Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXX ADULT PUNS

A neurotic young playboy named Gleason
Liked boys for no tangible reason
A frontal lobotomy
All but cured him of sodomy
But ruined his plans for the season.

A friend of mine recently had a nose job and penis enlargement surgery
the same day.
Something must have gone wrong,
Because
I saw him today and he looked like an angry anteater.

Garbage men come once a week.

Tom in deep thoughts is sitting calm, very quiet.
Jerry asks,
"What is wrong with you, Tom?"
"Please don't ask."
"I am your childhood friend. Talk to me."
"My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant."
"That's not possible."
"No, he did."
"How's that possible?"
"He punctured my condoms!"

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

A newlywed couple who were both avid baseball fans attended a game at Sox Park.
They were still on their honeymoon and very affectionate, hugging and
kissing so much that they weren't able to follow the game.
After a couple of seconds of thought the wife says,
"I've got an idea, honey. You kiss me on the strikes and I'll kiss you
on the balls."

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Naughty girls have sex all over the place

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa
found two bottles of MALE DRIVE® in his son's medicine cabinet.
He asked his grandson about taking the pills, and his grandson said,
"I don't think you should take one; they work extremely well and very fast!"
"How much is a bottle?" asked Grandpa.
"$29.95" answered the son.
"That's an incredible price," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try it, and
I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00
bill."
The next morning the grandson found $130.00 under his pillow.
He said to his Grandpa,
"I told you they cost $29.95, not $130."
"I know," said Grandpa.
"The hundred is from Grandma."

Vibrators are better than men.
It always is hard.

The fisherman called his guide on his mobile phone to make
arrangements for the following day.
"I'm going fishing and I need two punts and a canoe," he said.
When he arrived, there were two tarty looking women waiting for him at
the fishing lodge.
"What the bloody hell is this?" he asked his guide.
"Well," replied the guide, "when you phoned, I was in the bar and
there was a great deal of noise on the line. I managed to get a coupe
of the local ladies, but what in the hell is a panoe?"

Old is when if the pill works,
You call everyone you know with the good news!

I knew Carrie was into some strange shit,
But
It wasn't until the tidal wave of lukewarm, fermented urine hit me
that I realized she wasn't joking when she said she had a can-o'-pee
bed.

They will pass out free condoms, you know,
But not sex toys for women, and so
If a dildo's desired,
It can sure be acquired,
But you'll need to use cash called dil-dough.

Read More...

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Fwd: Barack Obama and the psychic

Barack Hussein
Obama, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a
Psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently
reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: "You will die on a
Jewish holiday."

"Which one?'" Obama asks
nervously.

"It doesn't matter." replied the psychic. "Whenever you
die, it'll be a Jewish holiday."

Read More...

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Fwd: Amazing Home Remedies ...

Amazing Home Remedies ...

*THESE REALLY WORK!!


*1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE
ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.*

*2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY
USING THE SINK. *

*3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED
FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.
REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.*

*4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU
FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE
BUTTON.*

*5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN
YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.*

*6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.
IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.
IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.*

*7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.*

*THOUGHT for the day:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES -
NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN
THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS. *
* SOME ADDITIONAL ADVICE:*

*NEVER, NEVER, NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A LAXATIVE AND
SLEEPING PILLS ON THE SAME NIGHT*

Read More...

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Fwd: ... Today's Quotes ... Sarcasm

... Today's Quotes ... Sarcasm

Sarcasm Is Everywhere
A friend had an interesting experience recently.
On her way to work, she went to pick up her low-fat decaf from a café.
As she approached the counter, the attendant asked her what she'd like.
As usual, she placed her order.
On a whim, she asked the salesgirl,
"Aren't you having a great time here?"
The girl hardly looked at my friend, and responded,
"Yeah, I guess. Apart from meeting idiots, I have a great life. What
the heck! I live to serve."

Clearly, that was not the answer my friend was expecting.
However, later she learned that the waitress thought that my friend
was being sarcastic about her work.
It was a misunderstanding.
But the important lesson here is that people are so often hit by
sarcasm that they do not know how to differentiate between sarcasm and
a genuine compliment.

How to Spot Sarcasm
Sarcasm can be an underhand compliment, a snarky retort, or a curt jibe.
People often use sarcasm to vent their unhappiness.
Or to hurt others.
Some sarcastic comments are so subtle that you wouldn't be able to
tell the difference between a compliment and sarcasm.

Many famous actors and writers are known for sarcasm.
Groucho Marx was admired and feared for his in-your-face comebacks.
His words hardly ever missed the mark, and often kept inflated egos in check.

Mark Twain was especially famous for his witty sarcasm.

He earned quite a reputation for his tongue-in-cheek jabs at
educational institutions, and even religion and death.

Winston Churchill

and Oscar Wilde were also infamous for their famous putdowns.


When Sarcasm Works Like Magic
Sometimes you need to put people in their place.

Especially those Internet trolls, who have the
'I-can-write-whatever-I-want' attitude.

When logical debates and arguments lose their sheen, you can resort to sarcasm.

If you want to use sarcasm to end a pointless argument, or to cut down
a narcissist to size, use these funny sarcastic quotes.

With a biting retort, you can have the last word, and the last laugh.

Walter Kerr
Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever
enough to take indecent advantage of them.

Oscar Wilde
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what
I am saying.

Janeane Garofalo
I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is
always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And
chipped a tooth.

Fred Allen
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become
well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

Sir Winston Churchill
A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then
asks you not to kill him.

P. J. O'Rourke
After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not
for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd
have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.

Cal Thomas
Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula
to forsake blood.

Oscar Wilde
I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There
is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.

Satchel Paige
Don't look back -- something might be gaining on you.

Golda Meir
Don't be so humble -- you are not that great.

Jonathan Kellerman
Government is like junior high. Your status depends upon whom you're
able to persecute.

Salvador Dali
Have no fear of perfection -- you'll never reach it.

A. Whitney Brown
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants.

Victor Borge
I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the
hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.

Oscar Wilde
I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.

Ronald Reagan
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked
like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

Fred Allen
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Frank Lloyd Wright
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of
fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Billy Wilder
If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.

Mark Twain
It is better to be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove
all doubt.

Benny Hill
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

Aldous Huxley
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Oscar Wilde
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we
personally dislike.

Buddy Hackett
My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.

Jonathan Fuerbringer
One of the hardest things to imagine is that you are not smarter than average.

Albert Einstein
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and
I'm not sure about the former.

Read More...

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Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXXX ADULT PUNS

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Didja hear about the slutty soprano?
She'll always duet for a tenor.
She hangs out in bars under a rest because she's A minor.
No wonder she's always in such treble.

Kids born in whorehouses are;
Brothel sprouts.

A dude went into the drug store and asked to buy a rubber.
The clerk told him he doesn't sell condoms one at a time, he only
sells packages of 6, 8 or 12.
The dude asks,
"Why is that?"
The clerk said,
"Well, I don't make any money off these things, but I carry them for
my regular customers. Anyway, that's how they buy them."
The dude asks,
"But why 6, 8, or 12?"
The clerk answered,
"Well, those packs of six are for my Mexican customers. You know, they
do it six days a week and rest on the Sabbath."
He asked about the pack of eight.
The clerk replied,
"Those are for my black customers. You know, they do it seven days a
week -- and twice on Sunday."
He then asked,
"And the packs of twelve?"
"Oh, That's for my married white customers. You know, January, February, March."

Vibrators are better than men.
It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must
have designed the human body.
One said,
"It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said,
"No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many
thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said,
"No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run
a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains

Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were
approaching two tampons.
Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other,
"Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?"
The other pad responded,
"Err, nah. They're stuck up bitches."

My house-mate got so much junk mail and offers for stuff, he started
using an alias when he replied,
"Heywood Jablome".

A middle class gentleman decided one week before Halloween to have a
party on Halloween night.
The theme of the party was that you must have a costume that
represents an emotion.
The word spread quickly, and since anybody was welcome, it was sure to
be a big party.
On the night of the party, the house was filled with people, a brown
costume for the shitty mood, a multicolored costume for premenstrual
syndrome, and many others both interesting as well as funny.
The man continuously received knocks on the door, and always let the
person in, regardless of their taste in costume.
Once again, a knock rapped on his door, and he opened it.
A beautiful woman stepped in, wearing a red dress with ruffled sleeves.
"You look beautiful tonight Miss, what is your emotion?," the man asked.
"I'm red with anger.," said the woman.
The man smiled and let her in to join the others in the party.
Five minutes later another knock on the door came, and he opened it,
to have another beautiful woman in a green dress step in.
"What are you supposed tTo be, my pretty?," the man asked.
"I'm green,... Green with envy.," said the woman.
"Quite clever!" said the man.
He stepped aside to allow her to enter.
Two minutes later, another tapping on the door came.
He opened it, and in front of him stood a 6'6", naked, smelly, hairy man.
On the end of his erected penis stood a pear.
"I hears you got yourself a party.," said the stranger.
"That is correct,...," said the man, trying to keep his cool.
"What are you supposed to be?"
The naked stranger looked down on the man and, in a booming voice, replied,
"I'm screwing despair!"

Detectives do it under cover.

You'd think my friend would be more open to taking my advice and
seeing a psychiatrist about his erection problems.
After all, I'm the one who took him to the hospital that night his
doll exploded.

I farted in the Apple Store and everyone got pissed.
Not my fault they don't have Windows.

A young man from Bethnall Green
Wasn't weaned until nearly sixteen.
He said, "I'll admit
There's no milk in the tit,
But think of the fun it has been."

Read More...

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Fwd: The Irish way ..

The Irish way ..

Enjoy ...
I just love the Irish approach ...

A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to him in the town of
Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a
stretch-limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a
bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no
object;
In fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait
while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned.
"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said, "The
wife says it's okay.

"I'll paint ya in DA nude all right, but I has to at least leave me
socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes."...

Read More...

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Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXX ADULT PUNS

A neurotic young playboy named Gleason
Liked boys for no tangible reason
A frontal lobotomy
All but cured him of sodomy
But ruined his plans for the season.

Period Piece:
What a husband gets when he can't wait a few more days for sex

The bar was getting ready to close,
So, Bob asked the nearest woman,
"What would you say to a little 'oral' activity?"
"That all depends," she quickly responded, "Your face, or mine?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Foul Language and Violence on my VCR?

The fisherman called his guide on his mobile phone to make
arrangements for the following day.
"I'm going fishing and I need two punts and a canoe," he said.
When he arrived, there were two tarty looking women waiting for him at
the fishing lodge.
"What the bloody hell is this?" he asked his guide.
"Well", replied the guide, "when you phoned, I was in the bar and
there was a great deal of noise on the line. I managed to get a couple
of the local ladies, but what in the hell is a panoe?"

Firemen do it with a big hose.

Gary, a traveling salesman once got caught up in a blizzard and got
shelter with a farmer who had three daughters.
The farmer called him aside and told him,
"Young man, I have three daughters, so stay in your room the whole
night and no tricks, be warned."
In the morning, Gary, the salesman came down and the farmer asked him,
"How was your night, young man?"
"Oh! Slept like a rabbit. Thanks for your hospitality; I will never forget it."
The farmer felt very happy and at the bar that night mentioned this
fact to his close friend.
He was boasting what a good father he had been by keeping his
daughters away from trouble.
His friend laughed aloud and said,
"You fool! A rabbit does not sleep at night. It goes from hole to hole
the whole night!"

Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack

Bob was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports
pages or transfixed by the television screen.
One night, as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game,
she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the TV.
"Hey," Bob shouted, "what do you think you are doing?"
"I'm sick of sports, I'm sick of TV," she replied. "You haven't
touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!"
"OK, OK. So," he asked after a moment, "how often do you think Robert
Griffin III gets laid?"

A wife made to order can't compare with a ready maid.

All eyes turned to stare as Suzanne, a gorgeous redhead walked into
the costume party stark naked.
The alarmed host rushed to intercept her.
"Where's your costume?" he hissed through clenched teeth.
"This is it," she calmly explained.
"I came as Adam."
"Adam?" her host exploded.
"You don't even have a dick!"
"Well gee, I just got here," she replied. "Give me a few minutes!"

Vibrators are better than men.
When we're done with them we can stuff them back in the drawer and not
hear from them until we're ready.

The young hooker reports for her first day at the brothel.
The madam says to her,
" Do you have any questions?"
The hooker replies,
"Yes, I was wondering how long penises should be sucked?"
The madam says,
"The same as the short ones".

Old is when 'getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

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Fwd: The Blue Pigeon - very incorrect!!!!!!!!

The Mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in
the City Centre. He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London
was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on
the pavements, or drive on the roads.

It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements
clean.


One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a
proposition.


'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to
the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any
questions.

Or, you can pay me one million pounds to ask one
question.'


The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free
proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened
his coat, and
released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and
flew up into the bright blue London
sky.


All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in
the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed
the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the
city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of
Nelson's Column


The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had
performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the
plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged
nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million pounds and
told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though
they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he
decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE
question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE
question.


The mayor asked:
'Do you have a blue Muslim ??

Read More...

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Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXX ADULT PUNS

There was a young woman in Dee
Who stayed with each man she did see.
When it came to a test
She wished to be best,
And practice makes perfect, you see.

American beer is like having sex in a canoe.
It's fuckin' close to water!

Bill's friend Harry went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey
sitting by herself at the bar,
So, he asked her to dance.
She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one.
While they were cheek to cheek, Harry said,
"You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"
The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5.
Then wanting to return the compliment, she said,
"You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"
Honest Harry replied:
"Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."

For some reason, the Las Vegas security people didn't think my putting
the giant Baby Ruth candy bars in the commodes was funny.
After all, I was just trying to sweeten the pot.

Vibrators are better than men.
They don't get tired after the first time.

A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on their way from New
York to California.
Looking at his fuel gauge, the man decided to stop at the next
gasoline station and fill up.
"What can I do fer y'all?" the attendant asked.
"Fill it with supreme," the man said.
While the attendant was filling the tank, he looked the car up, down
and sideways.
"What kinda car is dis'here?" he asked. "I never seen one like it before."
"It's a brand new Cadillac," the driver said proudly.
"It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors,
AM/FM radio with a CD player, an 8-speaker stereo, rack and pinion
steering, disk brakes, leather interior, digital instruments, a DVD
player in the dash, etc."
"Wow," said the attendant. "That there's the fanciest car I ever did see."
"How much do I owe you?" asked the driver when the attendant had finished.
"That'll be $30.25," he replied.
The driver pulled out his money clip and peeled off a $20 and a $10.
Then he went into his pocket and pulled out a handful of change.
Mixed in with the change were a few golf tees.
"What're them little things there?" asked the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," said the man.
"Goodness," said the attendant. "Them Cadillac people think of everything."

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men --
"don't" and "stop" -- unless they are used together.

At the retreat, Jane and Joe were told to individually write a
sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'
Jane wrote:
'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one
another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much,
just like Joe and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them
to engage in the act of physical sex with one another.'
And Joe wrote:
'I love sex.'

On their wedding night, his new wife asked if any of his ancestors had
ridden with Paul Revere.
When he asked why, she explained,
"I was just wondering if minute men ran in your family."

During the wedding reception in the family's southern mansion, the
bride's Granddaddy slipped her five $100 bills and told her that it
was for her and to keep it for "mad money,
So, she stuffed them in her gloves
By family tradition, the couple spent their first night together in
their historic plantation house.
Later that night, after all the guests had left, the bride's
Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs, and asked where she was
going.
"I left my gloves in the library, Grandma, and it's important that I have them."
"Oh you youngsters!" the Grandmother sighed. "You march yourself right
back upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing with your bare hands
just like I did your Grandfather's."

Acupuncturists do it with a small prick.

Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.
When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the
other and said:
"Did you notice the small dicks on the rich kids?"
The other answered:
"Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play with!"

I don't hear very well on the phone, and I wouldn't have changed phone
companies if I had realized the lady wasn't saying that I would
definitely prefer her cervix.

There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.

Read More...

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Fwd: Smile it's contagious ... Adultish

XXX Smile it's contagious ... Adultish

Ah Chai and his wife go visit a marriage counselor.

First, the wife speaks to the counsellor alone.
The counselor asks,
"You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"
The wife replies,
"It's my husband, he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he
continues!"
"How does he drive you crazy?"
"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things.
First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and
refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."
The marriage counselor is amused,
"Anything else?"
"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public !"
"Hmm, anything else?"
The wife hesitates,
"Whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a
while, I'd like to be in control !"
"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

So, the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters.
The counselor tells him,
"Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy and she might even
leave you."
The husband looks shocked,
"WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always
given her what she wants! What could be her problem?"
The counselor explains,
"She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy.
First, you're always acting strange in public, looking at the floor
and never going near anyone else."
Ah Chai looks concerned,
"Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told
me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."
"What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"
The counselor looks amused,
"Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause
anyone else to get angry."
The husband looks sheepish,
"Oh.That's what he meant. Okay."
The counselor continues,
"And you keep picking your nose in public."
"Well, it's another thing my father specifically commanded me to do!
He told me to always keep my nose clean."
The counselor looks faint,
"That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."
"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.
"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during
your lovemaking."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father
commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."
"What did he say?"
Ah Chai replies:
"In his dying breath, he said. "Son, Don't ever FUCK UP………… !"

Read More...

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Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXXX ADULT PUNS

The old Senator said, with compunction,
"I've been served with a formal injunction.
I lied, cheated and stole,
To achieve my own goal;
My sins caused 'electile' dysfunction!"

Old is when sweetie says,
'Let's go upstairs and make love,'
And you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

Overheard a conversation next door today with the milf telling her
friend she was about off to have 20 minutes with the cucumber on the
couch before her husband came home.
Very disappointing when I nipped over the fence and peered through the
widow, to find her on the couch fully clothed and two slices on her
eyes?

Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free.

"You haven't completed the 'Sexual Orientation' box," said the interviewer.
"I know," I replied, "I didn't understand the question."
"Well," he explained, "if you find women sexually attractive, you are
heterosexual. If it's men, you're homosexual. If you find both
attractive, you're bisexual. And if you aren't attracted to men or
women, you are asexual."
"Put down 'asexual' then" I replied, gazing longingly at his border collie.

Give a man porn and he'll masturbate for a day.
Give a man a wife and he'll masturbate for a lifetime.

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.
Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told
him that he had some good news and some bad news.
"The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancee has an particular
strain of gonorrhoea that I have only heard of once before."
The guy paled.
"If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?"
"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about
this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."

Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra

Mr. Smith comes to his wife,
"Honey, could you be sewing on a wee button that's come off of my fly?
I cannot button my pants."
"Oh Dear... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see
if Mrs. Jones could be helping you with it."
About five minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of
yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.
Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Mr. Smith.
Mrs. Smith looks at him and says,
"My god, what happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Yeah," says Mr. Smith. "I asked her to sew on the wee button and she
did. Everything was going fine but when she bent on to bite off the
wee thread, Mr. Jones walked in."

Vibrators are better than men.
It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard.

Yankee:
The same as a quickie,
But
A guy can do it alone.

I once had a lady friend, Rose,
Double-jointed she was I suppose.
And I watched fascinated,
As Rose masturbated;
Herself with the tip of her nose.

Read More...

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Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXXX ADULT PUNS



A street singer was arrested while playing his guitar.
He was caught fingering A minor.

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day.
The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but
she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked,
"How do you give shoulders?"

Vibrators are better than men.
They're happy to keep going until we're satisfied.

The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening
as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment.
The fellow said,
"Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me, do you have any special
fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
fetish, but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches!"

An orchestra conductor is like a condom.
It's safer with one, but more fun without.

Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as
their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.
They hear her say,
"Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!"
The six-year-old says to his brother,
"Then he must be screwing' her up the ass!"

Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Naughty girls make you wear high heels

The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being
sworn in as American citizens.
"It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens at
last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?"
"Yes, you filthy chauvinist pig," his wife, replied. "Tonight, you
cook the damn dinner and I get on top!"

Old is when you make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you
get in bed with your spouse.



A Redneck is sitting on a rather empty train across from a good
looking girl wearing a tight mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.
To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.
The girl realizes he is staring and asks,
"Are you looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," says the Redneck as he promises to divert his eyes.
"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch
this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.
The Redneck, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the
'wonder pussy' can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman.
The Redneck stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.
The Redneck moves over.
The woman is now visibly horny and asks the Redneck,
"Would you like to push a couple of your fingers in?"
Stunned, the Redneck replies,
"What! It can whistle, too?"

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet.

I explained to the proctologist that my wife and I were making love on
the couch and the channel changer just got in the way,
But
He said the odds were pretty remote.

Gardeners do it in the bushes.

There was a young maiden called Flynn
Who thought fornication a sin
But when she was tight
It seemed quite all right
So, everyone filled her with gin.

Read More...

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Fwd: Confucius says: The Top 10 Quotes by Confucius ...

The Top 10 Quotes by Confucius ...


Confucius, whose name literally means "Master Kong", lived 551-479 BCE.
He was a Chinese thinker and philosopher, whose teachings have deeply
influenced not only Asian thought and life.
He presented himself as a "transmitter who invented nothing" and he
really pointed out the importance of learning, which is one reason he
is seen by Chinese people as "The Greatest Master".

One of the best known sources of Confucius are The Analects, a
collection of his teachings, which was compiled many years after his
death.
A fountain of extremely mindful quotes springs from these ancient descriptions.

Many of them are universal and timeless in their beautiful and simple
truth and they are as valid today as on the day they left Confucius'
mouth.
Here we take a look at 10 of the most inspiring quotes by Confucius.

Confucius says …

1. "Never impose on others what you would not choose for yourself."

It's the "Golden Rule" and the essence of real compassion .
Not compassion as in looking down on someone and have pity for
another, this is no real compassion.
Compassion means seeing another person 100% equal to yourself (in
value, not in differentials on the surface which ultimately do not
matter).

In fact, it is seeing yourself in every other person.
And therefore you cannot harm anyone without also harming yourself.

It doesn't mean to lose individuality or self-worth, on the contrary –
but the other person earns the same gift.

2. "Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance."

That's my personal favourite quote since it expresses something very
profound which also is very useful to know:
Ignorance is a willful neglect or refusal to acquire knowledge.

It is not widen one's own perspective in order to see a broader truth.
As an example it would be to have racist thoughts and not realizing
that all men are equal.

The ultimate truth therefore is where there is absolutely no
ignorance, meaning where the perspective or consciousness has become
one with all that there is.
In Buddhism, ignorance (Avidyā) is seen as the primary cause of suffering.
Liberation is Enlightenment.

Another quote by Confucius here is
"Ignorance is the night of the mind, but a night without moon and star."

3. "I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand."

Those quotes are just perfect.
What he is expressing here is that we have to experience something
ourselves in order to really understand it.
If we are hearing something it might be interesting.
If we are seeing something it might be beautiful.
But only if we feel in happening to ourselves we can really know how it is.

Picture something nice as winning an Olympic gold medal or picture
something terrifying as the loss of a loved one.
Can you know this by hearing it or by seeing it?
Or do you have to do it and experience it yourself to really know it?

Along with this realization comes the awareness that you cannot
understand someone or his actions from hearing or seeing it from the
outside.
You have to feel empathic compassion for him to really know what it is like.
To know and not to do is really not to know.
Only by applying our knowledge we can validate it's harmony with
reality, it's truth.

4. "Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it."

Amazing.
It calls for dropping the inner mask through which we constantly see
and evaluate the world, distorted by our wants and belief-systems.
Here we have to look at things as they are.

Just like a newborn child would look at things.
Then we are able to really see again, without instant labeling of what
we see and therefore only really seeing our label.
If we become able to do this – just for a second without judgment, we
can see that everything in nature is as it should be.
And in this natural perfection lies beauty.

5. "The Superior Man is aware of Righteousness, the inferior man is
aware of advantage."

Another quote is "The object of the superior man is truth."
It is the value of integrity:
Do we act to our best knowledge of truth or do we bend ourselves and
violate our integrity in order to gain an advantage?
Do we play fair game or use perfidious tactics?

To be truthful to ourselves is also important to the development of
(good) character.
And it is the only straight way to liberation.

6. "Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart."

Whatever you do and whatever you commit to, do it fully, give your all
– one hundred percent.
It is the essence of Carpe Diem – 'Seizing the day' and it's surely
the best way to be satisfied with what we do and get the best results.

7. "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up
every time we do."

There is no failure, there are only valuable learning experiences.
Or as Thomas Edison about inventing the light bulb said:
"I have not failed, I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
The important thing is not giving up, but learning and then improving
by using this feedback to get better and ultimately succeed.

A quote expressing the same principle is
"A man who has committed a mistake and doesn't correct it, is
committing another mistake."

8. "He who learns but does not think, is lost. He who thinks but does
not learn is in great danger."

Confucius explains the connection of learning and reflection.
Reflection of that what we learned by thinking or of the results we
get by applying the knowledge.
"Study without reflection is a waste of time; reflection without study
is dangerous" is a similar quote by Confucius.

Learning is only useful if we connect the learning within our own
minds, with what we already know and what is useful for us.
This reflection of any knowledge also saves us from blindly following
any knowledge without checking its truthfulness and validity to us.

I think everybody experienced learning when we really want this
knowledge and interweave it with what we already know.
If there is a need or problem we want to solve, the consume knowledge
much more effective than it happens for students in many universities.

9. "He that would perfect his work must first sharpen his tools."

This quote calls for planning and preparation.
This includes getting and improving the personal skills we need to be
successful.
If we want to hold speeches we have to become good with communication skills.
If we want to win a race we have to train for it.
If we want to do a big project we need knowledge in project management.
Steven Covey calls it "Sharpening the saw," read about it here.

10. "If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong
there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?"

It shows that our primary work lies within ourselves: to work on
ourselves and improve will automatically take care of the outside
world if we use our abilities then.
"When we see men of a contrary character, we should turn inwards and
examine ourselves."
The solution to problems is not "out there".

It is the Inside-Out approach: success and happiness can only be found
by working on ourselves.
It also entails the spiritual message to look inside and to discover
ourselves fully.

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Fwd: SOME DAY' & 'ONE DAY'

'SOME DAY' & 'ONE DAY'

A friend of mine opened his wife's underwear drawer and picked up a
silk paper wrapped package:

'This,' he said 'isn't any ordinary package.'
He unwrapped the box and stared at both the silk paper and the box and
silk satin dresses inside.
'She got this the first time we went to New York, 8 or 9 years ago.
She has never put it on, she was saving it for a special occasion.
Well, I guess this is it.'

He got near the bed and placed the gift box next to the other clothing
he was taking to the funeral house, his wife had just died.
He turned to me and said:
'Never save something for a special occasion. Everyday in your life is
a special occasion.'

I still think those words changed my life.
Now I read more and clean less.

I sit on the porch without worrying about anything.
I spend more time with my family, and less at work.
I understood that life should be an experience to be lived up to, not
survived through.
I no longer keep anything.
I use crystal glasses every day.
I'll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket, if I feel like it.
I don't save my special cologne for special occasions, I use it
whenever I want to.

The words 'Someday....' and ' One Day...' are fading away from my dictionary.
If it's worth seeing, listening to, or doing, I want to see, listen or
do it now...
I don't know what my friend's wife would have done if she knew she
wouldn't be there the next morning; this nobody can tell.
I think she might have called her relatives and closest friends.
She might call old friends to make peace over past quarrels.

I'd like to think she would go out for Chinese, her favourite food.
It's these small things that I would regret not doing, if I knew my
time had come...

Each day, each hour, each minute is special!

Live for today,
For tomorrow
Is promised to no-one.

If you got this,
it's because someone cares for you and because,
Probably,
There's someone you care about.

If you're too busy to send this out to other people
And
You say to yourself that you will send it
'One of these days',
Remember that
'One day' is far away...
Or
Might never come...

Read More...

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Fwd: The Great Philosophers of This Century ...

The Great Philosophers of This Century ...
~ John Glenn...
As I hurtled through space,
One thought kept crossing my mind -
Every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ Desmond Tutu...
When the white missionaries came to Africa
They had the Bible and We had the land.
They said,
'Let us pray.'
We closed our eyes.
When we opened them,
We had the Bible and They had the land.

~ David Letterman...
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population
Believes that professional wrestling is real
But
The moon landing was faked.

~ Howard Hughes...
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire.
God dammit I'm a billionaire.

~ Jean Kerr...
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is
To test the strength of the lifeboats.

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor...
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take
out the garbage.

Jeff Foxworthy...
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

~ Prince Philip...
When a man opens a car door for his wife,
it's either a new car or a new wife.

~ Emo Philips...
A computer once beat me at chess,
But
It was no match for me at kick boxing.

~ Harrison Ford...
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

~ Spike Milligan...
The best cure for Sea Sickness is to sit under a tree.

~ Robin Hall...
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.

~ Jean Rostand...
Kill one man and you're a murderer.
Kill a million and you're a conqueror.

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Having more money doesn't make you happier.
I have 50 million dollars
But
I was just as happy when I had 48 million.

WH Auden...
We are here on earth to do good unto others.
What the others are here for,
I have no idea.

~ Jonathan Katz...
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the
furniture naked.

~ Johnny Carson...
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today
And
All the impersonators would be dead.

~ Jimmy Durante...
Home cooking.
Where many a man thinks his wife is.

~ George Roberts...
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

~ Jonathan Winters...
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to
the airport.

~ Robert Benchley...
I have kleptomania.
When it gets bad,
I take something for it.

Read More...

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Fwd: Drinking Beer Has Its Rewards

Drinking Beer Has Its Rewards ...

Sometimes, after playing golf, I reflect on all the beer I drink, I
feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery
and all of their hopes and dreams.
If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their
dreams would be shattered.
I think,
"It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than
be selfish and worry about my liver."
Babe Ruth

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink.
When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to
feel all day."
Winston Churchill


"When I read about the evils of drinking after golfing I gave up reading."
Paul Horning



"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.
Coincidence?
I think not."
H. L. Mencken

"When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin
When we commit no sin,
We go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
George Bernard Shaw

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
But
The wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry

BEER:
HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!
W. C. Fields


Remember
"I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey
To some it's a six-pack,
To me it's a Support Group.
Salvation in a can!
Leo Durocher
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this..
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the
back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the
regular killing of the weakest members!
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain
cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine!
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

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Fwd: Understanding Engineers,

Understanding Engineers,
9 Jokes ...

Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off
all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said,
"Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed,
"What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in,
"I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said,
"Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said,
"Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied,
"Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight
saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play
for free anytime!."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said,
"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said,
"Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see
if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said,
"Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks,
"Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks,
"How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks,
"How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks,
"Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must
have designed the human body.
One said,
"It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said,
"No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many
thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said,
"No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run
a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay
with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you
for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked,
"What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that
I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't
you kiss me?"
The engineer said,
"Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a
talking frog - now that's cool."

------------------------------------------
Two engineers???
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but
we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts,
and laid the pole down on the ground.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement,
and announced,
"Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed,
"A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are
currently serving in the United States Congress .

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Fwd: Makes a difference!

One day George was betting on the ponies nearly losing his shirt, when
he noticed a priest who had stepped out onto the track and blessed the
forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold,
this horse (a very long shot) won the race.


George was most interested to see what the priest did in the next race.
Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th
race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of
the horses. George made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet
on the horse. Again, though another long shot, the horse won.


George collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse
the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed,
blessed a horse. George bet on it and won!


George was elated. As the day went on, the priest continued blessing
one of the horses and it always came in first. George began to pull in
some serious money and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were
going to come true. He made a quick stop at the bank and withdrew every
penny he owned, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him
which horse to place the bet on.


True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the
last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the
horses. George placed his bet -- every cent he owned -- and watched the
horse come in last. George was dumbfounded!


He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded,
"What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The
last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I've lost my life savings
thanks to you!"


The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you
Protestants."


"You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last
Rites."

Read More...

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Fwd: A little light humour ...

XXXXX


Little Johnny meets Barack Obama...

Barack Obama was visiting a school in North Carolina, a fourth grade class.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the
discussion on the word 'tragedy.'

So, the President asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'

One little boy stood up and offered:
"If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field, and
a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Obama, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand:

"If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing
everyone, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent.

No other child volunteered.

Obama searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher held her breath.

In a quiet voice he said:



"If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly
fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell
wouldn't be a great loss... And you can bet your ass it wouldn't be an
accident either!

*The teacher fainted…..*
IN GOD WE TRUST!

Choir boy ...

An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating

He said, "What are you doing father?"

"It's called masturbating, my son" the priest replied, "You'll be
doing this soon."

"Why's that father ?" he asked.

"Because my wrist is killing me" the priest replied.



The Blonde ...

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under
the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold
to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked,
'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it was hers.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under
that shade tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't
hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog
wants to have sex!'
(You gotta love this)....
The blonde looked at the cop and said,

'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

Read More...

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Fwd: Thoughts on Sex ...

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz
380SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are
unimportant."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men
are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I
know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences
money can buy."
Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-..aged woman.
Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

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Fwd: Lexophiles (Humour)

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that love using wordsin
rather unique ways, such as;
"you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish",
Or
"to write with a broken pencil is pointless."

A competition to see who can come up with the best one is held every year.

This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
. The batteries were given out free of charge.
. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
. A will is a dead giveaway.
. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
. When you've seen one shopping Centre you've seen a mall.
. Police were called to a day care Centre where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.
. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
.
And the cream of the wretched crop:
Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

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Fwd: ... Today's Quotes ...

.. Today's Quotes ...

Life is uncertain,
Which is why you should always eat dessert first.

Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.
Voltaire

Don't throw away the old bucket until
You know whether the new one holds water.

Never underestimate your problem
Or
Your ability to deal with it.
-Robert H. Schuller

Destiny is no matter of chance.
It is a matter of choice.
It is not a thing to be waited for,
It is a thing to be achieved.
William Jennings Bryan

Just because you are blind,
And
Unable to see my beauty
Doesn't mean it does not exist


Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided
To see beyond the imperfections.


Once a women has given you her heart
You can never get rid of the rest of her.
Sir John Vanbrugh

Genius may have its limitations,
But
Stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Elbert Hubbard

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Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXXX ADULT PUNS

There was a young bishop from Trest,
Who openly practiced incest.
"My sisters and nieces,
Are all dandy pieces,
And don't cost a cent," he confessed.

If I were a physician and my patient notified me that his erection
lasted longer than four hours, I would resent the little showoff.
Four-hour wood.
Keep it to yourself.

Kiss Me:
The two words every man does NOT want to hear after a blow job?

A boy took a girl out on her first date.
When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said,
"My mother told me to say no to everything."
"Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you? "
"No," the girl replied.
"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"
"Nooo," the girl said.
"You know," said the boy, "We're going to have a lot of fun if you're
on the level about this, and follow your mother's advice."

What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing.
They've never met.

The dull and desperate looking woman sat disconsolately in her
attorney's office.
"On what grounds do you want a divorce?" asked the lawyer.
"On the grounds of extreme cruelty," she replied. "He want sex every
night, front and back, and he has a dick like a donkey's! - It hurts
like buggery!"
The lawyer raised an eyebrow and said,
"If that is the case, I will file your petition,".
"File my petition? Pig's bloody arse you will!!! Let that bastard
sandpaper his!"

If you think sex is a pain in the ass,
You're doing it wrong.

A dad walks into a market with his young son.
The kid is holding a quarter.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts
panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down
on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the
counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across
the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's
testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more
firmly.
After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the
quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks
back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill
effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her
saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies, "a Divorce Attorney."

We know men invented maps.
Who else would make an inch into a mile?

Dave and Bill are out drinking at the bar late one night.
Dave says,
"Well, bud, I guess I better be going home."
"Yo man," Bill said, "what's your rush? Little woman got you by the
short hairs on a short leash?"
"Hell no," Dave retorted, "I'm the boss in my house."
Then he said softly,
"But she's the Director of Pussy."

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old --
As long as she buys him a few drinks first.

Vinnie and Hank are drinking, when Vinnie leans over and starts
stroking Hank's beard.
Vinnie says,
"Your face feels just like my wife's pussy."
Hank strokes it himself and says,
"You're right."

A very well-built young lady was lying on her shrink's couch, telling
him how frustrated she was.
"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be
a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I
tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said:
"Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful
breasts, points it at the shrink, and says:
"Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

At a drug test you don't need to scoff.
Whip it out and just pee in a trough.
If you pass, then urine,
Else the job you don't win.
The result? It just might piss you off.

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Fwd: Fw: Secure your Home! Safe at last

SAFE AT HOME AT LAST

I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags in my front garden, one at each corner,
two Tamil Tiger flags in the back garden
and the black flag of ISIS in the centre of the lawn.
The local police, AFP, ASIO, ASIS and SAS are all watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer in my life.

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Fwd: Word Play ...

Word Play ...

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding a stupid person that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in
the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a–hole.

Sharing the shared, with thanks

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Fwd: Everyday Phrases & Their Original Meanings

'A SHOT OF WHISKEY'

In the old west a .45 cartridge for a six-gun cost 12 cents, so did a
glass of whiskey. If a cowhand was low on cash he would often give the
bartender a cartridge in exchange for a drink. This became known as a
"shot" of whiskey.

'THE WHOLE NINE YARDS'
American fighter planes in WW2 had machine guns that were fed by a
belt of cartridges. The average plane held belts that were 27 feet (9
yards) long. If the pilot used up all his ammo he was said to have
given it the whole nine yards.

'BUYING THE FARM'
This is synonymous with dying. During WW1 soldiers were given life
insurance policies worth $5,000. This was about the price of an
average farm so if you died you "bought the farm" for your survivors.

'IRON CLAD CONTRACT'
This came about from the ironclad ships of the Civil War. It meant
something so strong it could not be broken.

'PASSING THE BUCK/THE BUCK STOPS HERE'
Most men in the early west carried a jack knife made by the Buck knife
company. When playing poker it as common to place one of these Buck
knives in front of the dealer so that everyone knew who he was. When
it was time for a new dealer the deck of cards and the knife were
given to the new dealer. If this person didn't want to deal he would
"pass the buck" to the next player. If that player accepted then "the
buck stopped there".

'RIFF RAFF'
The Mississippi River was the main way of traveling from north to
south. Riverboats carried passengers and freight but they were
expensive so most people used rafts. Everything had the right of way
over rafts which were considered cheap. The steering oar on the rafts
was called a "riff" and this transposed into riff-raff, meaning low
class.

'COBWEB'
The Old English word for "spider" was "cob".

'SHIP STATE ROOMS'
Traveling by steamboat was considered the height of comfort. Passenger
cabins on the boats were not numbered. Instead they were named after
states. To this day cabins on ships are called staterooms.

'SLEEP TIGHT'
Early beds were made with a wooden frame. Ropes were tied across the
frame in a criss-cross pattern. A straw mattress was then put on top
of the ropes. Over time the ropes stretched, causing the bed to sag.
The owner would then tighten the ropes to get a better night's sleep.

'SHOWBOAT'
These were floating theaters built on a barge that was pushed by a
steamboat. These played small town along the Mississippi River. Unlike
the boat shown in the movie "Showboat" these did not have an engine.
They were gaudy and attention-grabbing which is why we say someone who
is being the life of the party is "showboating".

'OVER A BARREL'
In the days before CPR a drowning victim would be placed face down
over a barrel and the barrel would be rolled back and forth in a
effort to empty the lungs of water. It was rarely effective. If you
are over a barrel you are in deep trouble.

'BARGE IN'
Heavy freight was moved along the Mississippi in large barges pushed
by steamboats. These were hard to control and would sometimes swing
into piers or other boats. People would say they "barged in".

'HOGWASH'
Steamboats carried both people and animals. Since pigs smelled so bad
they would be washed before being put on board. The mud and other
filth that was washed off was considered useless "hog wash".

'CURFEW'
The word "curfew" comes from the French phrase "couvre-feu", which
means "cover the fire". It was used to describe the time of blowing
out all lamps and candles. It was later adopted into Middle English as
"curfeu", which later became the modern "curfew". In the early
American colonies homes had no real fireplaces so a fire was built in
the center of the room. In order to make sure a fire did not get out
of control during the night it was required that, by an agreed upon
time, all fires would be covered with a clay pot called-a "curfew".

'BARRELS OF OIL'
When the first oil wells were drilled they had made no provision for
storing the liquid so they used water barrels. That is why, to this
day, we speak of barrels of oil rather than gallons.

'HOT OFF THE PRESS'
As the paper goes through the rotary printing press friction causes it
to heat up. Therefore, if you grab the paper right off the press it is
hot. The expression means 'to get immediate information'.

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Fwd: A Very Delicate Corporate Matter

A Very Delicate Corporate Matter

All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company
were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the
junior member, was left sitting outside.
Finally, it was his turn to be summoned.
He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors
seated around a table.
He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him
squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked,
"Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?"
"Oh, no sir, positively not!" Bob replied.
"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman.
"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"
"You'd swear to that?"
"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere."
"Good, then you fire her !!!"

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Fwd: Origins of some of our strange customs

Origins of some of our strange customs ...

1. WHY:
Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes
have buttons on the left?
BECAUSE:
When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn
primarily by the rich.
Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on
the right through holes on the left.
Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the
buttons on the maid's right!
And that's where women's buttons have remained since.

2. WHY:
Why do ships and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call for help?
BECAUSE:
This comes from the French word m'aidez - meaning 'help me' - and is
pronounced, approximately, 'mayday.'

3. WHY
Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?
BECAUSE:
In France , where tennis became popular, the round zero on the
scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French
for 'the egg.'
When tennis was introduced in the US , Americans (naturally),
mispronounced it 'love.'

4. WHY:
Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
BECAUSE:
In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write,
documents were often signed using an X.
Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfil obligations specified in
the document.
The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

5. WHY:
Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?
BECAUSE:
In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck,
from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal.
If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he
would 'pass the buck' to the next player.

6. WHY:
Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
BECAUSE:
In earlier times it used to be common for someone to try to kill an
enemy by offering him a poisoned drink.
To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a
guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host.
Both men would drink it simultaneously.
When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host's
glass with his own.

7. WHY:
Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?
BECAUSE:
Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by
burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light.
In the theatre, a performer 'in the limelight' was the centre of attention.

8. WHY:
Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?
BECAUSE:
Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain,
with nine being the highest cloud.
If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well
above worldly cares.

9. WHY:
In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?
BECAUSE:
When Mary, Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis, King
of France, learned that she loved the Scots game 'golf.'
He had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment.
To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she
played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her.
Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very
good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her.
In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed
it into caddie.

10. WHY:
Why are many coin collection jar banks shaped like pigs?
BECAUSE:
Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of dense orange clay
called 'pygg'.
When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became
known as 'pygg banks.'
When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container
that resembled a pig.
And it caught on.

And now you know the origins of some of our strange customs! ...

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Fwd: Prize winning message of the Year

Prize winning message of the Year ...

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman -
"Which book has helped you most in your life?"
The woman replied -
"My husband's cheque book !!

When you are in love,
Wonders happen.
But once you get married,
You Wonder, what happened.

Philosophy of marriage:
At the beginning, every wife treats her husband as GOD...
Later, somehow don't know why…
Alphabets get reversed...

Secret formula for married couples...
"Love One Another"
And if it doesn't work,
Bring the last word to the the middle.!!!!

A woman finds Aladdin's magic lamp.
She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual.
The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her the following wishes:
- I want my husband to have eyes only for me
- I want to be the only one in his life
- I want that when he gets up in the morning I'm the first thing he
grabs and takes me everywhere he goes."
The Genie turned THE LADY into a IPhone 6

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Fwd: TESTICLES AND SNORING....

A couple has a dog that snores.
Annoyed because she can't sleep,
the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles,
and he will stop snoring.
'Yeah right!' she says.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself,
she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon
and ties it carefully around the
dog's testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.

The woman is amazed.
Later that night,
her husband returns home drunk
from being out drinking with his buddies.
He climbs into bed,
falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.
The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him.
So, she goes to the closet again,
grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor
and stumbles into the bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet,
he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused,

and as he walks back into the bedroom,
he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles..

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,
'I don't know where we were or what we did,

but, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place!

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Fwd: Martha & the Cremated Husband ...

XXXX

Martha recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the
insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the
insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in
the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me?
Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said,
"Remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes."

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Fwd: Adult Puns!

XXXX ADULT PUNS

During workouts the gal really tried
To get shapely, and not be denied
The bondage and joys
With teenager boys.
You could say she was "fit to be tied."

At first, she resisted his gropes.
He felt bad, and it dashed all his hopes.
Her experience? Lots!
So she called all the shots,
Just because he had knot learned the ropes.

His tight-fitting pants she unzipped.
Into straps made of leather he slipped.
All her flagellating
Was like masturbating.
So she stopped, 'cause she knew he was whipped.

She was driving him out of his mind,
When she said, "I do think you will find
It is times just like these
That I do as I please.
After all, they're the ties that bind."

Did you hear about the restaurant that promotes safe sex?
They write the bill on a condom so you can wine and dine your date,
and then stick her with the bill.

I keep seeing advertisements on TV for 'male enhancement' pills.
Thanks just the same, but I'm one of those lucky guys who has no need
for that sort of thing.
I have a girlfriend with a really small vagina.

Confucius say:
It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Two men were in the pub discussing their latest sexual conquests.
The first man says he picked up this girl last week and they agreed to
go back to his house and have sex.
Once in the house the girl stripped off her clothes, lay down on the
bed with legs apart and panted,
"I want you to give me twelve inches and make me bleed."
The second man not for one moment believed his friend was that
well-hung, asked what he did.
"Well" he says, "What could I do -- I laid her twice and smacked her
in the face!"

Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said,
"If you build it, they will come."

The anatomy lesson for the week was the way in which the body of a
handicapped person compensates for its deficiency.
As an example, the professor showed a slide of a man with no legs
whose arms and shoulders had consequently become hugely muscled.
"Your assignment," he instructed a pretty medical student, "is to find
someone who has compensated for a physical handicap and to report on
it for the class."
After class the student went into the bar next door, and what should
she catch sight of but a hunchback nursing a beer at the bar.
Screwing up her courage, she went over and told him about her assignment.
"If you don't mind my asking," she said sweetly, "is there some part
of your anatomy which has compensated for your handicap?"
"As a matter of fact there is," said the hunchback. "Come up to my
place and I'll show you."
When they got upstairs, he dropped his pants and revealed the biggest
cock she had ever seen.
Kneeling down, she couldn't resist touching it, then caressing it,
then rubbing it against her face.
"For God's sake, don't blow it!" screamed the hunchback, jumping back.
"That's how I got the hump on my back."

RED RIDING HOOD:
A Russian condom.

Zeke and Emmy Lou got married and had a new baby every year or less.
After their 13th baby was born, the couple told the doctor that they
were going to stop having babies as soon as they figured out what was
causing them.
The doctor suggested to Zeke that he try covering the organ before
they made love.
Sure enough, in a short time Emmy Lou was pregnant again, and the
doctor asked Zeke if he tried covering his organ like he had suggested
they do.
Zeke said,
"We don't have an organ, Doc, but we did throw a blanket over the piano."

A girl in my high school class bought a bicycle and peddled it all over town.

Men are like vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.

The learned judge looked down from the bench at the young woman who
was suing her husband for divorce.
"Your Honor," the young woman said, "I just can't live with my husband
anymore. He's a hobosexual."
"Just one moment," interrupted the judge, considerably confused.
"Don't you mean homosexual?"
"No, your Honor," insisted the woman. "I mean hobosexual. He's a bum lay!"

I made a date with a masochist who was starved for affliction,
But
She called to break the date because she was going to be tied up all night.

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Fwd: Adult Puns

XXX ADULT PUNS

An adventurous lad from Kildare
Was screwing a girl on the stair.
The banister broke
But he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.

He: "I have a ten inch package!"
She: "I find that hard to swallow!"

Laying a carpet is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk
all over her.
If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

The witch couldn't conceive
Because
The wizard has crystal balls.

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says,
"I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"
"Oh no! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less
attractive."
"I also heard that you've been calling me fat!"
"Oh no! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look
larger than you really are."
"I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"
"Oh no! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old --
As long as she buys him a few drinks first.

Two policemen, one a rookie, the other an older red neck cop, were
making their rounds through a lover's lane type of spot, when they
spied a very young couple fooling around in a tent.
"Cletus, what should we do?"
The rookie cop always deferred to his more experienced partner.
Cletus spat some tobacco juice on the ground.
"Bo, we tell the little punk to scram, and then we have some fun with
little Miss Pretty, or we throw them both in jail. That's what we do!"
Cletus told Bo to go first, and Bo did.
The boy ran off into the woods and Cletus watched the tent shake,
rattle and roll for the next ten minutes.
The girl didn't seem to be too upset that her little boyfriend was gone either!
Bo came back to the car zipping up his uniform, and Cletus went
drooling to the tent.
Cletus entered and said,
"Now, little girl, you're going to find out what it's like with a real man."
From under the blanket, Cletus heard an incredulous familiar voice say,
"Daddy?"

You tell when an auto mechanic just had sex.
One of his fingers is clean.

Bambi the blonde celebrated her 40th birthday with a makeover.
She went to the best plastic surgeon in town and got a boob lift, a
tummy tuck, butt implants, Botox, collagen -- the works.
Ten weeks and thousands of dollars later, she was a new woman -- literally.
Her personal physician then performed her annual physical, noted the
new "body work."
When the exam was finished, he called her in.
"Bambi, your overall health is good, but I want to discuss a problem
that often affects women your age, osteoporosis."
Bambi looked puzzled.
"Osteo -- what?"
"Bone loss. Many women start to experience it in their 40s."
Bambi giggled, blushed and said,
"Oh, really, Doc. You've seen me naked. Trust me, with this body and
this face, I get new bones quite often!"

An employer gave his secretary a dress for her first week's salary.
The next week, he raised her salary.

Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that
connects the eyeballs to the anus?
It is called the anal optic nerve.
It is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life.
If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your butt and see if it
doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.
It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Said a woman with open delight,
"My pubic hair's perfectly white.
I admit there's a glare,
But the fellows don't care.
They locate it more quickly at night

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Fwd: The Shakespearean actor ...

There was once an Irish actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had
aged and could no longer remember his lines!
After many years, he finds himself in the Halifax Theater in Canada ,
where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says,
"This is the most important part, and it has only one line.
You walk on to the stage carrying a rose.
You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff
the rose deeply and then say the line,
"Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The Irish actor is thrilled.
All day long before the play he was practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just
one finger he delivered the line,
"Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the
director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried "You have ruined me!"
The Irish actor was bewildered
"What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

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