Friends are like knickers, some crawl up your arse...Some snap under
pressure...Some don't have the strength to hold you up...Some get a
little twisted...Some are your favorite...Some are holey...Some are
cheap and just plain nasty...And some actually do cover your arse when
you need them too !!
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very
short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store,
glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the
counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a
brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread
located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent
view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two
loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other
male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin
bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the
unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men
standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that
she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it
raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little.
Ghaffar Bhai and Fatima Bai, were sitting outside a Mall
A rich Arab Sheikh approached them.
After salaams, he asked where they were from.
"Pakistan," Ghaffar Bhai replied.
Looking at his wife, the Arab said, "I'll give you 100 camels for her."
Ghaffar Bhai looked stunned, and there was a long silence.
Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."
After the Arab left, the wife said "Ghaffar that was sooo romantic but
what took you so long to answer?
Ghaffar Bhai replied…
"I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back to Karachi."
A university scholar, Mr. John Smith approaches his friend a
software-testing guru telling him that he has a Bachelor in
programming,
and now would like to learn the software testing to complete his
knowledge and to find a job as a software tester. After summing him up
for a few
minutes, the software-testing guru told him "I seriously doubt that
you are ready to study software testing. It's the serious topic. If
you wish
however I am willing to examine you in logic, and if you pass the test
I will help teach you software testing. "
The young man agrees. Software testing guru holds up two fingers "Two
men come down a chimney.
One comes with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face.
Which one washes his face?
The young man stares at the software-testing guru. "Is that a test in
Logic?" software testing guru nods.
"The one with the dirty face washes his face," He answers wearily.
"Wrong. The one with the clean face washes his face. Examine the
simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the
clean face
and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the
one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So; the one with
the
clean face washes his face."
"Very clever" Says Smith. "Give me another test"
The software-testing guru again holds up two fingers "Two men come
down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes
out with a
dirty face. Which one washes his face?
"We have already established that. The one with the clean face washes his face"
"Wrong. Each one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one
with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks
his face is
clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty
face and thinks his face is dirty. So; the one with the clean face
washes his
face. When the one with the dirty face sees the one with the clean
face washing his face, he also washes his face. So each one washes his
face"
"I didn't think of that!" Says Smith. " It's shocking to me that I
could make an error in logic. Test me again!."
The software-testing guru holds up two fingers "Two men come down a
chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with
a
dirty face. Which one washes his face?
"Each one washes his face"
"Wrong. Neither one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one
with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks
his
face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the
dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. But when the one with clean
face sees
that the one with the dirty face doesn't wash his face, he also
doesn't wash his face So neither one washes his face".
Smith is desperate. "I am qualified to study software testing. Please
give me one more test"
He groans when the software-testing guru lifts his two fingers, "Two
men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other
comes
out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?
"Neither one washes his face"
"Wrong. Do you now see, John, why programming knowledge is an
insufficient basis for studying the software testing? Tell me, how is
it possible for
two men to come down the same chimney, and for one to come out with a
clean face and the other with a dirty face? Don't you see?
GUYS !!! Requirements for testers will look the same but expectations
from clients will vary every now and then…
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies
or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with
great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to
the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it."
- Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." -
Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring
a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston
Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there
is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in
others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address
on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae
West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support
rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -
Groucho Marx
Life would be perfect if anger had mute button, mistake had back
button, hard times had fast forward button and good times had pause
button,
Difference between Einstein and Karunanidhi – Einstein believed
everything is relative while Karunanidhi believes relatives are
everything,
A bird asked Bee you work so hard to make honey and people steal,
don't you feel bad? Bee said that I don't feel bad as they can never
steal my art of making honey,
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared
to what lies within us,
The tongue weighs practically nothing, but only few people can hold it,
The happiness of our life depends upon the quality of our thoughts but
quality of our thought depends on the people we have in our life,
We get lot of unconditional love when we are born and lots of
unconditional respect when we die. We just have to manage the time in
between.
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine,
but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the
mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man
would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally
the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can
just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He
took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the
mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.. . . and then there are educators !
A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party.
So he called a baker and ordered a birthday cake.
The salesman asked him on the phone what message he wanted put on the cake.
He thought for a moment and said, put "getting older but you are
getting better".
The salesman asked "how do you want me to put it?"
The man said
'Well...put "You are getting older" at the top
and "but you are getting better" at the bottom.'
When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at
the message on the cake.
It read: "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better
at the bottom"
Moral of the Story:
1. Double proof- read everything before you send.
2. Don't trust others to write it correctly for you.
3. Don't order cakes by telephone
Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?
The mafia wants either your money or life...
The wives want both!
====
Marriage is like a Public Toilet.
Those waiting outside are desperate to get in & Those inside are
desperate to come out.
====
No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied
with 4 things in life.
(1) Mobile
(2) Automobile
(3) TV
(4) Wife
Because there is always a better model in the neighborhood.
Searching these keywords on Google : `How to tackle wife?'
Google search result :
`Good Day Sir, Even we are searching`.
Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It
only means that the safety of your head is much more important than
your ego!
A friend recently explained why he refuses to get to married. He says
the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.
It takes thousand workers to build a castle, million soldiers to
protect a country,
but just one woman to make a Happy Home --------- A Good Maid!
Funny quote on a husband's T-Shirt : All girls are devils, but my wife
is the queen------------
of Them
Pakistan's president Zardari has tasked his country's top
investigation agency to go after those who send, receive, or forward
funny or derogatory text messages about the country's president.
Anyone sending or receiving jokes about Zardari will now become liable
for a 14-year jail sentence.
Temporarily, many Pakistanis who have so far been enjoying sending and
reading funny text messages about their president have reverted to
sending messages without any mention of Zardari. Bloggers and
mainstream Pakistani media have called the new rules 'draconian' and
many others contended that such laws would actually encourage further
ridicule of the Pakistani president who is consistently portrayed in
these text messages as a thief, a dog, a traitor or a demon.
Here are some of those text messages that have angered the Pakistani
establishment:
1. Long lines
A man standing in a long line for food tells the others in the line
that he is leaving the line to go to shoot the president. He returns
after a few hours and rejoins the line.
"Did you manage to kill him", everyone asks him.
"No, that line is longer than this one", he replies.
2. Robber meets Zardari
Robber: "Give me all your money!"
Zardari: "Don't you know who I am? I am Asif Ali Zardari."
Robber: "OK. Give me all my money."
3. TV anchor announcing:
Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved Zardari and are demanding
$5,000,000 or they will burn him with petrol. Please donate what you
can. I have donated five liters."
4. Postmaster General announcing
To commemorate the ascension to the Presidency, Pakistan Post has
officially launched a new stamp. But the people of Pakistan are
confused which side on the stamp to spit on.
5. Announcement In Zardari's official airplane…
Mr. President , We are about to land.
could you please put Sherry Rehman (former Information minister) in an
upright position. Thank you….
6. Pakistani meets American
Pakistani to American: What do you guys do with thieves?
American: We treat them humanely and give them nice food, warm clothes
and long jury trials
Pakistani: That's nothing. We give them the presidency.
7. Genie meets Pakistani
Genie to Pakistani: Order me my master. What can I do for you?
Pakistani to Genie: Bring me all the wealth in the Swiss bank.
Genie: My name is Genie, not Zardari.
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they
find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the
lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings,
the wife figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some
simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with
me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. I f you don't want
to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife
That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his
penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two
hundred and fifty times.
Think Outside the Box
Below are few Interview Questions, which were asked in HR Round. Be
careful while you answering, No one will GET second chance to impress.
Very Impressive Questions and Answers …
Question 1: You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night,
it's raining heavily, when suddenly you pass by a bus stop, and you
see three people waiting for a bus; An old lady who looks as if she is
about to die. An old friend who once saved your life. The perfect
partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing very well that
there could only be one passenger in your car?
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of
a job application.
* You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and
thus you should save her first;
* Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life,
and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
* However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. Guess what was his answer?
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my Old friend and
let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait
for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations. Never forget to "Think outside the Box."
Question 2: What will you do if I run away with your sister?"
The candidate who was selected answered, "I will not get a better
match for my sister than you sir."
Question 3: Interviewer (to a student girl candidate) - What is one
morning you woke up & found that you were pregnant.
Girl - I will be very excited and take an off, to celebrate with my husband.
Normally an unmarried girl will be shocked to hear this, but she
managed it well. Why I should think it in the wrong way, she said
later when asked.
Question 4: Interviewer: He ordered a cup of coffee for the candidate.
Coffee arrived kept before the candidate, then he asked what is
before you?
Candidate: Instantly replied "Tea"
He got selected.
You know how and why did he say "TEA" when he knows very well that
coffee was kept before.
{Answer: The question was "What is before you (U - alphabet) and Reply
was "TEA" (T - alphabet)}
Alphabet "T" was before Alphabet "U"
Question 5: The interviewer asked to the candidate "This is your last
question of the interview. Please tell me the exact position of the
center of this table where u have kept your files."
Candidate confidently put one of his finger at some point at the table
and told that this was the central point at the table.
Interviewer asked how did you get to know that this being the central
point of this table, then he answers quickly that sir you are not
likely to ask any more question, as it was the last question that you
promised to ask.
And hence, he was selected as because of his quick-wittedness.
Three men were drunk and they stopped a taxi.....the taxi driver
figured that they were not in their right minds......so, he just
switched on the engine and switched it off after a while and told them
: "we have arrived"......
The first man gave him money..... the second one thanked him.....
but the third one....he slapped the taxi driver.....
The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them
must have realized that the car didn't move an inch..
so, he asked the third man: "what was that for?"
The third man replied: "control your speed next time you got here so
quick you almost killed us....."
Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the
middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm hot.
Wife: You get hot at the worst times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please ........... go on.
Wife: All right, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? You need a torch?
Wife: I can't find it in the dark.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Yeah! that's good.
Wife: Right! Now go to sleep.
And the next time you want the bloody window open, do
it yourself!!
Now, what were you expecting??
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair.
But I was able to come to terms with the whole thing by turning to religion.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.
She's 21 and her name is Jenny.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. The locals were
shouting "Paedophile!"
and other nasty names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely ruined our 10th anniversary.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and
low cut tops --
although they do make me look a bit gay.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class
give him a hand-job.
I said to him, "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You'd better stop
before you're banned from
teaching altogether."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prince William said he didn't want the traditional fruit-cake at his wedding.
Prince Phillip said he didn't give a toss, and went anyway
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex
with me because she can't afford batteries
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a wedding party recently someone yelled, "All the married men
please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth
living."
The bartender was crushed to death.
Angry husband is not satisfied with his wife & sends an SMS to his
Mother-in-Law. "Your product is not matching my requirements."
Smart Mother-in-Law replies – "Warranty expired, manufacturer not
responsible after seal is broken."!!!
When I was 10 -
rubber meant eraser,
ass meant donkey,
gay meant happy,
straight meant linear,
making out meant 'logical detection',
Cock meant rooster,
pussy meant cat,
stag meant a male deer,
prick meant a jab,
poke meant a nudge,
chick meant a baby hen,
screw meant a carpenter's implement and
a Tit was always for Tat!!
As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial
or ethnic minority, try this one:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a
Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a
Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a
Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a
Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an
Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African
went to a night club.
The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."
This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!! Make sure you read to the end!!!!!!
Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio .
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
