Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com

Friday, May 30, 2008

TICKLE ME ELMO -

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me
Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for
her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the
new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing
up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2
men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is
so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory
floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle
Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small
marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,
wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little
package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena ..

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but
I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Two ole ladies

Shopkeepers

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in
their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't quite ready, with
only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is
going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're
selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick
Irish accent asked "What might ye be sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, "You are doing well
... only two left!"

Harvard University test

This was developed as an age test by the R&D Department at Harvard
University . Take your time and see if you can read each line out loud
without a mistake. The average person can't do it! This is really
difficult, not so easy, so be careful.

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is a cat
7. This is fool cat
8. This is busy cat
9. This is for cat
10. This is forty cat
11. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down,
and I bet you can't resist passing it on.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

I miss thee

A man's in bed with his Thai girlfriend.
After having great sex she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had
lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her,
'Why do you love doing that?'

She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Why we love children

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she
sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty
dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
Microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
Teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
Was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... And so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
With the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
Too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'
Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!

Monday, May 26, 2008

12 of the finest double-entendres that have been aired on British TV & Radi

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's
that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to
leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so
hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North
said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
like this.'

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky
Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he
gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come
in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

Imponderables of life

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over
fifty for Miss America ?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed
up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN , AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can
in prison?

Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments
cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English,
thank a soldier'

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets
to the end, the faster it goes.

Possibly the best come-back ever!

A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a

party.

Later, after knocking back a few drinks, he goes

over to the new guy and asks him:

'So... How do you like using second hand stuff?' The

new husband replies: 'It isn't that bad.

Past the first 3 inches it's all brand new.'

Only the Irish

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door. 'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin'
to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery...'
' Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.'
Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'
It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned.' 'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did
he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Sweet Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place,

and as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom,

with hundreds and hundreds of cute,

cuddly teddy bears carefully placed

in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them

and she was immediately touched

by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,

medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,

and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf

She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy

to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.

but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,

after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,

and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom

where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,

more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek,

looks deeply into her eyes,

and says:

'Help yourself to any prize

from the middle shelf.'

XX - Buy or rent?

I did the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce. After 5
years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he banged her
every night during their 5 year relationship, it ends up costing him
$26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court costs.

On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges $4,000
an hour. Crazy, right?

But...

Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3
million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of $41+
million).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no
coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs
around you, no bitching and complaining or "to do" lists. Best of all,
she leaves when you're done and comes back the next day ready for
another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.

Is it just me, or is it better to rent?

Nursery rhymes we never had!!

Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

*****************

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

********************
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings' horses,

And all the kings' men.

Had scrambled eggs,

For breakfast again.

********************

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay

Lessons in logic

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

....................................................................

I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.

....................................................................

Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?

....................................................................

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

....................................................................

Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

....................................................................

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

....................................................................

Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

....................................................................

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

....................................................................

Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

....................................................................

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.

....................................................................

The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

....................................................................

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

....................................................................

Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

....................................................................

"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep

....................................................................

There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning

....................................................................

"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk

....................................................................

"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours

....................................................................

God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

....................................................................

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.

....................................................................

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........
Thats where I stop working and send E-mails

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Whale Job

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast

of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. He said to the

female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out

of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the

ship to turn over and sink.

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and

quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors

had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of

shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away

and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up

before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant

to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow

job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Insults

There was a time when words were used beautifully. These glorious
insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued,
before a great portion of the English language was boiled down to
four-letter words!

The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: She said, "If you were
my husband, I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife,
I'd take it."

Gladstone, a member of Parliament, to Benjamin Disraeli: "Sir, you
will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "On whether I embrace your
policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -
Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." -Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big
words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it." - Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I
know." - Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston
Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is
one!" - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -
Stephen Bishop

He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of
human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support,
rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

THE LOVE DRESS!

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to
see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.

'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic
and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put
on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there
so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

BRILLIANT!!!

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and
the husband keeps staring

at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend before I met you. I
understand she took to

drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since."

"Good heavens!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

Old couple fishing

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly
lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to
fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing
together the next day!The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their
adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in
the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or
down?'All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and
made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they
finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had
just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.They fished for a
while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon
another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, 'Up or down
?'There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild
passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly
gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said
yes...There they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came
upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down
?' The woman replied, 'Down.'A little puzzled and disappointed, the
gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another
fork in the river and he asked thelady, 'up or down?' She replied,
'Up.'This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the
deal?Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down
you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'She replied,
'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the
choices were f#@k or drown.

Oh dearie me.

An oldie - but also a reminder to men to know who they are dealing wih !!!!

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new
Husband and asked for $20.00 for their first Lovemaking encounter. In
His highly aroused state, her husband readily Agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more
Than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to
Afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed..

Arriving home around noonone day, she was
Surprised to find
Her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer
Was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had
Been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and
Therefore, they
Were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than thirty
Years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million Then she
Showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that
For the more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied
And these were the
Results of her savings and investments

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3
Million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but
Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If
I'd had any idea what you
Were doing, I would have given you all my
Business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com

Friday, May 30, 2008

TICKLE ME ELMO -

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Two ole ladies

Shopkeepers

Harvard University test

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

I miss thee

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Why we love children

Monday, May 26, 2008

12 of the finest double-entendres that have been aired on British TV & Radi

Imponderables of life

Possibly the best come-back ever!

Only the Irish

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Sweet Sensitive Man

XX - Buy or rent?

Nursery rhymes we never had!!

Lessons in logic

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Whale Job

Insults

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

THE LOVE DRESS!

BRILLIANT!!!

Old couple fishing

Oh dearie me.

Guess what

XX - IF YOU ARE A PRUDE

Thank you - You are visitor Number

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