XX - Adult Puns!

A woman teacher asked a zoo keeper during a zoo visit with her 4th grade class,
"What is the difference between the North American porcupine and the
African porcupine ?"
"The principal difference between them Miss," the attendant replied,
"is that the North American species has a longer prick."
The teacher fled in distress and anger to the Administration Building
where the Chief Curator attempted to mollify her.
"I apologize for my staff Miss." he said. "It was an unfortunate
choice of terms. What the keeper should have told your children is
that the North American porcupine has a longer quill. Their pricks are
pretty much the same size."

While on her honeymoon, Dorothy Parker was interrupted by her New
Yorker editor, Harold Ross, who was asking after a late book review.
"Too fxxking busy," Parker replied, "and vice versa."

After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own in a pub, a
suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to the table
where she was sitting and said:
"What can I get you, gorgeous?"
The woman blushed and replied:
"If you're sure you don't mind, I'll have a large stiff one, please."
The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into the
woman's ear: "Would that be before or after I've got the drinks?

TRIPLETS -
Having to take seriously what was poked at you in fun.

An American businessman is in Japan.
The Japanese businessmen take him out, get him drunk, and send him
upstairs with a hooker.
As he's fucking her, she starts screaming,
"Nashagai Ana! Nashagai Ana!"
He's going,
"Yeah, baby, take it all..."
He keeps pumping, and she keeps screaming,
"Nashagai Ana! Nashagai Ana!"
The next day, he's playing golf with one of the Japanese guys, and he
slices the ball, and it goes way off to the right.
The Japanese businessman says,
"Nashagai Ana."
The American asks,
"What does that mean?"
The Japanese replies,
"Wrong hole."

The man brought the girl back to his apartment, took off his clothes, and said,
"I'd like you to meet my little friend."
She took a look, gathered up her clothes, then said,
"Call me when it grows up."

A zoo acquires a female gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla becomes very ornery, and difficult to handle.
The vet determines she is in heat, but there is no male gorilla available.
The zoo administrators approach Mike, who cleans animal cages.
Mike, while not very bright, is rumoured to be extremely well endowed.
They ask:
"Would you be willing to screw this gorilla for five hundred bucks?"
"Well, let me think it over and I'll let you know tomorrow. "
The next day, Mike says:
"I'll do it, but only under three conditions.
First, I don't want to have to kiss her.
Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result.
Third, I need another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

Every Amish woman's private fantasy is two Mennonite!

Two women were having coffee, when one said,
"I used to call my ex 'Superman' when we were in bed."
The second commented,
"How flattering!" to which the first replied,
"Not really! I meant that he was faster than a speeding bullet."

Most men prefer Dial soap because Dial spelled backwards is extreme happiness.

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XX - Adult Puns!

The dumbest part of a mans body is his penis.
It hangs out with a couple of nuts, lives next door to an ass-hole and
his best friend is a pussy!

Why is it that a woman can guide a 1.5" diameter penis into an inch
diameter vagina in pitch black darkness without looking and cannot
park a 6 foot car in a 7 foot parking spot in broad daylight?

Little Johnny is sleeping in bed when his mother comes along and says:
"Rise and shine Little Johnny, time to wake up."
Little Johnny replies,
"Five more minutes mum."
His mother decides to give him five more minutes.
So, she goes down the stairs and starts cooking breakfast.
After five minutes Little Johnny comes down the stairs and is crying
uncontrollably. "What's wrong Little Johnny?" asks his mother.
"I had a wet dream last night," Little Johnny replied.
His mother is surprised, but keeps her composure.
"That's nothing to cry over, is it Little Johnny?" she says.
"Of course it bloody is," says Little Johnny. "If anyone ever asks me
what I said after my first orgasm, I'll have to tell them five more
minutes, mom!'"

Mary was walking down the street and she saw a sign on a fabric store
window that said 'Felt For $0.25 Per Foot'
Mary just laughed and laughed,  because she knew that she could get
felt for free.

A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons.
She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a
sign on them saying "5 Boxes $1"
Well, the woman just could not believe this price.
So, she asks the clerk if it was correct.
He said,
"Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."
She said,
"That can't be right!"
The clerk says,
"Oh yes, it's right! Five boxes for a dollar, no strings attached."

A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.
"Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist.
"Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the ass."

There was a little boy standing in the bathroom of a store.
Watching an older man pee in a urinal, the little boy said,
"My daddy has two of those."
The man asked,
"Your daddy has two penises?"
The little boy replied,
"Yes. He has a small one for peeing, and a big one he chases momma
around the house with."

A guy from West Virginia passed away and left his entire estate to his
beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

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OVERCONFIDENCE !

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was
receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead,
and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy
said,

"But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held
her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is.
A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild
guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher
held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off
the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?"
she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the
process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she
asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more
big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

 With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

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Times are bad

The Recession hits everybody.....

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of
pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call
them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in  Beverly Hills  fired their nannies and learned their
children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they
re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island Casino in  Las Vegas  is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!

The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the
people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

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XX - Adult Puns!

It was a hot day in Iowa.
Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went
down the street to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.
She passed by a tavern and thought,
"Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."
The bartender asked,
"Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed and replied,
"Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

Would masturbating while on an international flight be called "skyjacking off"?

Thorn comes home from work one afternoon and is stopped by his neighbour,
"It may be none of my business, but this afternoon a strange man came
to your house and your wife let him in. I peeked through the curtains
and saw them making wild, passionate love."
Thorn said,
"Was he short, about 5'8"?"
"Yes," the neighbour answers,
"I believe he was."
"Did he have a droopy eye, and appear drunk?" Thorn asked.
"Yes," the neighbour agrees.
"Then that was the mailman, Jim," Thorn responds. "He'll screw anyone!"

A guy shouted to his girlfriend,
"Come here and look at my clock!"
She walks in and finds him naked with a hard-on, and says,
"That's not a clock."
"It will be when you put two hands and a face on it!"

A straight guy who can't get a date is called a loser.
A homosexual who can't get a date is called a poor sucker

Despite the old saying,
"Don't take your troubles to bed," many men still sleep with their wives.

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SENIORS TRAVEL

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old
gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the
glamorous destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the
window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop: 'I know that on your pension you could
never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous
resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight
tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.

They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.
'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.
'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said.
'I've come to thank you but, one thing puzzled me.
Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?'

ACTUALLY, SOME OF US ASK THE SAME QUESTION EVERY MORNING!

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Puns of the Day...

"I work in a horse barn," said Bob.
"There really is no need to sob.
Though the work is crappy,
Like I told my pappy,
At least it's a good stable job."

Eunuch:
What you do when the doorbell is out of order

I was in Afghanistan speaking with a reporter as a soldier packed her things.
The major came over and noticed some odd-looking pieces of cloth on her cot.
"What are you doing with all these eye patches?" he asked, lifting one up.
Taking it from him, she mumbled,
"Um, this is my thong underwear."

"The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but city officials
are holding their breath until it is officially finished."

One day, Jake, a nine-year-old boy, asked to pack his own lunch for school.
His mom agreed.
But they couldn't agree on WHAT he should pack,
So, they both made lists.
This was the mom's list:
He must have at least:
One sandwich,
One apple,
Pretzels,
A carton of milk and
A vegetable.
This was Jake's list:
Candy,
Candy,
Candy.
Jake agreed to compromise.
Sure enough, the next morning, Jake was ready for school and he packed
his lunch making sure he had a sandwich, apple, pretzels, some milk --
and for his vegetable he chose corn.
His mom came to check his lunch, and this is what he had:
An (ice cream) sandwich;
A (caramel) apple;
(white chocolate-covered) pretzels, with sprinkles on top;
A carton of Nesquik chocolate milk, and
A bag of candy corn!

A man who used to perform autopsies was arrested for taking home 157
pounds of human body parts.
Do you know what his bail cost him?
An arm and a leg

There was a young lad who was counting on his Uncle Al to take him to
the circus.
On the big day, however, his mother told him that his Uncle had flown
to Australia to see the Davis Cup matches.
"I didn't know Uncle Al loved that game so much," mourned the boy.
"Oh, but he does," she assured him, "Many's the time I've heard Alfred
laud tennis, son!"

A wedding ring is like a tourniquet --
It cuts off your circulation!

Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched this small
Georgia town in which he was visiting until he found a sign which
read:
"Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service."
After explaining his needs, he said,
"I'll be back for my suit tomorrow."
"Won't be ready till Saturday," replied the proprietor.
"But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested.
"We do, son," the proprietor said reproachfully. "But we only work
eight hours a day. Today's Thursday - eight hours today, eight hours
Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't 't good
enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest
grandchild in the world.

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Puns of the Day...

"I did nothing wrong," Tom inveighed.
"I'm innocent, very dismayed."
While he's out on appeal,
He continues his spiel.
So justice, for now's, been delayed.

When I was a kid a "crack salesman" just meant a guy was really good
at what he did.

I feel so much more confident that the TSA's nude photos of airline
passengers will never be released now that I know the government
couldn't even prevent half a million classified national security
documents from being posted on WikiLeaks.

A clumsy file clerk dropped her birth control pills into the Xerox machine.
It wouldn't reproduce for a month .

A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk.
The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk.
"I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath."
The clerk asked,
"Pasteurised?"
She replied,
"No just up to my chin."

The hippie couple were somewhat distressed that their son didn't also
turn out to be a flower child,
"Some daisy disappoints us, but he's still orchid, and we love him."
Eight year old Johnnie came home from school one day.

At the supper table he announced to his mother and father that
tomorrow in school they were going to learn about sex education.
The next evening at the dinner table Johnnie's mother asked,
"Well Johnnie, what did you learn about sex education today?"
Johnnie said,
"I think the teacher said we should avoid intersections and buy condominiums."

After her face-lift, she was able to keep her chin up.

A woman who was on a perennial diet, starved her husband right along
with herself, till he complained to his pastor that he couldn't get
his wife to serve him a decent meal and he was growing positively
malnourished.
"I can't get her to listen to reason. Maybe you can get somewhere with
her," the hubby complained.
So, the pastor counseled the ever-dieting woman, who at last saw the
error of her ways. "What shall I do to make amends?" she asked her
spiritual counselor.
He told her,
"Just repent and thin no more."

I've been on so many blind dates.
I should get a free dog.

When a mother found out she was pregnant again, she told the good news
to anyone who would listen.
Her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents' conversations, and
one day when they were at the mall shopping, a woman asked the little
boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it,
too. It's gonna be called Christina or Quits!"
"Quits??" asked the woman, quizzically.
"Yup," replied the boy. "I heard Mom say 'If it's a girl we're going
to call her Christina, but if it's another boy we're going to call it
quits'!"

Never squat while wearing your spurs.

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XX - Adult Puns!

If you don't enjoy masturbation, you have only yourself to blame

Chris and Frank were having a beer at the neighbourhood bar.
"What's the matter?" asked Chris of his pal.
"My girlfriend  just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news
bulletin," said Frank. "Why's that?" asked Chris.
Frank took a deep  breath and said,
"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

Smoking a cigarette shortens your life by 14 minutes.
However, having sex lengthens it by 12 minutes.
So, smokers,
"Screw! Screw for your lives!"

Little Susie was asked what she wanted most for her  birthday and she declared,
"A baby brother."
"Sweetheart, Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said  her mom,
"But there just isn't time before your birthday."
Susie thought for a moment and replied,
"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want
something in a hurry? Put more men on the job."

Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said,
"If you build it, they will come."

Fred tells his buddy,
"Truth be told, I'm bored with  my woman, with the same old sex night
after night after  night. I guess I'm hankering for a bit of variety."
His  friend Jim replied,
"Well, if you want variety, why  don't you just, you know, turn her
over every now and  again?"
Fred says,
"What? And have a house full of kids?"

Sex with your wife like a 7-11 store.
There's not much variety, but what else is open at 3:00 in the morning?

When I was 17, my mother remarried and moved to Tulsa Oklahoma,
leaving me alone to finish my senior year of high school in the little
Town where we lived.
She was only about an hour away and I was very responsible for my age.
My girlfriend had decided to stay the night one Saturday.
On Sunday Morning, we woke up and started to have sex.
We got very involved and she started screaming very loudly.
Then, we heard the toilet flush in the next room - my mother had come
home for a Sunday lunch!
When we finally got the courage to come out of the bedroom, my Mother
was sitting at the dining room table and asked,
"Did your Father have the whole sex talk with you before we got divorced?"
He hadn't, but as most kids did at that time we learned in school, I said,
"No mom, he did not."
She replied,
"I didn't think so. We were married for 28 years and He never made me
scream like that!!"

When you've got 50 lesbians and 50 state workers,
You have 100 people that don't do dick.

One day Pebbles Flintstone was in bed with Fred and Wilma.
They were both naked.
Pebbles sees Fred's penis and says,
"Daddy, what's that?" and Fred says,
"Th-that's... Um... that's daddy's rock."
A little while later Pebbles looks down and sees Wilma's vagina.
"What's that, mommy?" she asks.
"Oh, that. That's mommy's rock grinder."
All of a sudden Pebbles sits up and says,
"I get it! Daddy puts his rock into mommy's rock grinder and out comes pebbles!"

Another name for a zipper is a Penis Fly Trap.

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A man loses both his ears in an accident.

No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.He heard of a very good
one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought
a while, and said, "yes, I can put you right." After the operation,
bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.

The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You
swine, you gave me a woman's ears." "Well, an ear is an ear.

It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's.said the surgeon.

" "You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"

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jokes

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to
do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43,  who was looking
for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a
turban, beard and a backpack
wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find
himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said,
"Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5  hours to
hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be
honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women
happy.   Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a
part in the school play and he was playing
a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind
son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot.  Oxfam
can supply a whole African village for
just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said
white they gave me a lecture on the
benefits of brown bread  for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

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XX - ADULT PUNS!

Bankers make the best lovers because they know first hand the penalty
for early withdrawal.

There was an announcement in our homeowners association bulletin of a
meeting of the local Premature Ejaculators Anonymous group at the
clubhouse at 8 PM Wednesday.
I decided to go and see what the group was like.
I walked into the clubhouse meeting room just before 8:00 that evening
and found the room completely empty.
It was then I realized that I came too soon.

Tip for beginning rock stars:
Never moon the audience while suffering from projectile diarrhoea ~
that's when the shit hits the fan.

An eight-year-old boy asked his father what is the difference with an
old-time woman's panty and a now-a- days panty.
His father told him that from his experience the only suitable answer
he could give him was that you had to move the panty to see the ass a
long time ago, but now you have to move the ass to see the panty!

Gay politicians are always seeking mandates.

During the Richard Nixon debacle, and the "Saturday Night Massacre, in
which Nixon fired his special prosecutor Archibald Cox, a bumper
sticker displayed the next day in Washington read,
"Nixon is a Cox sacker."

My ex thought he was so good he called himself 'Hammer.'
He liked to talk about how often he nailed me.

There was a Chinese father named Cheng who was very close to his son.
They used to go everywhere together including looking for "birds"
(Chinese slang for prostitute).
One day, Chung the son decided to go overseas for study.
The father was very supportive, and before his son left, the father told him,
"Chung we cannot look for chicken together for the next few years.
However, if you need to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will
pay for it. But please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that
your mother will not suspect."
So, the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill from
Chung, the son, (shooting bird - $300).
Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird
is more than $700. Well, the father could not tolerate this,
So, he wrote to his son.
"Chung Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper one".
A month later, Cheng, the father, received another bill from his son.
On it he had written:
Shooting Bird - $50
Rifle Repair - $2,000

Did you hear about he new athletic shoe for lesbians?
They are called "Dikes."
They come with an extra long tongue and you can get them off with one finger!

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XX - ADULT PUNS!

It was a difficult case for the jurors.
They had to decide whether the owners of the Bottoms Up Club in NYC
were guilty of obscenity.
The Judge decided that it would probably be best if the jury went to
the club and see the allegedly obscene act.
The judge and the jury watched the act once, focusing on the part
where a sexy couple performed the "Dance of Love" with a climactic
scene of lovemaking on a bearskin rug. The jury was unable to decide
definitely whether it was obscene or not.
So, the jury members asked to see the act one more time.
They watched it carefully again.
But they still couldn't reach a decision.
So, this time they asked the understudies to perform the same act one
more time. Fortunately, the police involved in the case were very
understanding.
According to the Detective:
"It is a difficult matter. The police have watched the show 75 times."

Gallop:
Sexual position formally known as "female superior"

Two little boys were engaging in the traditional verbal battle of
little boys everywhere: "My father is better than your father!"
"No, he's not!"
"My brother is better than your brother!"
"No, he's not!"
"My mother is better than your mother!"
A pause.
"Well, I guess you've got me there. My father says the same thing."

Bill and Bob have tended bar together for years.
One day Bill says,
"I love my wife, but sometimes I get bored.
Tell me, have you ever thought of switching?
Who says you have to be with your wife and I have to be with my wife
all the time!"
Bob says,
"Hey, that's a great idea. Let's talk to our wives and see what they think."
Each of them talks to his wife, and much to their delight the wives
agree to the plan.
The next morning Bob says to Bill,
"How was it for you?"
Bill says,
"I had a lot of fun, we should do this again."
"That's what I think," says Bob.
"Let's go next door and see how the girls made out."

A blonde I know won't talk during sex because her mother told her
never to talk to strangers.

A middle-aged friend of ours read Lolita recently.
"I can't understand what all the excitement is about," he told us. "I
didn't find anything in it that could be considered even vaguely
sensational, and neither did my twelve-year-old wife."

Old Seth goes to the doctor to see about erection problems.
"I'll be ridin' the tractor on the south 20," Seth said, "and the warm
sun and the tractor vibratin' gets it up! But by the time I can get
back to the house and maw gets ready, it's down--and I can't get it
back up. Can you give me somethin' to help keep it up?"
The doc says no, he can't.
Age carries its price.
But--perhaps some signal could be arranged and maw would be prepared
as paw arrived at the house?
Maybe maw could even meet him halfway?
"A great idea!" says Seth. "There's a little grove about halfway to
the house from where I'm plowin'. Me and maw used to have sex there
when we were younger! It'd be a great spot. I'll carry my shotgun and
when it's all up and hard, I'll fire it and she'll get there same time
as I do. Thanks doc!"
Time passes.
The doctor meets Seth at the bank one morning and asks how he's doing.
Seth says he's okay.
The doc asks how Seth's wife is, and Seth says,
"Poor maw, she's dead!"
"Sorry to hear that," says the doc. "How did she die?"
"Just run herself to death durin' the quail season," said Seth.

Two Dallas women opened a marina.
They ran the best little oarhouse in Texas.

While inspecting their honeymoon hotel room the bride discovered a
little box attached to the bed.
"What's this for?" she asked her husband.
"If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his pocket, "the
bed starts vibrating."
"Save your money," she said. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating!"

A husband and wife were having dinner at a fine restaurant when an
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the
husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says,
"Who was that??!!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says,
"That's it; I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a
divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering
in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club.
But... The decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant
with a gorgeous woman on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Oh," says the wife, "Ours is prettier."

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Fabulous Compilation..!

Napoleon said..

"The world suffers a lot. Not because of the violence of bad people,
but because of the silence of good people!"

Shakespeare said..

"In The Times Of Crisis I Was Not Hurt By The Harsh Words Of  My
Enemies, But By The Silence Of My Friends".

Michael Paul said..

I wrote on the door of the heart, "Please do not enter"
Love came smiling and said: "Sorry I am an illiterate"

Einstein said..

"I am thankful to all those who said NO to me
It's Because of them that I did it myself.

Abraham Lincoln said..

"If friendship is your weakest point then you are the strongest person
in the world."

Shakespeare said..

"Laughing Faces Do Not Mean That There Is Absence Of   Sorrow! But It
Means That They Have The Ability To Deal With It"

Shakespeare said..

"Never Play With The Feelings Of Others Because You May  Win The Game
But You Will Surely Lose The Person For Life Time"

Shakespeare said..

"Coin Always Makes Sound But The Currency Notes Are Always Silent. So
When Your Value Increases Keep Yourself Calm and Silent"

William Arthur said..

"Opportunities Are Like Sunrises, If You Wait Too Long You Can   Miss Them"

Hitler said..

"When You Are In The Light, Everything Follows You,
But When You Enter Into The Dark, Even Your Own Shadow Doesn't Follow You"

Shiv Khera..

"If We Are Not Part Of The Solutions, We Are The Big Problems"
"Winners Never Do  Different Things,
They Do  Things Differently".

John Keats said..

"It Is Very Easy To Defeat Someone,
But It Is Very Hard To Win Someone"

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Logical Joke

Johnny had long heard the stories of an amazing family  tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and  great-grandfather had all
been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on
the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Johnny's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob
took a  boat out to the middle of the lake. Johnny stepped out of the
boat  ...and nearly drowned!

Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to  safety.
Furious and confused, Johnny went to see his  grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday so  why can't I walk
'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'
Granny looked deeply into Johnny's crossed lil  eyes and said,
'Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were
born in January when  the lake is frozen, and you were born in July
you dumbass!'

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XX - ADULT PUNS!

A clever woman I know wired up her vibrator to her bedside radio and
came up with the world's first radio alarm cock!

The Scottish farmer thought he'd caught a nasty STD.
But it turns out he was just allergic to wool.

We're at home watching TV.
I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing
channel and the porn channel.
She became more and more annoyed and finally said,
"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel! You already know how to fish!"

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with
a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says:
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

A young boy knows about sex and where babies come from because his
MOther told him that "the man puts his penis inside the woman and she
gets pregnant."
A few days later, after pondering this for some time, the boy asks in
all the innocence and wonder of a child,
"Does the man ever get his penis back?"

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Texting codes for seniors

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting  there appears to
be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).

If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you:.

ATD:  At The Doctor's

BFF:  Best Friend Farted

BTW:  Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT:  Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM:  Covered By Medicare

CUATSC:  See You At The Senior Centre

DWI:  Driving While Incontinent

FWB:  Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW:  Forgot Where I Was

FYI:  Found Your Insulin

GGPBL:  Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA:  Got Heartburn Again

HGBM:  Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO:  Is My Hearing Aid On?

LMDO:  Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL:  Living On Lipitor

LWO:  Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR:  On My Massage Recliner

OMSG:  Oh My – Sorry, Gas.

ROTFL – ACGU:  Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can't Get Up

SGGP:  Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL:  Talk To You Louder

WAITT:  Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP:  Where's The Prunes?

WWNO:  Walker Wheels Need Oil

WMDP:  Where's My Damn Phone?

GGLKI:  Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

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Welfare office

A young man in dandy clothes walked into the local welfare office to
pick up his check.  He marched straight up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare.  I'd really rather
have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of
your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.  You'll also be
expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.  This
is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her
mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The man, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well .... You started it."

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XX - ADULT PUNS!

Since I announced loudly at the local drugstore that I wanted some
extra large condoms, my wife has sure taken a lot of ribbing.

The big difference between hobos & homos is:
Hobos have no friends,
&
Homos have friends coming out their ass!

ADULTERY -
The wrong people doing the right thing.

The husband was angry when he found out that his wife had been cheating on him.
He shouts at her,
"I will play second fiddle to no one!"
The wife replies,
"Second fiddle? With your little flute you are lucky you are still in the band!"

Married sex is like ordering a Civil War chess set from the Franklin Mint.
Every four to six weeks you get a piece.

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Today`s education..... - interesting facts

There is an old Hotel/Pub in Marble Arch, London,
Which used to have a gallows adjacent to it.
Prisoners were taken to the gallows, (after a fair trial of course) to be hung.
The horse drawn dray, carting the prisoner, was accompanied by an
armed guard, who would stop the dray outside the pub and ask the
prisoner if he would like
''ONE LAST DRINK''.
If he said YES, it was referred to as
"ONE FOR THE ROAD"
If he declined, that prisoner was
"ON THE WAGON"

So, there you go.
More bleeding history.
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot
&
Then once a day, it was taken & sold to the tannery.
If you had to do this to survive you were,
"Piss Poor",
But worse than that, were the really poor folk, who couldn't even
afford to buy a pot,
They "Didn't have A pot to Piss in"
&
Were the lowest of the low.
 The next time you are washing your hands and complain, because the water
Temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500's:
Most people got married in June,
Because they took their yearly bath in May
And
They still smelled pretty good by June.
However, since they were starting to smell,
Brides carried a bouquet of flowers, to hide the body odour.
Hence,
The custom today,
Of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,
Then all the other sons and men,
Then the women and finally the children.
Last of all the babies.
By then the water was s dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying,
"Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm,
So all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip
and fall off the roof.
Hence, the saying:
"It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom,
Where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top, afforded
some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt.
Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence, the saying,
"Dirt Poor."
The wealthy had slate floors,
That would get slippery in the winter when wet,
So they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on, they added more thresh,
Until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside.
A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence:
A thresh hold...
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle, that
always hung
Over the fire.
Every day, they lit the fire and added things to the pot.
They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat.
They would eat the stew for dinner,
Leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight,
Then start over the next day.
Sometimes, stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme:
''Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot,
nine days old''.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon, to show off.
It was a sign of wealth that a man could,
"Bring home the Bacon."
They would cut off a little, to
Share with guests and would all sit around talking and
''Chew the fat''.
Those with money had plates made of pewter.
Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the
food, causing lead poisoning & death.
This happened most often with tomatoes,
So for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided, according to status...
Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf,
The family got the middle,
and
Guests got the top,
or
''The Upper Crust''.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.
The combination, would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple
of days. Someone walking along the road, would take them for dead and
prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a
couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink
and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence, the custom of
''Holding a Wake''.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
places to bury
people.
So, they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house
and re-use the grave...
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have
scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying
people alive.
So, they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse,
thread it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night,
(the graveyard shift)
To listen for the bell;
Thus, someone could be,
''Saved by the Bell ''
or
was considered a '
'Dead Ringer''
And
that's the truth.

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