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Monday, August 28, 2006

CHILDBIRTH THROUGH A CHILD'S EYES

Due to a power cut at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark,so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight highover her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again."

THE STORY OF TWO COWS

DUBAI SYSTEM: You have two cows. You create a website for them and advertise them in all the magazines. You create a Cow City or Milk Town for them. You sell off their milk before the cows have even been milked to both legit and shady investors who hope to resell the nonexistent milk for a 100% profit in two years time. You bring Tiger Woods to milk the cows first to attract attention. QATARI SYSTEM: You have two cows. They've been sitting there for decades and no one realized that cows could produce milk. You see what Dubai is doing; you go crazy and start milking the heck out of the cows in the shortest time possible. Then you realize no one wanted the milk in the first place.SAUDI SYSTEM: Since milking the cow involves nipples the Gov't decides to ban all cows in public. The only method to milk a cow is to have a cow on one side of a curtain and a guy milking the cow on the other or to hire females and train them to milk the cows .. the debate is still going on.BAHRAINI SYSTEM: You have two cows. Some high Gov't official steals one, milks it, sells the milk and pockets the profit. The Gov't tells you that there is just one cow and not enough milk for the people. The people riot and scream death to the Gov't and carry Iranian flags. The Parliament, after thinking for 11 months, decides to employ ten Bahrainis to all milk the cow at the same time and so cutting back on unemployment. LEBANESE SYSTEM: You have two cows. One is owned by Syria and the other is controlled by Hizbollah. EGYPTIAN SYSTEM: You have two cows. Both are mummies! AMERICAN SYSTEM: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.FRENCH SYSTEM: You have two cows. You go on strike because you wanted three cows. RUSSIAN SYSTEM: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.BRITISH SYSTEM: You have two cows. Both are mad. AUSTRALIAN SYSTEM: You have two cows. You give one to the Americans and one to the British and you go back to milking sheep.INDIAN SYSTEM: You have a garland made, photo taken and pray when the cow is run over by a rickshaw. Basically you worship them and treat them like shit.

SRI LANKA SYSTEM

You have two cows. One was the Prime Minister the other was the President.

Funnies..

Dog Watch

Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"
Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."

The Boss

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
"Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it. . . ."

Time

SURD: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?" MAN: "It's 3:15." SURD: (puzzled look on his face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

The Burnt Ears
One day a man was going on the street. He met a man who asked him what had happened to his ears as both ears covered with bandages. (image placeholder)
He said: "I was ironing my clothes when the phone bell rang. Instead of picking up the phone, i pick up the iron, so i burnt my ear."
The man asked "So what happened to your other ear?"
He said "That same stupid guy called again"

Only for blondes

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth."I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies."O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife."No, no boyfriend either.""Do you have a partner then?""No, I`m not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black.""Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black.""Oh, I`m very sorry," says the midwife, "that`s really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.""Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy.""Oh, I`m sorry," the midwife repeats, "that`s really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes.""Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!""What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked."Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

Drunk, drunker, drunken...

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for,
I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch".
"We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking round pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian.
"Well just relax and let it happen" And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that bee reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're sh*tting in bed!"

NO SEX SINCE 1955

NO SEX SINCE 1955A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala Event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.She said "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?""Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious Manner.Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,"You think so? It's only 2130 now."LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME!!

The end of Geico commercials.........

Now, where can I find that damn duck??

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Proof That The World Is Nuts:

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animalsmust be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable bydeath. (Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but isprohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may onlysee their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* *~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside anddeflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the firsttime.Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that evencomes close to this?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, (image placeholder)but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand,may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fishstores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the firsttime this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and herdaughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with oneexception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "inplaces where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight andalways falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of???)
(Did the government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some peple like that)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

IT IS NOT A STORY BUT A TRUE INCIDENT THAT HAPPENED IN AMERICA.....

An Indian man walks into a bank in New York City andasks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officerthat he is going to India on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.The bank officer tells him that the bank will needsome form of security for the loan, so the Indian manhands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on thestreet in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees toaccept the car as collateral for the loan.The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a goodlaugh at the Indian for using a $250,000 Ferrari ascollateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of thebank then drives the Ferrari into the bank'sunderground garage and parks it there.Two weeks later, the Indian returns, repays the $5,000and the interest, which comes to $15.41.The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had yourbusiness, and this transaction has worked out verynicely,but we are a little puzzled. While you wereaway, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would youbother to borrow "$5,000"The Indian replies: "Where else in New York City can Ipark my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expectit to be there when I return'"Ah, the mind of the Indian.......This is why India is shining.......

FW: Riddles

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. Same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?

A. For traction in the mud.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A. They don't have balls to scratch!

Security Tips ...

1. When using three wheelers check under the seat for claymore mines; these
are easily identifiable by the manufacturer's label saying 'This side
towards enemy'.

2. If, when shopping, the South African cricket team or any of its members
enters the building leave rapidly - they are under a situational threat.

3. When asked by the sentries at checkpoints whether you are carrying
bombs, do not reply in the affirmative.

4. When walking on the road in wet weather do not suddenly drop your
umbrella from the vertical to avoid being splashed by all 17 vehicles of a
VVIP's convoy.

5. Under any circumstances do not pretend your umbrella is a gun.

6. If you have small children - do not send them to school until the war is
over.

7. If you are an orphan do not attend two day first aid camps in
Sennacholai.

8. Carry your business cards loosely on your person so that in the event of
a violent explosion they will scatter far and wide giving the firm free
publicity on your death.

9. If you see a VVIP motorcade (5 motor bikes, 2 cars, 10 Jeeps + Limo)
while you are driving, drive on to the shoulder of the road and let them pass. If you are
caught in a traffic jam with them, abandon vehicle and run.

9. Always take a file home. In the event of being caught in a security
related traffic jam sit down in a safe place and do some work.

10. When driving and confronted by a violent situation crawl out of the car
or get on the floorboards. If you own a Maruti follow normal procedure.

11. Do not fly the Eelam flag in Colombo or the Lion flag in uncleared
areas. If you're not sure if the area is cleared or not, fly both flags.

12. Do not join the SLMM.

13. Do not accept lifts from strangers with moustaches and evil grins -
they could be Prabhakaran... or Mahinda.

14. Drink, then you wont feel your skin burn.

15. Migrate (other than to Canada. Next Eelam struggle will be there)

The Young Priest

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony!!"

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"However," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, son, but that flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell', just can't stay on the church roof!"

XX - Emotion

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc. On the night of the party, the

First guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.

He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" The guy says, "I'm green with NV".

The host replies, "Brilliant come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa

wrapped around her most intimate parts.

He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" She replies, "I'm tickled pink."

The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick,

standing stark naked, one with his willy in a bowl of custard and the other with his willy stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street.

Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?"

Paddy replies, "Welllll, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair"

FW: How it works in Washington

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" $1,000 for me and $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Tennessee."

XX - Senses

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go into my apartment; I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him,

"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

Chinese humor

An American, a Japanese and a Chinese went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted. When they came upon a small lake which was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their " freedom".

As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Japanese quickly used their hands to cover their privates. But the Chinese covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on. The American and the Japanese asked the Chinese why he covered his face rather than his private part.

The Chinese replied, "I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the face that people recognize.

FW: INDIANS !

A recently arrived Sardar in the US, wanting to earn some money, decides
to become a 'handy-man' and starts looking for some work in an upmarket
colony nearby.

He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner,
another Indian, if he had any odd jobs for him to do. "Well, you can you paint my
porch," the owner says.

The Sardar responds, "How about $50?"
The owner says "Fine - there's a can of brown paint and brushes in the
garage."

The owner's wife, inside the house, overhearing the conversation says to
her husband, "Does he realise that the porch goes all around the house?
That's a whole day's job."
The man replies, "He should; he was standing on it. Do you think he's
dumb?"

"No, I don't think so. I guess I'm just influenced by those stupid Surd
email jokes we keep receiving."

A short time later, the Sardar comes to the door and asks for the $ 50.
"You've finished already?" the husband asks.
"Yes," he replies, "and there was some paint left over, so I gave it two
coats."
Impressed, the man reaches into his pocket for the money and hands it to
him.

"And by the way," the Turbanator adds, "it's not a Porch, it's a BMW!"

FW: JOB INTERVIEW.. OH THOSE IRISH

An Irishman applies for a job which requires a compulsory maths test. " Right", said the Foreman, "here's your first question."

"Without using numbers, how would you represent the number 9?"

"Without numbers " said the Irishman, "Dat's easy" and draws three trees on the piece of paper.

"What's this? the boss asks.

"Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine." says the Irishman

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Applying the same rules, using 99 this time."

The Irishman stares into space for a little while, then picks up the picture he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dare you go "

The Foreman scratches his head and says ,"how the devil do you get that to represent 99?"

"Well", said paddy, " each tree is dirty now, so that's dirty-tree and dirty-tree and dirty-tree which makes 99"

The boss starts to get worried now that he might have to give him the job. "O.K. " he says, "Final question, same rules apply now represent 100".

The Irishman ponders for a while, then picks up the picture again and makes a mark at the base of each tree.” ere you go, data’s it. One Hundred."

The boss looks at the picture and bursts out," You must be nuts if you think I'll believe that represents 100"

The Irishman leans forward, points to the little marks at the bottom of each tree and says,"Dat's where a little dog has crapped by each tree, so now you've got dirty-tree and a turd, dirty-tree and a turd and dirty-tree and a turd and DAT equals 100. When do I start the job"

No Sex Since 1955

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala Event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies In attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little.

Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious Manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,

"You think so? It's only 2130 now."

LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME!!

FW: Honeymoon with the ex-priest

On their honeymoon, Susie slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new ex-priest husband had settled down on the couch.

When Susie asked Jim why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent."

In tears, Susie remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

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