A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."
Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister. You just
don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always
leaving through the back door."
The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like how my other
Daddy does ?"
GOA RADIO ORGANISED A COMPETITION OF A TWO-LINE POEM, IN WHICH THE FIRST
LINE MUST BE THE MOST ROMANTIC, BUT THE SECOND LINE SHOULD BE THE OPPOSITE.
This was the winner sent by Joao Caitan :
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you messed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
I love your smile, your face and your eyes,
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My feelings for you, no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
What inspired this amazing rhyme?
A bottle of urrak, one part lime ! ;
The Washington Post Runs A Weekly Contest In Its Style Section Called
The 'Style Invitational'.
The Requirements This Week Were To Use The Words 'Lewinsky'
(The Intern gWas Giving 'Personal Assistance' To President Clinton In
The White House)
And 'Kaczynski' (The Unabomber Who Sent Bombs In The Mail) In The Same Limerick
As A Play On Words.
The Winning Entries (Below) Were Actually Printed Verbatim In This
Very Popular Newspaper, Without Bleeps Or Alterations Of Any Kind.
Third Place:
There Once Was A Girl Named Lewinsky
Who Played On A Flute Like Stravinsky
Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On This Flute Made Of Beef
That Stole The Front Page From Kaczynski.
Second Place:
Said Clinton To Young Ms. Lewinsky,
We Don't Want To Leave Clues Like Kaczynski,
Since You Made Such A Mess,
Use The Hem Of Your Dress
And Please Wipe That Stuff Off Your Chinsky.
And The Winning Entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski Must Surely Have Known,
That An Intern Is Better
Than A Bomb In A Letter
When Deciding How Best To Be Blown.
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through
blouse on, and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not
to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her 'Loosen up. Grandma! These
are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show' and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting
there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her
grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not
appropriate...The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off
your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
Happy Gardening.
(This is too funny not to share!)
Don't mess with a Senior Citizen!
MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was
Concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any
Attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
Told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
Until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
Told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to
Hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward
He stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a
Damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said,
'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
Thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
Appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small
penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
Large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th
floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had
anything to say in her defence.
'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw,
he could fly.'
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous,
and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our
drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
All and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food
it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
Man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club
with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired
woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm
and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His
buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the
trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through
The process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no
longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the altitude and
speed are decreasing rapidly.
The pilot speaks over the intercom ...
" I'm sorry things have come to this stage ladies and gentlemen, but
unfortunately we are going to have to jettison the luggage in order for the
aircraft to remain airborne ".
Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's altitude continues to decrease.
Once again the pilot gets on the intercom,
"I hate to do this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to
have to start off-loading some passengers.
The only fair way is to do this Alphabetically, so we'll start with the
letter 'A'".
"Africans? Are there any Africans on board?"
There was no answer so the pilot calls,
"Black people, are there any black people on board?"
Again silence.."
Colored…are there any colored people on board?"
Still there is silence.
A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother
and said,
"Mum, ain't we African?
...... Ain't we black?
.......Ain't we colored?"
She replied, "Yes, son but for the moment we is Niggers.
Let them do the Americans...and the Australians first,
.........then the Bhutanese, ............the British,
the Burmese,. ..the Canadians , the Chinese......
in that order......
till they reach the Sri Lankans, the Vatican & then Zambia
After that...
if the plane still needs more jettisoning...we is Zulus".
.....O.K?
"Who will help me plant my wheat?" asked the little red hen.
"Not I," said the cow.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Not I," said the pig.
"Not I," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself." She planted her crop and the wheat grew and
ripened.
"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Out of my classification," said the pig.
"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.
"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.
"Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen.
"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.
"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.
"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.
"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.
She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They
wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share but the little red hen said, "No,
I shall eat all five loaves."
"Excess profits!" cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)
"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)
"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)
The pig just grunted in disdain. (Harry Reid)
And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around
the little red hen, shouting obscenities.
Then the farmer (Obama) came He said to the little red hen, "You must not be
so greedy."
"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.
"Exactly," said Barack the farmer. "That is what makes our free enterprise
system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants.
But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must
divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle."
And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who
smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand."
But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked
bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the
Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.
Individual initiative had died but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared so
long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.
EPILOGUE
Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for hers.
That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years
repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.
IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT ?
There were these three girls who were getting married and they all met at
the marriage counsellor's office to discuss the options of having or not
having a baby right away.
There were two city girls and one farm girl. The counsellor asked them if
they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.
They all said that they had discussed this with their potential
husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile. Well, the counsellor asked the
first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was,
"The rhythm method". "That will work," said the counsellor, "but only if
you keep a good record."
He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. "I plan on using
birth control pills" she said. Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as
you don 't forget to take them".
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her
answer was, "The bucket and saucer method." After a short delay, he told
her that should also work. He asked them all to come back in one year on a
specific date for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant.
Only the farm girl was still slim and trim. Well, the counsellor asked the
first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used
the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am,
going to have a baby."'
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, "The
birth control pill . But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my
pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby."
He turns to the farm girl. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the
bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don 't have a clue what
the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has
worked well for you."
She replied, "Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a
bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down.
Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as
saucers ....
"I kick the bucket out from under him".
Girl: Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Ghana and
he lives in UK.We met on a dating website, became friends on facebook, had
long chats on whatsapp,he proposed to me on skype, and now we've had 2
months of relationship through viber.I need ur blessings and good wishes
daddy ..................
Dad said: Wow! Really!! then get married on twitter, have fun on tango. Buy
your kids on e-bay, send them thru gmail. And if you are fed up with your
husband.... sell him on amazon.
A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts
on their cell phones.
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send
her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a
friend.
She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I'm on the toilet. Please advise.
This is a story of self control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed
woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest
caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.
Here is her story:
While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with
my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce
issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. Alligator that suddenly emerged
from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must
have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me I
would not be here today!
Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator
got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk
pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus ... The amount I
saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.
The Royal Baby
It finally happened. Kate Middleton gave birth to a baby boy today. The baby
weighed about 8 pounds. Americans were like, "How much is that in dollars?"
Kate Middleton had her baby. The royal baby is 8 pounds. Then again, you
can't really put a price on a child.
The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
The royal baby has left the hospital. He will now go to one of the royal
estates, where he will rest comfortably — for the next 80 years.
This royal baby is third in line for the throne. To which Prince Charles
said, "It's a really slow-moving line."
William and Kate spent the morning thanking the hospital staff for all their
care. And the other patients spent the morning trying to find the hospital
staff. "My wife is having a baby too. Hello! Anybody?"
________________________________
Conan
The royal baby has been born. The royal baby was officially welcomed with a
62-gun salute. Because if there's one thing babies love, it's the sound of
repeated artillery fire.
Experts are predicting that the royal baby could pump $380 million into the
British economy. So the question is: How do we get this kid to move to
Detroit?
The royal baby is set to inherit $1 billion. In fact, he's so rich that he's
already dating a girl half his age.
President Obama has issued a statement about the royal baby. He told him to
hang on to the birth certificate. Those things come in handy.
________________________________
The Late Show With David Letterman
Britain's new prince is third in line to the throne. And listen to this — my
son is third in line for "The Late Show."
The young couple, William and Kate, would like it if we all would have
consideration and respect for their privacy. Well, they're off to a good
start, aren't they?
Buckingham Palace announced the child's gender. I wish they'd do the same
with Camilla.
________________________________
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
Today we got our first look at the royal baby. Hurray for Kate and William.
That little guy has only the tiniest tuft of hair on his head. And the
baby's got some hair too
When I took the entrance exam for medical school, I was perplexed by
this question:
"Rearrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out the part of the human
body that is most useful when erect."
Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. The rest are in Congress.
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into
her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my
mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak,
we're all going to Disney World!"
is this for real? or is it another urban legend? there is no way to
check its authenticity-- both the original letter or the response
(apparently from a sri lankan???)
perhaps they were both concocted.
The following article appeared in the NY Times.
Dear Editor:
I'm sorry but I would like to challenge some of your Asian male
readers. I am a White female who is engaged to an Asian male,
good-looking, educated and loving. I just don't understand a lot of
Asian female's attitudes about our relationship.
My man decided he wanted me because the pickings amongst Asian women
were slim to none. As he said they were either too fat, too loud, too
mean, too argumentative, too needy, too materialistic or carrying too
much excess baggage. Before I became engaged, whenever I went out I
was constantly approached by Asian men, willing to wine and dine me
and give me the world. If Asian women are so up in arms about us being
with their men, why don't they look at themselves and make some
changes. I am tired of the dirty looks I get and snide remarks when
we're out in public. I would like to hear from some Asian men about
why we white women are so appealing and coveted by them. Bryant Gumbel
just left his wife of 26 years for one of us. Charles Barkley, Scottie
Pippen, the model Tyson Beckford, Montell Williams, Quincy Jones,
James Earl Jones, Harry Belafonte, Sydney Poitier, Kofi Annan, Cuba
Gooding Jr., Don Cornelius, Berry Gordy, Billy Blanks, Larry
Fishburne, Wesley Snipes...!
I could go on and on. But, right now, I'm a little angry and that is
why I wrote this so hurriedly. Don't be mad with us White women
because so many of your men want us. Get your acts together and learn
from us and we may lead you to treat your men better. If I'm wrong,
Asian men, let me know.
Disgusted White Girl, Somewhere in VA.
The Response:
Dear Editor:
I would like to respond to the letter written by A Disgusted White Girl.
Let me start by saying that I am a 28-year old Sri Lankan man. I
graduated from one of the most prestigious universities in Atlanta ,
Georgia with a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Business Management. I have
a good job at a major corporation and have recently purchased a house.
So, I consider myself to be among the ranks of successful Non-White
men.
I will not use my precious time to slander white people. I just want
to set the record straight of why Asian men date white women. Back in
the day, one of the biggest reasons why Asian men dated white women
was because they were considered easy. The Sri Lankan girls in my
neighborhood were raised traditionally. They were very strict about
when they lost their virginity and who they lost it to. Because of our
impatience to wait, brothers would look for someone who would give it
up easy without too much hassle. So, they turned to the white girls.
Nowadays, in my opinion, a lot of Asian males date white women because
they are docile and easy to control. A lot of Asian men, because of in
securities, fears, and overall weaknesses, have become intimidated by
the strength of our Asian women. We are afraid that our woman will be
more successful than us, make more money than us, drive nicer cars and
own bigger houses. Because of this fear, many Asian men look for a
more docile woman! . Someone we can control. I have talked to numerous
Asian men and they continuously comment on how easy it is to control
and walk over their white women. .
I just want to set the record straight. I want A Disgusted White Girl
to know that not all successful Asian men date white women. Non-Whites
like Ahmad Rashad, Denzel Washington, Michael Jordan, Morris Chestnut,
Will Smith, Blair Underwood, Kenneth "Babyface" Edmonds, Samuel L.
Jackson, and Chris Rock all married strong Non-White women. And, to
flip the script, there are numerous white men, in and out of the spot
light, who openly or secretly desire Non-White women over white women.
Ted Danson, Robert DeNiro, and David Bowie to name a few.
I just don't want a disgusted white girl to be misinformed. Stop
thinking that because you are white that you are some type of goddess.
Remember, when Non-White Egyptian Queens like Hatsepshut and Nitorcris
were ruling Dynasties and armies of men in Egypt , you were over in
the caves of Europe eating raw meat and beating each other over the
head with clubs.
Read your history! It was the Non-White woman that taught you how to
cook and season your food. It was the Non-White woman that taught you
how to raise your children. It was Non-White women who were
breastfeeding and raising your babies during slavery. It is the
Non-White woman that had to endure watching their fathers, husbands,
and children beaten, killed, and thrown in jail. Asian women were born
with two strikes against them: being Non-White and being a woman.
And, through all this, Still They Rise!
It is because of the Asian women's strength, elegance, power, love and
beauty that I could never date anyone except my Sri Lankan Queen. It
is not just the outer beauty that captivates and draws me to them. It
is not the fact that they come in all shapes, sizes, colours and
shades that I love them. Their inner beauty is what I find most
appealing about Asian women. Their strong spirit, loving and nurturing
souls, their integrity, their ability to overcome great obstacles,
their willingness to stand for what they believe in, and their
determination to succeed and reach their highest potential while
enduring great pain and suffering is why I have fallen in love with
Asian women. I honestly believe that your anger is geared more toward
jealousy and envy than snotty looks. If this were not so, then why do
you continuously go to tanning salons to darken your skin? If you are
so proud to be white, then why don't you just be happy with your pale
skin?
Why do you continue to inject your lips, hips, and breasts with
unnatural and dangerous substances so you can look fuller and more
voluptuous? I think that your anger is really a result of you wanting
to have what the Non-White woman has.
BOTTOM LINE: If I were looking for a docile woman, someone I can walk
over and control, I would give you a call. But, unfortunately, I am
looking for a Virtuous Woman. Someone that can be a good wife and
mother to my children. Someone who can be my best friend and
understands my struggles. I am looking for a soul mate and;
unfortunately, you do not and CANNOT fit the bill.
No offense taken, none given.
Signed,
Sri Lankan Royalty
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do . Every day my husband
seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband
is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your
mouth.
Just swish and swish, but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room
or
goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband
started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he
calmed right down!
How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your
mouth shut that does the trick."
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in
the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife...."Just some drunk guy asking for a push,"
he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'well pouring with
rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
"God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the
husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
Man asks his doctor, "Can I have sex with my pregnant wife?"
The doctor replied:
"Yes. The first 3 months will be just like normal the next three
months you should do it like dog and the last three months you should
do it like tiger."
The man replies:
"Tiger? I don't know that method."
The doctor explains :
"Like Tiger Woods. Sleep with other women."
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin
Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
"Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to
challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit
shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in
his hand.
"Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.
"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But, there's a man named
Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to
make him a Cardinal. Then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal
representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll
also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea.
The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope
of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, "
said Nicklaus.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some
pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever
played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long
and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect.
With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" asked the Pope.
"Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods."
A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the
prisoner in the prison."
And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with
satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison
him."
After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.
The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the
husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,
I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's arse anymore.
.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while
.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the
good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the lamp post.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to
play chess.
16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter .
. .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here
after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE..........??????
Probably!
A Simple, not-so-intelligent, but Sincere Prayer.
My dear God you know that I am growing older.
Keep me from becoming too talkative, from repeating all my jokes and
anecdotes,
And
Particularly keep me from falling into the tiresome habit of expressing an
opinion on every subject.
Release me from craving to straighten out everyone's affairs.
Keep my mind free from recital of endless details.
Give me wings to get to the point.
Give me the grace, dear GOD, to listen to others as they describe their
aches and pains.
Help me endure the boredom with patience and keep my lips sealed,
For my own aches and pains are increasing in number and intensity,
And the pleasure of discussing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by.
Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally, I might be mistaken.
Keep me reasonably sweet.
I do not wish to be a saint (Saints are so hard to live with), but a sour
old person is the work of the devil.
Make me thoughtful, but not moody,
Helpful, but not pushy,
Independent,
Yet able to accept with graciousness favours that others wish to bestow on
me.
Free me of the notion that simply because I have lived a long time,
I am wiser than those who have not lived so long.
I am older, but not necessarily wiser!
If I do not approve of some of the changes that have taken place in recent
years, give me the wisdom to keep my mouth shut.
GOD, please know that when the end comes,
I would like to have a friend or two left!
No1
A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife's
nipples while she was asleep.
The next day, their driver died of poisoning.
**************************************
No2
A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS.
His son asked Dad why?
He answered, so that when I am dead, no one will sleep with your mum.
****************...**********************
No3
A lady lost three panties in her house and blamed her maid in front of the
husband.
Maid said sir you are my witness you know I never wear panties.
************************************
No4
Couple is having a quickie and their 6 year old catches them,
Son: "What are you doing?" Ask the son.
Father: "I'm putting petrol on your Mom."
Son: "Haauu - Haauu! Which means Mom's engine is taking too much petrol
cause Mr Zwane has put in yesterday."
Mother fainted!
**************************************
No5
A man went to the pub with his wife.
When he left for the counter to buy drinks a prostitute approached his wife
& whispered:
"You must DEMAND cash before sex, I know him he doesn't pay.
**************************************
No6 - Classic
An 8 year old boy is accused of rape*.
In court his lady lawyer holds his dick out as evidence saying, "Your honour
see this, can he rape* with this tiny tot?
The boy whispers, "Don't shake it, we'll lose the case!"
**************************************
Now that you've smiled, don't be stingy with the smiles, share them With
friends
Students in an advanced Biology class,
were taking their mid term exam.
The last question was,
'Name seven advantages, of Mother's Milk.'
The question was worth 70 points, or none at all.
One student in particular, was hard put to think,
of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:
1) It is the perfect milk formula, for the child.
2) It provides immunity, against several diseases.
3) It is always at the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available, as and when needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the
bell rang to indicate, that the end of the test had come, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers, and is high enough off the ground,
where pussycats can't reach them.
He got an, "A" pass.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0%2c2933%2c584807%2c00.html
Owing to an unfortunate matter of translation, Pakistani diplomat
Akbar Zeb will not become the next Pakistani ambassador to Saudi
Arabia.
Mr Zeb's credentials are impressive: he is the former envoy to the
United States, India, South Africa and Canada. But despite his
impressive career, his name proved to be an immovable hurdle
When translated into Arabic, it means "Large penis".
In a region that stresses modesty in public, this could not stand.
Akbar is a customary Muslim name meaning "great", and while Zeb is not
an uncommon Pakistani name, in Arabic it is a slang
reference to the penis and never used in polite conversation.
Obviously the diplomat's Arab hosts felt that references to "His
Excellency the Big Dick" would not go over well.
A Saudi cultural critic said, "The media wouldn't dare to publish a
name like this So every time he would be in the media they
would have to face the name issue, and it would make it difficult to
work with him.
That would be an embarrassment for Pakistan."
Said an analyst, "You cannot just pronounce that name. It's too awkward.
How would he be announced at events? How would he be written about?"
According to the Arab Times, this is the third instance of an
Arabic-speaking country refusing Mr. Zeb's ambassadorship David Kenner
of Foreign Policy magazine wrote that the issue was a source of
embarrassment for Pakistan. "One can only assume that submitting Zeb's
name to Arabic-speaking countries is some unique form of punishment
designed by the Pakistani Foreign Ministry," he wrote, "Or the result
of a particularly egregious cock- up."
...............................
We in sri lanka are more civilized, modern and penis (Zeb) neutral,
whether large or small.
We have accepted Indian Diplomats sporting the entire spectrum of
Zebs!, i.e. Mahalingam (big Zeb), Kuda lingam (small Zeb),
Panchalingam (five bloody Zebs!) Bahulingam (multi-Zeb), Shivalingam
(Holy Zeb) and even Paskaralingam (mother of all Zebs!)
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding
a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department
of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania .
This guy's response is Hilarious but read the State's letter before
you get to the response letter.
This is the actual letter:
State of Pennsylvania 's letter to Mr. DeVries:
SUBJECT: DEQ .... File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20;
Lycoming County
.
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality, that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the
above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the
legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following
unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across
the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity..
A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been
issued Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity
is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural
Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public
Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the
Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and
flooding at downstream locations..
We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and
cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to
cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush
forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work
shall be completed no later than January 31, 2010.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed
so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.
Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized
activity on the site may result in this case, being referred for
elevated enforcement action..
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any
questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.
_________________________________________________________________
Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File
No.. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr.. Price,
Your certified letter dated 11/17/09 has been handed to me.
I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at
2088 Dagget Lane ,
Trout Run, Pennsylvania .
A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and
maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of
my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise
their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you
call their skillful use of nature's building materials 'debris.'
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate
their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe
I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam
skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your
request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first
fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to
said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed
copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have
been issued. (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation
of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource
and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of
1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled
Laws, annotated.)
I have several dam concerns.
My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal
representation ? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially
destitute and are unable to pay for said representation --
so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.
The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the
dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof
that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required
to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond
Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam
names.
If you want the dammed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow
condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to
arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam
letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to
build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass
is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights
than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of
Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its
name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the
environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why
wait until 1/31/2010 ? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the
dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam
staff to contact/harass them.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the
bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely
believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave
the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam,
watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable
to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this
response to your dam office.
THANK YOU,
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends
over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt
up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any
skivvies?', Ole demanded. Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping
money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and
says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50.
Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball
on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she,
too, is wearing no undies.
'You woman of mine'! You've no knickers on. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says ,
'For the sake of decency, here's a 20.
Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.
The wind also takes her skirt over her head
to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Fur Jake's sake, Aggie! Where the friggin hell
are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinnae give me enough
money tae be able tae afford any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well,
fur the love 'o decency, here's a comb......
Tidy yerself up a bit.
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there,
and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is
embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her
what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy
handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room
full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear
or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited
several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiledsmugly, knowing he had taken
her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter...
Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.
We hang petty thieves and appoint the great thieves to public office.
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed
by those who are dumber.
~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where
there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm
beginning to believe it.
~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go
out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds
from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."
I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I will
stop telling the truth about them".
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..
*Any guesses as to who originated the next two (which I found
Churchillian!) or the last one?.. Don
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be
left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to
change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924
Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)
I am reminded of a joke: What happens if a politician drowns in a
river? That is pollution.
What happens if all of them drown? That is solution!!!
A guy goes hunting. A gust of wind blew. The gun fell over and
discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying
in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is
that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin there
was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the
buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage
done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to
have to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister
a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor.
"She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to
teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
Close first cousins got caught sneaking
Having sex in the barn squeaking.
And though it's unlawful
They weren't all that awful;
At least,relatively speaking.
The American Indian Counsel has repeatedly requested that the NFL
disassociate itself from using objectionable Indian names over the last few
years.
The Washington Redskins, finally agreeing with that request, will therefore
change their team name to the Washington Foreskins in honour of all the
pricks in Washington, DC.
Changes are to take effect immediately.
Guy in bar:
"I'm here to fulfil your wildest dreams."
Gal:
"No shit! Have you really got a donkey and a German shepherd?"
"It's funny," says Samantha, "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I'm
sucking his dick."
"You know what?" replies Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard."
They turn to the third blonde and ask,
"When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"
"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!"
"You're crazy," one of the blondes pipes up. "A good blow job is the best
way to keep a guy. You should try it."
She says she'll think about it.
The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the blow job novice is sporting
a wicked shiner.
"Whoa!" the first blonde asks. "How did you get that black eye?"
"Chris hit me when I was blowing him," she says.
"What on earth for?" the second blonde asks.
"I don't know," she replies. "All I did was tell him how strange it was that
his balls were so warm, seeing as how Pete's and Richard's are so cold."
Good:
The teacher likes your son.
Bad:
Sexually.
Worse:
He's gay.
THERE ONCE WAS A FARMER FROM LEEDS
WHO SWALLOWED A PACKET OF SEEDS
IT SOON CAME TO PASS
HE WAS COVERED WITH GRASS
BUT HAS ALL THE TOMATOES HE NEEDS
====
A BATHER WHOSE CLOTHING WAS STREWED
BY WINDS THAT LEFT HER QUITE NUDE
SAW A MAN COME ALONG
AND UNLESS WE ARE WRONG
YOU EXPECTED THIS LINE TO BE LEWD
====
THERE ONCE WAS A MAN FROM NANTUCKET
WHO KEPT ALL HIS CASH IN A BUCKET
BUT HIS DAUGHTER NAMED NAN
RAN AWAY WITH A MAN
AND AS FOR THE BUCKET, NAN TUCKET
THERE ONCE WAS A YOUNG LADY NAMED BRIGHT
WHOSE SPEED WAS MUCH FASTER THAN LIGHT
SHE SET OUT ONE DAY
IN A RELATIVE WAY
AND RETURNED ON THE PREVIOUS NIGHT
====
A FLEA AND A FLY IN A FLUE
WERE IMPRISONED SO WHAT COULD THEY DO
SAID THE FLY LET US FLEE
LET US FLY SAID THE FLEA
SO THEY FLEW THROUGH A FLAW IN THE FLUE
====
THERE ONCE WAS A MAN FROM TIBET
WHO COULDN'T FIND A CIGARRETT
SO HE SMOKED ALL HIS SOCKS
AND GOT CHICKEN-POCKS
AND HAD TO GO TO THE VET
Good: You have a great vibrator.
Bad: You can't find it.
Worse: Your daughter 'borrowed' it
An old West Virginny mountaineer and his young ex-wife were fighting over
custody of their children.
The mother protested that since she brought them kids into this world, she
should retain custody of them.
The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story. After a long
moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked,
"Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out,
does it belong to me or the machine?"
Good. You're wife is great in the bedroom
Bad: She's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
A medical student just finished her last semester and was heading out to
apply to a hospital.
The director of the hospital thought the woman was very bright and had a lot
of potential.
But the doctor wanted to ask her a few questions just to quiz her.
"Well." said the doctor, "you seem very qualified. But a few questions
before we make anything definite, OK?"
"Of course," said the woman."
"Ok, what do we call the operation of removing your tonsils?" asked the
director
"That's easy," the woman said, "A tonsillectomy."
"Very good. OK, What is the removal of your appendix called?" the director
continued.
"I believe that is an appendectomy," the woman said confidentially
"Good job. One more. What do we call a sex change operation?" the director
asked.
Now the woman was very intelligent and she learned every medical term known
to man, but for some reason she could not remember what a sex change
operation was called.
She sat staring at the wall for some time before the director began to get
anxious.
"Do you know?" he asked repeatedly.
Regaining her composure she finally smiled and said,
"Of course, addadictomy."
Good: Your wife has a high paying job.
Bad: She's been arrested for soliciting.
Worse: You're the John
An analyst was listening to a voluptuous beauty with a problem of her own.
"It's liquor, doctor," she sobbed. "I'm really a very nice girl, but just as
soon as I've had a drink or two, I become uncontrollably passionate and I
want to make love to whomever I happen to be with."
"I see," the analyst said thoughtfully. "Well, suppose I just mix us up a
couple of cocktails here and then you and I can sit down, nice and relaxed,
and discuss this compulsive neurosis of yours."
Good: The secretary said, "Yes."
Bad: Your wife says, "No."
Worse: The secretary is pregnant
A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing next season, but
when he gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her and starts
kicking up dust. The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because she won't
be able to race, so he calls the vet.
The vet tells him to tie a bed sheet around the filly's rump to keep the
stallion away.
So that day, the farmer does just that.
The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's
solution worked, but the filly is nowhere to be found.
The farmer follows her hoof trail to the neighbor's farm, and sees the
neighbor's kid out by their barn.
"Hey young man," the farmer calls, "did you see a filly run by with a bed
sheet tied around her rump?"
The kid replies,
"No sir, but one dashed past here early this morning with a handkerchief
sticking out of her ass."
Good: Your car conveniently 'runs out of gas'.
Bad: For real.
Worse: It's 25 miles to the nearest gas station.
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod
cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up while not in use.
Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks
or any wear, particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.
Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's
plenty of shot in your bag.
Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's ten
An Irish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blistery day, the daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing
cold."The mother replied,"'Put them between your legs and your body heat
will warm them up''The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.The next day
the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing
cold.''The girl replied, "'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my
body will warm them up."He did and warmed his hands.The following day the
boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is
cold."The girl replied "'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will
warm it up.''He did and warmed his nose.The day after the boyfriend was
again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen
solid.''The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother
again, and she asks her mother, " Have you ever heard of a penis?''Concerned
the mother said, "Why yes...... why do you ask?''The daughter replies,(This
is classic!)..............''They make one hell of a mess when they defrost,
don't they!"?
But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed,
Patrick called to his buddy, "Sean, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye."
Sean walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.
"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere.
I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."
O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in
all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they
plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave
so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all
eternity."
O'Brian was overcome and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request,
he asked,
"Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But,
might I strain it through me kidneys first?
A boy and a girl agree to go on a date. The boy arrives at her house with a
bunch of flowers. To his surprise, she answers the door in a small towel
showing most of her beautiful feminine assets. 'I'm sorry' she exclaims,
'I'm running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my
parents who will entertain you while I finish dressing. should warn you
though, they're both deaf mutes." With this, she ushers him into the
living room, introduces him to her parents and disappears.
This is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely
silent. Dad is watching football on TV and Mum is busy knitting. After
about 10 minutes of silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt,
pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her backside. Just
as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch
and takes her from behind. He then sits back in his chair & balances a
match stick in front of his eye.
The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the boy is shocked into
disbelief. After 10 minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready
for the evening. The date is a complete disaster. The boy is totally
pre-occupied by the antics of the girl's Parents. At the end of the date,
sensing something is seriously wrong, the girl asks the boy, "What's the
matter? What have I done wrong?"
"No, it's not you", he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing
happened whilst I was waiting for you and I'm still shocked. Well, first
your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her
panties and throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that ain't
enough, your father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does
her from behind. He then sits back and places a match stick by his eye".
"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The boy can't believe her casual
response.
"Mum was simply saying 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?', and
Dad was replying 'No f *ck him, I'm watching the match!"
On the Editorial page of today's Daily Mirror (27th May 2013) someone had
wanted to know the correct pronunciation of TIMBUKTU.
He said he had thought it was pronounced as TIMBUCKTOO but he had heard SLBC
Radio Announcer, Nihal Bharetti pronouncing it as TIMBOOKTOO.
He wanted to know which was correct.
The following illustrates the correct pronunciation.
I could send it to the Daily Mirror but I am sure they would not publish it
-
"Tim and I a hunting went,
Met three tarts in a pop-up tent.
They were three and we were two,
So, I bucked one and Tim bucked two"
The Archbishop of Canterbury and
The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the
climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as
English Weather.
Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the
UK population, it will now be referred to as:
'Muslim Weather'
(Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite)
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 79.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!
~~~~~
Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
and take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that,
by the time you're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time
to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding,
severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another,
and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks,
are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the
Pledge of Allegiance?"
On the beach woman lay in the buff,
And she hoped that she'd soon get enough
Oral sex from a guy
Who was just walking by;
'Twas a chance that she hoped he would muff.
The first old geezer said,
"My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"
The second old fogy one-upped him.
"My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all
my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said,
"That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I
came three times."
A bartender is preparing to open for the night when he hears a knock at the
door,
He opens the door and a beautiful blonde is standing there.
She says,
"I'm shy could I get a drink before you open?"
So, he lets her in.
"What`ll it be?"
"Twenty-five whiskeys please. Just line 'em up."
He is shocked that she would want so much, but he fills them and he watches
her down the lot one by one.
She then collapsed on the floor.
The bartender looks over the bar, not bad he thinks and takes her upstairs.
When he has had enough, he goes back down to open up.
It's a really busy night and to boost business he sells the girl for a
twenty bucks per go.
Everyone wants a turn, and he makes a fortune.
When he has closed up, he takes the girl and puts her outside the door where
she first came from and he counts his profits.
The next night, at the same time the doorbell rings again so he answers and
the girl is back.
He can`t believe his luck.
Inviting her in he asks,
"Twenty five whiskeys again, Darling?"
"Oh" she replies, "No vodka please. Whiskey makes my twat sore."
I knew a guy who was into bondage, bestiality, & necrophilia but he finally
gave it up.
He said it was too much like flogging a dead horse.
The secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.
The boss called her into his office and said,
"Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I
expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told
you you could come and go as you please around here?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,
"My lawyer."
One guy is very upset and yells at his friend,
"You slept with my wife, you son of a bitch. I am gonna make you pay for
what you did."
"Bullshit," replies the other one, "why should I pay twice."
Two little girls, pushing their doll buggies in the park, meet for the first
time.
Examining the other's doll buggy and baby, each exclaimed,
"Oh what a pretty baby and baby buggy you have. Where did you get your baby
and what did it cost?"
"My Mommy got mine at a sale at a Super K Mart store for $32.95"
"Oh that's great!.. She's so pretty."
"Well thank you. And where did you get your baby? She's such a beautiful
little doll."
"Mommy got mine at Wal Mart for $32.04, the last one they had."
"Well she is certainly beautiful. You must be very proud of her."
Just then a real mommy came by with her firstborn.
Naturally, the oo's and AA's started ending with the same question,
'Where did you get your baby and how much did he cost?'
"Well, I got my baby at the Sutter Maternity Hospital and it cost about
$5,000."
The two little girls were stunned.
The group broke up, the real mommy walked on.
Finally, one of the little girls turned to the other and said,
"You know, I don't know what you think about that deal, but if you ask me,
she REALLY got screwed!"
Dave returned home late and found a naked man with a hard-on in his wife's
bedroom closet.
"Hey, what the hell are you doing in there?"
"I'm riding a bus," the man replied.
"That's a dumb, stupid thing to say!"
"Well, that was a stupid question for you to ask!"
He: "If I could see you completely naked, I'd die happy."
She: "Maybe, but if I saw YOU naked, I'd die laughing."
Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous. Recently, a female
police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was
fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.
The next day, at the Gwinnett County, Georgia, courthouse, Lawrence was
charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public
intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home
from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is
soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least
I thought there wasn't anyone around," he stated.
The defendant went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole
in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. "Guess I was really into
it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching
police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor
approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I
walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Lawrence. "I said: 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you're having
sex with a pumpkin?'
"He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
looked me straight in the face and said:
'A pumpkin? Shit! Is it midnight already?'"
A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with whom, and to whom.
After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a New Jersey suburb, a fellow
passenger on a train asked how he liked it in the country.
"It was difficult at first," the man replied, "but it's a lot better since I
got myself a paramour."
The passenger was astonished.
"A paramour?" he said.
"Does your wife know?"
"Sure", said the Southerner. "She doesn't care how I cut the grass."
When you cross LSD with a birth control pill,
You get a trip without the kids.
A woman brought a picture into a frame shop to be framed.
"I have just the thing," the shopkeeper said.
He disappeared into the back room and returned with several frames.
"Which one would you like?" he asked.
"The burgundy one," the woman answered.
Thinking about how it would be fastened to a wall, the shopkeeper turned the
frame over, studied the back and said to the woman,
"Do you want a screw for this frame?"
The woman gasped and bellowed,
"What kind of girl do you think I am?"
My cousin Vinny is in a bad spot.
He has a bad inner ear problem that needs surgery soon, or he'll lose his
hearing on that side.
He has no insurance, though, and the cost is way too much for him.
He does have a way out, though.
A local widow has offered to pay for the operation, but only if he'll marry
her afterwards!
She's 20 years older than him and not very bright.
You could call it a wife or deaf situation.
Jewish girls have gold diaphragms
So they can tell their fathers that their boyfriends are cumming into money!
On a trip to the USA, a wealthy Arab fell in love with Susan.
He begged her to marry him, but she refused, saying that she had no
intention of leaving America to live in a desert. Immediately, the Arab
bought several grand homes across the USA, from New England to California,
and he took Susan on a tour of the homes, flying her from place to place in
his private jet.
Susan was impressed, and she agreed to marry him.
Six weeks later, in tears, she phoned her father and asked him to take her
back home.
"Whatever for?" asked her father.
"I've married a pervert," she cried.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"I don't want to talk about it," she said. "Just come and take me home."
So, her father drove to her New England home.
Arriving there, richly ornate gold gates opened electronically, and he drove
along a wide, straight drive lined with oaks and maples.
And at the end of the mile-long drive was a building so grand that it made
the White House look like a dog kennel.
He climbed the solid marble steps to huge doors, at least twelve feet tall,
and there he met his daughter, waiting for him with her two bags packed and
ready to go.
"Oh, father," she cried. "Take me away from here at once. I cannot bear to
stay a moment longer."
Her father could not believe that she should want to leave such splendour.
"What's wrong, dear?" he asked.
"The man is a pervert!" she exclaimed.
He asked his daughter to explain this perversion that was upsetting her so.
"When I married him," she sobbed, my ass-hole was as tight as a penny piece,
and now, it's as big as a half dollar."
"Nay," said her father. "Surely you're not go to leave all this for the sake
of forty-nine cents!"
"How is it I find you sleeping with my daughter?" stormed the outraged
father. "I ask you, you little bastard, how is it?" "Why, just great, sir,"
replied the calm young man, 'just great!"
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the
newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea.
Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family
phoned and complained bitterly,
"You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea."
Replied the widow,
"Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for
posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he
really was."
"Johnny," the teacher started, "do you know what 'paranoia' means?"
"It's not a word, teach, it's several words," Johnny replied.
"Whatever do you mean by that?"
"It's like when you go into a restaurant and a well endowed waitress with a
low cut uniform reaches in front of you and says, 'Does my pair annoy ya?'"
A woman who uses too much contraceptive cream is
A spermicidal maniac.
Howard was feeling guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
Every once in a while he'd hear a soothing voice trying to reassure him -
"Howard, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one
of his patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -
"Howard, you're a veterinarian."
A man is dying of cancer.
His son asked
"Dad, why do you keep telling people you are dying of AIDS?"
Dad replied:
"So when I'm dead no one is going to screw your mom."
A little boy goes up to his father and asks:
"Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies:
"Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be
best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have
sex with the mailman for $500,000."
The boy goes and asks his mother:
"Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?"
The mother replies:
"Hell yes, I would!"
The little boy returns to his father:
"Dad, she said 'Hell yes, I would!"
The father then says:
"Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal
for $500,000."
The boy asks his sister:
"Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?"
The sister replies:
"Hell yes, I would!"
He returns to his father:
"Dad, she said 'Hell yes, I would!"
The father answers:
"Okay son, here's the deal: hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in
reality, we're just living with a couple of whores!
Cinderella is sitting home, crying.
A fairy flies by and hears the crying,
So he decides to check it out.
He goes in and asks Cinderella:
"Why are you crying?"
"Others are at the ball, but I can't go there!"
"Why?"
"I'm having my period"
"Others have periods too, but they are at the ball?"
"Yes, but I don't have a tampon!"
So, the fairy gives Cinderella a golden tampon, packed in a silver box.
Even Cinderella's step-mother doesn't have so beautiful tampons.
So, Cinderella goes to the ball.
Later that night, past midnight, Cinderella comes home, her legs spread wide
open, like she has given birth to five babies. The same fairy happens to see
her and asks, what happened?
"You didn't tell me that when it's midnight it will turn into a pumpkin!"
A very short man was dancing with a very tall woman.
He propositioned her, but all he got was a bust in the mouth.
Eventually, he went to bed with the woman, but his friends had to put him up
to it.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are lying in bed one night.
Sherlock runs off to the kitchen and comes back with a jar of lemon curd.
Quickly he turns Dr Watson over onto his knees and starts smearing it around
his bum.
"Sherlock, what the hell are you doing?" Dr Watson gasps.
Sherlock smiles and replies.
"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson".
Roses are awful
Violets are the pits
Lift up your shirt
And show us your tits
Here are Biblical bloopers from Sunday school students:
*** FROM THE OLD TESTAMENT***
** In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, the Lord got tired of creating
the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
** Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.
** Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
** Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears.
** Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
** The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
unsympathetic Genitals.
** Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like
Delilah.
** Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.
** Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread,
which is bread made without any ingredients.
** Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
** The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
** The Fifth Commandment is humour thy mother and father.
** The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
** Moses died before he ever reached the UK.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
** The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him
** David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical
times.
** Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
** And... FROM THE NEW TESTAMENT **
** When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus- in
the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.
** St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
** Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before-
they do one to you.
He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
** It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.
** The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
** A Christian should have only one wife.
This is called monotony.
** The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
** One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
** When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
Carta.
** St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.
He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
Confucius Say:
It's OK to let a fool kiss you; but don't let a kiss fool you.
Confucius Say:
A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.
Confucius Say:
It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.
Confucius Say:
Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy.
Confucius Say:
Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax doesn't know if he's coming or going.
Confucius Say:
A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
Confucius Say:
Marriage is like a bank account.
You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest.
Confucius Say:
Viagra is like Disneyland ... A one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
Confucius Say:
It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you
do not want
Confucius Say:
A joke is like sex.
Neither is any good if you don't get it.
A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the clerk said,
"Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most realistic
model."
The woman said,
"You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?"
"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft for
the rest of the night."
A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately
notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.
The first guy says
"Wow, that's a huge lighter. Where did you get it?"
The guy replies
"A genie from this bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure."
The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears.
"You are granted one wish" says the genie.
The guy says,
"I want a million bucks!
"Done" says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and pouring in
come ducks.
Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar
door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish,
"I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy then says,
"Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"
When you mix a rooster with a telephone pole,
You get a 30 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
A teenage girl came home from school and asks her mother,
"Is it true what Rita just told me?"
"What's that?" asks her mother.
"That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said
her daughter.
"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the Subject had finally
come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my
teeth out?"
Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and
farting,
So I knew I made it home ok!
There was a Chinese father named Cheng who was very close to his son.
They used to go everywhere together including looking for "birds" (Chinese
slang for prostitute).
One day, Chung the son decided to go overseas for study.
The father was very supportive, and before his son left, the father told
him,
"Chung we cannot look for chicken together for the next few years. However,
if you need to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it. But
please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that your mother will not
suspect."
So, the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill from
Chung, the son,...... (shooting bird - $300).
Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird is
more than $700.
Well, the father could not tolerate this,
So, he wrote to his son.
"Chung Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper
one".
A month later, Cheng, the father, received another bill from his son.
On it he had written: "Shooting Bird - $50 & Rifle Repair - $2,000."
They are called Asteroids
Because
They were first discovered around Uranus.
Frannie went to the doctor, saying she had a problem with her aviaries.
The doctor said,
"Frannie, you're being silly. You mean ovaries. Aviaries are where you find
birds."
Frannie shook her head and said she meant 'aviaries'.
Not prepared to argue, the doctor told her to get on the couch for an
inspection.
After a quick look, he said,
"Well, Frannie, you're right! There's been a cockatoo in there."
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students
on sexual morality.
"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of
temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of
pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said,
"Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
a very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a real
Rugby player.
They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.
On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV,
people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg,
he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
'What's that ?' the lady asks...
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoois seen on TV."
Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that
says AIDS.
The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"
The man replies: "No, no...!!! CALM DOWN!!!
It will say ADIDAS in a minute."
There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
But he hadn't the knack,
And he got too far back,
In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
A fat man was seated on his front steps drinking a can of beer when a
busybody spinster from down the street began to berate him for his
appearance.
"What a disgusting sight," she said. "If that belly was on a woman, I'd
swear she was pregnant."
To which the man smiled and replied,
"Madam, it was and she is."
The room called where enlisted women blow the officers is called
The headquarters.
Murray had a new flame, and before long they had a difference of opinion.
"I don't like the way you're carrying on with other guys," he ranted, "That
must stop!"
"Calm down, Murray," she replied, "There's no reason for you to flip.
Listen, don't I always let you take me to shows?" "Yeah."
"And to dinner?"
"That's right."
"And don't I let you buy me flowers and clothes, and other gifts?"
"Yeah."
"So, what are you getting excited about," she assured him, "I only use the
other guys for love-making."
A good sermon is like a woman's skirt,
Long enough to cover the essentials
And
Short enough to keep you interested.
A man checks into a hotel and the desk clerk asks, very quietly, if he would
like a woman sent to his room.
The man says yes.
The desk clerk says,
"I have a stenographer, a switchboard operator or a teacher. Which one
should I send up?"
With this the man replies,
"I'll take the teacher."
When the man checks out the next morning, the desk clerk says,
"I'm curious, why did you pick the teacher instead of the stenographer or
the switchboard operator?"
The man replies,
"The stenographer would say that she can't take it as fast as I give it. The
switchboard operator would cut me off before I'm finished, but the teacher
would tell me to do it over and over again until I get it right."
I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
she's shoved so much meat in her mouth, Nathan's banned her from the Hot Dog
Eating Contest.
A professor is lecturing his class on the possibility of finding joy in
unusual activities.
"Even the most natural and common actions can provide an immense amount of
pleasure. For example, a good bowel movement can be as enjoyable as making
love."
A student starts madly waving his hand and stands up when acknowledged.
"Professor," he says, "either you don't know how to screw, or I don't know
how to shit!"
A friend said there was nothing worse than waking up with a sore head and
less money than you thought you had.
I said,
"Could be worse, you could have a sore ass and MORE money than you thought
you had."
Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging.
"My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," says Sadie. "She goes
out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and
clothes, and lots of boyfriends. "
Sophie replies,
"Yeah, my daughter's a whore too."
Bad:
You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse:
You're in it.
Dave had just returned from his honeymoon and was settling down in their new
apartment.
Coming home from work one night the landlady met Dave in the hallway and
said,
"I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if
you and your new bride would like to have them?"
"I'll ask her," Dave responded.
He opened the door to his apartment and called out,
"Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"
"No way!!," his bride retorted, "If you show me one more trick with that
thing, I'm going home to my Mother!"
Roses are red
That's elementary
Let's call up a friend
And try double entry
In Japan in a soap manufacturing company, they were making bathing soaps.
The soap blocks were made, then wrapped in a wrapping paper automatically on
an assembly conveyer belt and finally packed in cartons.*
Many times it happened that the wrapping machine wrapped the paper without
soap. i.e. you had an empty packet without soap. To rectify this problem
the Japanese company bought a x-ray scanner from the US for $60,000/- to
check on the assembly line whether the container contained soap and wasn't
empty.
A similar problem happened at Nirma soaps, Ahmedabad.
Guess what the Gujjus did?
They bought a Crompton fan costing around $60/= and placed it on the mouth
of the assembly line.
--the empty wrappers without soap just blew away!!!
