XX - Adult Puns!

Mrs. Custer grabs the artist.
"Oh! I tell you I want a painting commemorating my husband's last thoughts.
You give me cows with halos and Indians making love?"
"Mrs. Custer," he says, "Those are your husband's last thoughts.
'Holy Cow! Look at all those f**king Indians.'"

It's is smarter to cop a feel than to feel a cop,

A pharmacist told his new assistant to he polite to every customer that came in.
"If you re stuck for conversation, talk about the weather," he advised.
When the pharmacist came back from having his dinner, the assistant
was sporting a lovely black eye.
"So, much for your advice" moaned the assistant.
"What happened? Asked the pharmacist.
"Well, this woman came in for a packet of sanitary napkins.
Trying to make conversation, I said that it looked like it was qoing
to be a dull weekend…

A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing next season,
but when gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her and
starts kicking up dust.
The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because she won't be able to
race,so he calls the vet.
The vet tells him to tie a bedsheet around the filly's rump to keep
the stallion away.
So, that day, the farmer does just that.
The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's
solution worked, but the filly's nowhere to be found.
The farmer follows her hoof trail to the neighbour's farm and sees the
neighbour's kid out by their barn.
"Hey boy, did you see a filly run by with a bedsheet tied around her
rump?" the farmer asks.
The kid replies,
"No sir, but one dashed past here early this morning with a
handkerchief sticking out of her ass!!"

"I think we should go Dutch," the nurse said to the doctor in the
dimly lit restaurant.
"You pay for dinner and the movie, and the rest of your night can be on me."

A woman goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for
the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.
The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought
it on special.
All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
" Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager.
The manager comes up to the woman and asks,
"What's wrong?"
She explains the situation with the toaster.
He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
"Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
In shock, the store manager pleads,
"Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says,
"Because, I like to have my breasts grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"
She got her refund!!

The blonde had two chances to get pregnant.
She blew it both times!

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PUNS OF THE DAY...

  I am sure of this:
  If you marry a widow,
  You won't wed amiss.

I recently lost a lot of money at the poker table.
I was dealt some good hands--high pair, two pair-- but my opponents
kept getting dealt flushes and straights.
So, the whole night I was completely flush-straightened.

"The reception on the shortwave radio is clearer now," Tom said ecstatically.

"You know," I said, "that Sherlock Holmes was remarkable for his great dignity."
"He was?" said my victim, undoubtedly searching his memory of the stories.
"Oh, yes," I said gravely, "I‚m sure you have often heard of the
stately Holmes of England."

Egotist:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

Although Sigmund Freud was addicted to cocaine, he actually died when
one day after taking a bath.
Getting out of the tub he slipped and fractured his skull killing him instantly.
Might this be another Freudian slip?

Little Gordon's dad had been promising for years that he could have a
hunting bow when he turned 12.
On his birthday he unwrapped his gift box revealing the long-sought-for bow.
Yet, Gordon was still disappointed.
"But dad, where are the arrows?"
His cautious father replied,
I never promised you arrows, Gordon."

A man tried to drive across a state line with a dog sitting in a pan
of quinine water.
When he explained to the state police that his dog was under
treatment, they said,
"You can't bring in a dog like that.This is a catatonic state."

A banker married an attractive widow with two beautiful teenage daughters.
After several weeks, gossip established that the banker was making it
out well with his step-daughters.
One day, a friend cornered him and said,
"Clyde, I don't mean to pry, but people are saying you pay more
attention to your step-daughters than your wife."
The banker replied,
"Of course I do, why should I touch my principle when I'm doing so
well with my interest."

My doctor thought I had a brain tumour.
But after extensive testing they found there was nothing there.

When I was just beginning to take an interest in the opposite sex I
remember my slightly prejudicial Mom telling me,
"Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."
Later on, as a young man, I learned the fallacy of that statement,
when it became quite apparent to me that I was having one hell of a
hard time trying to please any of them.

Lump Settlement:
What you get from Workman's Comp if you get hit on the head at work.

A professor stood before his class of senior organic biology students,
about to hand out the final exam.
"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester.
I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to
medical school after summer.
So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been
celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out
of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course."
There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to
the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer.
As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the
handful of remaining students and asked,
"Anyone else? This is your last chance."
One final student rose up and opted out of the final.
The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining.
"I'm glad to see you believe in yourself," he said. "You all get 'A's."

The transvestite asked the shop girl where she lived,
So she gave him a dress.

A senile old man sitting on the park bench crying.
A guy walks up to him and says,
"What's the matter, buddy?"
The old man responds,
"I have the best life in the world.
I have a beautiful home.
I have great kids, and wonderful grandchildren.
I'm married to a gorgeous woman forty years younger than I who can
cook like nobody's business.
We make love every day, and she's amazing at it.
I have all the money I could ever need.
It's great!"
"So why are you crying?"
"I can't remember the way home!"

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X - Puns of the day!

A lion would never cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood.

'Morris was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring.
He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a
banner that said ''N I L''.
White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to
"The Great Nullity,"
"The Blessed Emptiness," and
"The Big Zero in the Sky".
Morris turned to a white-robed observer beside him and whispered,
"Is Nothing Sacred?"'

At the first session of a conversion class the minister conducting the
class asked,
"What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from sin?"
After a long silence, one of the men in attendance raised his hand and said:
"Sin?"'

An old-time Excedrine slogan has been recycled into pushing a
lemon-lime-type soft drink:
"Mother, Please! I'd Rather Dew It Myself!"

A coprolite (fossil faeces) was recently discovered which was 17
inches long by 5 inches wide, and 65,000,000 years old and had chopped
up dinosaur bone in it, Paleontologists announced that it was probably
from a Tyranosaurus Rex.
They determined it was from a T. Rex by a process of elimination.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

My sister-in-law was married to a prominent surgeon who was a member
of operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in
the Chicago area.
He would operate in the morning, then field calls about his patients
in the evening.
Once, when I was visiting his home, he was on the phone talking to a
resident at Christ Hospital when the other phone rang.
My sister-in-law answered, then whispered to her husband,
"It's St. Francis calling."
He whispered back,
"Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back. I'm talking to Christ."

A executive took his secretary to a restaurant for dinner.
He said,
"We become what we eat. What do you want?"
She answered,
"Something rich."

Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the
church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one
consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the
church paper. "Gladly," responded the good man.
When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned
at once to the "appreciation" column.
There he read:
"The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit
and for the spirit in which it was given."

Some times it's difficult for disabled people to find jobs, so I was
happy to hear from Terry, a double amputee who used a manual
wheelchair, that he had a job.
Terry said he worked in a strip club, taking back the clothes after
the women had left the stage.
I asked him what the money was like.
"Twenty bucks a week," he told me.
"Oh, that's not much" was my comment.
"Well," he replied, "that's all I could afford

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

As a schoolteacher expecting my first child, I had attended
natural-childbirth classes.
One of my classmates was in the hospital in labour at the same time I
was. She quickly requested drugs to ease her pain, while I gave birth
aided only by my husband's coaching.
When the nurses rolled me out of the delivery room, I spotted a
chalkboard. Beside my classmate's name was an A-; next to mine was a
B+.
"Alan, look at that!" I complained to my husband. "She took all the
drugs they'd give her and made an A-. I did it naturally and only got
a B+."
My patient husband rolled his eyes.
"Kathy," he said, "that's your blood type."

There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of exactly when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it
graduates from medical school.

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First Condom...an oldie but worth a repeat.

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Levin's pharmacy.

There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she
could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

 So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.

She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

 I apparently still looked confused.

So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty.

It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it...

 Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse
and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
'Do these excite you?' She asked.

 Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties
and lay down on a desk. '

Well, come on', she said,  'We  don't have much  time...'

So, I climbed on her.

It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back
and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. '

Did you put that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the shit out of me...

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XX - Adult Puns!

Did you hear about the British sex pervert who broke into a gift shop
and performed lewd acts with the porcelain figures?
They charged him with statue Tory rape.
Apparently, he is a Hummel sexual.

This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer.
He happened to look down the bar and see a man sitting there with a
head the size of a cue ball!
So, he walked down and said to the man,
"Excuse me sir, I don't mean to be rude but I noticed you have a small
head. Is this a birth defect?"
The man said,
"No, I got this in the war. My ship was torpedoed by the German's in
WWII. I was the only survivor on the ship so I swam to shore. One day
a mermaid swam up to me and said she would grant me three wishes. For
my first wish I wanted to return to the U.S. The mermaid granted that
wish. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Wish
granted. My third wish was to have sex with the mermaid.
She said,
'I can't grant that wish because mermaids can't have sex.'"
So I said,
"How about a little head?"

The effect of taking Viagra, Prozac, and castor oil at the same time
is you don't care if you're coming or going.

A woman brought a picture into a frame shop to be framed.
"I have just the thing," the shopkeeper said.
He disappeared into the back room and returned with several frames.
"Which one would you like?" he asked.
"The burgundy one," the woman answered.
Thinking about how it would be fastened to a wall, the shopkeeper
turned the frame over, studied the back and said to the woman,
"Do you want a screw for this frame?"
The woman gasped and bellowed,
"What kind of girl do you think I am?"

One determined young woman finally got so fed up with her shy
boyfriend's fumbling advances she decided to put him in her place.

If marriages are made in heaven, where are the brides maid?

The best thing about dating homeless girls is you can drop them off anywhere

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and
with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new
Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to
her, he replied, "Can't, it's Lent."
In tears, she remarked,
"Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did
you lend it to, and for how long?"

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XX - Adult Puns!

"My friend works in the ER.
A woman came in with a cell phone shoved up her rectum!
She claimed she and her husband were playing some 'adult games'."
"Well, it had to be either that, or she doesn't understand the meaning
of phone sex."

Willie comes home from work, as he walks in the door Ethel grabs him and says,
"Come on Willie, we're going upstairs!"
Willie replies,
"OK - That's one of my favourite things!"
As soon as they get upstairs Ethel grabs Willie and throws him down on
the bed and jumps aboard.
Willie protests,
"Stop, Stop, We can't do it that way anymore!"
Ethel asks,
"What do you mean Willie, I like it that way and so do you."
Willie replies,
"You're sure right on that, in fact that is one of my favourite
things. But if we do it that way any more I'll loose my job."
Ethel asks,
"What do you mean Willie - that doesn't make good sense!"
Willie explains,
"The boss called me in the office today and told me 'Willie - You
screw up one more time - and you're fired!'"

If you don't enjoy masturbation,
You only have yourself to blame!

There were these three guys.
They all worked together at a factory.
Everyday they notice that their boss leaves work a little early.
So, one day they meet together and say that today when the boss
leaves, they'll all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they.
The first guy goes home and goes to rest so he can get an early start.
The second guy goes home and cooks dinner.
The third guy goes home and walks to his bedroom.
He opens the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss,
So, he quietly closes the door and leaves.
The next day the first and second guys are talking and plan to go home
early again.
They ask the third guy if he wants to leave early again and he says,
"No."
They ask him why not and he said,
"Because yesterday I almost got caught!"

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country
Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old
blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful
sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently
to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask,
'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies,
'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.
'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says,
'No, I told her I was 90.

A gay in the navy is known as a 'rear admiral'.

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An Australian Poem - Goodbye Granddad

 It has something for everyone - If you know the bush, it will appeal to you,
  if you work in the oil industry, there is something in it for you too,
 if you have a sense of humour - well,
 it might test it a little and if you are not an Australian,
 then it won't help your knowledge of Australian life one
bit.......................

   Goodbye Grand-dad

Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,

 He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,

We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,

A startled look upon his face, his trousers 'round his feet,

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,

The Constable had to have his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.

There were theories at the inquest; of snakebite without trace,

 Of redbacks quietly creeping, and death from outer space.

No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,

When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about.

'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath

'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'

'This oil exploration mob had been looking at our soil,

And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,

So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,

 They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.

 Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,

And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,

So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,

I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,

But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,

Now I reckon what has happened - poor old Granddad didn't know,

The dunny was re-located, when that night he had to go.

But you're probably still wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--

Well, he always used to hold his breath

Until he heard the splash!!

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Cool Grandpa

This one is dedicated to all dedicated (and otherwise) grandfathers !

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly
behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child
screaming  for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit
aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long  . . . easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.  Hang in
there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the
trolley,  and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William,
William, relax  buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes;
stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is
loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you
were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time,
you  kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he
got, you  just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is
very lucky to  have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . this
little bastard's name is Kevin."

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What's true and what's not...

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without knee-caps. They don't appear until they are
2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 years old will have spent almost 5 years
waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to
search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without
turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a
Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk,a mixture of white
paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same
airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle, built in 1903, used a tomato
can for a carburetor..

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from
women who give birth.  They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If colouring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

They are all true...

Now go back and think about No. 16.

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XX - A few QUICKIES

In life, never look down on anybody, unless you are getting a lovely
view of the cleavage!

Whenever you see a woman and an opportunity, don't screw the opportunity!

Man Teases his ex-wife's new husband: So, dude how was the second-hand Stuff?
New husband: Not bad. After the first 3 inches, she was brand new.

The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls. The Lord Almighty
sentenced them to : Hang Till Death !

Girl: excuse me brother, that's my seat.
Boy: OK! But I'm not your brother, my father never slept with your mom.
Girl: True, but my father did!

A football team loses their star player, Roger Dicks, due to an injury.
Next day a headline reads: Team to play without Dicks.
The manager calls up the newspaper and objects, so the editor changes
the Headline. It read: Team to play with Dicks out.

What is the definition of a Lesbian?
Yet another damn woman trying to do a man's job!!!

On a NUDIST's beach a man shakes hand with a lady & says: Pleased to meet you!
Lady: Yeah, I can SEE that.

Mr CHU from China & Mr TIYA from Korea came to India & setup a Firm...
Till now, they have no Business & are still wondering why their firm:
CHUTIYA & CO. Failed?

Note: popular in Hindi slang for "ass hole" - sorry ladies.

When God made me, He asked, "Great Memory or Giant Penis?".
I cant Remember what I said.

What advice does the doctor give to sick prostitutes?
Stay out of BED for two days.

I told my wife I want to die in bed.
She said, "You did last night - three times!"

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees
a guy leaping out of the window..
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you the first time?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.

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A poem written by a scholar Roman Catholic Priest

Footprints In The Sands

Politics in Lanka is a dirty game
Sans sense of honesty, honour or shame.
On election-campaigns that squander millions,
When in power, make illicit billions.

Full of corruption, nepotism, crime,
They leave no footprints in the sands of time,
Self-seeking, self-serving, power-drunk quacks,
Cover up their crab-like, crooked tracks.

Parliament's pack of jokers, jerks,
Abuse their power for self and perks,
Goons and buffoons, men of straw,
Brazenly bend and break the law.

They promise us the sun and the moon.
Pledges broken or forgotten soon,
Barefaced, through their teeth they lie,
On hollow words can we rely?

They flagrantly flout every rule in the book,
To come into power by hook or by crook,
From one party to another they jump,
Kiss President's feet and lick his rump.

In sumptuous luxury they wine and dine,
Make ample hay while sun doth shine.
Of life's best things they have their fill,
The taxpayers have to foot the bill.

They trot the globe and have a ball,
In five-star hotel, shopping mall,
Lavishly splurge like duke or count,
On bankrupt Lanka's state account.

Their life is sweet, a bed of roses,
Gobbling Lanka's scarce resources,
Our so-called rulers, leading lights,
Are a bunch of social parasites.

Their hands are soiled, palms well greased,
Our people, rich and poor are fleeced,
Most of them to the core are rotten,
They flaunt and flash their wealth ill-gotten.

How could these robbers ever dare
Their numerous assets to declare?
An auditor's test they will not pass,
Many would end up behind bars.

Crime and corruption they cannot battle,
In their own cupboards many skeletons rattle.
A sincere statesman I fail to see
Among Sri Lanka's powers-that-be.

Idolized heroes of yesterday,
Made traitors, villains of today..
Free-media muzzled, my country's bane.
Journalists, editors attacked and slain.

Many politicians are vermin, pests,
Who earn fast-bucks and feather their nests,
They leave no footprints in the sands of time,
But craftily cover up their tracks of crime.

Fr Derrick Mendis SJ
Colombo 4.

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XX - Adult Puns!

Little Susie was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared,
"A baby brother."
"Sweetheart, Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said
her mom, "But there just isn't time before your birthday."
Susie thought for a moment and replied,
"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want
something in a hurry? Put more men on the job."

Wife asks husband,
"How many women have you slept with?"
Husband proudly replies,
"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."

"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other.
"I'm filing for an divorce."
"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner.
"May I ask why?"
"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first.
"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see
leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."
"It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago!"

Vatican Press Release:
All Women should informed that lying in bed, naked, entangled with
somebody and screaming:
'Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!" is not considered praying.

Two boys were skinny dippin and the one couldn't help noticing the
size of the other's manhood,
So, he asked,
"How did ya get it that big?"
The other boy responded,
"Well I rub it down every night with lard."
Two weeks later they were back at the swimming hole.
Once again, there was a comparison made with no results.
The first boy said,
"I did what ya told me. Every night I have rubbed it down with Crisco."
The other boy exclaimed,
"Well, no wonder, that's shortening."

We tend to blame everything on the priests, but the members of the
congregation can be guilty, too.
A young woman chased a handsome young priest all over the church.
She finally caught him by the organ.

A shy, drunken, innocent young man walked up to a beautiful young
woman in a pub and said,
"Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"
"Yes I do," replied the beautiful young woman,
"But go ahead, as I'm sure you're going to ask me anyway."
"OK," said the shy, drunken, innocent young man,
"How many men have you slept with?"
"That's my business!" snapped the woman.
"Oh, cool!" said the young man. "I didn't realize you made a living at it!"

Little Wendy is in line to see Santa.
When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.
Santa asks,
"What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
Little Wendy replies,
"I want a Barbie and G. I.Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says,
"I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said Wendy, "She comes with G. I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken!"

A rich man and a poor man are having lunch together one day, and both
have anniversaries coming up.
Poor man asks rich man,
"What'd you get your wife for your anniversary?"
"A diamond ring and a Mercedes," the rich man replies.
"Why both?" asks the poor man.
The rich man says,
"Well, that way if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive in the
Mercedes to return it, and she'll still be happy. So, what'd you get
your wife?"
The poor man answers,
"A pair of slippers and a vibrator."
"Why both?" the rich man asks.
The poor man replies,
"Well, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go Fxxk herself."

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For Grandparents.....and others

 RETARDED  GRANDPARENTS

       (this  was actually reported by a teacher)

After  Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they
spent their  holiday away from school.

One child wrote the  following:

We  always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and  Grandpa.

They  used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they  moved
to Bateau Bay where  everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they
don't have to
mow the grass anymore!

They  ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags
because they don't know who they are anymore.

They  go to a building called a wreck centre, but they must have got  it fixed
because it is all okay now. They do exercises  there,
but they don't do them very well.

There  is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it
with  hats on.
At  their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in  it.
He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes  they sneak out,
and go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody  there cooks, they just eat out.
And,  they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some  of the people can't get out past the man in the doll  house.
The  ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot  luck.

My  Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment
and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday  too.

When  I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll  house.
Then  I will let people out, so they can visit their  grandchildren.

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XX - Adult Puns!

When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life,
The British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour.
At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle: -
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence
on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet
retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward
to in these retirement years?" -
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table.
Everyone heard her answer... And no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said: -
Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, "appiness"!

To take their minds off children,
The Pope has said it's now OK for the priests to flirt with the nuns.
Just don't get into the habit!

I'm living with a girl but we're not married.
Its kinda like leasing with an option to buy.

The very first sex education classes were in the 50's.
Naturally, some of the teachers were embarrassed and used only very
carefully chosen words.
In one class, the teacher was explaining the anatomy of the male genitalia.
He said,
"The human male testicles are about the size of Plover's eggs."
A female voice from the back quipped,
"Hey... Neat!!! I've always wondered how big Plover's eggs were."

"Muffin, I feel like making love tonight."
"Okay, I will let you, but be gentle this time."
"But I am always gentle with you, Dearest."
"That's not true. The last time, you woke me up twice!"

"Good morning, ma'am, I've come to ask for collections, for the
Salvation Army," said the man in the bright red Santa suit to the
woman who opened the door wearing nothing but panties and a
see-through negligee.
"How do I know that?" the young woman replied.
"How do I know you're really with the Salvation Army? How do I know
you aren't some sex fiend who has come to take advantage of a poor,
defenseless female who's all alone in her house... And will be until
5:30pm this evening?"

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Always Ask, Never Assume...

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell
phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot,

'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the
fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to
get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,

'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

Life is short...

Someone said: When you ASSUME = you make an ASS out of U and ME...

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Letter To Jessie James - Sandra Bullock's husband

You Stupid Bastard!  You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid?  You are married to one of the
most beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now
named " America 's Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down
in front of the world , while you were fooling around with other
women.

You are really a piece of work!  You are the most hated cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself!

You are despicable and I only have one thing to say to you:

Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let's do lunch.

 ~Tiger

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XX - Adult Puns!

Gas prices are affecting my sex life.
With prices at over $3 a gallon, I only date women in a 5-gallon radius.

Woman calls 911:
"I just had a baby and the doctor told me to do those Kegel exercises
- you know to tighten up things down there [giggle].
"Yes, ma'am, I understand.
Are you in pain?"
"No, no, no. It's not that. It's just that every time I do those
exercises I have an orgasm." "I'm sorry, did you say orgasm?"
"Yes. Am I doing them right?"
"Sounds like it to me."

Did you hear about the restaurant that promotes safe sex?
They write the bill on a condom so you can wine and dine your date,
and then stick her with the bill.

Hard to believe, but many of our customers at the bank still don't
know how to swipe their card through the ATM card reader.
Because of this, my fellow tellers and I often find ourselves having
to explain how it's done.
One teller complained that she kept getting odd looks every time she
explained it.
I found out why when I overheard her tell one man,
"Strip down facing me."

Man was sobbing in a bar.
His friend asked,
'Why?'
He said:
"My wife makes me pay $100 - for sex!"
Friend said:
"You're lucky, she charges others $250!"

"Muffin, I feel like making love tonight."
"Okay, I will let you, but be gentle this time."
"But I am always gentle with you, Dearest."
"That's not true. The last time, you woke me up twice!"

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THIS WILL MAKE YOU SMILE

A guy is walking down the street and sees Little Johnny smoking a
cigarette.  He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke."  Johnny looks
up but doesn't say anything.  The man asks, "Son, how old are you?"

 Little Johnny says, "Four."

 Stunned, the man says, "Four!?  When did you start smoking?"

Johnny replies, "Right after the first time I had sex."

 "Right after the first time you had sex?  When was that?"

Little Johnny answered, "I don't remember.  I was drunk."

 

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Saudi Prince goes to Germany to study.

 A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is
wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but I'm a bit
ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers
travel by train."

Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten ...million
dollar cheque saying:

"Stop embarrassing us! go and get yourself a train too!"

Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com

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Let's Offend Everybody!

Q.  What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A.   Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q.  Where does an Irish family go on vacation.
A.   A different bar.

Q.  What did the Chinese couple name their blond, curly-haired baby?
A.   Sum Ting Wong.  (read out loud!)

Q.  What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A.    A speech impediment.

Q.  Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?
A.    Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q.  Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A.   Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Education class uses it.

Q.  What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A.    The northern zoo has a description of the animal.
The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Q.  How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A.    Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
(HOW TRUE)

Q.  What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale???
A.     A northern fairytale begins, .....'Once upon a time...'
       A southern fairytale begins,.... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.

Q.  Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in
the United States.

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