XXX ADULT PUNS!

I thought that we never would part
So, I gave to that trollop, my heart
But the slut often strays
She's not mended her ways
It appears I have made a false tart


There was a large revival meeting on the outskirts of town, and at the
appropriate corner there was a large sign proclaiming the following:
"If you are weary of sin and want to be saved, turn here, go 100 yards, and
come into the revival tent."
Below the sign someone had hung another smaller one, which read:
"If NOT weary, call Sherry 867-5309."

Chris Christie's office announced that the Governor, trying to lose weight,
has undergone a "Lap-Band" procedure. Although when Bill Clinton called to
congratulate him Christie had to explain,
"Uh Mr. President, that's BAND, not DANCE."

An old farmer decided to get a new rooster for his hens because the current
rooster was getting on in years.
He bought a young rooster and turned it loose into the barnyard.
The old rooster eyed the new arrival with concern and said,
"So, you're the new lover in town? I'm not ready for the chopping block just
yet. I am still the better bird, and to prove it, I challenge you to a race
around the hen house. We'll run around 10 times, and whoever finishes first
gets all the hens to him self."
"You're on."
The young rooster said,
"And considering you age, I'll even give you a head start of about a half
lap."
The two birds took their marks and the race began.
After the first lap, he was still ahead, but by the fifth lap he was barely
in the front of the young rooster.
The farmer, hearing the commotion, grabbed his shotgun, and ran out into the
barnyard, and watch in disgust as the two roosters ran around the hen house.
He aimed his shotgun, fired, and blew away the young rooster. As the farmer
walked away; mumbling to him self.
"Damn that is the third cock sucking rooster I've bought this month."

The most enjoyable form of sex education is
The Braille method.

The pretty teacher is concerned about one of her eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asks,
"Johnny, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," The boy sighs.
Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asks,
"With whom?"
"With you," he admits with a blush.
"But Johnny," she says gently, "don't you see how silly this is? It's true
that I would like a husband of my own one day, but I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry, teacher," the boy replies reassuringly. "I'll use a
condom."

"Darling," murmured the girl to her boyfriend, "when did you first realize
that you were in love with me?"
"Well, I suppose," whispered the man tenderly, "it was when I started
getting angry with all the other guys in the office who said you were a
lousy lay."

Little Johnny was only six years old when he tried to feel his sister's
friend's private area.
She slapped him, and said not to because it has teeth and will bite.
As the years passed, and Little Johnny grew to become a man, he was sitting
in his car with his girlfriend, rubbing her thighs and squeezing her
breasts, when she said,
"Aren't you going to feel my pussy?"
He said,
"I can't, Its got teeth!"
"Don't be a fool," she said, "Have a look if you don't believe me."
So, he thought about it, then took off her panties and spread her legs.
He looked in and said,
"I'm not surprised you haven't got any teeth with gums like that!"

Confucius Say:
A chicken is the result of a sitting hen,
While
A baby is the result of standing cock.

A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was
mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler.
The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break
them up, to no avail.
A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass and the action
immediately stopped.
The lady was amazed.
"How did you do that?" she asked.
The little boy said,
"That's my dog and he can dish it out, but he can't take it."

Giving a BJ is a win/lose situation.
He may have you on your knees, but you have him by the balls!

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Best Blonde Joke To Date..

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast
when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked,
'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.
My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back
which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo.

They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them
on the road all day.. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ?
I'll give you $100 for your trouble...'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car
and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the
Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!


There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands
with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded,
'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over ---
So now we're going to Sea World.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

A guy was screwing his girlfriend in a park by the side of the road when a
cop car pulled up.
"Just what the hell do you think your doing?" asked the cop.
The guy looked up at the cop and said,
"I'm screwing my girlfriend!"
"Great!" said the cop, "I'm next!"
"Sounds good to me," replied the guy, "I have never screwed a cop before!"

Hey, don't knock masturbation!
It's sex with someone you love.

A man walks in to a psychiatrist's office and lies down one the couch.
The shrink says,
"What makes you think you need the services of a psychiatrist?"
The man replies that he wakes up every night in the kitchen after some
pretty crazy sleepwalking.
The shrink says,
"So, would you like me to try to cure you of sleepwalking?"
The man explains that the sleepwalking isn't really the problem.
Every time he wakes up he is in the same place, doing the same thing -- He
has his pajamas around his ankles and his dick in a jar of peanuts.
The psychiatrist says,
"I think I know what your problem is. You're fuckin' nuts."

I was banging this nice lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front
door open.
She said,
"It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran -- but you don't get offers like
that every day.

"That new girl in the typing pool is driving me crazy!" bemoaned Rich to
Ernie. "That girl is a real mirage."
"Aren't you using the wrong word?" asked Ernie. "A mirage is something you
can see but can't feel."
"Yeah," came the reply "That describes her exactly!"

John was on a business trip for a few days, and one night he went looking
for a little 'action'.
He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar, and took her back to his hotel
room.
Little did he know that she had a snapping pussy and was darn near a
nymphomaniac.
After six times having sex, she was screaming for more.
After the eighth time, John told her that he needed to slip out for a pack
of cigarettes.
One the way out, he stopped into the men's room.
He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and felt a moment of
panic when he couldn't find his tool.
After a couple of minutes fishing around, he finally said,
"Look. It's okay. She's not here!"

I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I screwed a girl called Penny -- Is that spooky or what?

One day Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles lying dead
with its legs up in the air.
She asked,
"Daddy, Daddy why is Muffles legs in the air?"
Thinking quickly, her dad replied,
"This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."
The next day, when Susie's dad came home she ran up to him and said,
"Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today."
Flustered, her father said,
"Honey, what happened?"
And Susie said,
"Well Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming, 'Oh Jesus I'm
coming I'm coming' and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she
would have been a goner."

School girl to mother:
"I do not want to go to the sex education class."
"Why not?"
"Because the final exam will be oral."

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Finding Common Ground

The 18th Camel There was a father who left 17 camels as the inheritance for his three sons. When the father passed away, his sons opened up the will. The Will of the father stated that the eldest son should get half of 17 camels while the middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third). The youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the 17 camels. As it is not possible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fight with each other. So, the three sons decided to go to a wise man. The wise man listened patiently about the Will. The wise man, after giving this thought, brought one camel of his own and added the same to 17. That increased the total to 18 camels. Now, he started reading the deceased father's will. Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 camels  1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 camels 1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 camels. Now add this up: 9 plus 6 plus 2 is 17, and this leaves one camel, which the wise man took away.   The attitude of negotiation and problem solving is to find the 18th camel i.e. the common ground. Once a person is able to find the 18th ground the issue is resolved. It is difficult at times. However, to reach a solution, the first step is to believe that there is a solution.  If we think that there is no solution, we won't be able to reach any!

 

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

I thought that we never would part
So, I gave to that trollop, my heart
But the slut often strays
She's not mended her ways
It appears I have made a false tart



Redneck goes to a pharmacist and says:
"I've got a hot date for tonight, an' I needs me some pertection. How much
is a pack a' them thar rubbers gonna cost me?" To which the pharmacist
responds:
"A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
To which the redneck replies:
"TACKS! Gawd a'mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?"

An elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.
When asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old
man said,
"Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"

"Why did your boss jump out of the window?" the detective asked the
secretary.
"I don't know", she sobbed, "he was always so nice to me. Two months ago he
gave me a fur coat, last month a sports car and just today a diamond ring.
Then he asked, what it would cost to be able to ravish me."
"And what did you say?"
I just said,
"The other men in the office always just give me fifty bucks."

To keep his favourite tool from rusting,
Popeye sticks it in olive oil.

A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door.
When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to
have sex.
Not amused, she slammed the door.
Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question.
Again, she slammed the door and screamed,
"Get the hell away!"
Later, she told her husband of the incident.
He said he would stay home the following day just in case.
Sure enough, the next day the same man returned.
The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door.
When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said,
"Yes," just to see how he would react.
The man replied,
"Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to
keep away from my wife!"

Doug brought Tammy back to his apartment, took off his clothes, and said,
"I'd like you to meet my little friend."
Tammy took a look, gathered up her clothes, then said,
"Call me when it grows up."

One day, God came to Adam for a brief discussion.
"I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied,
"Please give me the good news first. "
Smiling, God explained,
"I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will
allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive
conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you
to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve
will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will
be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed,
"These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly
be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow,
"The bad news is, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these
organs at a time."

What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day
And
Anal sex makes your whole weak.

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball,
and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket
of his shorts.
Later, one his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for
the lights to change.
A blond standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust "Tennis ball," came
the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the blonde sympathetically, "That must be painful, I had tennis
elbow once."

"Don't open that wardrobe!" shouted my wife as I was just about to,
"Your Christmas present is in there!"
"Too late," I said, pulling open the door.
"You get me the shittiest presents!" I said, looking in.
"Why the Hell would I want a half naked milkman?"

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Priest's Retirement Dinner

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25
years in the parish.

The Mayor, member of the congregation, was chosen to make the
presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own
few words while they waited:

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first
confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible
place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had
stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to
lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled
from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal
drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on
I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to
a fine parish full of good and loving people.'

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived
full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the
presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,'
said the Mayor. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go
to him for confession.'

Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late

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Funny Puns

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.


4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."


6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"


7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."


8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.


9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.


10. Deja Moo:
The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day,
But
I couldn't find any.


12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "
I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"


13. I went to a seafood disco last week...
And pulled a mussel.


14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.


15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says
"Dam!".


16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,
So, they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly, it sank,
Proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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Did You Know ...

Dalmatians are born without spots.

Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

The `v' in the name of a court case does not stand for `versus', but for
`and'
(in civil proceedings) or `against' (in criminal proceedings).

Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts have the
buttons on the left.

The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink.
All other birds raise their lower eyelids.

The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it's already been digested by
a bee.

Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks.

The color blue has a calming effect.
It causes the brain to release calming hormones.

Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die.

Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart

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Quotes Of The Day ... Mahatma Gandhi

Gandhi became the symbol of the Indian struggle for independence in the
first half of the twentieth century.
Apart from the Indian nationalists who rallied under his leadership, he
inspired writers, political figures, and filmmakers.
One of the most famous works inspired by Gandhi was the 1982 Richard
Attenborough movie in which Ben Kingsley starred as Gandhi.
If you have watched the movie you will definitely remember a Gandhi quote or
two.
Here are some more inspiring quotations by the great man.
Each Gandhi quote in this collection abounds in practical wisdom.

A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes.

As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the
world -- that is the myth of the atomic age -- as in being able to remake
ourselves.

Be the change you want to see in the world.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you
win.

God is conscience. He is even the atheism of the atheist.

Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress.

If by strength is meant moral power, then woman is immeasurably man's
superior.

No power on earth can subjugate you when you are armed with the sword of
ahimsa. It ennobles both the victor and the vanquished.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.

There is more to life than simply increasing its speed.

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XX Adult Limericks.

There was a young dentist Malone
Who had a charming girl patient alone.
But in his depravity
He filled the wrong cavity,
God, how his practice has grown!
*****

From a crypt in the church of St. Giles,
Came a scream that resounded for miles!!
"My goodness gracious!" Said brother Ignatius.
"I forgot that your lordship has piles."
*****

A Man's occupation
Is to shove his Cockulation
Up a women's Ventalation
To increase the popultation
Of the human Generation
I got this information
From a book of education
For a free Demonstration
Lie Down.
*****

A remarkable fellow named Jones,
Could reduce any maiden to moans,
By a technical knowledge,
Acquired in college,
Of fourteen erogenous zones.
*****

Jack and Jill Went up the hill
Both of them had a quarter
Jill came down with fifty cents
And Jack came down with a boner!
*****

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WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING

A message every adult should read because children are watching you & doing
as you do,
Not as you say.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my
First painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately
Wanted to paint another one.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a
Stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind
To animals.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my
Favourite cake for me, and I learned that the little
Things can be the special things in life.


When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer,
And I knew that there is a God I could always
Talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a
Meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I
Learned that we all have to help take care of each
Other.


When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of
Your time and money to help people who had nothing,
And I learned that those who have something should
Give to those who don't.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care
Of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have
To take care of what we are given.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you
Handled your responsibilities, even when you didn' t
Feel good, and I learned that I would have to be
Responsible when I grow up.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come
From your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things
Hurt, but it's all right to cry.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you
Cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.


When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of
life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and
Productive person when I grow up.


When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and
Wanted to say,'Thanks for all the things I saw when
You thought I wasn't looking.'



WE DO SO MUCH FOR OTHERS,
BUT THINK THAT NO ONE EVER SEES.

LITTLE EYES SEE A LOT .


Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher, friend) influences
the life of a child.

How will you touch the life of someone today?
Just by sending this to someone else,
You will probably make them at least think about their influence on others.

Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.

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Irish Mirror

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old
Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.
In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.
Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring
back at him.


'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the
way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go
there and look at it.


His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch
he's running around with.'

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Alexander The Great - Last Words - legacy in life !

Alexander, after conquering many kingdoms, was returning home. On the way,
he fell ill and it took him to his death bed. With death staring him in his
face, Alexander realized how his conquests, his great army, his sharp sword
and all his wealth were of no consequence.

He now longed to reach home to see his mother's face and bid her his last
adieu. But, he had to accept the fact that his sinking health would not
permit Him to reach his distant homeland. So, the mighty conqueror lay
prostrate and pale, helplessly waiting to breathe his last.

He called his generals and said, "I will depart from this world soon, I have
three wishes, please carry out them out without fail."
With tears flowing down their cheeks, the generals agreed to abide by their
king's last wishes.

"My first desire is that", said Alexander, "My physicians alone must carry
my coffin."

After a pause, he continued, "Secondly, I desire that when my coffin is
being carried to the grave, the path leading to the graveyard be strewn with
gold, silver and precious stones which I have collected in my treasury".

The king felt exhausted after saying this. He took a minute's rest and
continued. "My third and last wish is that both my hands be kept dangling
out of my coffin".

The people who had gathered there wondered at the king's strange wishes. But
no one dared bring the question to their lips.. Alexander's favorite general
kissed his hand and pressed them to his heart. "O king, we assure you that
your wishes will all be fulfilled. But tell us why do you make such strange
wishes?"

At this Alexander took a deep breath and said: "I would like the world to
know of the three lessons I have just learnt.

Lessons to learn from last 3 wishes of King Alexander...

I want my physicians to carry my coffin because people should realize that
no doctor can really cure any body. They are powerless and cannot save a
person from the clutches of death. So let not people take life for granted.

The second wish of strewing gold, silver and other riches on the way to the
graveyard is to tell People that not even a fraction of gold will come with
me. I spent all my life earning riches but cannot take anything with me. Let
people realize that it is a sheer waste of time to chase wealth.

And about my third wish of having my hands dangling out of the coffin, I
wish people to know that I came empty into this world and empty handed I go
out of this world".

With these words, the king closed his eyes. Soon he let death conquer him
and breathed his last. . . .

LESSONS TO LEARN

Remember, your good health is in your own hands, look after it.
Wealth is only meaningful if you can enjoy while you are still alive and
kicking.
What you do for yourself dies with you but what you do for others, lives on.

It is called "Legacy."

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X Blonde Inventions ...

Some Inventions are simply better left un-invented:

Left handed pencil

Clear correction fluid

Black highlighter

Waterproof tea bags

Braille driving manual

Dehydrated water

Screen door on a submarine

Helicopter ejection seat

Air conditioning for motorcycle

Wooden barbecue

Glow-in-the-dark sun dial

Gasoline fire extinguisher

Battery-powered battery charger

Fake rhinestones

Fireproof matches

Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses

Mesh umbrella

Solar-powered flashlight.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

A guy was screwing his girlfriend in a park by the side of the road when a
cop car pulled up.
"Just what the hell do you think your doing?" asked the cop.
The guy looked up at the cop and said,
"I'm screwing my girlfriend!"
"Great!" said the cop, "I'm next!"
"Sounds good to me," replied the guy, "I have never screwed a cop before!"

Hey, don't knock masturbation!
It's sex with someone you love.

A man walks in to a psychiatrist's office and lies down one the couch.
The shrink says,
"What makes you think you need the services of a psychiatrist?"
The man replies that he wakes up every night in the kitchen after some
pretty crazy sleepwalking.
The shrink says,
"So, would you like me to try to cure you of sleepwalking?"
The man explains that the sleepwalking isn't really the problem.
Every time he wakes up he is in the same place, doing the same thing -- He
has his pajamas around his ankles and his dick in a jar of peanuts.
The psychiatrist says,
"I think I know what your problem is. You're fuckin' nuts."

I was banging this nice lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front
door open.
She said,
"It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran -- but you don't get offers like
that every day.

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife, says,
"Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies,
"I was out getting a tattoo."
"Tattoo?" she frowned. "what kind of tattoo did you get?"
''I got a hundred dollar bill one my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said shaking her head in disgust.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed one his
privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to
play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly,
instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow
a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry is recovering in room 232 at the hospital.

"That new girl in the typing pool is driving me crazy!" bemoaned Rich to
Ernie. "That girl is a real mirage."
"Aren't you using the wrong word?" asked Ernie. "A mirage is something you
can see but can't feel."
"Yeah," came the reply "That describes her exactly!"

John was on a business trip for a few days, and one night he went looking
for a little 'action'.
He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar, and took her back to his hotel
room.
Little did he know that she had a snapping pussy and was darn near a
nymphomaniac.
After six times having sex, she was screaming for more.
After the eighth time, John told her that he needed to slip out for a pack
of cigarettes.
One the way out, he stopped into the men's room.
He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and felt a moment of
panic when he couldn't find his tool.
After a couple of minutes fishing around, he finally said,
"Look. It's okay. She's not here!"

I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I screwed a girl called Penny -- Is that spooky or what?

One day Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles lying dead
with its legs up in the air.
She asked,
"Daddy, Daddy why is Muffles legs in the air?"
Thinking quickly, her dad replied,
"This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."
The next day, when Susie's dad came home she ran up to him and said,
"Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today."
Flustered, her father said,
"Honey, what happened?"
And Susie said,
"Well Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming, 'Oh Jesus I'm
coming I'm coming' and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she
would have been a goner."

School girl to mother:
"I do not want to go to the sex education class."
"Why not?"
"Because the final exam will be oral."

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XX ADULT PUNS!

The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag, t'was 'Fifty Shades Of Grey'.
Well I just left her to it, and at 10, I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared, the sight filled me with dread.

In her left she held a rope; and in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor, and then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago, I might have had a peek.
But Mabel hasn't weathered well. She's eighty four next week!

Watching Mabel bump and grind could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse, she toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet, a couple minutes later.
She put her teeth back in and said, "I am a dominater!"

Now if you knew our Mabel, you'd see just why I spluttered.
I'd spent two months in traction, for the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked, bent forward just a bit.
I went to hold her, sensual like, and stood on her left tit.

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out. My god what had I done?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out, "Step on the other one!"
Well readers, I can't tell no more, about what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair, turned fifty shades of grey.



A cub scout become a boy scout when he eats his first Brownie.

Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City
to Chicago.
The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother
and asked,
"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight
attendant.
So, the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant,
"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
planes have baby planes?"
The busy flight attendant smiled and said,
"Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said,
"Yes, she did."
"Well then, you tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Southwest always pulls out on time. Ask her to explain that to you."

Bisexual:
Someone who likes girls as well as the next guy.

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl.
They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.
They're having a great time.
She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure she was shaking
and foaming at the mouth.
Our uninformed male thought this was incredible best sex he'd ever had.
He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure.
He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room.
A nurse asked what the girl's problem was, and he replied,
"Err, I think her orgasm is stuck!"

"I'd rather be pissed off, than pissed on."
This is one of those times that the difference between "then" and "than" is
very important.

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so
she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said,
"Johnny. This is where you come from."
Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now
refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."
"Why?" one asked. Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said,
"Because I came this close to being a turd.

Two Swedish housemaids are having their pictures taken.
The first one asks,
"Why is he looking at us like that?"
The second replies,
"He's got to focus."
"Oh no," says the first one, "you tell him he has to take the picture
first."

The mother-in-law comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing
his suitcase.
"What happened?"
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife
saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what
I found? My wife, yes my Rachel, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This
is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"
"Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There is something odd about this story.
Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what
happened."
Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"You see, I said there must be a simple explanation. Rachel didn't receive
your Email."

A woman asked a Scot what he wore under his kilt.
He said,
"Stick your hand under and you'll see!"
The woman did, then screamed,
"Gruesome!"
The Scot retorted,
"Stick your hand under again and you'll see that it grew some more."

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

George was describing his new secretary enthusiastically to the family at
dinner:
"She's efficient, personable, clever, punctual, and darned attractive, to
boot. In short, she's a real doll!"
"A doll?" said his wife.
"A doll!" re-emphasized George.
At which point, their five-year-old daughter, who knew about dolls, looked
up from her broccoli to ask:
"And does she close her eyes when you lay her down, Daddy?"

A sweet young thing of our acquaintance decided that she would rather be a
young man's slave than an old man's darling,
Because
She couldn't stand the idea of old age creeping up on her.

Men are like Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls.
Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"Okay," the judge-said, "tell the court why you want a divorce."
"Well, your honour," Dan started, "every once in a while my sister-in law
would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical
looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge
said.
"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honour. That's why I want
the divorce."

I keep telling my wife:
"It's NOT cheating on you with your sister, it's making love to you by
proxy."
Some women just don't understand.

A paper bag goes to the doctor and complains of feeling really ill.
The doctor does a lot of tests and tells the paper bag to come back next
week for the results.
The following week the paper bag is extremely distressed to be told by his
doctor that he has Hepatitis B.
"But how can this be," he cries, "I'm only a paper bag".
"Well, ER, have you had unprotected sex in the last year?", asks the doctor.
"No, how can I?'' he shouts, "I'm only a paper bag."
"How about sharing needles, giving blood, anything like that?"
"I've said to you before," the paper bag sobs, "How can I? I'm only a paper
bag."
"Ahhhh," says the doctor shaking his head sadly,
"As I suspected - your mother must have been a carrier."

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Australian Army (Excellent!) Bloody brilliant!!!

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you
not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far
south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the
Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick
smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at
first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping
in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots
and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to
stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz
there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or
possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by
that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route
march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back
paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting
medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody
possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the
Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before
the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit
the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own
cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady
yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful
coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack
and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the
muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the
platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the
Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the
shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,
but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before
word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

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XX Who gives a ...

"When you're over Seventy, Who gives a s* *t." !

This a**ehole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically
said, "Is that Tooheys or VB?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said: "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair
cut, you'd look all right."

I said: "If I did that, I'd be talking to your good looking friends
over there instead of you."

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a
woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then, try"

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and
said: "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

***********

"On Safari with the Mother-in-law."

A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife
awakened to find her mother gone.

She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight.

The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion.

"What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked.

"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess,
let him get himself out of it."

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

A man and a woman are driving home from a date.
The man stops the car, and the woman says:
"Oh no, you aren't going to pull the 'Out of gas' routine!"
The man says,
"No, it's the 'Hereafter' routine. If you're not here after what I'm here
after, then you're going to be here after I'm gone."

This morning. The math teacher singled me out to ask me,
"If you have $200, and you give $60 to Mary, $60 to Sandy and $60 to Susan,
what would you have?"
Turned out that "an orgy" was not the correct answer.

You should treat your woman the way you treat your Hoover!
When it stops sucking, change the bag.

Once upon a time there was a young redneck by the name of Jack.
Jack lived and worked on a farm with the farmer, the farmer's wife and their
daughter Mabel.
One fine day, as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw Mabel bending
over to milk the cow.
He felt himself become aroused for the first time and, shocked, ran to find
the farmer to explain this strange happening.
Upon finding the farmer, he proceeded to drop his trousers and whip out his
stiff trouser snake, much to the horror of the farmer. "Farmer, farmer,"
Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"
"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer.
"Don't worry about it. It happens to all men."
"But I don't like it!" cried Jack.
"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into the milk
shed, get some cow manure and rub it on your dick. It'll go down real fast,
trust me."
The next day, Jack was passing by the house when he looked in, and saw the
farmer's wife having a shower.
Feeling his member getting hard he rushed into the cow shed, dropped his
pants and picked up two handfuls of cow manure.
Just then Mabel walked into the shed.
"What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel.
"Well," Jack replied," I'm going to rub this manure on my dick to make it go
down."
"That would be a waste." Mabel said.
As she laid down on the ground and lifted her skirt.
"Why don't you stick it up here?"
So he did.
Both handfuls.

A man who spends the night at a gay bar
May wake up with a queer taste in his mouth.

The cabaret piano man was playing in an intimate and dimly lit club.
He couldn't help but notice a couple locked in a passionate embrace on a
love seat right in front of the piano.
They were rather distracting, but finally they came up for air long enough
to make a breathless request.
"Uh, could you play 'After the Lovin'?'"
"Sure thing," agreed the piano player. "Just let me know when you're
through."

Snow White was kicked out of Disney Land. A.
She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face and saying,
"Lie. You bastard! Lie!'"

"My, but you look different today Claudia." commented Reneto her co-worker.
"Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you
use? Special curlers and some dramatic eye make-up?" "No!" replied Claudia.
"My damn vibrator shorted out this morning."

You can always tell which is the head nurse.
She's the one with the dirty knees.

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NEVER LEAVE YOUR NUTS ALONE

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a
baseball game ...

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his
commands.

When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well.

As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the
patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down
in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all
broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the
home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts", and they all started
booing and cat calling Comfortable with their response, the
doctor
decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in
charge.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world
happened?"

The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until
this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

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Men - Pl enjoy - Women - Don't get annoyed!

An airline introduced a special package for businessmen. Buy your ticket;
get your wife's ticket free.
After a great success, the airline sent letters to all the wives asking how
was the trip.
All of them gave the same reply, "Which trip?"
*******************************************

Husband was seriously ill. After thorough examination, doctor sent him
outside to wait.
Doctor to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant to him and keep him
in good mood, don't discuss your problems, don't demand new clothes or gold
jewels. Do this for one year and he will be fine.
On the way home, husband asked wife: What did the doctor say?
Wife: No matter what we do for you, you are going to die!
*******************************************

An intelligent wife is one who spends so much that her husband can't afford
another woman.
*******************************************

Wife buys a new phone and decides to surprise her husband who is sitting in
the living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband from the new number: "Hello
darling!"
The husband responds in a low tone: "Let me call you back later honey, the
dumb lady is in the kitchen."
*******************************************

Cool message by a woman: Dear mother-in-law, "don't teach me how to handle
my children, I'm living with one of yours and he needs a lot of
improvement."
*******************************************

A kid was beaten by his mom.
Dad came home and asked, "What happened son?"
Kid said, "I can't adjust with your wife anymore, I need my own."
*******************************************

In an African safari, a lion suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.
Wife: Shoot him! Shoot him!
Santa: Yes, yes. I'm changing the battery in my camera..
*******************************************

What is the difference between mother and wife?
A – One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you
continue to do so.
*******************************************

Husband and wife are like 2 tires of a vehicle.
If one punctures, the vehicle can't move further.
Moral: Always keep a spare tire....
*******************************************

What's the similarity between chewing gum and begum (wife) ??

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XXXX ADULT PUNS!

MODELS will do it in any position.
MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.
MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.
MOUNTAIN CLIMBERS like to be on top
MOVIE STARS do it on film.



On the first night of their honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped
into a sexy, but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into
bed, only to find that her husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he
replied,
"Because it's Lent."
"Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard," she exclaimed,
close to tears. "To whom and for how long?!"

Man who lose key to woman's apartment get no new key.

The businesswoman, in town for an important meeting, checked into her room
at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags.
Noticing that her best suit had been badly wrinkled during her flight, she
telephoned the desk and asked the hotel's valet service to pick it up for
pressing.
Almost immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock sounded at the door,
and there stood an elderly Chinaman, waiting. Impressed by the fast service,
the career woman exclaimed,
"My, you come lickety-split!"
"No, ma'am," replied the elderly Asian man. "Come to get laundry."

If marriage is all about procreation and children,
Should we require a woman to be pregnant before a couple marries?
Just to make sure they're doing it for the right reasons.

One day, a door-to-door salesman knocked on a door.
Little Johnny answered the door and the salesman asked if his mother was
home.
Little Johnny said
"No, she is at the whore house."
The bright salesman asked if she was a prostitute, and the little boy
replied,
"No, she is a substitute. She only works Wednesdays and Fridays during the
rush."
The salesman said,
"Well I'll be a son-of-a-bitch."
The little boy said,
"Well, I'm one too, but I don't go around knocking on doors telling folks."

To get a sorority girl in your bed, grease her hips so she'll fit through
the door and throw a Twinkie on the bed.

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched
her one the butt and said,
"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she controlled her anger and
replied with silence.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch one the breast and
said,
"You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
That did it!
She rolled over and grabbed him by his dick.
With a death grip in place she said,
"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the
Gardner, the pool man, and your brother!"

How do you know when the wife is taking too many steroids?
You come home one evening, she strips you, throws you on the couch and
screws you up the ass hole with her clitoris!

It was a difficult case for the jurors.
They had to decide whether the owners of the bottoms up club in New York
City were guilty of obscenity.
The judge decided that it would probably be best if the jury went to the
club and see the allegedly obscene act.
The judge and the jury watched the act once, focusing on the part where a
sexy couple performed the "Dance of Love" with a climactic scene of
lovemaking on a bearskin rug.
The jury was unable to decide definitely whether it was obscene or not.
So, the jury members asked to see the act one more time.
They watched it carefully again.
But they still couldn't reach a decision.
So, this time they asked the understudies to perform the same act one more
time.
Fortunately, the police involved in the case were very understanding.
According to the detective:
"It is a difficult matter. The police have watched the show 75 times."

What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?
A private tutor.

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XXX Adult Limericks

Adult Limericks,
**************************

There was a young girl named Sapphire,
Who succumbed to her lover's desire,
She said: "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
=============

There was a young student called Jones,
Who'd reduce any maiden to moans,
By his wonderful knowledge,
Acquired in college,
Of nineteen erogenous zones.
=============
Ginger from County of Dade,
Said, "I think that it's time I got laid.
My vibrator can tingle,
But it's not cunnilingual,
And that's how orgasms are made."
=============

There was a young lady from Brewster,
Who's ass was so nice that I goosed her,
But her panties were thin,
And my finger slipped in,
And it still just don't smell like it used ter.
=============
There once was a man from Australia,
Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
He buggered a frog,
Two mice, and a dog,
And a bishop in fullest regalia.
=============

There was a young lady of Arden,
Who sucked off ol' Bob in the garden.
He asked, "You old ho' ,
Where does all that stuff go?"
And she said, "(swallow hard)-- Beg pardon?"
=============

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Train Tickets - A little bit of humour

Three women and three men are at a railway ticket office, on their way to a
music festival. The three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women
buy just one ticket.


'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of
the men.


'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.

They board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all
three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.



Shortly after the train has departed the conductor comes around checking
tickets.


He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please. '



The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor checks it and moves on.


The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so they decide
to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get
to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to
their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!


'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed man.


'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.


When they board the train the three men cram themselves into a toilet and
the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.


Shortly after the train is on its way one of the women leaves her toilet and
walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket, please.'

I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than
women.

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Gentle Thoughts for Today

Birds of a feather flock together . .
And then poop on your car.

A penny saved is a
Government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher
It is to lose weight, because by
Then your body and your fat have
Gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find
Something lost around the
House is to buy a replacement ..

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman
Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.

The sole purpose of a child's
Middle name is so he can
Tell when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you
Put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS'
Together it spells 'Theirs....'

Aging: Eventually you will
Reach a point when you stop
Lying about your age and
Start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back
Their odometers. Not me, I want
People to know 'why' I look this
Way. I've traveled a long way and
Some MOST of the roads weren't
PAVED AND I HAD TO WORK ON THEM!

When you are dissatisfied and
Would like to go back to your
Youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting
Old when everything either
Dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no
One tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young. Ah, being
Young is beautiful, but being
Old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around
My shoulder and your hand
Over my mouth . . . AMEN!

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Taxi Driver

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Toronto . It
was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mom" said the boy "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell
him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for
money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies those
women have?"

"They become taxi drivers," she said.

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New words for 2013!!!

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and
then leaves.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING..
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This
also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP DONKEY.
A deeply unattractive person..

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get
it to work again.

* OH-NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake. (e.g. You've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.


* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. Extremely impressive when viewed
from the outside but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive
people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back
in.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP.
Tattoo on a female.

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got 4 buttocks.

Read More...

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Fortune Teller

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune
teller delivered grave news:



"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible
death this year."



Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands.



She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing.



She simply had to know.

.

.

.

.



She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will
I be acquitted?"

Read More...

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R u dumb?

'John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first,
Kim?" asked the man.

"I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight
guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she
won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again
asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back
to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he
guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I
want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was
really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim
responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy." '

Read More...

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Atheist In The Woods..

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him.


He turned to look.
He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path.
He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of
him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike
him.


At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist,
and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but
perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian????'

'Very well'!!! , said the voice.

The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his
head in reverence & spake thus:

'Dear Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy magnificent
bounty...
Amen.'

Read More...

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Question to Confucius

Woman asks: If I sleep with three men, everyone calls me a slut.
But when a man sleeps with ten women, Every one calls him a real man.
How come . . . ?!?
Confucius replies:
It's very simple. "When one lock can be opened by three different keys, it's
a bad lock.
But when one key can open ten different locks, we call it a MASTER KEY ...."

Read More...

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Here are some funny one-liners - some old, some new -

The difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent:
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

Archeologist:
Someone whose career lies in ruins.

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have:
The older she gets,
The more interested he is in her.

There are two kinds of people who don't say much:
Those who are quiet
And
Those who talk a lot.

They say that alcohol kills slowly.
So what?
Who's in a hurry ?

My girlfriend asked me,
"Do You believe in love at first sight"?
I said,
"At the first sight of what"?

Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive

One nice thing about egotists:
They don't talk about other people.

There was a man who said,
"I never knew what happiness was until I got married...
And then it was too late

Before marriage,
A man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage,
The 'Y' becomes silent.

Read More...

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Splinters in Her Crotch

A woman from Los Angeles who was a

tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter

purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.

There was
a large tree on one of the highest points in the

tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor

of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As

she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that

attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid

down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in

her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried

to a local ER to see a doctor.

She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and

an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the

splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and

then told her to go wait in the examining room and he

would see if he could help her. She sat and waited

three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry

woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the

Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service,

and the Bureau of Land Management before I could

remove old-growth timber from a recreational area so

close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but

due to ObamaCare they turned you down."

Read More...

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Gain Brilliant Advice With These Quotes by Albert Einstein

There are many joys of reading powerful quotations.
One of them is to gain advice from the words of the wise.
Here is a collection of my favourite quotes by Albert Einstein.
Take his advice to heart and you will lead a fuller life.



Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy
habits of thinking.

The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life.
Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul or we get fat.

Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value.

Any fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent.

It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite
direction.

Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.

A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be.

Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.

Never do anything against conscience even if the state demands it.

He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my
contempt.

He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord
would suffice.

Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death.

Never lose a holy curiosity.

A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.



The important thing is not to stop questioning.

In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep, one must above all
be a sheep oneself.

Imagination is more important than knowledge.

Knowledge is limited.
Imagination encircles the world.

Read More...

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XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who professed to no sexual feeling
Til a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling

My son asked me,
"Dad, what's a camel toe?"
"Well son, I spluttered, "It's the outline of the ladies privates in her
underwear. Why do you want to know?"
"We have a school project about different types of travel around the world.
I'm doing the desert caravan. I know huskies in the Arctic tow sleds. Just
wondering what a camel tows."

Never take a nurse as a lover.
They're taught to wait until the swelling goes down.

On Valentines Day, Paul is walking to his girls house one afternoon and
passes a florist shop.
On a whim he buys a big bunch of flowers for her.
When he gets to her house he holds the flowers out to her.
Instead to taking them she slides her panties off from under her skirt, lays
back on the couch, spreads her legs and says
"This is for the flowers."
Paul looks at her and says
"Oh come now, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."

The new rule at the girls' school:
Lights out by ten, candles by eleven.

An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times."
"Are you sorry for your sins?"
"What sins?"
"What kind of a Catholic are you?"
"I'm not a Catholic. I'm Jewish."
"Why are you telling me all this?"
"I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody!"

I was pretty excited when my dyslexic girlfriend sent me a text message
claiming that she loves anal.
It turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend.

Russ and Sam, two friends, very old and frail, met in the park every day to
feed the birds, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day, Russ didn't show up.
Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam
didn't know where Russ lived,
So, he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one
day, Sam approached the park and lo and behold there sat Russ.
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said,
"For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?"
Russ replied,
"I was in jail."
"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Russ said, "you know Sue, that cute sexy little blonde waitress at
the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I
was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty. The damn judge
gave me 30 days for lying under oath."

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,
So, I did.
She's 25, and her name's Kathy.

On Valentine's Day a drunk young man walked up to an attractive girl and
said,
"Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"
"Yes, but I know you're going to ask eventually anyway, so let's get it over
with."
"Great. How many men have you had sex with?"
"That's my business!" she snapped.
"Cool! How much?"

Men's Thoughts During Love Making: Penetration
What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"

Read More...

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Here come the horse meat jokes ....

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from
Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.
Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.

Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger.
So, I had a $5 each way !

Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the pony
that she's always wanted!

Had some burgers from tesco for my tea last night....
I still have a bit between my teeth

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF"

I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse....."

Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse
barcodes for serving suggestions.

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?' Cow says 'Illegal
ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse
d'oeuvres.

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead
horse!

Said to the Mrs these Tesco burgers given me terrible trots

To beef or not to beef.
That is equestrian

Is it a coincidence that HAMBURGERS is a anagram of .....SHERGARS BUM

Read More...

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Age is in ones mind..

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,
SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST
APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE
HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME
HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO
HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD
ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965.. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BASTARD ASKED..

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

Read More...

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XX smoker in a non smoking store

Sales lady: Excuse me sir this is a non smoking store.
Smoker: But I bought my cigarettes from here.
Sales lady: I know!, we sell condoms too and that doesn't mean you can
use them here.

Read More...

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Tale of a Senior Moment

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave
myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys.

They were not in my pockets or my purse. A quick search in the meeting
room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I
headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the
ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory
is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory
was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I
had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always
call him "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has
been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but
then I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get
me."

He retorted, "I was on my way, but I'll be delayed."
"Why is that?" I asked.

"Because I was pulled over by the police and now have to convince them
that I didn't steal your car.

Yep, it's the golden years.

Read More...

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BRAINS OF BRITAIN

I had a good laugh at some of these – I've no idea if they are genuine
though!


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for ''cherry pickers' and ''cheese mongers'?
Contestant:
Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:
Leicester

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and
your elbow?
Contestant:
Arm
Stewart White:
Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:
Strong.
Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:
Louis
Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So, who had a worldwide hit with the song What A
Wonderful World?
Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:
France.
Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.
Contestant:
Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about
their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:
The Conservative Party.


BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:
Goosey?


GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO?MANCHESTER)
Phil:
What's 11 squared?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:
Is it five?


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:
Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:
Er. ... .....
Richard:
He makes bread . . ...
Contestant:
Er .. ........
Richard:
He makes cakes . . ...
Contestant:
Kipling Street?


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:
Barcelona.
Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:
What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:
The Pacific.


ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting
by Leonardo DA Vinci.
Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
Magna Carta?


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller:
Japan.
Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let
you try again.
Caller:
Er ........ Mexico ?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:
Holland?
Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:
Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:
Er... .... .....
Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . .. Kor . ..
Contestant:
Blimey?
Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ...
Contestant:
(Silence)
Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ...
Contestant:
Walked?


THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep
at any time?
Contestant:
Nostalgia.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad
only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:
Jesus.

Read More...

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Interesting Quotes

1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry! Just remove the damn battery
from the clock and Enjoy life!


2. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is
like expecting the lion not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
Think about it.


3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but
what we are inside. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!


4. Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules
the world! That's called Attitude!


5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did
and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father
did!


6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair. When he died,
the insurance company refused the claim. They said, he who never lived,
cannot die!


7. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving. Which means - it is a
logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without
drinking!!

8. So many options for suicide: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping
from a building, lying on train tracks, but we choose Marriage, slow but
sure!


9. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!


10. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or
married to someone else!


11. Drinking is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru

12. We should learn to love our enemies - Mahatma Gandhi
Now, whom to follow and which one to choose ?

Read More...

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Neologisms-more stuff

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its
yearly neologism contest,

in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:-

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when
you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish
men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:-

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

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Retired Health Message

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world,

I rapidly realised that I don't really give a damn.

It's the tortoise life for me!



1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.



I'm retired. Go around me. Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play
chess?

16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go
somewhere to get something, and then wonder what am I hereafter



19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.



PS: DID I SEND THESE LITTLE GEMS TO YOU BEFORE?

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XX Adult humour.

To avoid condom related accident use 2 condoms with chilli powder in
between them.

If outer one breaks, she will know'
if inner one breaks, you will know!
___________________________________________________

A Survey Report: 65% of all women carry condoms.
The other 35% carry babies.


A Guy picks up a girl for the date, and on seeing her, asks:
Why are you wearing your belt around the knee?
Girl: I promised my mom that I wouldn't let you touch me below my belt.
_______________________________________________________________________
Thought for the day:
In terms of sex satisfaction, woman is like a road and a man is like a
traveller.
The traveller gets tired but the road never ends!
_______________________________________________________________________

Q: What do you call Afghan virgin?
A: Never Bin LaDen.
________________________________________________________________________

A Greek & an Italian were arguing over who is superior.
Greek: We gave sex to the world.
Italians: Yes you did, but we introduced it to women!
________________________________________________________________________
Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with the dentist.
She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her
dentist and she was going to propose to him. Her friend said, "You're
beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you. Why is this dentist
THE man for you?" "Because," explained Marsha, "he is the first man
that ever said to me 'SPIT, don't SWALLOW'."
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Q: Why does a prostitute need a triangle coffin?
A: Because everytime her head hits a pillow, the legs spread!
________________________________________________________________________

Jhony: Did you have a chance to sleep with my wife yet?
Leon: What are you saying. I would never even think about such things.
Jhony: Well. You might want to. She is much better, than yours.
________________________________________________________________________

Jeena: Do you watch your husband's face during sex?
Sheena: I did once & saw anger.
Jeena: Why?
Sheena: Because he was watching from the window.

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