUGH

Things That May Sound Dirty , But Are Not

Guess what

XX - IF YOU ARE A PRUDE

Thank you - You are visitor Number

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