Sex Survey
New Sex Study...
It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married
couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Saturday, November 03, 2007
TECHNOLOGY OR SIXTH SENSE??
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked
their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never
been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he
couldn't tell what the heck the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe
that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members
of the village should collect wood so they would be prepared for it.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service
and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,"
the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect
even more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is
it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's
going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to
collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very
cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be
one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood
like crazy."
Friday, November 02, 2007
Vote for me
A Japanese doctor says,
"Medicine in my country is so advanced that
we can take a
kidney out of one man, put it in another,
and have him out looking for work in six
weeks."
A German doctor says,
"That is nothing. We can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another,
and have him out looking for work in four
weeks."
A British doctor says,
"In my country medicine is so advanced we
can take
half a heart out of one person, put it in
another,
and have both of them out
looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone,
interjected,
"You guys are way behind. We are about to
take a woman with no brains,
send her to Washington where she will become
President, and then half
the country will be out looking for work in
one week."
Things People Have Actually Said:
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have
was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse
with those people"
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they
take them off."
-- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged
the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep."
-- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live.
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We
are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results."
-- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge.
"It's like deja vu all over again."
-- Yogi Berra.
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese"
-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle.
"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco
Earthquake.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas.
"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have
to beat somebody."
-- Richard M. Nixon.
"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment.
This is a good planet."
-- Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a
million dollars.
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots
and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple:
Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to
blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social
issues behind the Los Angeles Riots.
"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before."
-- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower.
"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money."
-- Everett Dirksen.
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
-- Samuel Goldwyn.
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
--Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from
them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the
Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark.
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
Impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle.
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
-- General William Westmoreland.
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being
very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for
the United Negro College.
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be
cut right out from under your feet."
-- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin .
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle.
"I stand by all the mis-statements that I've made."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle.
"Don't ask what the country can do for you but ask what you can do for
the country"
President J F Kennedy.
The answer to the above.
"Ask me how to ruin the country and I will laugh all the way to the
bank with my brothers."
President Rajafuckse
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Too Good for Grade 1
A first grade teacher, Mrs Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I am too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the
third grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in third
grade too."
Mrs Brooks had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While
Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal
what the situation was. The principal told Mrs Brooks he would give the boy
a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to
the first grade and behave. She agreed Johnny was brought in and the
conditions
explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?"
Johnny: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade
should know. The principal
looks at Mrs Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."
Mrs Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him, some questions?"
The principal and Johnny both agree.
Mrs Brooks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only 2 of?
Johnny, after a moment "Legs."
Mrs Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Johnny: "Pockets."
Mrs Brooks: "What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and
delicious and contains a whitish liquid?"
Johnny: "Coconut."
Mrs Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Johnny takes charge.....
Johnny: "Bubblegum."
Mrs Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and
a dog does on 3 legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.....
Johnny: "Shake hands."
Mrs Brooks: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' questions, okay?"
Mrs Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do."
Johnny: "Tent."
Mrs Brooks: "A finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first."
The principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Johnny: "Wedding Ring."
Mrs Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?"
Johnny; "Arrow."
Mrs Brooks: "What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat
and excitement?"
Johnny: "Fire truck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send
Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
#2 pencils & the Nun
The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too
cute)!...You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the
universe?'
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and
jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again,
Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again
said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...
'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that
thing in me one more time, I'll break it=in half!'
The nun fainted........
Easy Exercise!
Strenuous Activities That Are Guaranteed Not To Be Aerobic.
Physical exercise is good for you.
I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't want me to do
too much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities
that do not require physical exercise.
You are invited to try my program.
Here are the things I have become good at:
Beating around the bush
Jumping to conclusions
Climbing the walls
Swallowing my pride
Passing the buck
Throwing my weight around
Dragging my heels
Pushing my luck
Making mountains out of molehills
Hitting the nail on the head
Wading through paperwork
Bending over backwards
Jumping on the bandwagon
Balancing the books
Running around in circles
Eating crow
Tooting my own horn
Climbing the ladder of success
Pulling out the stops
Adding fuel to the fire
Opening a can of worms
Putting my foot in my mouth
Starting the ball rolling
Going over the edge
Picking up the pieces
Enjoy The Exercise!
--------------
Weird Fact of the Day:
A woman has approximately 4.5 litres of blood in her body, while men
have 5.6 litres.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
YOU ARE OLD WHEN.................
"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make
love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator
shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker
opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going bra less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long
as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead
of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting a little action" means you don't need to
take any fibre today
"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are not sure these are jokes .
Your IQ.........
Questions:
1. Based on the recent celebration of the 4th of July, what is the
current age of the United States?
2. Which Founding Father was the first to sign the original
Declaration of Independence?
3. The first signer of the Declaration of Independence, noted in the
preceding question, was also the first Governor of his home state.
What was the newly established state he led as governor?
4. Who authored the Declaration of Independence?
5. The Declaration's author, like the signer in the previous question,
also was governor of his newly established state. Name that state.
6. What was the group termed as the WAC in World War II?
7. Name the instrument used to measure air pressure.
8. What does the phrase "veni, vidi, vici" mean?
9. What Hall of Fame baseball star was nicknamed "The Georgia Peach"?
10. What is a Joey in Australia?
Answers:
1. The United States just celebrated its 231st birthday.
2. John Hancock, the president of the Continental Congress, was the
first member of that legislative body to place his name on the
Declaration of Independence on July 4th of 1776.
3. Hancock was the first governor of Massachusetts (1780-93).
4. Although some changes were made, Thomas Jefferson is credited as
the author of that immortal document.
5. Jefferson was Virginia's governor from 1779 to 1781.
6. The WAC was the Women's Army Corps, in which women served but not
in combat situations.
7. It's the barometer.
8. "Veni, vidi, vici" is a Latin phrase meaning "I came, I saw, I conquered."
9. "The Georgia Peach" was Ty Cobb of the Detroit Tigers and
Philadelphia Athletics.
10. A Joey is a young kangaroo.
Conflicting Proverbs
Actions speak louder than words./The pen is mightier than the sword.
Look before you leap./ He who hesitates is lost.
Many hands make light work. (or) Two heads are better than one. / Too
many cooks spoil
The broth.
A silent man is a wise one. / A man without words is a man without thoughts.
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. / Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Clothes make the man. / Don't judge a book by its cover. (or) All that
glitters is not gold.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained. / Better safe than sorry.
The bigger, the better. / The best things come in small packages.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. / Out of sight, out of mind.
What will be, will be. / Life is what you make it.
Cross your bridges when you come to them. / Forewarned is forearmed.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander. / One man's meat is
another man's poison.
With age comes wisdom. / Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings come
all wise sayings.
The more, the merrier./ Two's company; three's a crowd.
The best things in life are free. / You get what you pay for.
It never rains, than it pours. / Lightning never strikes twice in the
same place.
Better to ask the way than to go astray. / Ask no questions and hear no lies.
Never do evil, that good may come of it. / The end justifies the means.
Variety is the spice of life. / Don't change horses in the middle of a stream.
There is nothing permanent except change. / There is nothing new under the sun.
Never too old to learn. / You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
Everything comes to him who waits. / He who hesitates is lost.
Opposites attract. / Birds of a feather flock together.
Recipe
Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a
stuffing - imagine that! When I found this recipe, I thought it was
perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when
poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.
Give this a try...
Size 18. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup of uncooked popcorn
Salt & pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 220c.
Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity
with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with
the neck end towards the back of the oven. Listen to the popping
sounds. When the chicken's arse blows the oven door open and the
chicken flies across the room, it is done.
And you thought I couldn't cook!!!
Surgeons
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best
patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see Accountants on
my operating table; because when you open them up, everything inside
is numbered." The second surgeon, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but
you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think Librarians
are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles , chimes in, "You know, I like
construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over." But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC , shut
them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the
easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains,
and no spine; and the head and the ass are interchangeable."
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
A conversation with Jesus
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting
in my back yard and having a glass of tea along with a quiet
conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me, again, after a particularly difficult day.
I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?" And I heard the reply, "Men
find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family.
You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends
and family to gather."
I said, "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was, "No, the love of money is the root of all
evil. Money is merely a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning
question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "What is the meaning of
life? Why am I here?"
He replied, "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your
heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you
some more, Senor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."
Monday, October 29, 2007
Avian Amusements.
Q: What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon?
A: A bird who knocks before delivering its message!
Q: What do you call a very rude bird?
A: A mockingbird!
Q: Where do birds meet for coffee?
A: In a nest-cafe!
Q: How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?
A: With it's sparrow-chute!
Q: What's the craziest bird?
A: The Cuckoo.
Q: What is green and pecks on trees?
A: Woody Wood Pickle!
Q: What's the adult film industry's most common bird?
A: The Swallow.
Q: What happened when the owl lost his voice?
A: He didn't give a hoot!
Q: Which bird is a member of the Hair Club for Men?
A: The Bald Eagle.
Q: What do you call a Scottish parrot?
A: A Macaw!
Q: What do you call a bird that lives underground?
A: A mynah bird!
Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A: A great walkie-talkie!
Loving poems written by husband to wife
I wrote your name on sand it got washed. I wrote your name in air, it
was blown away. then I wrote your name on my heart & i got Heart
Attack.
God saw me hungry, he created pizza .. He saw me thirsty, he created
pepsi .. He saw me in dark, he created light .. He saw me without
problems, he created YOU.
Great Words from Great People on Marriage-some oldies
Every man should get married some time;
After all,happiness is not the only thing in life !!
--Anonymous
Bachelors should be heavily taxed.
It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde
Don't marry for money;
You can borrow it cheaper.
--Scottish Proverb
I don't worry about terrorism.
I was married for two years.
--Sam Kinison
Men have a better time than women;
For one thing, they marry later;
For another thing, they die earlier.
-H. L. Mencken
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
You can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife.
My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
--Anonymous
She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then, the mud fell off.
--Anonymous
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling,
"Am I too late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled,
"No, jump in."
--Anonymous
Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses to get to married.
He says,
"the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs....."
--Anonymous
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the
front door,
Who do you let in first?
The dog of course... At least he'll shut up after you let him in!
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and
started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another
man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
'Why did you have to die?
Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said,
"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom
do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."
A couple came upon a wishing well.
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin .
The wife decided to make a wish, too.
But ,she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then, smiled
" It really works! "
Why the Men are a Happier Lot!
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care
of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You
can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You canwear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the
truth.. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another
gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have
to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work,
more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux
rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to
them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New
shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
!
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open
all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still
be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are
more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You
are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face
stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe
decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big
hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can
wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a
pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy
reading it.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
FALL CLASSES FOR MEN
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, October 22, 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Classes begin Monday, October 30, 2007
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM ..
Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM .
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday noon , 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at 7 :00 PM ..
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries
and Other Important Dates
and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy
Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued
to the survivors.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
