XX - Adult Puns!

The following was seen by millions of viewers on a Spanish TV channel:.
The parents of a teenage girl decided to put their daughter's name
forward for a surprise game-show - she idolised teenage pop star
"Ricky martin" - and they arranged for TV cameras to be placed
throughout the house.
The house was then left empty with Ricky martin hidden in the wardrobe
in the girl's bedroom, all set to give the daughter a wonderful
surprise.
However, upon returning home from school and finding the house empty,
the daughter made her way down to the kitchen where she opened the
fridge and removed a tin of pati. At this stage the live TV audience
is wondering what the hell is going on.
She then went back upstairs to her bedroom where she proceeded to
remove all her clothes and spread pati all over her triangle of
womanhood (at this stage Ricky martin is still hidden inside the
wardrobe, and half of Spain is seeing a young girl stark naked on the
bed with pati all over her crotch).
As if the parents were not shocked enough by this, the daughter then
calls the family dog, who obediently trots up the stairs and settles
down to his favourite meal of "pati on a bed of seaweed".
At this stage the order is given to cut the broadcast, leaving a very
embarrassed set of parents in front of a live studio audience!
Consequently, sales of tinned pati have rocketed.

"Do you have any batteries?" a woman asks the hardware store clerk.
"Yes, maam." the clerk gestures with his finger.
"Can you come this way?"
"If I could come that way," the woman says, "I wouldn't need the batteries."

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely
impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth
control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the
woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

Tender love:
Two gays with haemorrhoids.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink.
Walking up behind her he says,
"Hi, there, good looking'! How's it going'?"
Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him,
looked him straight in the eye and said,
"Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, front door,
back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I
got out of college. I just flat-ass love it!"
The guy with his eyes now wide with interest, he responded,
"No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?

A philosophical friend of ours points out that at cocktail parties the
men usually stand around getting stiff, and the women are usually
tight, but when they get home they frequently find that neither is
either.
.
A guy stops by to visit his friend.
They talk for a while and then the friend asks,
"My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go upstairs and get me
my sneakers please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs.
There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking.
Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says,
"Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say,
"That can't be!" He replies,
"OK, let's check!"
He shouts at his friend down the stairs,
"Both of them?"
The father shouts back...
"Yes, both of them!"

Confucius says woman who cook carrots and peas in same pot, not sanitary.

Dave sent his wife a message that he'd be home a day earlier than planned.
Arriving at the house, he discovered his wife in bed with another man.
Bitterly, Dave kicked them out of the house, and started to plan a
course of action.
His thoughts were interrupted by a call from his soon to be ex-mother- in- law.
She believed that there was no doubt a good explanation for her
daughter's behaviour. Dave told her to buzz off.
The next day his mother-in-law called again.
"Didn't I tell you?" she said. "Didn't I tell you there was an
explanation? I just got through talking to your wife. She never got
your e-mail! It's all your fault!"

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Puns of the Day...

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said,
"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said,
"Thank you sir, but iId rather you didn't use profanity."
The man said,
'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand
dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said,
'No shit?'

Vampires are neck-rophiliacs

A small plane with a pilot and six passengers aboard encountered
serious turbulence, and the pilot told the passengers,
"It looks like we are going down."
One of the passengers said,
"Skipper, I know how to pray."
"Good," replied the pilot, "You pray while the rest of us put on our
parachutes - we're one short."

Mixed metaphors:
"Beware my friend, you are skating on hot water."

My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him the neck
tag on his shirt was hanging out.
"I know," he replied. "It's a fad me and some of the guys started."
Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented,
"I can't stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you."
I gently tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair.
"Yeah," he said smiling slyly. "All the girls do, too."

Dracula got into his casket one July.
As he reclined he remarked,
"There is nothing like a cool bier on a hot day."

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a youg guide led them through the
process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These' she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when
they no longer produce."
She then asked,
"What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered,
"They send us on bus tours!"

How about the classic line from "Young Frankenstein" in which Marty
Feldman admits the brain he stole was one from someone named Abby
Normal?
I went to the store the other day to pick out a new tie for an upcoming wedding.
I found one that matched my suit but it didn't have a price tag on it.
So, I asked the clerk,
"Hey, buddy, how much is this tie?" He said,
"Seventy-five dollars."
I said,
"What! I can buy a pair of shoes with that kind of money."
He said,
"Maybe, but how would a pair of shoes look around your neck?"

I went to the butchers the other day and bet him $50 that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.'

To make sure the newspaper got out in time, the management made sure
that the folks working the overnight shift were fed.
After all, at the time, there weren't any all night diners open in the town.
To get around this, the company provided trays of sandwich fixings and
snacks for the city desk reporters and staff.
One morning, as he was just getting ready to start on his last
article, a hungry editor turned to a reporter and asked if there was
any food left.
"Yeah, I think there's a piece of cake left, but it's not for you."
"Why not?" asked the editor.
"Because you can't have your cake and edit, too!"

I'm not the man I used to be,
So, why should I have to pay off his debts?

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two
Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen sie deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him. "
Excusez-moi, parlez vous francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
No response,
"Hablan ustedes espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says,
"Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "that bloke knew four languages, and it didn't
do him any good."

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Puns of the Day...

The firefly's flame is something for
Which science has no name
I can think of nothing eerier
Than flying around with an unidentified glow
On a person's posterior.

Sign on a septic tank truck:
Yesterday's Meals On Wheels

Three old guys from the twilight home were given, as a treat, a day at
the beach.
And it turned out to be a nudist beach.
They were watching the various young women agog.
When the prettiest of them all walked by, one of the men said,
"I'd like to give her a hug."
"I'd like to give her a kiss," said the second man.
And the third old man said,
"What was that other thing we used to do?"

"It sure is a nice ride away from the city," effused Tom outlandishly .

A man owned a small farm in Australia.
The Fair Work Australia Office claimed he was not paying proper wages
to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me
for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. He also
gets triple time for working on a Sunday and a slab of beer for a
Happy Hour every Friday"
'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week
plus free room and board. She doesn't work on Sundays and I provide
paid satellite television for free in her room.
'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does
about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $20 per week,
pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every
Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to... The half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

Mixed metaphors:
"some people sail through life on a bed of roses like a knife slicing
through butter."

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!"
She bundled him in the closet stark naked.
The husband however became suspicious, and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from bugs-b-gone."
"What are you doing in there?"
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths."
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,
"Those pesky little bastards!"

The wife appeared at the breakfast table in curlers and a worn bathrobe.
The husband looked up from his newspaper and said,
"Why can't you look like you did when we were first got married?"
"How can I?" she snapped back. "I'm not pregnant!"

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink and were
watching the 6 o'clock news.
A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied,
"I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped.
So, the blonde gave the redhead the $50.
The redhead said,
"I can't take this, you're my friend." the blonde said,
"No. A bet's a bet".
So, the redhead said,
"Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news. So, I
can't take your money." "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump
again!"

The local Catholic Church plans to bring parishioners to services via shuttle.
They plan on calling it "Mass Transit."

There was a couple who had just purchased a farm at auction.
Having been city slickers all their lives, they were not too well
versed in practices of farming.
As the time was right, the husband said,
"Honey, I'm gonna go outside and plant some seeds. We'll be able to
eat free vegetables all summer long. If you freeze enough, we won't
have to purchase veggies at the supermarket all winter."
"OK," the wife told him. "when you get done planting vegetables -- and
any fruit you decide to, I've got something to plant a little ways
from the vegetable garden."
"Really!" said the husband. "And what idea did you come up with this time?"
"I want you to plant a Lionel model railroad transformer. Plant it not
too far from the house. Between the house and barn would be the
perfect location."
Her husband's mouth fell open.
"What do you expect to grow if I plant a model-railroading transformer?"
"Hello?" she said . "Haven't you ever heard of a power plant?"

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The uniqueness of the English language...

Professor Ernest Brennecke of Columbia in USA is credited with inventing a
Sentence that can be made to have eight different meanings by placing
ONE WORD in all possible positions in the sentence:

"I hit him in the eye yesterday."

The Query: What is this word?

The Answer: The word is "ONLY".

The Message:

1. ONLY I hit him in the eye yesterday.
(No one else did.)

2. I ONLY hit him in the eye yesterday.
(Did not slap him.)

3. I hit ONLY him in the eye yesterday.
(I did not hit others.)

4. I hit him ONLY in the eye yesterday.
(I did not hit outside the eye.)

5. I hit him in ONLY the eye yesterday.
(Not other organs.)

6. I hit him in the ONLY eye yesterday.
(He doesn't have another eye.)

7. I hit him in the eye ONLY yesterday.
(Not today.)

8. I hit him in the eye yesterday ONLY.
(Did not wait for today.)

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Puns of the Day...

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an
exclusive jewelry store.
"Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble
either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about
this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.
The crook looked at the slip and said,
"This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me
something less expensive?"

A man was telling his neighbour,
"I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars,
but its state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbour.
"What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I
left the lights on overnight.
I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get
my wife to give me a hand to start the car.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas
guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it.
I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic
transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30mph for it to start.
She said "fine!", hopped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.
A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming
at me at about 40 mph, and I suddenly realized that I should have been
a bit clearer with my directions!

I once went for a job at an airline.
The interviewer asked me why I wanted to be a stewardess, and I told
her -- it would be a great chance to meet men.
She looked at me and said,
"But you can meet men anywhere."
I said, "Strapped down?

It's about 10 p. M. On a Wednesday night, and a guy sitting at a bar
finishes his drink and is about ready to go home.
Before he gets a chance to walk out, the bartender says to him,
"Hey buddy," why're ya goin' home so soon? I usually see you here
until past midnight. Something wrong tonight?"
The guy responds,
"No ain't nothin' wrong, just gotta sore butt from sittin' on this bar
stool for so long." "Buddy, I got just the thing for ya," says the
bartender as he's reaching up to the top shelf behind the bar.
He pulls down a bottle of pills, opens the bottle up, and hands the
guy two white pills.
The guy looks at the pills in his hand and says,
"What're these, aspirin?"
"Nooo," says the bartender, "Stool softener."

I witnessed a robbery in a fabric factory and immediately called the police.
They caught the culprit and held me as a material witness.

It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up
to the bar.
"What will you have?" the bartender asked.
"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.
"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.
"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said, "That'll be two
bloods and a blood light?"

I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.

A news item this morning was about a local coal miner.
It seems that his avocation was painting, but since he couldn't afford
to buy canvasses he simply painted on the wall of his small cottage.
Unfortunately, a gang of youths broke into his cottage earlier this
week and defaced his paintings.
Yesterday, the young miscreants were charged in court with having
"corrupted the murals of a miner."

I put some tuna in a pastry shell and found it staring at me.
I wonder what a pie sees.

As a dental hygienist, I had a family come in one day for cleanings.
By the time I was ready for the father, he informed me I had a lot to
live up to.
His six-year-old daughter kept commenting that a "very smart lady" was
cleaning their teeth today.
The father said she kept going on about my intelligence until finally
he had to ask what she was basing her opinion on.
The little girl replied,
"I heard people in here call her the Dental High Genius."

The Buddhist refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work,
Because he wanted to transcend dental medication.

The divorce court was attentive as the wife complained to the Judge
that her husband had left her bed and board.
When she had finished, the husband's lawyer rose to his feet and coolly replied,
"Your Honour, I have a slight correction in the typing of the charging
documents. My client claims that he left her bed 'bored'."

That which does not kill you has made a tactical error.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses and pigs, the wife
asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours"?
"Yes" the husband replied, "In-laws."

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Maid and all

The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the
wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid,
so she laid a trap. One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for
the weekend, and didn't inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:
"Excuse me my dear........my stomach," and disappeared towards the
bathroom. The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back
stairs, into the maid's bed. She just had time to switch the lights
off when in he came silently............

He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his willy, and got on
top of her. When he finished and still panting, the wife said " You
didn't expect to find me in this bed did you!!" and switched on the
light.

"No indeed, Madam" said the chauffeur!!!.

 

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XX - Adult Puns!

A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he
noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.
He went up to her and said,
"Good morning, madam."
She smiled pleasantly and asked,
"And what would you like?"
"What would I like?
I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight.
Then, run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that.
Then, run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress.
When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while
simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth.
And then I'd like to suck on your beautiful tits and bite your nipples lightly.
But what I came to buy is a new tie."

Did you hear about the new study that says,
"Sex decreases your chances of getting a cold?"
The more sex you have, the less chance you'll have a cold.
Now every time a woman sneezes, I hear someone say,
"Hey, I got something for that."

Confucius says better to be pissed off than pissed on.

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't
get it up for my wife anymore."
"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife.
"Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the doctor said. "Now turn all
the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your
clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside.
"You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an
erection either."

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.
"Young lady," the doctor began, "You're pregnant."
"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our
colony we practice sex only with our eyes."
"Well, my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."

Does the career advice,
"Come early on your first day" apply in the porn business?

A woman goes into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne.
She takes the first glass and pours it down the back of her skirt.
The bartender looks amazed as she pours another glass and again tips
it down her skirt. Finally, the bartender asks:
"Why are you pouring your drinks down your skirt?"
"Well," the woman replies, "I've just won the lottery and this is the
only arsehole I'm sharing it with!"

Arriving for her artificial insemination, Mrs. Aldiss was surprised
when the attendant locked the door behind them and began taking off
his clothes.
"And just what do you think you're doing?" she demanded.
"Sorry," said the young man, "but we're all out of the bottled stuff.
I've got to give you draft."

Life is a sexually transmitted disease and there is a 100 per cent
mortality rate.
A salesman rang the door bell and little johnny answered.
The salesman asked if his father was at home.
Johnny said,
"Yes."
The salesman said,
"Well, can I see him please?"
Johnny snickered and said,
"No, he is in the shower."
Then, the salesman asked if his mother was at home.
Johnny said,
"Yes."
The salesman said,
"Well, can I see her?"
Johnny snickered again and said,
"No, she's in the shower, too."
The salesman then asked,
"Do you think they will be out soon?"
Johnny laughed this time and said,
"No." the salesman asked,
"Why?"
"Well," Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave
him some super glue."

The first woman recruit in the army reported for duty and was told
that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to
mess with the men.
It wasn't until four weeks later that someone finally told her that
mess meant to eat her meals with them.

Condoms in Germany are called:
"weinerhosen".

The male bodybuilder eyed a gorgeous female lifting weights in the gym.
He ambled over and said,
"Hey babe. What do you say to a little private training session?"
She replied,
"What do you have in mind?"
He stared at her crotch and leered,
"I feel like working on the snatch."
She retorted,
"I think you should head for the showers."
"Why?"
She pointed at his crotch and said,
"You'll have to settle
for the clean and jerk."

 

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The Miracle Of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your 'bum', didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

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Puns of the Day...

At mints that print money, you'll hear
Folks say that they ought to adhere
To a motto they all
See that hangs on the wall,
Hich states that The Buck Starts Here.

Mixed Metaphors:
"It's time to step up to the plate and cut the mustard."

My son Zack is 3 and VERY active.
My husband's best friend had asked for Zack to be the ring bearer in
his wedding (much to my surprise since they know how active he is)
Anyway's, to make a long story short, I always try to prepare Zack and
get him excited about stuff.
We were talking about the wedding and what it means to be a ring bearer.
He assured me he could do it and was excited.
The next day, I told him to tell his Mamaw about what he was going to
do in the wedding.
He said,
"I'm going to be the bear that gets to carry the rings down the aisle."

"How do you start a model-T Ford without a battery?" asked Tom crankily.

A woman in London was walking in the park with her house guest, a
member of a Roman Catholic religious order, when one of the city's
many pigeons dropped its calling card on the visitor while flying
overhead.
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry! " the embarrassed Londoner said to her guest.
"Not to worry, " the good-humored sister replied as she dabbed with
her handkerchief at the dropping on her habit.
"It's quite obvious that pigeon was on a nun-stop flight.

When the action starts at sea,
Each navy prefers its own drink.
The British head for rum;
The French head for wine;
The Germans head for beer, and
The Italians head for port.

Bob Cohen, who is quadriplegic and uses a wheelchair, is driving to a
very important business meeting, but, when he gets there, he can't
find a handicap only parking slot.
He drives around, up to several blocks away.
Even the two pay parking lots are full. In desperation he looks
heavenly and says,
"Oh Lord, if You will find me a parking place in the next five
minutes, I promise You I will stop gambling, I'll eat only kosher
food, I'll stop going with shiksas and I'll observe shabbes properly."
Almost immediately, he sees a van pulling out of its handicap only
parking place and quickly takes its place.
Again, Bob looks up at heaven and says,
"Oh Lord, there's no need for You to find me a parking place - I've
already found one."

Too many couples marry for better,
Or
For worse,
But not for good.

Many people hate taking a cruise,
Because it makes them cross.

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was
enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed.
So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife
didn't want to have any more children..
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker,
light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and
count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor,
"B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see
how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help
me with my problem."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So, the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can
between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania.

Before you criticise someone,
You should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticise them,
You're a mile away and you have their shoes.

A woman took her weekly clothes and went to the dry cleaners.
When she got there, she put a pair of slacks on the counter.
She asked me,
"Can you clean these?"
"Well, ma'am, these pants are satin," replied the clerk.
"I know that already. I want to know if you can remove whatever it was
I sat in!"

They say I am wishy washy
But
I can't decide if they're right.

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XX - Adult Puns!

I have never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women
differ so much.
I have never figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.
And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets
thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words,
"I do."
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said,
"WHAT??"
So, she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads.
She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
I'm thinking,
"What was her first clue?"
I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night.
So, I went to bed.
The very next day, we went shopping at a big unnamed department store.
I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take.
So, I told her to take all three of them.
She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00 each to
which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. Where she gets a
set of matching earrings.
Let me tell you, she was so excited.
She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I
don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a
tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have
seen her face when she said,
"I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,
"No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
You should have seen her face... It went completely blank.
I then said,
"Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring
thaw in 2035.

"Did you hear that Linda got a great new job?"
"Really? I wish I could do that. I'd like a change for the better."
"Well, you can always do what she did."
"What's that?"
"Don't wear panties to the interview."

A New York Judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple.
When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete the
woman thanks the Judge and says,
"Now I have to arrange for a Get."
The Judge inquires what she means by a Get.
So, the woman explains that a Get is a religious ceremony required
under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by
the Jewish faith.
The Judge says,
"You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?"
She replies, "
Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire prick."

A woman bought herself a slinky nightgown.
Her boyfriend tried to talk her out of it.

Maurice comes home one day to find his wife Hannah, an English
teacher, in bed with his best friend.
"Darling," Maurice cries, "how could you? After all the years we've
been together, I come home from work to find you like this. I am
surprised."
"No, no, my dear," says Hannah, "you are amazed. I am surprised."

A man sued his ex-wife for $1,000,000 for allegedly causing him to
become impotent.
He lost the case because the evidence did not stand up in court.

I'm in my back yard trying to fly a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, Karen, the wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opened the window and yelled to me, '
You need more tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and said,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she need
to file her taxes. The accountant says:
"Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions.
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks,
"What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant balks and says,
"No, No, No, that won't work. That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says,
"OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman says,
"I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks,
"What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore call girl?'
"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."
"Good enough."

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XX - Adult Puns!

Some are direct and risque...dont read if you are a prude..

Single story houses of ill repute are more profitable than those with
two stories because there is less overhead.

Mother was in the kitchen making supper for her family when her
youngest daughter walked in...
"Mother, where do babies come from?" asked the moppet.
"Well dear... A mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One
night they go into their room... They kiss, hug and have sex," said
the mother.
The daughter looked puzzled.
The mother then explained,
"That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how
you get a baby, honey."
"Oh, I see," said the child, "but the other night when I came into you
and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get
when you do that?"
"Jewelry, dear," replied the mother.

An American was waiting on a London street corner.
An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her
dress above her waist.
"A bit airy, isn''t it?" remarked the American.
Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly,
''ll yes! What did you expect - feathers?"

The worst thing you can say to a man who complains that his wife is frigid is,
"No, she isn't"

A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work among the bright
lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a
taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.
"Tis a lovely soft coat yur wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where
did ye get that?" Colleen replies,
"Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London."
When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but
she's back to visit her mom a few months later.
This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful
gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.
Same exchange with Mom.
Same, "Won it at bingo!"
Then, Colleen returns to the bright lights again.
A few months later, she's back again.
And this time she's sporting a beautiful emerald diamond necklace with
matching bracelet and earrings.
She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo.
Then, she asks her Mom to run her a bath as she need to freshen up.
Her Mom draws the bath while Colleen gets undressed in her bedroom,
but when she gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot
water in the bathtub.
Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water
after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs,
"Mom! Sure now didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a
quarter inch of water in the tub!"
"Indeed there is, me darlin" replies her Mom." "But we don't want ye
gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"

If you drink don't park,
Accidents cause people.

The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the
lounge lizard made his move.
"I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
The woman turned and looked at him.
Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue.
She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes
opened to the size of dinner plates.
She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line,
"You've got a large donkey or Doberman?"
The guy turned as green as his golf slacks and slipped away without a word.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception.
I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "No."

The handsome construction worker considered himself quite, the stud,
and indeed had no trouble persuading a good-looking recent
acquaintance to come back to his apartment. After making love to her,
he rolled over and lit a cigarette.
His self-satisfied smile vanished, however, when the woman hopped out
of bed and snapped,
"You may look like Mel Gibson, but you're lousy in the sack."
The indignant fellow snapped,
"I don't see what makes you such an expert after only forty-five seconds !"

One of my wife's friends is a lesbian.
One day we got to talking and I asked her did she ever wonder what it
would be like to have children.
She said it was the one thing she regretted about her sexual
orientation, that she might never be a mother.
She's a stunning looking lady, and I said slyly that if she ever
wanted to be impregnated I'd be happy to help out, purely
altruistically, of course.
She shot me a mega-death stare, and told me with a curling lip that if
she ever decided to reproduce, it would be by artificial insemination.
"No problem," I replied, "If you want artificial, I'll tell you I love you."

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Puns of the Day...

Two men were out hunting in the woods.
One of them was a fanatical huntsman: he went hunting as often as he could.
The other was his friend: a peaceful nature loving fellow, who didn't
really want to hurt anything.
They had been out in the woods for some time, when they picked up the
tracks of a deer.
They soon caught up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why
it had been so easy to catch up to: it had a terrible infection over
it's left eye, which it couldn't even see out of.
The hunter started to take aim with his shotgun, but his friend begged
him to stop.
He said,
"Can't you see that's a bad eye deer?"

When women enter middle age,
It gives men a pause.

A group of sterile monks in white robes were circling a large urn
containing flowers, chanting, raising their hands, bowing to the urn,
and performing some kind of ritual on one young member of the group.
It appeared to be a vase sect to me.

Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice,
It did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store.

Little Johnny had just gotten his ear pierced, and the other students
were bombarding him with questions about the process.
"Does the hole go all the way through?" Billy asked.
"Yes," answered Little Johnny.
"Did it hurt?" asked Susie.
"Just a little," replied Little Johnny.
"Did they stick a needle through your ears?" asked Jacob.
"No, they used a special gun," said Little Johnny.
Silence followed, and then Joe called out,
 "Like, how far away did they stand?"

A glass maker with a gambling addiction suffers from win-dough pain?

A naked and drunken woman boards a taxi in Orlando east one night.
The driver keeps staring at the rear view mirror and does not start the taxi.
Woman: "Haven't you seen a naked woman before?"
Driver: "I'm not staring at you lady. I'm just wondering where you are
keeping the money to pay me!"

I tried looking for gold,
But it didn't pan out.

A man gets off a plane in Boston and heads immediately for the Men's Room.
It's crowded but he finds a vacant urinal to gain relief after the
long flight and many drinks.
The man at the urinal next to his says,
"You're Jewish?" "Yes."
"You come from Talahasee, Florida?"
"Yes."
"Your parents went to Temple Immanuel?"
"Yes, I don't think I know you. How do you know so much about me?"
The man next to him replies,
"Rabbi Minski of Temple Immanuel is the only Rabbi I know that
performs circumcisions by cutting at an angle and you're peeing in my
shoe!

In Mediaeval times the married knights fought with battle-axes.

A chief petty officer caught an AWOL sailor as he tried to sneak aboard ship.
Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation, the petty officer told him,
"Sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning, or it's the brig for you!"
The sailor picked up a broom, but before he could sweep, a tern landed
on the handle.
The lad picked the tern off and tossed it overboard.
The bird lit again on the broom handle, and was again tossed away.
On and on, through the night, they went through the same routine.
In the morning, when the petty officer inspected, he found the chain
still dirty.
"What have you been doing all night?" he asked angrily.
"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and
couldn't sweep a link!"

They arrested the former chewing gum manufacturer for unlicensed ex-spearmints.
After stopping his car on a deserted section of country road, the
young man turned to his date and made some rather predictable
advances.
"Just a minute," the girl declared, pushing him away. "I'm really a
prostitute and I have to charge you fifty dollars."
After he reluctantly paid her, they made love.
Later, the man sat silently at the wheel.
"Aren't we leaving?" the girl asked.
"Not quite yet," the fellow said. "I'm really a cabdriver and the fare
back is fifty dollars."

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The Condom

An interesting fact!

In 1872
the New Zealanders
invented the condom,
using a sheep's bladder

In 1873
the English
somewhat refined the idea
by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.

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Why I Don't Attend High School Reunions

Jan, Sue and Lois haven't seen each other since High School.  They
rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for
lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot
Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the
required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Lois
walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.  She
too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from
Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has
a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's
leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue ,
whereSusanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second
home in Phoenix .

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a
surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment
banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home
in Naples, Florida .
pal

Lois explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her
boyfriend, Gene. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow
their own vegetables. Gene can stand five parrots, side by side, on
his dick.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan
blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live
in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a
nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains
that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They
live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Lois admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

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Puns of the Day...

Bringing a baby into the world is labour of love.

Once, I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well.
There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, urologists,
gynaecologists, proctologists.
Any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in your hole.
They make an entire career out of that hole.
And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, urologist,
gynaecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he sends you to a
surgeon.
Why?
So, he can make a new hole!

I thought I might become a psychic televangelist but I couldn't find
anyone willing to fundamentalist preacher.
Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man.
But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him, his height.
Or, should I say... His very obvious lack of it.
One day, he stormed through the front door and announced angrily,
"Someone just picked my pocket!"
Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for one who
just had to blurt out. . .
"How could anyone stoop so low?"

When the archaeologist found a huge wall sculpture,
It was quite a relief.

I was all excited when my doctor gave me a prescription for the
medical marijuana that sells under the name brand, "Reeferal."
Then, I found out he was a poor speller and was just sending me to
another doctor.

They tore strips off my dog before kicking him off that logging ship.
He was disembarked.

I recall hearing about a baseball game where a superstar pitcher was
on his way to a strikeout record.
Strangely, he would disappear into the dugout whenever his team was at
bat and return with a newly laundered uniform.
One of his teammates following him into the dugout and found that he
was washing and pressing his uniforms.
When asked what that was all about, the pitcher replied,
"Well, you have to iron when the strike is hot!"

My Uncle Joe is so stupid he put beer in his water bed so he'd have a
foam mattress!

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying,
'Yes..'
So, I said,
"Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's why I was admitted to the trauma I.C.U.

Geologists aren't perfect, they have their faults.

I heard my wife mention one morning while getting ready for Church,
"I sure need some new stockings."
When she went into the bakery on the way home that afternoon, I spied
a clothing store next door.
So, I thought I would surprise her and went in to buy her some new stockings...
"Can I help you," the sales lady asked.
"Yes," I replied. "I would like to get some stockings for me wife please."
"Sheer?" she asked.
"No, she ain't here," I replied. "She's next door at the bakery."

A prospector marched into an assayer's office and planted two huge
nuggets on the counter.
"Well, don't just stand there, assay something!"

Few people know that George Washington was actually a Texan.
As a young boy, he used his bowie knife and chopped down his father's
favourite mesquite tree.
His father returned from a hard day of riding the range and demanded
to know who had cut down his prized tree.
"Father," said young George, "I cannot tell a lie. I chopped it down."
"That settles it," said his father, "we're moving to Virginia. With an
attitude like that, you'll never make it in Texas politics."

Jimmy Swaggert, Jim Bakker and Jesse Jackson are collaborating on a new book.
It's to be titled:
"Ministers Do More Than Laypeople"

My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations
that customs officials must follow.
But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.
We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler.
The judge asked the court,
"Who is making these allegations?"
My boss stood up and proclaimed,
"I am the alligator, Your
Honour."

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XXX - Adult Puns!

There was a sale on bras.
I misunderstood when my wife said the bras at the mall were all 75% off.
I was ready to go!
Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for midgets.
According to our demographics, they figured that we should have six
midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance
the building of homes and let the "little people" pay less than the
going rate for rent.
Since we have only one "little person" living here, it turns out that
he won't have to pay anything for the only house we built, the subsidy
covers everything.
We call it a "Stay Free Mini Pad!!!"

The doctor at the local health clinic was admonishing the red neck patient.
"Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you ain't to have no
relations whatsoever!" Pausing for a moment, the young patient
replied,
"Okay, but what about friends 'n neighbours?"

My neighbour died in his locked garage last night.
When I asked the cop what did him in, he said "ass fixation."
Holy cow, I better start deleting my porn right now!

The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the condo of their
dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model.
The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbour
and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to
return.
One time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall
between the two apartments.
There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine.
Finally, she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell.
When the model answered, the wife fumed,
"I would like to know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get
something over here."
"Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't
helping none either."

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions.
One said,
"I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy.
"What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount
her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts
in your hands and whisper in her ear, ' Boy, these feel just like your
sister's.'
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

Virgin:
A girl who whispers sweet nothing doings.

A little girl answered the knock on the door of the farmhouse.
The caller, a rather troubled-looking, middle-aged man, asked to see her father.
"If you've come about the bull," she said, "he's fifty dollars. We
have the papers and everything and he's guaranteed."
"Young lady," the man said, "I want to see your father."
"If that's too much," the little girl replied, "we got another bull
for twenty-five dollars, and he's guaranteed, too, but he doesn't have
any papers."
"Young lady" the man repeated, "I want to see your father!"
"If that's too much," said the little girl, "we got another bull for
only ten dollars, but he's not guaranteed."
"I'm not here for a bull," said the man angrily. "I want to talk about
your brother, Elmer. He's gotten my daughter in trouble!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," said the little girl. "You'll have to see Pa about
that, 'cause I don't know what he charges for Elmer."

The new college physician was bewildered by the procession of unhappy
young women regularly visiting his campus clinic for pregnancy tests.
"There seems to be something in the air this time of year that causes
young girls to get pregnant," he commented to an colleague.
"What is it, I wonder?"
"Their legs," replied his friend

Little Jill comes home from playing at Johnny's house.
"Hey Mom, guess what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!"
Mom is understandably confused for a second, then asks,
"What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?"
"No silly, it's salty!"

A drunk guy is sitting in a bar.
There is a very buxom lady a few seats down -- I'd estimate a 44DD bra.
A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer.
The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.
It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of
her breasts.
This happens a couple more times.
The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts.
She decks him! He's laying on the floor and moans,
"Why do you let the bartender do it?"
"Because he has a liquor license! You don't!"

The meaning of lots of phrases depend on your location.
A "Safe Cracker" in New York is a person who opens a safe without knowing the
combination.
In Georgia it's an AIDS-free white girl on the pill.

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PC - Male or Female

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group
was asked to give four reasons for its

recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1.. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for

it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model..

The women won.

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Paraprosdokian sentences

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a
sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes
the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part.
It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

Ø   I asked God for a bike,
But I know God doesn't work that way.
So, I stole a bike
And
Asked for forgiveness.

Ø    Do not argue with an idiot.
He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø    I want to die peacefully in my sleep,
Like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Ø    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
Standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø    The last thing I want to do is hurt you.
But it's still on the list.

Ø    Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø    If I agreed with you,
We'd both be wrong.

Ø    We never really grow up;
We only learn how to act in public.

Ø    War does not determine who is right --
Only who is left.

Ø    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø    The early bird might get the worm,
But the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø    Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,'
And
Then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ø    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.

Ø    A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a  train stops.
My desk is a work station.

Ø    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
But it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Ø    Some people are like Slinkies ....
Not really good for anything,
But you can't help smiling when you push one  down the stairs.

Ø    Dolphins are so smart,
That within a few weeks of captivity they can train people
To stand on the edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Ø   I  thought I wanted a career;
 Turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

Ø    A bank is a place that will lend you money
If you can prove that you don't need it.

Ø    Whenever I fill out an application,
In the part that says.
"In case of an emergency, notify - - -",
I put "DOCTOR."

Ø    I didn't say it was your fault,
I said I was blaming you.

Ø    I saw a chesty woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...
So, I said "Implants?"

Ø    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
But check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø    Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head
And
A beer gut and still think they are sexy.

Ø    Why do Americans choose from just two people
To run for President
And
Fifty for Miss America?

Ø    Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Ø    A clear conscience is usually
The sign of a bad memory.

Ø    You do not need a parachute to sky dive.
You only need a parachute to sky dive,,,, twice.

Ø    The voices in my head may not be real,
But they have some good ideas!

Ø    Always borrow money from a pessimist.
He won't expect it back.

Ø    A diplomat is someone who can tell
You to go to hell in such a way that
You will look forward to the trip.

Ø    Hospitality:
Making your guests feel like they're at home,
Even if you wish they were.

Ø    Money can't buy happiness,
But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø    I discovered I scream the same way
Whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark
Or
If a piece of seaweed touches my  foot.

Ø    Some cause happiness
Wherever they go.
Others,
Whenever they go.

Ø    There's a fine line between cuddling
And
Holding someone down so they can't get away.

Ø    I used to be indecisive.
Now I'm not sure.

Ø    I always take life with a grain of salt...
Plus a slice of lemon...
And
A shot of tequila.

Ø    When tempted to fight fire with fire,
Remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø    You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø    To be sure of hitting the target,
Shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Ø    Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Ø    A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when
You are after it as opposed to when you are in it.

Ø    If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes,
Why do some people have more than one child?

Ø    Change is inevitable,
Except from a vending machine.

   Ø    When something works just fine,,
DON'T fix it !!!

   Ø    Insanity is contagious,
You get it from your children.

   Ø    Hire a teenager,,
While they still know everything.

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XX - Adult Puns!

The matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her.
"I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, "but the man wants to be sure
you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample."
The woman was shocked.
"Such a thing you ask a Christian virtuous woman? Such a crude person
would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a
gentleman."
The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said,
"He's a pragmatic man. After all, to him it's not a big deal... Just a sample."
She thought a minute.
"A pragmatic man, is he? So tell him I don't give samples. I can give
him 50 or 60 references, if he wants, though.

A good ol' boy walked over to a good looking girl in a bar and said,
"Howdy! How'd y'all like to come on over to my house and we can have a
real good time?" "I'm not too sure," she replied, "where exactly are
you from?"
"I'm from Kentucky, way up in the hills."
"Oh, I've heard about you guys from Kentucky," she said, "you guys
will screw pigs and goats and cows and chickens..."
He interrupts in a very indignant tone,
"CHICKENS?"

I'd love to recruit a bunch of porn stars to join me in a charity
event for world unity, because nothing would satisfy me more than all
of us coming together.

While I was in law school,
I did some legal work for my boyfriend.
He was broke,
So, he paid me in sex.
Now, I'm having trouble finding a job and I don't understand why.
Don't law firms usually prefer that you have experience working pro-boner?

The man who can read a woman like a book usually likes to read in bed.

The doctor gazed at the harassed, stout lady who sat on the other side
of his desk.
"I was right, Mrs. Green," he announced. "You are definitely pregnant again."
"This will be the fifteenth child, doc," said Mrs. Green grimly.
"You'll have to help me. Enough is enough. I want one of those hearing aids!"
"A hearing aid?" frowned the doctor.
"Surely you mean a contraceptive device."
"No, I mean a hearing aid, doctor. You see it's like this. Every
Saturday night my husband comes in drunk. When he gets into bed he
says, "Now then, are we going to sleep, or what?' And every blasted
time I ask, 'What?'"

A local diner promotes safe sex.
They write the bill on a condom.
In that way you can wine and dine your date, and stick her with the bill.

A sweet young thing took her seat on opening day of her college class.
The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and asked,
"What are you doing wearing a football jersey?"
The girl replied,
"Why, I bought it and own it. Why shouldn't I wear it?"
He said,
"You're not supposed to wear it to class unless you've made the team."
"Oh," she replied sweetly. "Who did I miss?"

An erection is like the Theory of Relativity -
The more you think about it, the harder it gets

There was a couple who were big over-spenders.
They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to
save any money to do so.
One day, they came with an idea -- each time they have sex, they will
put $20.00 bill into piggy bank.
They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.
After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their
dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.
The husband looked at their savings and said: "Isn't it strange. Each
time we had sex, I put $20.00 into piggy. But here we have many $50.00
and a few $100.00 bills."
The wife replied:
"Do you think that everybody is as cheap as you are?"

I'm awfully sorry, miss," said the store clerk, "but this fifty dollar
bill is counterfeit."
"Damn it," she exclaimed, "I've been seduced!"

The sweet young thing was telling the Evangelist that she had been
sleeping in another bedroom since she had caught her husband sleeping
with the neighbour.
"It's your duty to forgive him, my child," intoned the minister as he
patted her hand.
She fell into his arms gently sobbing.
"But," he added, as his grip tightened, "How'd ya like to get even
with the S.O.B. First?"

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Puns of the Day...

Two bees ran into each other.
One asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet
and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any
honey..."
"No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn
left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah
going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."
"Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first
bee asked,
"How'd it go?"
"Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulka," said the second bee, "I didn't want them to
think I was a wasp."

I used to be a heavy gambler.
But now I just make mental bets.
That's how I lost my mind.

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and
the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database.
One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs.
Suspecting that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.
"Is it true Mr. Smith that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth." lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered:
"Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

The Los Angeles Airport Commission has finally released the plans for
the expansion of Los Angeles International Airport which when built
will be able to accommodate twice the number of international flights
that now come into LAX.
The plans have passed all necessary environmental impact studies and
construction appears to depend on obtaining adequate funding.
A $1,200,000,000 Airport Bond measure will have to be passed by Los
Angeles County voters for construction to occur.
The original plans were to call the enlarged airport,
"Charlton Heston International Airport" because of the high caliber of
the famed resident, and his close relationship to John Wayne whose
name is attached to the airport 50 miles to the south.
However, many Los Angeles residents oppose this name because they feel
it might be an open invitation to bring firearms to the new airport.
The Los Angeles TIMES, a supporter of the new airport expansion has
been conducting a poll of its readers for an appropriate name for the
new facility.
By far, the most popular name of all those suggested, leading by a
three to one margin at present, has been to call the new airport LAX
and change the current airport to EX-LAX.
A lady bought a stamp at the post office and asked the clerk,
"Shall I stick it on myself?"
The clerk replied, "It'll get there faster if you stick it on the envelope.

I had given our daughter, who was 15 at the time, a driver's manual.
On the way to town one day, I was coaching her as I drove.
I told her to be studying her book so as to be ready when it came time
to get her driver's permit.
"Oh," she said, "I already know everything in the book."
"You do?" I returned.
"Yep", she said, very smugly.
I thought,
"OK, we'll just see about that. I'll give her a hard one."
So, I asked her,
"How many feet does it take to stop the car if you are driving 60
miles an hour and have to slam on the brakes real hard?"
"One," she replied.
"What?" I asked. "One?!"
She repeated her answer and then because of the confused look on my
face, she added, "Only one, Mom. You always told me never to use my
left foot on the brakes, only use my right one."

The things my wife buys at auction is keeping me baroque.
Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package
and a large bird cage.
She was gone several days but finally she returned.
Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad.
Liz spoke to Sally about her apparent unhappiness:
Liz: "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you
got back okay... But you look so sad. Why??"
Sally: "Cause I just can't get a man."
Liz: "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
Sally: "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods 'cause
I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find
it."
Liz: "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally: "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead
mice and a bird cage."
Liz: "So, how's that gonna help you get a man."
Sally: "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair
of hooters
."
 

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