THE BUTTOCKS...

          A married couple was in a terrible accident where the

          man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the

          husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body

          because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate

          some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body

          that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come

          from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they

          would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they

         requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After

         all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was

         completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

         He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his

         friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful

         beauty!  One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was

         overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear,

         I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.

             How can I possibly repay you???'

                 'My darling,' she replied,

          'I get all the thanks I need.. every time I see your mother

               kiss you on the cheek !!!'......

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old Nun

Sent in by a good Catholic with a sense of humor.

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site
noticed the coarse language of

the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their
ways.  She decided she would

take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.  She put her
sandwich in a brown bag and walked

over to the spot where the men were eating.  She walked up to the
group and with a big smile asked,

"Do you men know Jesus Christ?"  They shook their heads, shrugged and
looked at each other dumb founded.  One of the workers looked up into
the steelwork and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"  One
of the steelworkers asked why.  The worker yelled, "His wife is here
with his lunch."

 

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if you need a laugh today

some old but still good..

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point
a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.... See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries
with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has
Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their
Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going
To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND
ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

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WE WILL NEVER SEE THIS HAPPEN AGAIN..

Harry Truman was a different kind of President.  He probably made as
many, or more important decisions regarding our nation's history as
any of the other 42 Presidents preceding him. However, a measure of
his greatness may rest on what he did after he left the White House.

The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which
was in Independence Missouri. His wife had inherited the house from
her mother and father and other than their years in the White House,
they lived their entire lives there.

When he retired from office in 1952, his income was a U.S. Army
pension reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that
he was paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him
an 'allowance' and,  later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per
year..

After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home
to Missouri by themselves. There was no Secret Service following them.

When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined,
stating, "You don't want me. You want the office of the President, and
that doesn't belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it's
not for sale."

Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him
the Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it,
writing, "I don't consider that I have done anything which should be
the reason for any award, Congressional or otherwise."

As president he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.

Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on
the Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress
also have found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the
fruits of their offices. Political offices are now for sale.  (sic.
Illinois )

Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, "My choices in
life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a
politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!

I say dig him up and clone him!!

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XX - Kamasutra Explained

You have to hand it to the ancient indian Rishis for their deep
understanding of the essence of life

Maharishi Vatsyayan has stated in his magnum opus "Kamasutra" that ....Sex is….

"Duty", if done with your Wife

"Art", if done with your Lover

"Education", if done with a Virgin

"Business Transaction", if done with a Prostitute

"Social Work", if done with a Divorcee

"Charity", if done with a Widow &

"Meditative Trance", if done by yourself

"Teamwork"

if done with a member of the same gender

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"Daddy's Poem..."

 Her hair was up in a pony tail,
 Her favourites dress tied with a bow.
 Today was Daddy's Day at school,
 And she couldn't wait to go.

 But her mommy tried to tell her,
 That she probably should stay home.
 Why the kids might not understand,
 If she went to school alone.

 But she was not afraid;
 She knew just what to say.
 What to tell her classmates
 Of why he wasn't there today.

 But still her mother worried,
 For her to face this day alone.
 And that was why once again,
 She tried to keep her daughter home.

 But the little girl went to school
 Eager to tell them all.
 About a dad she never sees
 A dad who never calls.
 There were daddies along the wall in back,
 For everyone to meet.
 Children squirming impatiently,
 Anxious in their seats

 One by one the teacher called
 A student from the class.
 To introduce their daddy,
 As seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name,
 Every child turned to stare.
 Each of them was searching,
 A man who wasn't there.

 'Where's her daddy at?'
 She heard a boy call out.
 'She probably doesn't have one,'
 Another student dared to shout.

 And from somewhere near the back,
 She heard a daddy say,
 'Looks like another deadbeat dad,
 Too busy to waste his day.'

 The words did not offend her,
 As she smiled up at her Mom.
 And looked back at her teacher,
 Who told her to go on.
 And with hands behind her back,
 Slowly she began to speak.
 And out from the mouth of a child,
 Came words incredibly unique.

 'My Daddy couldn't be here,
 Because he lives so far away.
 But I know he wishes he could be,
 Since this is such a special day.

 And though you cannot meet him,
 I wanted you to know.
 All about my daddy,
 And how much he loves me so.

 He loved to tell me stories
 He taught me to ride my bike.
 He surprised me with pink roses,
 And taught me to fly a kite.

 We used to share fudge sundaes,
 And ice cream in a cone.
 And though you cannot see him.
 I'm not standing here alone.

 'Cause my daddy's al ways with me,
 Even though we are apart
 I know because he told me,
 He'll forever be in my heart'

With that, her little hand reached up,
 And lay across her chest.
 Feeling her own heartbeat,
 Beneath her favourite dress.
 And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads,
 Her mother stood in tears.
 Proudly watching her daughter,
 Who was wise beyond her years.

 For she stood up for the love
 Of a man not in her life.
 Doing what was best for her,
 Doing what was right.

 And when she dropped her hand back down,
 Staring straight into the crowd.
 She finished with a voice so soft,
 But its message clear and loud.

 'I love my daddy very much,
 he's my shining star.
 And if he could, he'd be here,
 But heaven's just too far.

 You see he is a Canadian soldier
 And died just this past year
 When a roadside bomb hit his convoy
 And taught us all to fear.
 But sometimes when I close my eyes,
 it's like he never went away.'
 And then she closed her eyes,
 And saw him there that day.

 And to her mothers amazement,
 She witnessed with surprise.
 A room full of daddies and children,
 All starting to close their eyes.

 Who knows what they saw before them,
 Who knows what they felt inside.
 Perhaps for merely a second,
 They saw him at her side.

'I know you're with me Daddy,'
 To the silence she called out.
 And what happened next made believers,
 Of those once filled with doubt.

 Not one in that room could explain it,
 For each of their eyes had been closed.
 But there on the desk beside her,
 Was a fragrant long-stemmed rose.

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Nice ones

What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?

" Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours,
but I never told them anything !! "

****

What's the difference between people
who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?

The ones in the casinos are serious.

****

When I was young I used to pray for a bike,
then I realized that God doesn't work that way,

so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

****

A little boy went up to his father and asked :
" Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from ? "

His father replied :

" Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother,

because I still have mine. "

****
John's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :
"John seems to be a very bright boy,
but spends too much of his time thinking about girls. "

The mother wrote back the next day :
" If you find a solution, please advise. I'm facing the same problem
with his father !

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Wars, politics, sex all because of different perceptions

Women are chatting in office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in
three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled
over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a
romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he
lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had
an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It
was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my
wife and fell asleep. It was great!  What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut
the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out
to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We
had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home remember there
was no electricity so I had to light fricking candles all over the house! I
was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come
for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't
fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

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Mans world

Oldie but still great ...

HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO'S

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
Boyfriend along shopping

This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford :

Dear Mrs Lewis,

Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the
Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Oxford is
Considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your
Husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by our
Surveillance cameras:

1. June 15th:  Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
Trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2nd:  Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
Intervals.

3. July 7th:  Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine
Products aisle.

4. July 19th:  Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in housewares..... And watched what happened.

5. August 14th:  Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15th:  Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
Told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor
Gas stove.

7. September 23rd: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,  he
Began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8.. October 4th:  Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
Mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. October 10th:  While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
Antidepressants were.

10. November 3rd:  Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
Mission Impossible' theme.

11.November  6th:  In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look'
Using different size funnels.

12. November 18:  Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. November 21st:  When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed
The foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And last, but not least:

14. November 23rd:  Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while;
Then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

 

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Humour- classified ads

You may read this before... still good for a chuckle though!

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K.  newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog... able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES:  NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

*** And the WINNER is... ***

FOR SALE BY OWNER.

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica,
45 volumes.
Excellent condition.....£200 or best offer.
No longer needed; got married last month.

Wife knows f#%#%#g everything!

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News from the Pharmacy...

These are the new wonder drugs that will soon be available:

Peptobimbo ...
Liquid silicone for single women.
Two full cups swallowed before an evening out, increases breast size,
decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol ...
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. Causing
enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor ...
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and
the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ...
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving
grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ...
Potent antibiotic for older women.
Increases resistance to such lines as,"You make me want to be a better
person ... Can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ...
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ...
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy
so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a
book by Dr. Laura.

St. Mom's Wort ...
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering pre-schoolers
unconscious for up to six hours.

Anti-talksident ...
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin ...
Bedroom aerosol spray for men.
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a
headache," syndrome.

Ragamet ...
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as
ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of
doing it herself.

Jack Asspirin ...
Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your
birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A new 'cure' for prostate problems???
WTF?

An oldie...
    A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and
take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage,
'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic
was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,

'So Doc , look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out,
repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it
works just like new.

So, how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big  bucks
($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the
mechanic...

'Try doing it with the engine running.

 It has come to the attention of researchers of the Food and Drug
Administration that previously unanticipated complications, result
when Viagra is taken along with Ex-Lax.

Both products tend to act together and magnify the effects of the other.

The researchers have concluded that the result is that you end up both
coming and going at the same time.

It *really* gets complicated when Prozac is taken with the other
drugs, because then, you really don't give a shit if you're coming or
going.

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THE BLONDE

She was so Blonde

She was Soooooooo Blonde
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says, "Sign here:" she
wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde…
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said
"Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde…
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport
Left," she turned around and went home.
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This
Goes In Front."

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde…* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican
phone company……

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XX - Adult Puns!

Double x rated..

Uncle John, who was in his eighties, went to live in a nursing home
because of 'Alzheimers'.
I gave him a call to see if he was up for a visit.
He said,
"Sure come over about 2, and will you bring me a couple tubes of KY
jelly. Oops, I got to go, I have a date. See you then."
I arrived and was walking down the hallway when Uncle John came out of
a room with a lady on each arm.
He introduced me to the ladies, then he and I walked to his room.
I handed him the bag with the KY jelly, and I asked,
"What do you use it for?"
"Well, my boy," He said to me with a wink. "This place has more women
than I can shake my dick at."
I replied,
"Oh Wow, Uncle John, I didn't know you could still do it at your age."
He looked at me in a strange way and said,
"Do what?"

If Iran penetrated Turkey from the rear, would Greece help?

The bar was getting ready to close, so John asked the nearest woman,
"What would you say to a little 'oral' activity?"
"That all depends," she quickly responded. "Your face, or mine?"

When the Sheiks' oil fields dried up, he realized he would have to cut
back on expenses quickly.
As much as he hated to, he knew he would have to give-up most of his harem.
He decided to find out which ones performed best in all aspects of sex
and retain just those few.
Night after night the "contest" was held.
Then one of the younger girls performed such outstanding oral sex on
him, he knew she was one of the chosen.
"Tell me," he said, "what is the secret of your fabulous technique."
"What I did, Oh Sovereign of the Sands, was to suck on ice cubes prior
to our session." replied the girl.
"You see, my Mother told me that in most cases, the cooler head always
prevails."

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered...
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:
"No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." (Eleanor Roosevelt)

A Judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple.
When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete the
woman thanks the judge and says,
"Now I have to arrange for a Ghet."
The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet.
So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required
under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by
the Jewish faith.
The judge says,
"You mean a religious ceremony, like a Bris?"
"Yes," she replies, "Very similar, only in this case you, get rid of
the entire shmuck!"
("Shmuck" in Yiddish is the equivalent of "Prick" in English)

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Murphy's Rules of Sex

~ Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them.

~ Abstain from wine, women, and song mostly song.

~ Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

~ A woman never forgets the men she could have had
A man, the women he couldn't.

~ It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

~ Don't say no,
Say maybe,
Say any old thing say come back in the
Spring but don't say no.

~ A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

~ Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

~ Beauty is skin deep ugly goes right to the bone.

~ Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation the other eight are
unimportant.

 

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XX - Adult Puns!

Remember these are XX ated.

A Fundamentalist Minister in Alabama, sorely tempted, finally
propositioned the Choir director one night after practice, when they
were alone in the church.
"Where Reverend?" she enthusiastically replied.
"Right here on the floor," he panted.
"It'd be too cold." she whispered.
"How about standing up?"
"Have you taken leave of you senses?" he shouted. "If anyone came in,
they'd think we were dancing."

A masochistic homosexual is a sucker for punishment.

So this guy goes into a whorehouse.
Once in the room with the prostitute, he puts $50 on the table and
drops his pants.
The hooker almost faints, the guy has a 18 inch cock.
She says,
"Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it, but your not sticking that in me."
The man pulls up his pants and picks up his $50 and says,
"Screw that, I can do that myself!"

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!

I knew my husband was messing around on me.
But I just never could catch him in the act.
But I still had suspicions.
One day, I cut my leg with the razor while I was shaving.
I looked in his shaving kit for that little styptic pencil to stop the bleeding.
I found K-Y Jelly!
I knew WE never used it.
"Ah Hah!" I said to myself.
"He's been messin' around on me on the side!"
Well, well, well! I decided to get a syringe and I filled it with Tabasco sauce.
Then, I injected it into the K-Y Jelly tube.
What a blistered dick he had! I can only hope!
I'm wondering if she got a little feel of it, too!!
Never sell yourself short.
Unless you're a midget hooker.

It seems that a group of men who were employed in the wine industry
preparing the corks for capping each bottle as it was filled were
having a national convention at a convention centre in Milwaukee,
Wisconsin.
At the same time in the same centre a group of women who worked in the
garment industry making maternity clothes were also holding a
convention.
On the last night, the convention centre hosted a joint party with an open bar.
As expected, these men and women took full advantage of the free
drinks well into the night.
A wild free-for-all fight broke out, and the police had to be called
to restore order.
In his report, the police captain wrote that in his thirty years on
the force he had never before encountered a more rowdy gang of cork
soakers and mother frockers who insisted on fighting and brawling
until the police fired shots into the air.

A survey on the most alluring female thighs showed that:
18 percent liked slender thighs,
23 percent liked firmer larger thighs,
But most generally went for something in between.

A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them
down BAM! BAM! BAM!
Then, he orders three more.
The bartender's having a slow night and appreciates the business, but
is also concerned. "Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the
problem?"
The guy answers,
"I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave my wife alone.
I've had my suspicions about our next-door neighbour.
So, I hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl
of cream."
The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another.
"So, you came home and found cream on the weight?"
The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says,
"It's worse than that. The cream had been churned into butter."

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Catholic Definitions...

Choir:

A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

Holy Water:

A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

Hymn:

A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that
of the congregation's range.

Incense:

Holy Smoke!

Jesuits:

An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with
good basketball teams.

Jonah:

The original "Jaws" story.

Justice:

When your children have kids of their own.

Kyrie Eleison:

The only Greek words that most Catholics an recognize besides gyros and baklava.

Magi:

The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

Manger:
1- Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
2- The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

Pew:

A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

Procession:

The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar
servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

Recessional:

The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass—lead by
parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

Relics:

People who have been going to Mass for so long that they actually know
when to sit, kneel, and stand.

Ten Commandments:

The most important Top Ten list not produced by David Letterman.

Ushers:

The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

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XX - Adult Puns!

A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory.
After two months she gave the boss a two-week notice.
The boss was quite unhappy to let her go, since she was hard working,
knew her tasks etc.
He called her into his office.
"But why?" he asked.
"Nothin', I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly.
"Look, I'll give you a raise."
"No," she said.
"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me why."
"Okay if you must know..." said the girl, and she took off her
underwear and pointed to her pubic hair,
"Look! I haven't had this before. It's the broom's bristles, I tell you..."
Tickled by her youthful innocence, he too took off his underwear and
showed his, and said,
"Ha ha... My dear... it's nature. Look! I have it too."
"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only
do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as w ell!"

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting.
Their task for the day is to each stand up in turn, speak their name,
and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed.
The first prisoner stands and says,
"My name is Gabe and I'm in for murder."
Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting
his wrongdoing. The next guy stands up and says,
"My name is Rich and I'm in for armed robbery."
Again, there is a round of approving looks.
This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy.
He stands up and says,
"My name is Eli, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for."
The group leader says,
"Now, come on Eli, you have to admit it to us to make any progress.
Tell us what you did." "Ok then," agrees Eli, "I'm in for fornicating
with dogs."
Everyone is disgusted.
One in the group shouts out,
"That's sick! How low can you go!?!"
"Chihuahuas", replies Eli .

How are an actor and a rabbi different?
You might want to take a look at the actor's collection of clippings.

A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical island.
For twenty years he never sees another human being.
Then, one day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes
half-ripped off, washes up on a piece of driftwood.
He explains to her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams,
and eating fruits and berries.
She says,
"Well, what did you do for love?"
He says, "Love? What's that?"
She says, "I'll show you."
She shows him.
Then, she shows him again.
Then, she shows him one more time.
When they're finally done, she says,
"Well, how do you like love?" He says,
"It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."

What's the difference between dark and hard?
It stays dark all night.

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Brains of Britain

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman:

What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant:

Homosexuals..

Jeremy Paxman:

No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston:

Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant:

Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston:

There's a clue in the title.

Contestant:

Leicester

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White:

Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:

I don't know.

Stewart White:

I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand
and your elbow?

Contestant:

Arm

Stewart White:

Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant:

Strong..

Stewart White:

Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant:

Louis

Stewart White:

Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What
A Wonderful World?

Contestant:

Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )

Alex Trelinski:

What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant:

France.

Trelinski:

France is another country. Try again.

Contestant:

Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski:

Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant:

Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski:

Just guess a country then.

Contestant:

Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson:

Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books
about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant:

The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark:

For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis:

I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne:

What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant:

Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter:

What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant:

I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER )

Phil:

What's 11 squared?

Contestant:

I don't know.

Phil:

I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant:

Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:

Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant:

Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:

On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant:

Er. ... ....

Richard:

He makes bread . . .

Contestant:

Er .. .......

Richard:

He makes cakes . . .

Contestant:

Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter:

Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant:

Barcelona.

Presenter:

I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant:

I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question:

What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant:

The Pacific..

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

Presenter:

Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous
painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

Contestant:

Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre:

What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant:

Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien:

How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant:

Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .. ER. ER ... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Chris Searle:

In which European country is Mount Etna ?

Caller:

Japan.

Chris Searle:

I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I
can let you try again.

Caller:

Er ............ Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

Paul Wappat:

How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (long pause):

Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham:

In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant:

Holland?

Daryl Denham:

Try the next letter of the alphabet..

Contestant:

Iceland? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully)

It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant:

No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood:

What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant:

Er... ...... ...

Phil Wood:

It's got two syllables . . . Kor ..

Contestant:

Blimey?

Phil Wood:

Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .

Contestant:

(Silence)

Phil Wood:

OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I .. . ..

Contestant:

Walked?

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes:

What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall
asleep at any time?

Contestant:

Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter:

What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant:

Jewish.

Presenter:

That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright:

Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.. Which jungle-swinging character
clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant:

Jesus.

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X-Rated Bumper Stickers-X

Constipated people don't give a sh*t.

Practice safe sex, go fu*k yourself.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

If that phone was up your a$$, maybe you could drive a little better.

My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

Thank you for pot smoking.

To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

Horn broken...watch for finger.

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my a$$.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole

DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

And the #1 bumper sticker of the week....Honk If You Want To See My Finger

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XX - Adult Puns!

As the subject lines says - ADULT

Best firewall Ever:
1. One human cell contains: 75MB genetic information.
2. One sperm contains: half of that; that is 37.5MB.
3. One ml of semen contains: 100 million sperms.
4. In average, ejaculation lasts for 5 sec and contains: 2.25 ml semen.
5. This means that the throughput of a man's member is equal to:
(37.5MB x 100,000,000 x 2.25)/5 = 1 687 500 000 000 000 byte/second =
1,6875 Terabyte/sec
This means that the female egg cell withstands this DDoS attack at 1.5
terabyte per second, and only lets through one(!) data package,
thereby being the best freaking hardware firewall in the world!
The downside of it is that only THIS small data package that it lets
through, hangs the system for the whole of 9 months!

Elin Nordegren moved to the top of the money list on the PGA tour
today after 'beating' the world's #1 golfer.
The win came after the top golfer played the wrong hole.

A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots.
She downs the first one,
"This is for the shame," and then the second one,
"This is for the glory."
She then orders two more shots.
She drinks the first one,
"This is for the shame" and then the second one,
"This is for the glory."
She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her.
"Ma'am, I was just wondering, what's this about shame and glory?"
"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent
over to pick something up, my Great Dane mounted me from behind."
"That must be the shame," the bartender said.
"No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked together and
he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes."

Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can't even get into my own pants

Young Pauly found a girlfriend, but neither one of them knew what to
do about sex (one would have thought it's intuitive, but there you
have it).;
They went to Maury for advice, and Maury told the young woman to
undress and get on the bed and he would show them what to do.
The young woman undressed as she was told by Maury and preceded to get
on the bed.; Experienced Maury then began to show them the steps
involved in making love, in every possible position.;
When he was finished, he said to Pauly,
"Now you can take her home and practice what I have shown you."
The young woman said,
"Wait a minute Maury, show him again what to do... ; he is a little forgetful."

Every time I sit down to try to take a dump, I start reading the
newspaper and end up forgetting to do my business.
I think might I have: Attention Defecate Disorder.

At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself.
He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was
playing herself furiously.
He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help.
She welcomed his help, and so the man started playing her like crazy.
When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go
back to work on herself with both hands.
"Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.
"Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"

The members of a certain Indian tribe had a custom.
If they weren't married, rather than defile the young tribes-women
sexually, they would go and satisfy their sexual needs by their own
hands, aiming their discharge at small, round hills.
These were known as semen knolls.

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