Fwd: Politically incorrect

Politically incorrect ...

I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips,
ear of corn & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and said,

'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'



I took my Biology exam last Friday.

I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.

Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.



A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime.

She said, 'sorry about the wait'.

I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.



I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.

When I came out, he looked at me and said

'Any Change?'

I said, 'Nope, you're still black'.



Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8
inches tonight.

I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!



Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.

But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works best!



Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic
shutter speed that

It is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.



I hate all this terrorist business.

I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a
train or bus and think to yourself. 'I'm going to take that.'



Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa.

He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, "Where am I?"



The farmer looks back up and shouts back.

"You're in a basket you dumb shit!"

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last
question which I got wrong.

The question was where do women have the curliest hair?

Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the
name of a country?



I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible,

But pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

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Fwd: 10 health benefits

10 health benefits of sex you need to know:


1 . Having sex relieves headaches.

Every time you make love ,

It releases the tension in the veins of the brain.


2 . A lot of sex can clear the stuffy nose.

Sex is a natural antihistamine.

It helps to fight against asthma and spring allergies.


3 . Making love is a spectacular beauty treatment.

Scientists have discovered that when a woman has sex, it produces a
large amount of estrogen that gives shine and softness to hair.


4 . Sex is one of the safest sports.

Make love often strengthens the muscles of male and female body.

It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps in the pool and there is no
need for special shoes!


5 . Make love slowly , smoothly and in a relaxed way reduces the
chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and acne.

The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.


6 . Lovemaking can burn all the calories you have accumulated during
the romantic dinner before bedtime.


7 . Sex is a divine remedy for depression.

It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, creating a state of
euphoria and leaving women and men with the feeling of being unique.


8 . Sex is the tranquilizer and muscle relaxant to a safer world.

It is a thousand times more effective than Valium.


9 . Sexually active body releases more pheromones.


10 . Kissing each day will keep you more time away from the dentist.

Kissing is an art which makes the cleaner teeth and saliva reduces the
amount of acid that causes tooth decay.

This prevention eliminates many problems, in addition to offering a
breath constantly renewed!

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Fwd: Excellent ...

Noah's Ark : Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark .

ONE: Don't miss the boat.

TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat!

THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do
something really big.

FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

SIX: Build your future on high ground.

SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with
the cheetahs.

NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.

TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a
rainbow waiting.

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Fwd: Fw: First day back at school

First day back at school in Birmingham, ENGLAND.

The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:


"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" - "Here"
"Achmed El Kabul?" - "Here"
"Fatima Al Hayek? " - "Here"
"Ali Abdul Olmi?" - "Here"
"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" - "Here"
"Ali Son al En", silence in the classroom.


"Ali Son al En." - continued silence as everyone looked around the room.

The teacher repeated the call.


A girl stood up and said, "Sorry, teacher. I think that's me.
It's pronounced Alison Allen."

OOPS! !!.

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Fwd: FW: The World is Mine

*The World is Mine*

Today, upon a bus, I saw a very beautiful woman,
And wished I were as beautiful.
When suddenly she rose to leave,
I saw her hobble down the aisle.
She had one leg and wore a crutch.
But as she passed, she passed a smile.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I have two legs; the world is mine.

I stopped to buy some candy,
The lad who sold it had such charm,
I talked with him, he seemed so glad,
If I were late, it'd do no harm.
And as I left, he said to me,
"I thank you, you've been so kind.
It's nice to talk with folks like you.
You see," he said, "I'm blind."
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I have two eyes; the world is mine.

Later while walking down the street,
I saw a child I knew.
He stood and watched the others play,
but he did not know what to do.
I stopped a moment and then I said,
"Why don't you join them dear?"
He looked ahead without a word,
I forgot, he couldn't hear.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine,
I have two ears; the world is mine.

With feet to take me where I'd go,
With eyes to see the sunset's glow,
With ears to hear what I'd know.
With loving family, friends to enjoy life
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine,
I've been blessed indeed,
the world is mine.
-------

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Fwd: Enough is Enough (adult)

The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to
be checked by the doctor.

"In front of you?" He asks, shy.

The nurse says:
"Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before.

The man said,
"Not one like mine. You'd die laughing at my naked body."

"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his
trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male
organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.

In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it
just came out.

And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part,
she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my
honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again.
Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

She ran out of the room.

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Fwd: Why Men don't write advice columns

Why Men don't write advice colums...

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving
my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more
than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with
the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours
daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted
him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair
for the past
six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job
six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed
and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the
ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to
counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

-------------------------------

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and
hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If
none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel
pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.

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: Quiz for Bright People

There are only nine questions.
This is a quiz for people who know everything!

I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions.
They are straight questions with straight answers..

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants

know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several

growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What

are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside

the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't

been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and

they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at

least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned,

processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning

with the letter 'S.'



I was thinking about sending this without the answers...but that would be
cruel....





Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know
the

score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing.

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward: Niagara Falls ..

The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the
millions

of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several
growing

seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the
bottle.

The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in

place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing
season.

When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

6. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle...


7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon,

semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point,

quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked,

or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S':

Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes,
stockings, stilts.

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Moral/ Ethical Dilemma....... Used for job interviews!

Bus Stop Quiz .....


You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the
bus:


1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.


Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.


This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of
a job application.. You could pick up the old lady, because she is
going to die, and thus you should save her first.. Or you could take
the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the
perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find
your perfect mate again.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car
keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I
would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations.


Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'


HOWEVER....., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put
her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the bonnet
of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings!

Read More...

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Her First Date

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show,
I hope you're sitting down when you read it.

This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!
We have all had bad dates, but this takes the cake!

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first
date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience.
There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was mid-winter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy
had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City.
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and
had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful, until they were headed
home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte!! They were
about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of
nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a
point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside
the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her
pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and
indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could
think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing
nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As
she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks
were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen
to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her
flesh from the icy metal.
It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the
extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long?' with a
reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of
some assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater
and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out
laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to
compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as
hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real
problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from
the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the
predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was
only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to
unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize
hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'.
And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh... and how did the first date turn out?
He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

Read More...

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Fwd: christie and the presidency

 

Governor Christie was asked, "Do you think this will hurt your chances of being president of the United States?''

And he said, "Hey, we'll close that bridge when we come to it."

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Dr. Epstein

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate,
graduate and medical degrees in his hometown, and then left for
Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference,
coincidentally held in his hometown. He walked on stage and placed his
papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent
over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he broke wind
stentorously.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and
reverberating down the hall! He was appallingly embarrassed but
somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He
ignored the applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen
in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit
her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Brown and arrived
under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first
visit to our city, Mr. Brown?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here
and received my education here, but then I moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but a very embarrassing
thing happened, and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience,
but one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to
me isn't even remembered by others. I'll bet that's true of your
incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before, or after the Epstein Fart?"

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Tonsils vs Circumcision.... A Good, Clean Giggle !

Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.
Theirs will be first on the schedule.

The older boy leans over and asks,
"What are you having done?"

The second boy says,
"I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first boy says,
"You've got nothing to worry about.
I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up,
they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.
It's a breeze."

The second boy then asks,
"What are you going in for?"

The first boy says, "Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies.
"Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year."

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I Have A GPS

I have a little GPS
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My GPS is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.

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A candidate asks whether his wife can apply for the job

A man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in the Indian Army.


Interviewer :

We want a person with a suspicious mind, always alert, merciless, always
ready to attack, high sense of hearing, and, most important, having a killer
instinct.

Do you think you are eligible?

Man :

No, Sir, but can my wife apply?

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Assertive Women's Conference.

The first speaker, a lady from England, stood and said,
"During last year's conference, we spoke about being
more assertive with our husbands.
Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband,
Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that
he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing.
The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw
that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
(The crowd cheered).



The second lady, from Russia, stood up and said,
"After last year's conference, I went home and told my
husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry
and that he would have to do it himself.
The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day,
I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had
done not only his own washing, but mine as well."
(The crowd again cheered).



The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady from Australia, stood up and said,
"Afta lass year's conference, I wen ome and tole dat lazy husband of mines,
Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin' his tucker and
washin' his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself."
(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long
minutes)
She continued "Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta da second day,
I nevah see nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa me
leff eye."

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Inspiring, Funny and Stupid Quotes from Famous People

People love quoting famous people. Whether the celebrity in question
is a genius or not,

We've collected quotes from presidents, movie stars, philosophers,
athletes, and even Paris Hilton on everybody's favorite topic: Money.


"For I don't care too much for money, for money can't buy me love." -
The Beatles

"Money is like a sixth sense - and you can't make use of the other
five without it." - William Somerset Maugham

"Time is more valuable than money. You can get more money, but you
cannot get more time." - Jim Rohn

"Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel
libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans
themselves." - Albert Einstein

"Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be
miserable in comfort." - Helen Gurley Brown

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons." - Woody Allen

"Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is.
Fortunately, I love money." - Jackie Mason

"What difference does it make how much you have? What you do not have
amounts to much more." - Seneca

"If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the
people He gives it to." - Dorothy Parker

"Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen six, result
happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty
pound ought and six, result misery." - Charles Dickens

"My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income." -
Errol Flynn

"If you would know the value of money, go and try to borrow some." -
Benjamin Franklin

"Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but
everybody does something about it." - Rebecca Johnson

"Lack of money is the root of all evil." - George Bernard Shaw

"The mint makes it first, it is up to you to make it last." - Evan Esar

"What we really want to do is what we are really meant to do. When we
do what we are meant to do, money comes to us, doors open for us, we
feel useful, and the work we do feels like play to us." - Julia
Cameron

"Money is usually attracted, not pursued." - Jim Rohn

"The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in
your pocket." - Kin Hubbard

"Money will come when you are doing the right thing." - Mike Phillips

"The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world
in which it is overestimated." - H. L. Mencken

"You use your money to buy privacy because during most of your life
you aren't allowed to be normal." - Johnny Depp

"It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and
wealth have both failed." - Kin Hubbard

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you
don't need it." - Bob Hope

"The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not
to have any." - Katharine Whitehorn

"Finance is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it
finally disappears." - Robert W. Sarnoff

"Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they
don't want, to impress people they don't like." - Will Smith

"Money was never a big motivation for me, except as a way to keep
score. The real excitement is playing the game." - Donald Trump

"You don't have to die in order to make a living." - Lynn Johnston

"I used to have a drug problem, but now I have enough money." - David Lee Roth

"Money is like love; it kills slowly and painfully the one who
withholds it, and enlivens the other who turns it on his fellow man."
- Kahlil Gibran

"So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked
what is the root of all money?" - Ayn Rand

"Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire
lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No
Pockets." - Jerry Seinfeld

"Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all
respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be." - Rita Rudner

"The art of living easily as to money is to pitch your scale of living
one degree below your means." - Sir Henry Taylor

"Money is the best deodorant." - Elizabeth Taylor

"Money is only a tool. It will take you wherever you wish, but it will
not replace you as the driver." - Ayn Rand

"I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to
play with." - Rodney Dangerfield

"A wise man should have money in his head, but not in his heart." -
Jonathan Swift

"Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of
imagination." - Oscar Wilde

"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore." - Yogi Berra

"Make money your god and it will plague you like the devil." - Henry Fielding

"When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in
life; now that I am old I know that it is." - Oscar Wilde

"Money never made a man happy yet, nor will it. The more a man has,
the more he wants. Instead of filling a vacuum, it makes one." -
Benjamin Franklin

"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing
nearly everything, money is handy." - Groucho Marx

"The glow of one warm thought is to me worth more than money." -
Thomas Jefferson

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest
people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work." - Robert Orben

"Money often costs too much." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Money will buy you a fine dog, but only love can make it wag its
tail" - Richard Friedman

"Many people take no care of their money till they come nearly to the
end of it, and others do just the same with their time." - Johann
Wolfgang von Goethe

"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments." - Earl Wilson

"Don't tell me where your priorities are. Show me where you spend your
money and I'll tell you what they are." - James W. Frick

"Formal education will make you a living; self-education will make you
a fortune." - Jim Rohn

"If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys." - James Goldsmith

"Money is the barometer of a society's virtue." - Ayn Rand

"It's good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it's
good, too, to check up once in a while and make sure that you haven't
lost the things that money can't buy." - George Lorimer

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Honeymoons ???

Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.

Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and
made them all promise to
send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first
impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said
nothing but: "Nescafe". Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen
and got out the
Nescafe jar. It said: "Great from beginning to end". Mum blushed, but
was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and
the card read: "Rothmans". Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes to read from the pack: "Super strong King Size". She was
again slightly
embarrassed but still happy for her daughter..

The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand .. Mum waited
for a week,
nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed; still nothing.

A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky
hand, "Air New Zealand ".

Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages
fearing the worst,
and finally found the ad for Air NZ !

'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'

Mum Fainted !!!

Read More...

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New Years Miscellaneous

New Years Eve
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it
was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing
next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing.
As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Tattoo Parlor
This woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a
Christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her
left inner thigh.
The tattoo artist say that's an unusual request.
"Why do you want two tattoos there?"
So she says "Because my husband needs to eat between Christmas and new years."

New Years Eve Short Jokes
Q: What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve?
A: I haven't seen you for a year!

Q: What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of
drinking in the New Year?
A: He gave up thinking.

Q: What's the problem with jogging on New Years Eve?
A: The ice falls out of your drinks!


New Years Eve One Liners
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup
half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without
being mistaken for a stripper.

I'm getting drunk just thinking about tomorrow night.

My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me
about my New Year's resolutions.

I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants
and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!

If 2013 was a person, I'd sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.

This New Year's I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the
only thing I do in excess.

People treat New Year's like some sort of life-changing event. If your
life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow.

I'll remember 2013 like it was yesterday

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.

I want to get so drunk that if vampires bit my neck they'd get a Bloody Mary.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve. DIGNITY is
not one of them.

I'm planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2014.

Just heard that in 2014 there will be a new device that can turn
thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.

My New Years Resolution is to break my New Years Resolutions....That
way I succeed at something!

Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn't drinking enough of it.

I'm actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.

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MY DOCTOR

Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good! If you tell him you
want a second opinion, He'll go out and come in again.

~~~~~

He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he
realized she was Chinese.

~~~~~

Another time, he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the
six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, So, the doctor gave him
another six months.

~~~~~

While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there
is a man here who thinks he's invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I
can't see him."

~~~~~

Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor,
doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!" The doctor calmly
replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."

~~~~~

One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory
problem." The doctor asked,"When did it start?" The man replied, "When
did what start?"

~~~~~

I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His
advice: "Don't answer it."

~~~~~

My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I
think I'm a bell." The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here,
take these - If they don't work, give me a ring."

~~~~~

Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards.
The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."

~~~~~

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, He told me to stop
going to those places.

~~~~~

You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half
for an appointment, then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner

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Leviticus 20:13

For those who haven't heard: New Zealand just passed both laws - gay
marriage and legalized marijuana. The fact that gay marriage and marijuana
were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because
Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be
stoned." We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

Read More...

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Four Great Religious Truths

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should
remember

these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

Read More...

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XX THE PENIS WANTS A RAISE

The Penis, hereby requests a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.
Reply:

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,
the management denies your request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting
other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations,such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed
the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely, The Management

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Moped vs Ferrari

An elderly man on a Moped, pulls up next to a doctor at traffic
lights. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What
kind of car you got there sonny?" The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO,
it can do up to 320 miles an hour," he said proudly. "Mind if I take a
look inside?" "No problem," replies the doctor. So the old man pokes
his head in the window and looks around. Sitting back on his Moped,
the old man says, "Nice car, but I'll stick with my Moped!" Just then
the light changes and doctor floors it to 160mph. Suddenly, he notices
a dot in his rear view mirror getting closer. He slows down and
suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH something flies past him. He speeds up to see
what it is and up ahead of him, he sees the old man. Amazed that the
Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the
Moped at 275mph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror
and sees the old man gaining on him. He takes the Ferrari all the way
up to 320mph. Again, he sees the Moped bearing down on him. The
Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he and do! Suddenly, the
Moped ploughs into the back of his Ferrari. Unbelievably the old man
is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a
doctor.... is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers,
"Unhook my braces from your side view mirror!"

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Angry Hushand

Angry husband is not satisfied with his wife & sends an SMS to his
Mother-in-Law. "Your product is not matching my requirements."
Smart Mother-in-Law replies – "Warranty expired, manufacturer not
responsible after seal is broken."

Read More...

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Studying Law

A lawyer came home after having sex in his car.
Girl forgot her bra and panty in car.

The wife found them, tore them up and shouted: U dirty bastard u have been
screwing your secretary.

Without blinking an eyelid, lawyer shouted back.
Stupid woman..U..have just destroyed the only evidence of a high profile
rape case I have been working on. U can now forget about diamond necklace u
were asking for.

Wife fell on her knees, crying & trying 2 repair d torn pieces & lawyer
walked away with a smile...

Moral: Start studying LAW

Read More...

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Some Funny Writings at Various Public Places

Sign on a railway station in Bihar:

Aana free, jaana free,
pakde gaye to khana free.

***********************

Seen at beauty parlour in Bombay:

Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your grandmother!

***********************

Seen on a bulletin board:

Success is relative
The more success, The more relatives.

***********************

Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay:

We need your heads to run our business.

***********************

A traffic slogan:

Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough - or else they never
will be

***********************

Sign in a restaurant:

All drinking water in this establishment has been personally passed by the
manager

***********************

The difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

***********************

Alcohol is a perfect solvent:

It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

***********************

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.

A tax is a fine for doing well.

***********************

Archaeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.

***********************

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have:

The older she gets, the more interested he becomes in her.

***********************

There are two kinds of people who don't say much:

Those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

***********************

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got
married...

And then it was too late!

***********************

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.

After marriage, the 'y' becomes silent.

***********************

Read More...

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First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook
them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what
do those symbolize?'


The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

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ALZHEIMER'S EYE TEST

Count every "F" in the following text:



FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.....
(SEE BELOW)




HOW MANY 'F's?






Count them again.






WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke..




READ IT AGAIN !


Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 'F's before you scroll down.


The reasoning behind this is further down.








The brain cannot process "OF".

Incredible or what?


Anyone who counts all 6 'F's on the first go is a genius.



Three is normal, four is quite rare.

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Lexiphiles

Acupuncture: a jab well done.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
·
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles; U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a
rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all
right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count
that votes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

Read More...

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The Lone Ranger:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.


Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies,
'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?'


'You dumber than buffalo shit.
It means someone stole the tent.'

Read More...

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Puns ...

A language professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
negative.
However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up
"Yeah, right."

Ford announced today a new car built specifically for Southern California
freeways.
It's called a stationary wagon.

Weather forecasters' thinking is sometimes clouded.
To become one, you need a lot of degrees.
Forecasters who aren't paid enough may start a storm of protest after some
brain storming.
Arguments about the weather usually blow over.
Today freezing rain was predicted, and sure enough it was an ice day.

A guy bought a skipping rope because his doctor prescribed pills for;
Two days running and then skip a day.

Sam and Max were psychologists, and the best of friends.
Sam's practice was based upon the theories of Sigmund Freud, but Max relied
more upon the theories of Carl Jung.
One wintry night, as they were walking home from the community college where
they had just given a lecture, Sam slipped on the ice and did a swan dive
into the sidewalk.
Dazed, he looked up to see his friend regarding him thoughtfully.
"Well, what is it?" he snapped.
Max extended his hand and said,
"Sorry, but it's just that this is the first time I've actually seen a
Freudian slip."

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and
says,
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're
sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your
sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone
"lLke hell, they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father,
"You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, do you hear me?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay" he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

Throughout the Bible's Old Testament, not much good is said about adultery.
Turn to the New Testament however, and there we are admonished to "Love our
Neighbor"
Go figure!

A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons.
She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign
on them saying "5 boxes for a dollar."
Well, the woman just could not believe this price.
So, she asks the clerk if it was correct.
He said
"Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."
She said
"That can't be right !"
The clerk says
"Oh yes, it's right! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached."

Marriage is a wonderful institution,
But
Who wants to live in an institution?

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Irony of life...

The lawyer hopes you get into trouble...

The doctor hopes you fall ill...

The police hopes you become a criminal...

The teacher hopes you are born stupid...

The coffin maker wants you dead...

Only a thief wishes you prosperity in life!!!

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Female Medical

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs,
pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

Read More...

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Ida & the Frog

An older lady named Ida was somewhat lonely since her cat died and she
decided she needed another pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop
she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her
interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she
looked and he winked at her.


He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO . BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.. YOU WON'T EVER
BE SORRY.'

Ida figured, what the heck! She hadn't found
anything else. So she bought the frog. She placed
him in the car, on the front seat beside her.
As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME
AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!



So, Ida figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.




IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young,
handsome prince





THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED IDA'S KISS.

SUDDENLY IDA FELT HERSELF
TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW
CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IDA TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS!



*

*

*
*


*



SHE TURNED INTO
the first Holiday Inn
SHE COULD FIND!!!



She's old...... NOT DEAD!!!!!
OLD LADIES ROCK

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A Short Aussie Joke

A man walks into a crowded local bar in Darwin, brandishing a revolver,
yelling, "Who's the bastard that's been screwing my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, "You don't have enough ammo
mate!"

Read More...

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Fwd: What is Confidence?

You have it?
What is confidence????


A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told
that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to
feature pilotless technology: "It is an uncrewed aircraft."
Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's
software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system.
Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a
different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed.
Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he
replies: "If it is the same software thats developed by my company's
IT systems department, this plane won't even take off!!!! ."

That is called Confidence!!!

Read More...

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Fwd: ODDS & ENDS

ODDS & ENDS

1. The Worst Slogan Translations Ever
2. The Racoon Coat
3. The Dead Mule
4. Good Sex For Golfers (Adult Content)
5. The Prom (Adult Content)


1.

THE WORST SLOGAN TRANSLATIONS EVER

13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were
supposed to have read,
"It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."
The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to
embarrass, so the ad read:
"It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in
an American campaign:
"Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."

11) Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany
only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure.
Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

10) Coors put its slogan,
"Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

9) Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into
"Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

8) When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label.
Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on
the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno magazine.

6) Frank Perdue's chicken slogan,
"It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as
"it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first
class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather"
campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in
Spanish.

4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish
market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope"
(el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

3) The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?"
prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico.
It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read
"Are You Lactating?"

2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the
Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It
Doesn't Go".

1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning
"Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending
on the dialect.
Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent
"kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
2.

THE RACOON COAT

Back in the roaring twenties raccoon coats were the rage, especially
among the college set in the ivy league schools.
Just any raccoon coat wouldn't do.
It had to be a full length duster almost reaching the floor to really
be in style.
John, a young man with a very rich but miserly father who was entering
his freshman year at Harvard was surprised to learn when he moved into
the dorm that he just couldn't fit in without a raccoon coat.
He pleaded with his father that he just had to have a raccoon coat or
would never make it at school.
After several letters back and forth his father agreed to purchase a
beautiful coat on one condition.
The condition was that the coat must not be damaged in any way during
the next four years.
If there was any damage to the coat at all after four years the John
would be disinherited and have to go find a job on his own.
He would not be allowed to join the father in his very prosperous business.

John quickly agreed to the conditions without thinking of the implications.
The father bought the best raccoon coat money could buy, then had
several members of his staff count the number of hairs on the coat.
They found there were exactly 1,524,203 hairs.
A second group of staff members recounted and confirmed there were
1,524,203 hairs.
The coat was then carefully sealed in a package and sent off to
Harvard with a note informing the John of the hair count.

When John received the coat he was overjoyed that his ostracism by his
fellow students was soon to end.
Then he read the enclosed letter.
He showed the coat to all his friend but was afraid to wear it under
any circumstances for fear of damaging it in some manner.
After everyone had seen the coat he resealed it in its box and placed
it on the shelf in his closet.
He often showed the coat to new friends but could never work up the
courage to wear it until his senior year.

Harvard was playing Yale for the conference championship in football.
He bought nine tickets to the game, three seats behind his, the seats
to either side, and the three seats in front.
He was going to be damned sure no one spilled drink or mustard on his
beloved coat.
He didn't enjoy the game at all because of his concern for his coat.
Immediately after the game he returned the coat to the closet where it
had been for three years after carefully spending several hours
recounting the hairs.
All 1,524,203 were intact but after such a tedious job he made a mistake.
He didn't reseal the bag in which he had been storing the coat these many years.

During the night a campus moth crawled under the door of the closet,
fluttered up onto the box and crawled inside.
He had a feast but being a small moth one hair was all his tiny
stomach could hold.
He emerged from the box, fluttered from the closet and flew up onto
the light fixture to get warm and have a nap.
The next day the hapless student decided to recheck the hair-count.
It took him hours but when finished he knew he was in trouble.
There were only 1,524,202 hairs.
He wailed in despair at the top of his lungs.
All his fraternity brothers came running into the room expecting the worst.
John recounted the whole story about his fathers conditions and his
impending fate.

In all the commotion the little moth asleep on the light fixture awakened.
He listened to the story in amazement.
As the whole story unfolded the moth became terribly sad.

Have you ever seen a moth bawl?

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
3.

THE DEAD MULE

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville, MS.
And bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said,
"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis & Leroy replied,
"Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said,
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said,
"OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked,
"What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said,
"We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said,
"You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said,
"We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the
Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked,
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,
"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said,
"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said,
"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said,
"Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
4.

GOOD SEX FOR GOLFERS -
Here are the Rules

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one
club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary
until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to
do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take
time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed
bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being
played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players
equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been
properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for
the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if
they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a
private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all
times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful
in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means
of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any
bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with,
and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before
attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners
request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the same hole several times in one match.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
5.

THE PROM

There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were
approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom
night and neither of them had a date for it.

So one day, the girl approaches her brother and says, "Hey, you got a
date for the prom yet?"

He says, "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?"

"You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"

"Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!"

"Well, are you taking somebody else out?"

"You know I don't have a date, sis."

"And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?" Her
brother nods.

She continues, "So we should go with each other."

The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells
his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening he
will take her to the prom.

Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so
the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom on
Friday.

At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that
his sister talked him into taking her.

Then, while he's standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.

"Hey, brother, let's dance. "

He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. "Look, sis, this
is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at
the prom, okay?"

"Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why
can't you dance with your sister?"

"Oh... all right. "

So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after
a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time.

In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at
him and says, "Let's not go straight home."

He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?"

"Oh, I don't know. Just drive around."

He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the
country, she looks over at him again and says, "Want to find some
place to park?"

"Hell," he says, "are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going
parking with you!"

"Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over
somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both
of us, how long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each
other?"

So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a
secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks
over at him again.

"Hey... " she says.

"What?"

"Why don't you kiss me?"

"You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that?
I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister! "And he reached for the
ignition switch to start the car.

She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've
mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love
each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him
on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing,
she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it."

"Do what?" said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister
had in mind.

"You know what," his sister replied.

"I can't do that with you, you're my... " His voice trailed off.

While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a
lot lighter than Dad."

"I know," said her brother. "Mom told me."

Read More...

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Fwd: Did You Know ...

Did You Know ...
If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side.
If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side.

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water.
For when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink.
If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it.

The Mercedes-Benz motto is "Das Beste oder Nichts" meaning "the best
or nothing".

The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal.

The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at
Something pleasing.
An average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.

Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system.
Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day.
Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean,
But rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Read More...

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XXX ADULT PUNS

From the depths of the crypt at St. Giles
Came a scream that echoed for miles.
Said the vicar: "good gracious!
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the bishop has piles?"

Two notoriously lascivious young women, Teri and Julie, were comparing
their experiences at the previous night's annual company Christmas
Party.
"Did you get laid, Teri?" asked Julie.
"Twice!" exclaimed Teri.
"Only twice?" said Julie.
"Yeah," explained Teri, "once by the band and once by the accounting
department."

A mother can get pregnant while nursing,
But
it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him
to sleep first.

A friend went to see the movie "American Beauty" and was quite
bothered by some scenes, in particular a masturbation scene.
Discussing the movie with her husband later, she said,
"I'm sorry, but I find masturbation in a movie to be really offensive."
Her husband sighed and said,
"All right, I'll stop doing it."

Paramedics rescued a 40 year-old man who got his manhood stuck in the
vacuum cleaner.
The man stated his relationship with his vacuum cleaner was purely sexual.
He didn't want any attachments.

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned
on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of ten years replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And then the fight started.

What do you call a man who died from a Viagra overdose?
A dead stiff.

Two Columbia yuppies, neighbours for years, were constantly trying to
'out-status' each other.
The first man mentioned that his daughter had just been accepted at Vassar.
"That's nice," replied the other, "but the main thing the girls really
learn there is fornication."
The first man became irate and said,
"I'll have you know my wife attended Vassar!"
The neighbour smiled and said,
"Take it from me, pal, she certainly could use a refresher course."

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive.
My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
A man and his wife went to a family planning clinic.
"We've been married for ten years and we've got no kids," said the
husband, "and the next-door neighbours say it's because we're stupid."
"Nonsense," smiled the doctor. "It's probably to do with your diet. Or
it might be a question of timing. How many times a week do you do it?"
"Do what?" asked the wife.

Twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders are called:
A scrotum pole!

I have some neighbours that are lesbians and they have a child.
It occurred to me that in this day of age of increasing lesbian
couples that have children, it brings a whole new meaning to one kid
taunting another when he says,
"My Mom can lick your Mom any time."

The difference between a chicken and a baby is a chicken is
The result of a sitting hen
While the baby is the result of standing cock.

Read More...

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XXXX Adult Limericks.

A steward who worked on a clipper
Was quite a bit of a nipper;
He plugged up his ass
With fragments of glass
And circumcised the skipper.
*****

There was a young lady named Hilda
Who went driving one night with a builda.
He said that he should
That he could and he would,
And he did and it pretty near killda.
*****

I have been on dozens of larks;
I like it indoors, not in parks.
You feel more at ease,
Your ass doesn't freeze;
And strollers don't make snide remarks.
*****

A broken-down lecher named Tupps
Was heard to confess in his cups:
"The height of my folly
Was diddling a collie -
But I got a nice price for the pups."
*****

There was a young fellow named Lancelot
Whom his neighbors all looked on askance a lot.
Whenever he'd pass
A presentable lass,
The front of his pants would advance a lot.
*****

There was a young harlot from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it, too."

Read More...

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Fwd: FW: Clinton

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one
evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car.

The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck
and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the
owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to
lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his
clothes in disarray.

He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a
rare huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared
with
lipstick. '

What happened to you,' asked Hillary? 'Well,' the driver replied, 'the
farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine,and their
beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!' 'My God, what
did you tell them?'
asked Hillary.

The driver replied, 'I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm
Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest
happened so fast I couldn't stop it. '

Read More...

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Fwd: Male or Female?

Male or Female?
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are
actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right
through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm
them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are
pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES:
Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to
light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES:
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.



WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently
getting hit on.


TRAINS:
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for
picking up people.




EGG TIMERS:

Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.


HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all,
and are occasionally handy to have around.



The REMOTE CONTROL:
Female.
Ha!
You probably thought it would be male, but consider this:
It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

Read More...

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Fwd: Indian English Sentence Construction

POOR GRAMMAR IN JOLLY OLD ENGLAND ......….…

These are extracts from letters sent to the Leicester Council and
other British Housing associations written by members of Indian ethnic
groups.
1. I want some repairs done to my wife's cooker as it has backfired
and burnt my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when
he put his foot in the hole in my back passage. And their 18-year-old
son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
3. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside
toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew
them off.
4. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.
5. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?
6. I request permission to remove and change my drawers in the
kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the
rest are plain filthy.
7. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.
8. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny
color and not fit to drink.
9. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
10. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every
morning at 6:00 am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much
for me.
11. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.
12 .Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would
like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
13. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of
me every night.
14. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
satisfy my wife.

Read More...

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Fwd: EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES

EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES

Pasta had not been invented.

Curry was a surname.

A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the
salt on or not.

A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.

Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.

Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
Only Heinz made beans.

Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
Indian restaurants were only found in India.

Cooking outside was called camping.
Seaweed was not a recognised food.

"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

Prunes were medicinal.
Surprisingly muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.

Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of
a real one.

Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and
Charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.

The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .. Was elbows!

Read More...

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Fwd: Today's Quotes

We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being
governed by those who are dumber.
~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even
where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm
beginning to believe it.
~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the
tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."

I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I
will stop telling the truth about them."
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952.

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to
be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be
better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924
Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)

Read More...

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Hollywood Squares Remembered...

These have been around before but they always make me laugh.
I hope you get a chuckle or two!

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood
Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they
are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes
of the show!)


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and
you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if
he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and
I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going
to get any during the first year?

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps.. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them
and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q.. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Read More...

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Retirement Benefits

Perks of reaching 50
Or being over 60
And heading towards
70 or beyond!

1..
Kidnappers are not very
interested in you.

2.
In a hostage situation,
you are likely to be released first.

3..
No one expects you to run --
anywhere.

4.
People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,
'Did I wake you?'

5..
People no longer view you as a
hypochondriac.

6.
There is nothing left
to learn the hard way.

7..
Things you buy now will
never wear out.

8.
You can eat
supper at 4 PM.

9..

You can live without most things
but not your glasses.

10..
You get into heated arguments
about pension plans.

11.
You no longer think of speed limits
as a challenge.

12..
You quit trying to hold
your stomach in no matter who walks
into the room.

13.
You sing along
with elevator music.

14..
Your eyes won't get
much worse..

15.
Your investment in health insurance
is finally beginning to pay off.

16..
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service.

17.
Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they can't remember them either.

18..
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
a manageable size.

19.
You can't remember
who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all
in big print
for your convenience.

Forward this to everyone
You can remember
Right now!

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:

Never, NEVER, NEVER ,
Under any circumstances,
Take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on
The same night!

Read More...

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Adult Themes Jokes

(1) To make it straight, she pulls it..
To make it stand, she rubs it.
To make it stiff, she licks it.
To put it in, she pushes it.
It's hell of a job threading a needle!

(2) A guy donated blood to his girlfriend. When they broke up, he
wanted his blood back.
The girl threw a bloody kotex at him and said, I'll pay you in
monthly installment.'

(3) Girl in cinema turns sideways and whispers to her boyfriend.
'The man next to me is masturbating!'
Bf: 'Ignore him.'
Gf: 'I can't.'
Bf: 'Why not?'
Gf: 'He is using my hand!'

(4) The Bio teacher draws a huge PENIS on the board and asks 'Does
anybody know what this is?
Dirty Harry says 'Oh, it's a penis and you know my dad's got 2 of them?'
The teacher says '2 of them?'
Harry says 'ya! the little one he uses to pee, and the big one
to brush mum's teeth.'

(5) 4 miracles of a woman
Getting wet without taking a shower
Bleeding without getting hurt
Giving milk without eating grass
Making boneless meat hard.

(6) What is the smallest hotel in the world?
The answer is 'Vagina Inn'
It accomodates only 1 standing occupant with his 2 baggages left outside.

(7) Unborn twins saw a penis approaching.
1st: Papa coming, papa coming.
2nd: U fool, it's uncle lah. Papa never comes with raincoat!

(8) A hubby said to his wife, 'I will take a photo of your breast and
frame it..'
The wife said to husband, 'I will take a photo of your penis and
enlarge it.'

(9) At 15, a girl is a SURPRISE.
At 25, she is the RIGHT PRICE.
At 35, a GRAND PRIZE.
At 45, a CONSOLATION PRIZE.
At 55, she is a DOOR PRIZE, and
at 65, a GIVEAWAY PRIZE.

(10) The vagina is the world's best rehabilitation/correction center.
Even the most violent and aggressive penis comes out humbled,
head bowed and reduced in size.

(11) Lady was trying on a dress.
Husband: 'Your bum is as big as a BBQ pit!'
Later in bed, husband said, 'Want to do it?'
Wife: 'It's a waste lighting up a BBQ pit for a small sausage.'

Read More...

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WHEN YOU THINK YOU ARE STUPID, READ THIS!

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as
Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live
forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live
forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life,"

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for
federal anti-smoking campaign

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas .

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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<image008.jpg>

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."

--Al Gore, Vice President

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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix ."

-- Dan Quayle

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you.. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

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Time to Join E-Mailers Anonymous

10. You wake up at 3am. To go to the bathroom, and check your email on
the way back to bed.

09. Your firstborn is named dotcom.

08. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of
emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

07. You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap...and
your child in the overhead compartment.

06. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free Internet access.

05. You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com….

04. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

03. You move into a new home and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

02. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

And the No. 1 sign that you know it's time to join e-mailers anonymous:

01. Immediately after reading this list, you email it to someone.

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Two nuns and a dog

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other,
"I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we
might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot dogs, get your
dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige,
wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush, and then, after staring at it for a moment, leans
to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers, "What part did you get?"

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