Sunday, August 27, 2006

FW: World Cup Final - empty seat

A man has great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down,
another man asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"Incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the World Cup Final and not use it?"

"Well, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with, but
she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to
together since we got married."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Couldn't you find someone else, a friend or
relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."


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Thursday, August 24, 2006

Rude but fun stuff....
















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A GREAT salesman ...

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the area--you could get anything there.The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad.

The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss arrived and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale worth?" "Thirty-eight thousand, three hundred and thirty-four dollars," said the young man."How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new SUV." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?

""No," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

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The Giraffe Test

How do you put a giraffe in the refrigerator?


The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.




2.How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?






Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.



3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?


Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.



4.? There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

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Being a Kiwi ( applies to most countries)..

Being a Kiwi is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab

On the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a
Japanese TV.

Oh and...

Only in N.Z. ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in N.Z. ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to
The back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.

Only in N.Z. ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in N.Z. ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in N.Z. ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the driveand & lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in N.Z. ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in N.Z. ... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Kiwis die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

58 Kiwis are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Kiwis have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

8 Kiwis had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Kiwis were admitted to emergency in the last two Years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

and finally.....

In 2000 eight Kiwis cracked their skull whilst throwing up in the toilet

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Can u beat the math here ...

You need sound ...but still will not be able to understand the logic...

http://media.putfile.com/Ma___Pa_Kettle_Math

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Monday, August 21, 2006

Glue it is .....

Fred & Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back toFred's Mom & Dad's for their first night together.In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up & has his breakfast.As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred andMary are up yet.She replies, "No".Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"She replies, "No."Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch & go back to school."After school, Johnny comes home & asks again, "Are Fred & Mary up yet?"His mom says, "No."He asks, "Do you know what I think?"His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?" He says: "Last night Fred came to my room and asked for some Vaseline and Ithink I gave him my airplane glue."

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Jay Lo of SL

Check this out -

http://www.anarkalli.com/

Beautiful girl - stupid site ( you need to click on the flower near the word to see the contents - eg click on the flower near Whats Hot to enter that area)

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In case you have triplets ...

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Get it...

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing....You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night....
You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh knowing she's going tohave a monster hangover....You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night.... You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece....You circle the car looking for dents and find none....
But .... Wait a minute !!!!!!




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Fwd: Glue

Fred & Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to
Fred's Mom & Dad's for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up & has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and
Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch & go back to
school."

After school, Johnny comes home & asks again, "Are Fred & Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room and asked for some Vaseline and I
think I gave him my airplane glue."

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Sunday, August 20, 2006

Hello ....

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in thedoor."Stay where you are," she said."He is so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end ofthe bed.He turned to his wife:"Hey, there are six feet in this bed.There should only be four.What's going on?" "Nonsense," said the wife, "You're so drunk you miscounted.Get out of bed and try again.You can see better from over there."The husband climbed out of bed and counted."One, two, three, four. Damn, you are right!"

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My first time...

It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
At milking a cow...

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SOUTH ASIAN GAMES Bonanza!

Come and enjoy the 10th South Asian Games (SAG) in Colombo, 2006.

Take part in exciting sporting activities like -
Dodging the suicide bombers;
Harassing innocent civilians;
Scaring the tourists; and
Try the exciting Colombo Treasure Hunt - of finding the road that hasn't been closed!

Other exciting new games introduced this year -
Tug 'o war (not with rope but with Mahinda's Red Shawl) plus 'Pass the blame' instead of pillow.

Enjoy Sports - Sri Lanka style!

And if you're not fit enough to be the sporting type, just take a Peace March with the Anti-War Front for some good exercise ..

Pass this email to 10 people and you may well be the selected recepient of a Parcel Bomb wrapped in Red & Saffron.

Added BONUS - The N.I.B. is tracking every copy of this email you forward, to give a hundred of the new currency notes being printed by the Central Bank each day for each forward!)

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PORTRAIT OF AN ACHIEVER




Failed in business-Bankruptcy, 1831
Defeated for legislature, 1832
Sweetheart, Fiancé Dies, 1835
Nervous Breakdown, 1836
Defeated in Election, 1836
Defeated for Congress, 1843
Defeated again for U.S. Congress, 1846
Defeated again for U.S. Congress, 1848
Defeated for U.S. Senate, 1855
Defeated for Vice President, 1856
Defeated again for U.S. Senate, 1858

Elected President of the U.S.A. , 1860
Abraham Lincoln

You cannot fail unless you quit!!

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Thursday, August 17, 2006

You no tell..I no tell...

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years, and had 3kids. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting offthe lights.Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middleof a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She lookeddown...and saw her husband was holding a device...a vibrator...soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She goes completely ballistic."You impotent b******," she screamed at him,"How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explainyourself!"The husband looks her straight in the eyes and calmly says:"I'll explain the toy....... if you explain the kids."

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Test for Dementia

"It's that time of year to take our annual seniorcitizen test."

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert
The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so..

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
So, take the following test presented here anddetermine if you are losing it or are still "with it,"

The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made your answer.OK, relax, clear your mind and ... begin.

WELL MAYBE NOT THAT CLEAR!

1. What do you put in a toaster? Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give upnow and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If yousaid, "bread," go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink? Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," pleasedo not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviouslyover stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children's World. If you said "water" then proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a bluehouse is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricksand a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house madefrom?Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said"green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions?????If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizingthat the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crashlanding procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany.

Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated.

If you said, "Don't bury the survivors", then proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.

What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

Now pass this along to all your "smart friends" and hope they do better than you did.


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XXX- Not for prudes

Really great magic if don't mind the nudity ..

Again - there is total nudity - so don't go there if you are a prude.

She's no "Houdini'.

http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/1JwtmHDE933261Tnb

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MY NEW LEXUS RX400H


I just got my new Lexus RX400H and returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
Watch this! He said Nelson...... The Radio replied Ricky or Willie?.... Willie! He continued, and 'On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say Beethoven I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said Beatles I'd get one of their awesome songs.
One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled ASSHOLES!

The Israeli National Anthem began to play, sung by George Bush and Tony Blair, backed up by Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney.

DAMN! I love this car!!

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Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Interesting Trivia

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in awarehouse.

Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in atheater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

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