Even if you don't own a dog at present, you'll appreciate the
efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Read the sales pitch!!!
* Free to good home.
* Excellent guard dog.
* Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.
* Most of them knew him as 'Holy Shit.' 
Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted
to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ." And they say blondes are dumb...
-------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
--------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he steps out
of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if
I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
--------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.
--------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy came to them
and said that because they had been so good, each one of them could
have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the World with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.
Whoosh! Immediately he turned 90.
Gotta love that fairy!
--------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for wisdom to understand my man, love to forgive him, and
patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll
beat him to death. AMEN
-----------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
--------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
--------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long Enough.
--------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
--------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
--------------------------------------------
I HAVE READ THIS BEFORE BUT IT NEVER CEASES TO BE A REMINDER TO ME
AND BRINGS A TEAR TO MY EYE. READ IT AT YOUR LEISURE, EVEN THOUGH YOU
KNOW THE ENDING, BECAUSE WE ALWAYS NEED A REMINDER TO SLOW DOWN AND
REMEMBER THAT WEALTH IS NOT MEASURED IN DOLLARS AND CENTS.
I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes.
I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean,
hungrily apprizing a basket of freshly picked green peas.
I paid for my potatoes, but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas.
I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the
peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller
(the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.
'Hello Barry, how are you today?'
'H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure
look good.'
'They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?'
'Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time.'
'Good. Anything I can help you with?'
'No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas.'
'Would you like take some home?' asked Mr. Miller.
'No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with.'
'Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?'
'All I got's my prize marble here.'
'Is that right? Let me see it' said Miller.
'Here 'tis. She's a dandy.'
'I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of
go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?' the store owner
asked.
'Not zackley but almost.'
'Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip
this way let me look at that red marble', Mr. Miller told the boy.
'Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller.'
Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me.
With a smile said, 'There are two other boys like him in our
community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves
to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever.
When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he
decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a
bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on
their next trip to the store.'
I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man.
A short time later I moved to Colorado , but I never forgot the story
of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.
Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one.
Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho
community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died.
They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends
wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them.
Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relat ives
of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.
Ahead of us in line were three young men.
One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark
suits and white shirts...all very professional looking.
They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her
husband's casket.
Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke
briefly with her and moved on to the casket.
Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man
stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand
in the casket.
Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.
Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded
her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me
about her husband's bartering for marbles.
With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.
'Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about.
They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim 'traded' them.
Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or
size....they came to pay their debt.'
'We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world,' she
confided, 'but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man
in Idaho '.
With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased
husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.
The Moral : We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind
deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the
moments that take our breath.
Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles ~ A fresh pot of coffee
you didn't make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work.
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing-along song on the radio.
Your keys found right where you left them.
Send this to the people you'll never forget.
An oldie but worth republishing -
Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm
and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934
Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a
magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of
cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous
earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart
shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious!
Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs
over their nose, but the two dignitaries of state do their best to
ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Bush saying, 'Mr. President, please
accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that
even a Queen cannot control.'
Bush, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replies, 'Your Majesty, please
do not give the matter another thought. In fact, until you mentioned
it, I thought it was one of the horses.'
Mothers will truly appreciate this one....
Cup of Tea
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was
one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my
Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
My Mom waited and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of
tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says...(as only a mother would know... :)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get
water is the toilet?'
Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...
Why Sentence Structure is So Important
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they
were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would
fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss
approached her and said:
"Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit..."
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a
long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western
Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to
leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an
interview.
"Pardon me, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Fishbien," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims." "I
pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop." "I pray for all our
children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their
fellow man." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."
Students at a local high school were assigned to read 2 books,
'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic:.... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99
Titanic:.... Over 7 hours to read
Clinton :.... Over 7 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :..... Let's not go there.
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:.... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
A blind man wanders into an all girl biker bar by mistake. He finds
his way to the bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for
awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think
it is only fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five
things:
1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blond girl.
3. I'm a 6 ft tall, 175 lb blond woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No .
. . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!'
A whole lot of truth in it
As you have all undoubtedly heard by now, the Bush Administration has
said that each and every one of us will now get a nice little rebate
check to spur on the economy. However…
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .
If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs.
If we purchase a computer it will all go to India .
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico ,
Honduras , and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan .
If we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan
…and none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America .
And the only true way to keep that money here at home is to buy
prostitutes and beer, since those are the only businesses still
thriving in the US .
The other night I was invited out for a night with 'the boys'. I told
my wife that I would be home by midnight...PROMISE!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At
around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when
smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her
12 o'clock.
She didn't seem disturbed at all. WHEW! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why she said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then farted".
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving
gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and
said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers."
"That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her
gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is.
A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held
the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage
with her finger and put it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is
it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy !"
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.
He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks
he or she is stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you're a moron?" the
professor asked.
The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there
all by yourself."
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Janaka <jdiasabey@yahoo.com>
Date: Sun, Mar 23, 2008 at 2:36 PM
Subject: Here are 12 of the finest
To: Janaka Abeyagunawardena <janaka.abey@gmail.com>
Here are 12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired
on British TV and radio (1) Pat Glenn,
weightlifting commentator
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw
her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
(2) New Zealand Rugby Commentator
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
(3) Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator :
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
(4) Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is
kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
(5) US PGA Commentator -
"One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold> > Palmer] is playing so
well is that,
before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them ..... Oh my god!! what have I just said??"
(6) Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time
Team Live' said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
(7) A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last
night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did
too, because they were laughing so hard!
(8) Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."
(9) Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on
a cold night like this."
(10) Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every
chance he gets."
(11) Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a
male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and
he's only come in his shorts."
(12) Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie
Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he
prefers to do it by himself."
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel
room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was,
"Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk,"
she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby
and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter
and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked,
"Would you like me to put that on your bill?
"No!" Donald quacked,
"What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"
