Irish Alzheimer's

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down
when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I
am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I
misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn
had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn come to church every
Sunday I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and
figured he would leave it in the back of church. so, I was going to leave
after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal
McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10
Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat
than Burn in Hell, right ?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

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Gotta Love These Italians

Italian Ingenuity:

An old Italian man lived alone in the country.
He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the
ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old
man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were
here my troubles would be over.
I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried
the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.
Love Vinnie

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Hands on Management!

Does Management know their Staff?

On walking into the factory, the Managing Director noticed a young guy
leaning against the wall, doing nothing.

He approached the young man and asked, How much do you earn?"
The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question,
he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2 000.00 a month, Sir.
The MD took out his wallet removed $ 6000.00 cash And gave it to the
young man saying,
"Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking
pretty! Here is 3 months 'salary, now GET OUT and don't come back". The
young man turned and was gone in a flash..

Noticing a Few onlookers, the MD shouted "And that applies for
everybody in this company".

He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young
man I just fired?" To which an amazing reply came

"He was the pizza delivery man, Sir...!!!"

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Judging people by appearance!

A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun
threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly
without an appointment into the Harvard University President's outer
office.

The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country
hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to
be in Cambridge.

"We'd like to see the president," the man said softly.

"He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped.

"We'll wait," the lady replied.

For hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would
finally become discouraged and go away.

They didn't, and the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to
disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always
regretted.

"Maybe if you see them for a few minutes, they'll leave," she said to him!

He sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance
obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, and he detested
gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office.

The president, stern faced and with dignity, strutted toward the
couple. The lady told him, "We had a son who attended Harvard for one
year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he
was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like to erect a
memorial to him, somewhere on campus."

The president wasn't touched. He was shocked.

"Madam," he said, gruffly, "we can't put up a statue for every person
who attended Harvard and died.. If we did, this place would look like
a cemetery."

"Oh, no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a
statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard."

The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and
homespun suit, and then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any
earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half
million dollars in the physical buildings here at Harvard."

For a moment the lady was silent.

The president was pleased. Maybe he could get rid of them now.

The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs
to start a university? Why don't we just start our own?"

Her husband nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.

Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, travelling to
Palo Alto, California where they established the university that bears
their name, Stanford University, a memorial to a son that Harvard no
longer cared about.

You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those
who they think can do nothing for them.

A TRUE STORY!

The president, stern faced and with dignity, strutted toward the
couple. The lady told him, "We had a son who attended Harvard for one
year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he
was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like to erect a
memorial to him, somewhere on campus."

The president wasn't touched. He was shocked.

"Madam," he said, gruffly, "we can't put up a statue for every person
who attended Harvard and died.. If we did, this place would look like
a cemetery."

"Oh, no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a
statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard."

The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and
homespun suit, and then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any
earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half
million dollars in the physical buildings here at Harvard."

For a moment the lady was silent.

The president was pleased. Maybe he could get rid of them now.

The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs
to start a university? Why don't we just start our own?"

Her husband nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.

Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, travelling to
Palo Alto, California where they established the university that bears
their name, Stanford University, a memorial to a son that Harvard no
longer cared about.

You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those
who they think can do nothing for them.

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Wednesday Laffs!

Subject: 12 Reasons to Smile

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into
my OWN pants.

2. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
"Implants?" She hit me.

3. How come we choose from just two people to run for President and
over fifty for Miss Sri Lanka?

4. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but a true
friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"

5. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I
wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

6. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

7. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell
the difference.

8. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply press '<Ctrl Alt Delete>' (or <Start Shutdown Restart> for
mouse freaks) and start all over?

9. Why is it that our children can't read tyhe Scripture in school,
but they can in prison?

10. Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but
FAT cells live forever.

11. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten
Commandments cannot be displayed outside? (for those in the USA)

12. And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper (for those who
dont wash, only). The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

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Heard it before

You've probably heard some of these as I have but some are pretty good
the first time round.

Hopes this cheers you up and takes your mind off your woes.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his Priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance,
say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to
leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
"I saw that. You didn't put any money in the
poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate
love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons
into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for
the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we
cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some
Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.
Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go
right away Father. Do ya 'think £5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed,
"Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was
Catholic?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Ed: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex
with each of them three times."
>Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
>Ed: "What sins?"
>Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
>Ed: "I'm Jewish."
>Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
>Ed: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
Sandi was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
bedroom together when Ed arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said
Sandi to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the
closet, stark naked. Ed, however, became suspicious and after a
search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

What are you doing in there?" Ed asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked Ed.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that
would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the FATHER.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much
in favour if it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that
even10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced
before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked
the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then
adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still
feeling fine. The doctor checked the
husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At
this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel
quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife
considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the
pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no
pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs
on Santa's lap.
Santa asks: "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies: "I want a Barbie and Action Man." Santa looks
at the little girl for a moment and says: "I thought Barbie comes with
Ken."
"No," said the little girl "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next
to the barber's chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his hair cut.
The barber smiles at her and says: "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair
on your muffin."
"I know" she replies "I'm gonna get tits too."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami
Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only available on Paper
View.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest: "Father, it
has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie
Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner: "You are forgiven. Go out and say three
Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two
months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green
twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks: "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman
in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his
sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's
eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in
front of the pulpit. Her dress is green and very short, with matching
shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the
altar boy and whisperingly asks: "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies: "No Father, I think it's just the reflection
off her shoes".

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The wedding night!

A young couple were married & celebrated their first night together,

doing what newlyweds do ,time & time again,all night long.  

Morning comes & the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opens the door exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

 Her eyes went up & down & at about midway ,they stopped & stared & she asked shyly , "Whats that?" ,pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

 He, also being shy ,thought for a minute & then said , "Well, thats what we had so much fun with last night".

 She ,in amazement, asked, " Is that all we have left?"

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Women passengers!

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, Sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
 Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
 As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man growls at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says," And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says," Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
 As the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?"

 The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
 
She answered, "Only when he's been drinking."

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A new vacuum cleaner salesman

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street.

A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the Living Room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful Vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s**t!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"

"There's no electricity in the house..." said the lady.


MORAL : Gather all resources before working on any project and Committing To the client...!!!

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bet u can't answer this one

What gets longer when pulled................
Fits between your boobs...............
Inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked........................

Scroll down to find the answer......

A SEAT BELT you pervert!!!......

BUCKLE up and pass it on....................

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God's email...

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of
the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called
one of his angels to go to earth for a time. When he
returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95%
are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better
send down another angel to get a second opinion." So
God called another angel and sent him to earth for a
time, too. When the angel returned he went to God and
said,
"Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are
misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So he decided to email the 5% who
were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give
them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the email said?

No?
--
--
--
---
--
---

Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either.

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Scrabble

SCRABBLE This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in awhile. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)! DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!

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XX - Johnny is a good student

A grade school teacher in Sydney asked her students to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my Granddad's'
farm, and we all saw his pet sheep it was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the Word
"fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see RockCity and I
was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
"fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
Tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried

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Valentine verses

Poems from a Washington Post competition asking for a poem with the most
romantic first line and the LEAST romantic second line.

*************************
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
*************************
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
**************************
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty
and so is your head.
**************************
Of loving beauty you float with grace,
If only you could hide your face.
****************************
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
This describes everything you are not.
******************************
I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
*******************************
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
************************************
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife --
Marrying you screwed up my life.
************************************
I see your face when I am dreaming,
That's why I always wake up screaming.
*************************************
My love, you take my breath away --
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
*************************************
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go To Hell."
*************************************
What inspired this amorous rhyme? --
Two parts vodka, one part lime!

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Neoligism==super!

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions
to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply
alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that,
when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)
9 Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in
the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

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Just a little gas

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she
was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister
Susan?" he asked.

"No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.

A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.

"Gaining some more weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again.

"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.

A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a
baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the
carriage and said,...

"Cute little fart."

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Joys Of Aging

An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so
>that it wouldn't blow away in the wind.?
>
>A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.
>I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing
>up in this wind?"
>
>
>"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat."?
>
>"But madam, he said, "you must know that you're derriere is exposed!"??
>
>
>The woman looked down,then back up at the man and said,
>"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought
>this hat yesterday!"

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TIGER for the golfers

Tis a beauty!! Specially for Golfers.

----- A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to
consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I
have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.? ?When they are done,
the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and
get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a
second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are
you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service
to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the
phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

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Fwd: good one

In Costco the other day I noticed an old man watching a teenager
sitting at the next table. The teenager had spiked hair in all
different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the
old man staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he
sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eyelid as he replied, "Got drunk once and
had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

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Little Davie

>
> A new teacher was trying to make use of her
> psychology courses. She started her class by saying,
> "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"After
> a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher
> said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie ?"
> "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all
> by yourself!

 

"**************
Little Davie watched,
> fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her
> face. "Why d o you do that, mommy?" he asked."To
> make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then
> began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the
> matter?" asked Little Davie . "Giving
> up?

 

"***************
A Sunday School teacher of
> pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might
> be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of
> the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He
> wanted to make sure they understood that the birth
> of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up,
> etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
> Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
> Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
>  Little Davie waving his hand furiously, blurted
> out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!" The
> teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long
> seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked
> Little Davie how he knew this. Little Davie said,
> "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on
> the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you
> still in there?!"
 

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